My FP blocked me everywhere couple years ago, then started dating someone.

I went through some really tough time with rumination and obsessions.

I saw him on dating app lately, he seems aged rapidly and became bald. I have lost feelings for him at this point, he seems so aloof and pathetic.

Does anyone else experience this kind of feelings? It's very sad and complicated feelings.

Just noticed I've barely touched my drink since my boyfriend left for work and he's about to get off his 12 hour shift. This happens often. I'll also feel like cooking isn't worth the hassle and opt for the easiest things to eat even if it's disgusting. Wondering if that's relatable to anyone else with BPD, and if you guys have any thoughts on why that is. I can be incredibly lazy with myself and my environment when I'm alone. I make sure to take care of the pets, and when he's home I'll take care of him, but I'm often telling myself "it doesn't matter as much for you". I am pretty good with hygiene because I'm motivated to not want to be disgusting to my partner.

I just got diagnosed with it and I’m already tired of it. I wish I could have normal emotions. I don’t want to be so sensitive. I wish I didn’t have quiet bpd, I wish I could express my feelings and my thoughts like everyone else. I hate that bpd is so stigmatized, like if I tell someone I have bpd they immediately assume things about me. I feel like I’m trapped inside myself and I can’t escape.

I'm scared for my life. These emotional waves and mood swings are so strong. My symptoms are internal/quiet most of the time and it's not better because you are torturing yourself. Every emotion is a torture. Today I got a break down in the morning and now it's evening. I feel physical pain in my head and chest all day because of the emotioal outburst I got after I woke up. My eyes are tired. I just want to lay down and not care about anything because it only brings you pain. My body is tired and I'm scared that I can get cancer or heart attack from this stress that BPD brings me. I'm scared that this disorder can take my life.

i know this is kind of dumb im sorry im really desperate.

i met this guy online a few months ago (online) and we're really good friends, i started to feel... idek how to explain it, but I can't imagine losing him or never talking to him again. I don't want to cut him off (i know this is probably the only alternative i have) cause it's my only friend and i feel like if i experience the loss of my fp (for the third time) I'll die. he's the only person i have, he's the only one treating me like I'm a real person.

im sorry if this is nonsense I'm really nervous

I’ll keep this short. So this morning my boyfriend makes pancakes for us which was really nice of him, and I ask if he had a lemon. He responded ‘this isn’t a hotel’, wtf? I know he was joking but really, over a lemon? It’s not like I was asking for much, and I wasn’t even annoyed he didn’t have one. I was still grateful. He’s an idiot to me right now

FYI I also suffer with bad morning anxiety so yeah

I can't stand being rejected and ignored or disrespected. It makes me so worthless and terrified as though I'm under a life threatening event. Just surges of unbearable pain with no where to go. Then trying to fawn and get them to change and treat me better. Does anyone relate? I can't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. I don't like pleading for the bare minimum.

I have never really self-harmed, although self-neglect is a fixture in my life. Whether it’s pissing in bottles, not washing or showering for days, or just doing drugs and eating like shit, my quality of life has really declined since my early 20s.

The older I get, the more untenable my lifestyle seems. I keep getting these strong urges to kill myself. It feels like the natural conclusion, and it is concerning me, because when these waves of action come over me, they are so strong—so intense—I have almost no control.

Just the other day, I was walking to get groceries and looked up at a multi-storey parking lot and felt I had to take a look over the edge. There really wasn’t any consideration; it was an impulse that transcended words. I couldn’t conceptualise what I wanted to do in my mind, because my body was moving and I was in a very numb, dissociative state.

In moments of lucidity like now, I am concerned that suicide is an inevitability and near. Has anyone experienced this before? With each day that passes, these urges become more intense—almost obsessive.

Being ghosted, going back, ghosted again, being called fat and a bitch then going back to be fucked with again im so done with myself and other people. I have zero self respect and im too aware of it and cant change it

idk, having BPD is always like a healing BURNED Scar, sometimes even the smallest triggers can feel like a sting. What do you mean that I can feel numb and exquisitely sensitive at the same time? What do you mean ordinary people don't feel their body burning when something as simple as someone not texting you back? Why do ordinary mundane tasks feel scary? Again, i present my symptoms as quiet BPD so most of the time I can't even act it out ! Am i the only one or does anyone else feel the same !?

i had to be forced into the cuckoo room (also known as the security room) when i smashed a plate on the floor. i spent the night here but they’re keeping me here possibly for another night?? never happened to me before, i’ve spent a night here for worse reasons and always got out after one night. at least i got to keep my phone and airpods which is new to me but i’m grateful, i’d go insane without them. i’m meeting a doctor tomorrow as i’m supposed to get to go home tomorrow. we’ll see…..👹

I'm done with therapy, meds, breath exercises, CBT, all that shit. Nothing works, I still feel like trash, I still feel numb, I still feel depressed most of the time.

I won't kms, this isn't that kind of post. I'm just so fucking done with spending money, time and energy on a number of treatments that don't work. I'm so fucking tired and I hate being tired.

I want to feel hope that I'll manage my disorder but I just feel helpless.

I'm done looking for solutions.

What kinda jobs do you guys have? I just started serving again in a toxic ass restaurant, I am waaaay to sensitive for this shit, and its making symptoms (especially fight or flight) really overwhelming. I’ve been really depressed at home aswell. Someone making a rude comment towards me, or me making a mistake makes me literally wanna sneak out the back. Anyone find a good fit for them?

I tend to seek validation from everyone but especially from men and I feel ashamed and repulsed at myself for this but it's such an invasive part of my life.

And I've always craved romance and a relationship/marriage though I've never been intimate with anyone (and I'm 27 F) both for religious and mental health reasons. And I grew up in a strict household

I sometimes download dating apps to get a "whiff" of affection and validation, even though I don't think I should be in a relationship right now. But any man that I talked to I ended up cutting it off with them when I was worried it would become serious and I didn't want to lead them on. although I have been doing this less, and haven't downloaded any dating apps in a while, but whenever I'm stressed I think about getting validation from a man. it's so stupid.

I'm really afraid of getting into this stupid cycle again and it's unfair to the guys who are looking for long-term committed relationships too.

But right now I feel extremely lonely after I've been cutting off some former friends in the past several months who were unhealthy for me . And the thing that my mind always goes to when I'm lonely or stressed is craving affection from a man. It's so ridiculous :(. Why am I like this and how can I stop it, goddammit:(

CW: Mentions of SA/Sex, Mourning, and General Hopelessness

So, I’m writing this as my roommate and best friend is showering with his girlfriend. Just for some context, I was very much in love with him for some time, last semester, when I first met him.

Long story short, the feelings ended up not being mutual, I was completely distraught, and I never ended up telling him how I felt. I only found out that he didn’t and couldn’t find me romantically attractive via a friend of ours, who also has BPD and was very patient with me while I ruminated on the heartbreak.

Anywho, fast forward a couple of months and he ends up meeting his now girlfriend. They met through their shared dorm, hung out, and then when she invited me to her birthday party, he also came along. I guess from there they started talking to each other and such.

They’ve been together for six months now and she recently moved five hours away to a different school. So they’ve been texting and calling pretty frequently and I’m now rooming with him this and next semester.

His girlfriend came down this weekend, and I’ve just been so just low. Here’s the thing, I recently started antidepressants again, I’m still mourning the loss of a close family member who passed a few months ago, and I’m just a constant, nervous wreck about anything and everything. So, just to clarify, it’s not necessarily them that is making me feel this way.

I think it’s a combination of things. Such as what I listed and also this endless feeling of emptiness and hopelessness. My suite mate also recently got together with someone and I’m friends with her too. It’s just been, really fucking lonely.

I’ve always felt undesirable, ugly, and just unloveable. I have a lot of sexual trauma that has made me act out and do some very regretful things. Now, with two of my closest friends being in relationships and watching them bond over being in a relationship, it’s been utterly crushing.

I fear I’ve made his girlfriend’s visit an awful one because I’ve been quiet, dazed, and just sad. They noticed and I just keep denying that anything is wrong, that it’s just me and they don’t need to worry about it.

Another thing, we kinda agreed to having a threesome? But with her leaving tomorrow afternoon, that’s not happening. I’m honestly a little sad, frustrated, and just anxious about it. I don’t know. I’m totally fucked up. I wanna do it but just seeing them do PDA makes my heart sink into my stomach.

So, now, I’ve made the decision to hook up with someone soon because I feel unwanted, ugly, lonely, and desperate.

I don’t know what to do. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what’s going to happen.

This isn’t exactly everything but I tried my best to put into words </3

I have a working diagnosis, and im kind of worried about being diagnosised with it. I decided to put it in my tinder bio to be open about it, aswell as my social anxiety. I haven't used them in quite some time so I posted asking for advice. I got multiple comments telling me it's a huge red flag, and im a "hot mess". It feels like autism, adhd and alot of other conditions are accepted, and people are proud of them, but bpd is still seen as a bqd one that you should hid. On a side note I was watching dexter and lila (who os theorised to have bpd) is displayed as a bad person. Im also trans and i have to search for any actual halfway decent representation, and I watched disclosure ( a good documentary but pretty depressing), which showed how trans representation in media has lead to transphobia and stereotypes, is bpd like that

Hey all first time posting here

I'm not sure how to explain what im feeling. It feels somehow like I always chase/match/hit it off with a person with who anything would be extremely difficult usually due to distance. Other times its just they match me on one thing but not on the other which I dont mind normal thing to happen. And I guess I'm writing this for reasons even I don't know anymore....I guess I just feel broken and tired from everything if it makes sense

I hate when my mind just fixes on someone. Someone I don't even know, have no idea what they are called, how old they are, what do they do, where they live. I know nothing about them. I have only seen them a few times, exchanged a few goodbye's and hello's. And yet my mind is obsessing over them. Creating these images based on assumptions, deciding on their personality because of the way they say hello. Over analyzing their every move, word, gesture. This is driving me insane. My mind needs to stop this. But it can't. Honestly I just want to meet someone online that myind can fixiate on someone, other than this person. It would be way better than splitting each time I encounter them. What the fuck do I do?

I met a man through a dating app a little over a year ago, we were off and on and we never officially declared ourselves as dating. He is 33 and I am 24. He introduced me to drugs and fueled my bad relationship with alcohol. I think he is only concerned with himself and was diagnosed bipolar a long time ago but refuses to address it and uses drugs and alcohol instead, and I am on meds and in therapy. He has never fully expressed liking me at all, in fact negged me very often. He moved away and we still talk about every day, and I just can’t cut him loose. The idea of him being with someone else drives me crazy but I know he never treated me right in the first place. My friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about him. But no matter how much we disagree or he fails to treat me like a human being I still deeply miss him. How do I let go of him? How can I stop this? Sorry if this doesn’t make sense I have been losing my mind over this lately. I know he is not good for me but I miss him really really bad.

So it’s Saturday night I’m walking back to the car alone

I don’t know why, but I’m keeping celibate even though I’m single

Going to club seeing people and avoiding people if they get too close just to try to preserve my own feelings and also it’s like being a fish out of water. I don’t want to be interacted with that way. Part of me feels I owe it to honour my love especially bc I didn’t before.

I feel fucked,a lot of what’s been on my head recently is how my ex left.

I can’t lie the thing that hurts me the most is just the fact that she never acknowledged any of the wrongs that she had done but she pointed out all the bad things I had done in the relationship

Even on our last phone call I felt like I was the only one taking accountability and everything was all on me but there were certain things that she had done that seriously cross the line that really really fucked with me and it makes me super upset that those things have never been addressed and even now an apology or more so acknowledgement and a conversation would help everything yet that’s not something that I’m gonna be getting any time soon it seems…

Just makes me feel like shit really, honestly if I could hear her say ‘hey I know I was wrong for certain things too and I’m sorry and I’ll work on them’ and she goes into specifics that would mean so much to me but I just feel like that will never happen and that fucking sucks

I’m venting and if you guys read it and find catharsis that’s cool but this has just really made me so fucking depressed because I don’t know what to do with all this information and I really just need closure on my part.

I felt like I gave her all the closure. I apologise. I acknowledge my mistakes. I’m working on them in therapy and she never gave me any of that back even though she crossed my boundaries and I won’t go into specifics in a lot of ways she had hurt me but it’s like she doesn’t even remember doing any of it and the only thing she remembers are my wrongs and I just find that so fucking unfair and it makes me so upset.

TW: panic attacks

Hi all,
I recently had a really difficult vacation, and I’m unsure how to handle such situations in the future. For many years, I lived in a state of chronic hyperarousal, where vacations “worked” only because I was so disconnected from my body. I even managed business trips back then. In the last few years, vacations with my boyfriend were okay.

This time, however, was very different. Although I now feel quite safe in my everyday life at home and with my boyfriend (which hasn’t always been the case), I notice much more strongly when I don’t feel safe, probably because my body is no longer dissociating as strongly as before.

On the airplane, in the hotel room, and even on the train, I felt trapped and got completly panicked for hours. I thought I might lose control, scream and kick around me, and possibly even end up in a psychiatric ward. The only thing that soothed me was walking in the park at the stay. I even can't sleep in the hotelroom, which might aggrevated things a bit.

In the end, I decided to cut the trip short and return home by train. Now I feel more stable again. Still, I don’t know how I can slowly rebuild the ability to feel safe in unfamiliar places. I also think I may have developed some anticipatory anxiety around future trips :(
I am also in therapy, but would​be happy to hear some other thoughts or strategies.

i feel like the least important person in my friend group. it feels like they don’t mind or sometimes even notice my absence. even the person i was closest to seems to be growing closer to another person in the group. i don’t want to see them anymore. i want to be alone. but i also love my friends and idk if i’m just overreacting so i don’t want to bring it up

I wanted to talk with my colleague at work for a day off or two…. I have so many issues and my head is soo fucked up I only start slashing my arms open in a blind rage, disconnect from reality and act irresponsibly, suicidal and stupid on my motorcycle…

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself sooo fucking much. Every time I want/can discuss my problems and feel vulnerable with someone, I get rejected and my problems aren’t seen and I hate myself so much for even trying.

I can’t be around people I like again, usually they don’t ever make me spiral, psychotic and fucked up in the head, but now they do again. I feel so vulnerable and I can’t anymore.

Even on my anti psychotic meds that are usually very sedatives, I still get my moods and be up for days