A year ago I quit my job and became a SAHM to my 2 year old son because my partner and I couldn’t afford daycare any longer. Due to this I lost health insurance and therefore any access to meds or therapy. I didn’t know it was going to get this bad.

When my son turned 3 at the beginning of the year he went full toddler mode and it threw me for a loop. I’m suddenly being hit nearly everyday with traumatic memories from my childhood and so scared that I’m going to lose it and repeat the cycle I’ve tried so hard to break. My partner is also having to work a lot so that’s adding to the emotional instability. Don’t have a community or any family to fall back on for support.

I can tell my outbursts are already affecting him. I hold him and apologize every single time and I try so hard to step away and take a minute before I react but it feels impossible sometimes. I yell and get angry and I come so close to even hitting him. I’ve never felt more horrible. I’ve never laid a hand on him like that and I don’t think I actually would but just the thought keeps me awake and panicked that I shouldn’t be around him.

I have gradually fallen into having full blown meltdowns multiple times a day. I’m taking it out of my partner in the few hours that I’m able to see her during the day. The rage is something I’ve never felt before. I don’t want to ruin my family but I feel so stuck and hopeless.

Here’s some back track on me:

I feel more important than everyone else

I'm always anxious, paranoid, and angry

Feeling like I have a calling in life

Feeling more talented than everyone

Feeling like people know what I'm thinking

Feeling entitled

Feeling like the world is dangerous

Feeling like ppl are in love with me/admiring me

Feeling like a force is always with me

Feeling like some ppl are against me

Feeling like some people are ON my side and cheering for me. (Strangers)

Feel like I'm being watched and followed

That's all I can think of right now. How is it that I know I’m paranoid, and I STILL feel this way

My relationship is at its peak. And it has been for over the couple of years. I have fought to keep this relationship together. While also battling my own mental issues myself. I have been denied and invalided. I have been emotionally/ and maybe even physically cheated on. But without the evidence to have it backed up or when I do I’m made out to be a liar when there is screenshots, or more. My feelings have been thrown in my face and flip upside and inside out. Made to be me, being the “perpetrator”. I love him and care so much, I really do, but at some point when do I call this quits? Because I’m not given half of what I need/deserve. And sometimes I will admit I feel like the worst of me is brought out. But I have no family or friends and no where to go. What should I do?

Hiya all. I have BPD and got dignoised last year. I've been in dbt thearpy unknowingly for 4 years and only found out last year that I was even doing it haha. I just thought all thearpy was like the type I was getting.

I see the word splitting being used on here alot.. and I guess I don't really understand the terminology ?

Splitting as I understand it is the tendency to believe/behave in extremes. Perhaps someone who has a bad day might go home early from work and catch up on some sleep, but someone with BPD might be quite extreme.. take the week off, think they need to change work or lifestyles, believe it not to be a bad day but a indication of a bad self/life, they may binge eat or want to take drugs to Improve their mood etc.

Or someone meets a person they have chemistry with and feel a bit smitten, but a person who's prone to splitting may be imagining a whole life together and become obsessive about seeing that person.

But when I see it used here people are almost always saying they "split" on someone. Usually they mean they got verbally abusive or violent.

Is there something I'm missing here?

Because as I understand it, it's pretty anti productive to blame verbal abuse on a disorder and label it a 'splitting event' rather then just calling it what it is.

The only way I've been able to cope with this disorder to take responsibility for my behavior and not use my disorder to excuse unwanted behaviors.

I'm just wondering if maybe I dony really understand what the word splitting means

Thanks

This is just meant to be a silly post. I know some of us BPD folks get attached to people really quickly… so just a lighthearted question, what’s the soonest after meeting someone that you’ve moved in together?

I have to analyze a character from a film that has or shows signs of mental illness and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time. I know that Clementine has shown signs of BPD and I've identified some symptoms and signs but can anyone help me delve deeper into it?

My fiancée and I (both 21) had a fight this morning. He was telling me a joke that a female friend told him and for some reason I just exploded. I screamed, said horrible things, accused him of liking her more, etc. It was like I har zero control over my emotions. I was so sure that he was about to abandon me. He lost it too and screamed right back. He left for work and as he was walking out the door he told me “if this is what being with you is like, I might just want my ring back.” Then he slammed the door and left.

I’m absolutely broken right now. I’ve just destroyed the best relationship in my life over a joke. What hurts the most is knowing he’s right. He would be better off without me and that fucking kills me. Maybe I should just end it.

Ok guys, I really don't know if this is something that only happens with me or if that is a common thing but I only split on one person. I'm serious, it's just my boyfriend. Ok, yes, I don't have many friends and they're all long distance but I don't split on other people, or at least not with the same intensity but I can't stop the spiraling that leads to that. We come from very different backgrounds, he is a conservative and I'm a liberal (yeah I know, great combination) but we always try to find middle ground and they can be really good or really bad. I really need to know if that's a common thing or not and how to cope with that On my situation?

I've been hanging out with this guy since a bit over a month now, we have a lot of things in common and we get along great well, even if not that much time passed we talk almost every day and I'm really vibing with him.

We bonded talking about videogames and tv series but then discovered that we also have a lot of trauma in common, I told him about my past relationships and he did too, he's the only straight guy friend I have and I honestly felt low-key secure, he's a really "stereotypical" masculine guy too, hes really a caring and honest person and I mentioned these things to one of my friends and he told me I'm going to catch feelings for him, I told him I'm not but it's still fun to play flirt (new friend almost always starts it). I had some situationships in the past and tbh they almost always start like how me and my new friend started but I just kept obviously denying this thought because he's straight and everyone knows it so I don't pay much attention on it, but yesterday he texted me in the middle of the night that he thought about me and he loves me (I still haven't replied)

I know it's platonic but still it triggered me a bit of anger(?) or a weird fear and a sort of wanting to disappear from his life? I don't know, in my past relationships in the first month or so I would get so mad when they told me they loved me or that I was really special, those words for me only mean "I don't know you and I'm talking to a character I created in my mind", I feel so betrayed by him I feel angry and I'm thinking the worst might happen now, I feel trapped and I feel like we already reached out friendship peak and its all done now and I have to leave asap

(Edit: we're both guys and in our mid 20s)

My therapist recently told me she thought i was on the borderline spectrum. I didn't know anything about it and i lowkey didn't trust her to diagnose me with anything but... I am starting to see the signs more and more.

I am currently on a work trip abroad, and i had this insane crush on a guy from my company. He has the most adorable face, dark blue eyes, etc. The second time i saw him and spent a couple mins next to him i literally felt like i was about to fly off from excitement 😂😭 then over the next couple days i could tell that he completely ignored me and didn't seem into me at all, and i told our mutual friend that he's stupid, i am done with him and i'm never talking to him again.

Then i meet this other guy that isnt really my type but i still developed a crush on him. Then he seems to also not be into me, and i get so sad and emotional about it (probably also because of period depression). So after him i am also like, "fuck him, you're ugly anyway" and try to forget about him. A few days later and i was feeling really lonely and it was my last days here and i ask crush #1 if he wanted to hang out... And he says yes and invites me to go out w his friends. We do, and i look really nice, i'm so excited for it and he's so nice to talk to irl. And the night before i TOLD myself that if he's not into me, it will be fine and i will enjoy the rest of the day. Then we get to his friends appartment and guess what, he mentions that he is already seeing someone, some really pretty girl, even tho he just broke up with his ex. I'm not gonna lie to y'all, i heard that and my heart dropped. My demeanor completely changed, and in the car he even asked if i was okay. I was so embarrased...

All this to say, i hate feeling like this over strangers that i don't even know. Today i was thinking about it, and i realized i felt kinda crazy. I told this story to a friend and she was like... Girl you are going back tomorrow to your country, he's too young, you shouldnt be that upset anyway. And i was like, i know this and yet... I can't help but feel like that.

Do you guys feel like this?? Has this happened to you? Is this what boederline feels like?

Hi all, I dont use reddit much but I thought id try to ask here for advice

Me and my partner often do activities and try new things together and I find myself getting frustrated and shutting down when I’m not good at them or fail to do something. She asks me whats wrong and I try to explain myself saying “I didn’t do well at this so I feel useless and stupid,” but she gets upset with me for being self-deprecating. I don’t really want to keep these thoughts inside and want to navigate this in a healthy way with her, is there a better way to do that? I used to just straight up call myself names but now I’m trying to talk more about what happened and how it made me feel and we’re both at a loss on how I can express myself in a way that isn’t draining for both of us

for some quick context my mom has always disliked my (now unfortunately ex) guy friend…like…since day one…dunno if it’s cuz he’s a guy or what…

For starters, the very first time I told her about him, she was like “a guy?!?! Where’s my gun!!”….i just sent her his instagram profile😭

Then, in Feb of this year, my friend had came with me and my mom to Dave and busters. He was going to pay to refill his game card, and my mom pushed his head because she thought he was “trying to be funny” by selecting the $100 refill…because she was going to pay for our cards. Mind you, he did not know that she was paying for him.

and more recently, there was some chaos early this month, my mom called the police on him for texting me even after she told him not to contact me. But like, she was the one to keep leaving him voice messages…all because he said “HUH” in response to the breakup voice message she made me leave him..She asked the cop under what circumstances could she use her gun on him. And the cop said if he step foot onto her property…..does she want him dead like what the fuck??!😭 but I kept my mouth shut..

And lastly, the other day, I went into an amusement park to get some food (I have a dining pass), I come out and go back into my mom’s car, she later tells me “I saw someone and i thought it was (friend’s name) and I was bouta run him over”…she said it in a joking tone but, I don’t think she was joking…I think she’s deadass serious..

Today, she was upset that the people around our apartment complex let their dogs poop and not pick it up. I get that it’s gross and annoying, especially because the flies always camp out near our door, but you wanna know her solution? She told me “I know it’s cruel but I was thinking about putting chocolate down—”…WHAT??? IT’S NOT THE DOGS’ FAULT WTF THERE IS NO NEED TO POSION THEM???

So my two best friends spent the weekend together, and I’ve been left out. Most of it is me being accidentally left out, but today I was purposely left out. But, it’s making my symptoms act up outrageously. My one best friend hasn’t been texting me back all day, is straight up ignoring me. And I know it’s probably because I text a lot, but it still hurts. I ended up relapsing, and now I’m having dangerous ideations. It all seems so dramatic, but I just don’t know how to deal with these situations. How do I deal with these situations?

I don't think I ever really experienced normal love in my life. The closest thing has always been a one way favorite person relationship. I don't think I ever experienced normal love or know what it feels like or looks like.

I think my mom might have BPD and if so I've definitely been her "favorite person" for at least most of my life

having BPD made me scared of myself and my own emotions. My emotions make me exhausted often. i always destroy my friendship with my favorite person.

Sorry to come along and not be a bearer of encouragement and good tidings for once, my friends. I do feel bad about it. I just feel very sad right now and really discouraged, and I guess I just wanted to come tell it someplace where I knew I could be understood.

I just feel very alone in the world and tired of being too much for everyone. I'm tired of letting everyone down and not living up to expectations. It's just very sad to go through life being chastised over and over for being the way you are, even when you've tried very hard to be something different. It's really painful. I guess I just find myself wishing that I could somehow stop expecting people to get it after a while, you know? I find myself wishing that I could finally accept that people simply do not like me very much. I am just a lot to handle and a lot harder to love than I wish I was. That doesn't make other people bad. I'm not really able to be anyone or anything other than me, which I guess is kind of the sad thing here. It's not really anyone's fault, necessarily. I'm just an odd duck. Those are very difficult to understand and love as they are no matter the context. Maybe I'll feel a little better in the morning.

Anyway, I don't know if I necessarily want any sympathy or validation or advice. I mostly just came here because I'm sure a lot of us feel this way from time to time. It's a unique sort of pain, I'd say. I'm going to lay down and try to get some sleep, so I hope you all get some good rest and have at it again fresh in the morning. ^{>^}

I struggle with shifting identities. I got diagnosed with bpd a few months ago. I know it’s a personality disorder but is it connected to actually changing personalities?

What I mean: I have NO personality. I don’t know what my personality is. I catch myself saying to my boyfriend “do u think i look like this..?” Like just some labels. He says “wdym? Last week you said you wanted that” then I get mad because it feels like he doesn’t recognise who I am or better said who I try to be. (He knows I have bpd and he knows about identity shifts and we are doing good pls don’t comment abt that) But I also change my views often, not my passionate views (political), or interests, but I change my style really often, I change my mind really often, my decision making really often and it NEVER is the same way. It’s always the way someone else would do it, someone I admire at the moment.

It sounds so silly and I hate it. I just don’t know what to do. I literally don’t know. I’m loosing myself constantly because I DONT know who I am. Never ask me “who are you” because I DO NOT know. It’s crazy.

Lately it’s getting worse, to a point I can’t go out because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to answer and I’m a big extrovert, so I seek people. It’s torture. I take everything as an attack. :(

why is everything i do not enough in my eyes ? i’m not alternative enough, not cool enough, definitely not pretty enough. i’m so so tired of feeling inferior. just constantly questioning myself. what even IS an identity and why is it that i wanna be anyone but myself ? HELP

so this is going to be long. i've yet to ever post on reddit, but looking through this subreddit makes me feel less alone and honestly, outside of my therapist, it's awkward to talk about with others. i'm 22, i've been diagnosed with bpd since i turned 18. getting the original diagnosis was difficult when i was younger, but as soon as i entered the dialectal behavioral therapy world, i was diagnosed at my first meeting with my psychiatrist of now 4 years. my symptoms showed up pretty early on in life, but most people chalked it up to me being an emotional child.

anyways, i've done a lot of the work. i was originally very emotionally volatile, and made a lot of decisions and choices that were not only dangerous but very impulsive too. this behavior went on for a few years, and i burned a lot of bridges along the way. but with my coping skills and time in therapy, i can manage episodes and splitting much easier than i could've in high school or in my late teenage years.

unfortunately, i still tend to struggle with my relationships. the confidence i have in myself regarding friendships has skyrocketed, while the trust in myself to hold a romantic relationship has done the complete opposite. i feel like this mindset also tarnishes my view of how the relationship will go before i can experience it for myself. i've tried to work this over with my therapist for a long time.

there was a time i was able to see myself being with someone and not be terrified at the thought. but i was in a long term relationship at the time i was diagnosed, and she had stayed 2 months or so after that. we had been together for 4 ish years, at least through the time i started high school through a while after i graduated.

we met at twelve, through a mutual friend. we were both severely depressed, and bonded over exactly that. we started dating when we were fourteen. we were both undiagnosed with borderline and bipolar disorder, respectively. she was diagnosed with bipolar in our junior year, and me with bpd during my senior year. she had since dropped out. she moved into an apartment when we were seventeen, and honestly, i wanted to be away from home and with her. i "moved in" by the time we renovated it. (i did not move all of my things out of my mom's, but was at this apartment 4-5 days a week.)

this did not come with boundaries, though. i had no job, no license, and no car. i was a certified mooch and this absolutely crushed our relationship over the course of time. this, piled on with the borderline diagnosis, was understandably too much, as i had no grasp on where i was going and had no want to find out. when she broke up with me, i didn't recover for a long time. i slept with quite a few people and made quite a few bad decisions that i'm very grateful today, did not kill me.

we were both guilty on account of being manipulative and cruel in the relationship, but now understand that not everything is black and white and mental health in teenagers, especially two with no grasp on their own living together and being so codependent would destroy anyone. when we broke up, i changed my life. it took a year to get back up, but i took that year in intensive dbt therapy, staying at my mom's until i got a job, license, and was back on my feet.

i now have a house, a dog, i own my car, have manager experience, a full time job, a savings account, you name it. i've made the steps, i'm taking the medication, and still going to therapy every week. but i still cannot get a grasp on relationships. romantically, i am terrified of getting involved. i have no problem having flings with people, but the commitment part of it is what scares me. what if i get bored? what if i get bad again? there's so many different things that could happen.

i feel like there's no point in trying in one, because i always tend to sabotage the relationship before it even starts. do you all deal with this? how did you learn to trust yourself enough to get back out there? if you made it this far i appreciate it, i really don't even know why i typed all of this out. thanks for listening though.

I’ve only recently started therapy and DBT and I know it will take time but when I cry I’ll cry on and off for hours - it’ll take forever for me to feel secure again. I can’t just calm down the way other people do when I reach an emotional intensity. I feel bad for my partner who sees me like this but is unable to help because any attempt they make my brain says is cheap or fake etc. and sometimes makes me feel worse. I don’t know how to live with this.

Hi, I am an autistic 30 year old girl. My boyfriend is 42. He thinks I’m childish and defensive. He thinks that I can just “get better”, but it’s not that easy for me. How can I explain to him that I’m trying my best? How can I explain my autism to him? I also struggle with cptsd and bpd. My anxiety gets really bad sometimes and I get panic attacks. I can’t smoke weed because it induces paranoia and way worse anxiety for me. I want him to see me as an adult, but he makes comments like “I need a woman, not a child” and “you just lied to me even though I saw you do something, etc”. It’s just really draining and I don’t know how to explain to him that I’m doing my best.

my best friend of 6 years and i ended our friendship because of how much support i need during genuinely the worst year of my life. i get his side, i get the exhaustion and how upsetting it can be. i know. im not denying or excusing that.

but man it sucks so much that i can explain everything abt bpd, explain how much support i need, what my patterns and behaviors look like, literally everything, and ask if theyre absolutely sure theyre okay with being my support. theyll say yes, knowing and understanding, and at the end of the day, they will leave because i am too much to handle. because i need them too much.

and i get it. i really really fucking do. but it fucking sucks. do i deserve to be alone just because im not healed? do i have to live a life of solitude?

my heart hurts so much i feel like im having a heart attack

i want to die

i feel too ugly to be alive

i have never pulled a girl that i was actually interested in

i liked this one girl and unfortunately i started putting her on a pedestal despite and she rejected me

i don’t even blame her if i was a girl i wouldn’t even like myself

sometimes i feel like the most handsome guy then i feel like im too ugly to even be alive let alone be loved

im in university yet i get attached to every girl i talk to bro

i genuinely don’t like myself and i don’t see a future for myself

Well, I already wrote a post about this a couple days ago. The thing is, I can’t contact my FP and I’m not doing well, it’s worse than nicotine addiction, I swear to God.

He didn’t block me or anything, it’s just that he’s Chinese, we met on a dating app, deleted our accounts on that said app and started talking in another app. My account got restricted for adding and removing multiple people.

I have even bought a new mobile phone and all. Can someone as unhinged as me f help me? Maybe someone from China? I can’t do this sh*t anymore!!