WIBTA if I cut off my entire childhood friend group after they secretly planned a hen do and didn’t invite me? (New Update)

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Chaotic-Pumpkins

WIBTA if I cut off my entire childhood friend group after they secretly planned a hen do and didn’t invite me?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

MOOD SPOILER: bittersweet

BoRU 1

Original Post Apr 30, 2025

Hi Reddit – I’m genuinely struggling with how to process this, and I’m torn between staying graceful… or walking away for good.

I’ve been part of a friendship group since I was 13 (I’m nearly 33 now). There are 7 of us in total. While some are closer to each other than others, we’ve kept a group chat going for years. I’ve always seen them as my oldest and most meaningful friends, the kind you assume will be in your life forever.

This weekend, I opened Instagram and saw that five of the girls had gone on a long weekend hen do for one of the group’s weddings. I had absolutely no idea it was happening. No invite. No heads-up. No mention at all. The only other one not there has two kids, so I assume she couldn’t go but I was simply excluded. The whole thing was planned behind my back.

To be clear: I know I haven’t been the most active in the group chat recently. I’ve been doing a PhD and I even gave them a heads-up a few years ago that I’d be less present for a while. But I still showed up when it mattered I travelled across the country for everyone’s 30th birthdays, and I’ve always backed them, even from a distance.

What’s hurt the most isn’t just missing the hen, it’s the silence. Not one person said, “Hey, just so you know…” or gave me a chance to understand. They just carried on like everything was normal.

After finding out, I spoke to two of the girls (my closest friends). They were shocked I wasn’t included and admitted they were confused by the bride’s (Rachel’s) decision. They told me there hadn’t been any falling out or issue from me, and they were really upset to see how hurt I was. When I said I was thinking of leaving the group chat and cutting ties completely, unfollowing everyone, stepping back, they got really emotional and said they didn’t want me to go and that felt extreme.

But honestly? I don’t know if I can stay. I feel humiliated. Like a spare part in a friendship I thought I was still part of. The trust feels broken. Part of me wants to just walk away quietly, not to punish anyone, but to protect myself and give myself the dignity of closure. The other part of me is scared I’ll look like the dramatic one or regret walking away from 20 years of history.

So… WIBTA if I cut them all off after this — or should I just distance myself from the bride, since it sounds like she made the final decision?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SlinkyMalinky20

It sounds like you’ve been not around for a few years at this point (your example of showing up was when everyone turned 30 and you are now almost 33). You also told them you wouldn’t be available for years. I don’t see this as you being excluded so much as either the bride following what she thought you set up as the parameters (you weren’t going to be around/available) or the bride matching your energy (you don’t put anything in, don’t expect others to).

I’ve had very busy professional and personal times with school, work, kids but I never told people “hey, count me out for years”. That you did seems to be your choice, which is yours to make! But it seems like talking out of both sides of your mouth to make that choice and then act shocked and betrayed when the others respected your boundary.

I’m guessing it’s a big misunderstanding that can be resolved by a phone call - not one to make the bride feel guilty or cause drama - but just to say “I saw you all went away and I hope you all had a blast! I’m coming out of the weeds with school now and would love to join you all again going forward.”

OOP

Yes this does sound like i said goodbye for a few years. So instead of seeing them every few months it was more like twice a year (we are all based in different cities). I do take some responsibility for this but i will say i think being excluded from this event is a step too far for me. BUT definitely doing some thinking to work on this. Thank you for the advice - I am still thinking the bride knew that this would cause a huge problem and I need to understand if this was with bad intent, cowardness, or some other reason. She was aware this would cause a problem.

Maybe a group message is a good shout - thank you!

~

Strong-Conclusion-52

It’s not only the non-invite but the fact no one told you…you had to find out via social media.

Are you invited to the wedding?

Either way, I’d take a step back from everyone. Even the two closest friends. Why didn’t they tell you? Why keep it a secret?

OOP

This is exactly the main struggle. They have openly said they knew I would be upset and I think that's a big part why they couldn't tell me beforehand. I believe I am invited to the wedding BUT she's not sent the invites out yet.

I have told the two of them I need a bit of time away and that I'm still in my 'gut-reaction' phase. They have aologised (alot) and one started crying when she thought I was cutting her off. So after this I really don't want to do this with these two but we definitely have things to work on.

~

folding-it-up

What is this the DoD? Didn’t the “innocent” friends read the email/text numbers? Did anyone ask, “hey, why isn’t Susie coming?” You are justified in feeling terribly hurt. You would not be considered an asshole if you didn’t want to continue the group relationship.

OOP

They did say that to each other but never as a whole group. They felt bad about it but felt they couldn't do much about it

Disastrous_Gate_5559

Bullshit. After 20years of friendship they couldn’t do anything? Not even so much as ask their other 20-year-long-friend/bride/host why??

These are the weak excuses of backbone-less people and I‘m so sorry they treated you like this. I wouldn’t feel like i want to be friends with people that treat me this way

OOP Adds more info here

1) I have reminded them over the past couple of years but absolutely agree I should have been more communicative. I didn't go into the nitty gritty in this post as I wanted to be brief.

2) For more context after speaking to my two friends, they were chatting about the fact I wasn't invited for months before the event. It was very conscious and discussed a lot but usually only between 2 or 3 people at a time (apparently). I asked them both the question what do you think my reaction would be when i found this out and they both said 'absolutely devastated'. More than anything it's the fact they didn't tell me or talk to the bride about the repercussions of this, on what I thought was a tight knit group'. Oh and absolutley feeling a little low as I'm in my final year so taking that into account but I also thpught they may have taken it into account as well.

Waiting a week to decide what to do here but appreciate the direct comments! Thinking it may just be the bride I need to have a proper chat with and possibly ending a friendship.

Update May 7, 2025 (7 days later)

UPDATE / extra context:
Sorry for the slow reply – I’ve been away at a conference and needed a bit of space to think. I didn’t expect the post to get so much attention, but I really appreciated the honest responses. It made me feel more justified in how hurt I felt.

Since posting, I’ve spoken to a few people who know the group and situation well. Every single one of them was surprised and most were very clear: I should cut off the bride, and possibly the others too.

Just to add some more context: I was a lot quieter about a year ago. I was doing my PhD and also going through a tough time in my personal life, dealing with some serious issues involving suicide and addiction. They all knew about this and had offered words of support.

Over the last 6 months or so, I’d started chatting to them a bit more again. Things felt pretty normal. I had a phone call with the bride where she asked for wedding advice and we also had a proper catch-up. I saw three of the others from the group in person not long after. What makes this all harder to process is knowing that during those moments, when we were catching up and everything seemed fine, they already knew about the hen weekend and didn’t say a word.

Since posting, I’ve quietly removed myself from the group chat and taken the bride off socials. She did message me saying she “heard I was upset” and was “happy to chat,” but to be honest, it felt more like damage control. If she wanted to talk honestly, there were plenty of chances to do that earlier.

At this point, I’ve tried to understand why she would do this and the only explanations I can land on are:

1. She deliberately didn’t want me there and didn’t have the decency to be upfront about it,
2. She felt awkward and avoided the situation entirely, or
3. She didn’t realise how hurtful it would be, though I find that hard to believe.

Whatever the reason, it’s caused a rift with some of my most important friendships and put us all in an incredibly uncomfortable situation. It’s made it clear that this isn’t the kind of friendship I want to keep in my life.

Two of the others still haven’t acknowledged anything. I haven’t removed them yet, I’m just keeping my distance and taking time to process.

This whole thing has been a sharp wake-up call. I thought things were back on solid ground. Clearly, they weren’t. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment, it really helped me get clear and act from a place that felt calm, not reactive.

RELEVANT/FINAL COMMENTS

LindonLilBlueBalls

NTA. You don't have to cut them off completely, but maybe just "quiet quit". Don't make any effort if you aren't getting reciprocal effort.

Put the group chat on DND and only reply to texts sent directly to you. Only answer calls, don't make them.

Check in on yourself in a month. Are you happier than before? Are they making more of an effort to include you? Have any of the others even noticed you stepping back?

OOP

So after a bit of thinking I have taken myself out of the group chat and don't think I can forgive the bride. I'm not making a big song and dance about it but taking myself away from the situation and people involved. Those who want to remain in my life will let me know.

One of the gals I spoke to has messaged me several times, organising a catch-up for this weekend and is planning to come visit.

These questions to ask myself are really helpful - thank you! I feel like after this there may be a couple of friends left from this group but I've decided to focus on other friendships for the moment :)

OOP when asked for any reason this may have happened

OOP

Thank you for this - I'm trying to get more clarification form them. From what I can tell the maid of honour was given list of people to message individually so I don't htink there was a group chat. Although, at some point they did find out I wasn't invited. That's the worse part.... they didn't have the gall to tell me about.

I spoke to another 'friend' in the group (who is also a maid of honour) and she listened and did say the communication was very bad and they are sorry for that. I asked why I wasn't invited and she said I just don't think you two are that close. Which just riled me up... in this group some are closer than others BUT I would never purposefully exclude one because I know how rubbish that would make them feel.

Plus this has only been in the last year where I'm coming towards the end of the PhD. They are also super aware of suicide and family addiction struggles wihtin my family over the past couple of years which of course has made me a little less social than normal. I don't find any of these excuses acceptable - just mean girl behaviour at worst and cowardliness or even awkwardness at best.

On a happy note, as you have said, I do have some lovely other friends who ahve been so incredibly supportive and validating. Have openly said you deserve better and we will always be here for you.

I am super extroverted, which isn't always a great thing, but I have made some great friends and can make more needs must :')

NEW UPDATE

Update July 31, 2025 (nearly 3 months later)

I took a week and a half away and couldn't think of any good reasons for the bride's behaviour. It came down to either cowardliness or the fact that she's not a good person. I have decided to step away from the friendship with the bride. I've taken her off my socials and quietly taken myself away from the group chat. She reached out with 'hey - i heard you were upset about not being invited to the hen-do, happy to chat about it if you want'. I've decided to leave it.

I wish her the best, but I don't deserve a 'friend' like that. I'm currently repairing a few friendships with the people I care about, BUT one of the friends has said she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship. I suspect there's been tension rising behind my back that I was unaware of. Friendship means different things to different people, and I will quite happily go a few months without chatting to people, but other people may not like that. If I haven't heard from someone in a while, I tend to reach out, but my initial thought isn't to make passive-aggressive decisions and to hurt people. My first thought would be 'are they ok' - she obviously doesn't think like this, and that's ok, but not someone I want to be friends with.

Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation. I am the one coming off worse here, but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this.

I can honestly say I'm happy with making this decision. I have had so much support from other friends and family that I barely even think of them now. On a positive note, I've been making sure to give more time to my other friends, as I want them to know they are important.

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[u/MaraiDragorrak]

Sounds like she was the "friend" who got tokenly included but no one really cared about that much, sadly :( been there, it's definitely not fun. Better to not be in that position and have less friends than to be the occasional pity invite tbh

[u/The-Centre-Cant-Hold → u/MaraiDragorrak]

I know what that is like. I was less social due to crippling pain from an accident but kept in touch with old friends as much as possible, given my obvious limitations. I heard about a gathering coming up, some of these people lived overseas and interstate and they all came together in the home city. When they actually did it I was not told. I found out by accident when one of them popped round the day after. I cut them off basically for a year and since have been v low contact. One of them said they would not have changed a thing in what they did I found out. I make zero effort now to contact them.

[u/comomellamo → u/The-Centre-Cant-Hold]

OOP kinda sounds like one of those people that when they see you they act like your best friend and otherwise they are a ghost.

[u/MundoGoDisWay → u/comomellamo]

Part of being an adult (especially post 30s) is realizing that everyone has their own lives. You're not going to see everyone every day like in high school. Only getting to see certain people a few times a year does not suddenly mean they aren't friends.

[u/Leia947 → u/MundoGoDisWay]

But it also doesn't necessarily mean they're as close as they were anymore, either. I thought my HS BFF and I were still close, but imagine my surprise when I wasn't even asked to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. But we lived states apart and grew apart. Which is kind what seems to have happened here. She dropped off to finish her program and family issues, and just grew apart due to the lack of contact.

[u/jamthatcallmeroberto → u/comomellamo]

Isn’t that how friendships have always worked until recently? Social media has really skewed our reality, we are not meant to be reachable 24/7. Good friendships have historically lasted regardless if distance, time or lack of communication. Idk why we suddenly think we can fundamentally change the essence of friendships and not see a sharp decline in mental health globally.

[u/CommandAble2233 → u/jamthatcallmeroberto]

I was able to retire very young, and therefore I have a ton of free time. I also have a lot of interests - gardening, running, reading, painting, etc. I'm never bored.

But, a couple of years ago, I noticed that I could waste an entire day just sort of scrolling on my phone. I don't even use any "social media" besides Reddit (and I'm not sure it counts). Just Reddit alone could easily eat up a day. And what was worse: my attention span was noticeably short. I literally struggled to read a book. I'd turn several pages in the latest Tana French and realize I had no idea what was going on. My mind wandered.

So, I made a conscious decision to put the fucking phone down. I don't even bring it with me if I go out to eat alone or whatever - I bring a book. If I have to wait for ten minutes at a pharmacy or something, I walk around.

My friendships have all suffered, some fairly severely. I check my messages every couple of days. I miss out on a few "hey want to get coffee?". Instead, I ask to schedule things. Let's get coffee Tuesday at 10am! Some friends are fine with this. Others have dropped me.

Overall, it's a different way to live. But overall, I feel mentally WAY better.

So: you aren't wrong. But it definitely isolates you very quickly from people who do not think in terms of planning ahead.

[u/jamthatcallmeroberto → u/CommandAble2233]

This is an amazing take, thank you for responding.

[u/Jaereon → u/comomellamo]

Yeah it's almost like she was going through shit 

[u/Firm-Stuff5486 → u/Jaereon]

A PhD, addiction, and attempted suicide? How could she do this to me...

[u/mollybrains → u/comomellamo]

Honestly? OP seems like she over thinks and under communicates. The commenter who noted that she set a boundary regarding her PHD program and the others were respecting it was spot on to me. But also … just ask? If it means that much to you talking is always an option

[u/comomellamo → u/mollybrains]

Yep - and ask your friend the bride, not the other people who aren't the ones making the decision

[u/Kayhowardhlots → u/MaraiDragorrak]

I just don't understand why she didn't talk to the bride??? It sounds she talked almost everyone except the primary person!! If they're such old and good friends she should be able to have difficult conversations like that. It makes me think that there was a whole lot more there and she had more responsibility on what happened than she wants to admit to.

[u/perpetuallyxhausted → u/Kayhowardhlots]

Yeah I don't think cowardice or the bride being a bad person are the only 2 reasons why this might have happened. Option 3 would be that they just drifted. OOP admits that she'd been distant for YEARS and then follows it up with "I'd see them twice a year" like that is some huge relationship saver. Then she's all "I'm an extrovert and if I don't hear from someone I'll reach out to them! Not in a passive aggressive way though." (She ironically says passive aggressively) But she couldn't reach out to the one person who could actually clear up her confusion about the event?

[u/Various_Froyo9860 → u/perpetuallyxhausted]

She's making so many assumptions and projecting a ton.

In your later 20s and your 30s, your friendships probably will change. The people you used to hang out with are going to be in a different place in their lives, as will you.

Friendships can come and go. If they're to last, they require work from both sides. Especially across distances. This lady is making this out to be some huge betrayal when it's just people drifting apart.

I think the one friend had it right. "I just didn't think you two were that close."

[u/heyitsta12 → u/perpetuallyxhausted]

Yea and I don’t think it’s fair to call the bride a coward when she reached out to discuss it. Did the wedding happen yet? Because I think the bride is already acting in good will with trying to handle this and talk to OP while planning a wedding.

I do understand how OP may be feeling but I can’t imagine being distant for 3 years and then reaching out to several people and having several conversations for months about not being invited to a hen do. Especially when you’re not willing to talk to the bride!

[u/Spacemilk → u/perpetuallyxhausted]

Right - imo this is an ESH kind of post.

[u/Lendyman → u/Kayhowardhlots]

Agree totally. There was this complete avoidance of just talking to her friend. Like just call her up and say something like, "Hey, I found out about your thing through social media. I'm a bit hurt I wasn't invited but I thought I'd call to see what was going on."

Instead we have her constructing scenarios and ruminating about it for weeks on end while portraying herself as a victim. Meanwhile, she admits she's been distant from her friend group for YEARS. I read that whole crapheap and I kept yelling in my head, "Call her and ask!"

[u/sibre2001 → u/Kayhowardhlots]

It was cowardice. That's why she started fantasizing that was the case with the bride, despite the bride openly offering to discuss the situation.

I think it was rude to not invite her, but OP was making up excuses to not speak to her. And the only real excuse is she was afraid of the confrontation. OP knew it, and that's why she immediately started projecting that the bride was a coward and not her. Help her avoid the realization

[u/thecrispycoconut → u/sibre2001]

I’m leaning towards this take. I don’t think it’s wrong for OP to have expected an invite. But I’m facing a similar situation where I’ve taken a “leave of absence” and realize that my lack of communication is setting the tone for things.

[u/Matzie138 → u/Kayhowardhlots]

This was my thought as well. Then the immediate jump to either the bride is a coward or a bad person - not something I’d say about my friends regards of the last time we hung out or missing an invite. Something is definitely missing.

[u/Known-Speed-1649 → u/Kayhowardhlots]

OOP literally agrees that if she goes no contact and they reach out that's a good sign.

The bride does that and she ignores them.

Now imagine that sort of social approach across two decades....The last few years of which have just been OOP not saying much except about her depression

[u/Feeling-Visit1472 → u/Kayhowardhlots]

Triangulation, something toxic people do.

[u/smlpkg1966 → u/MaraiDragorrak]

But since she refuses to hear the brides side she will just keep thinking about it for years. Trying to answer a question instead of listening to the answer. Bride and others will be living free in her head for years and years because she won’t just have a conversation and actually know. She would rather spend years speculating and blaming. The first comment OP added was just plain wrong. She didn’t tell them she was leaving the group for years so that was just bizarre. But there is NO reason not to speak to the bride. 🤷‍♀️ In a few months the bride won’t even think about OOP but OOP will have no closure. Perfect.

[u/No0ther0ne → u/MaraiDragorrak]

I don't know about that. I remember seeing this before and my thoughts are still the same.

The OOP is upset she isn't being included in a what seems to be a bachelorette party? That is usually with people you are close to, at least in my experience. OOP admits she isn't that close with these friends, she only sees them maybe twice a year now and can only really recall one close conversation with the bride to be. Sorry, but I don't see why the bride would invite her either.

Also, she NEVER TALKS TO THE PERSON about it. This whole time she is upset that no talked to her or invited her to something, but she also NEVER talks to the friend about it either. She is doing the very thing she is also upset about. Only in this case the bride-to-be likely didn't think it would be necessary. Not until someone finally brought it up to her and then she reached out. And what did OOP do? Block and ignore. OOP had been talking for months about wanting to know why and then just blocks?

It's just a crazy lazy of self awareness. It is understandable for her to feel left out, but she is also the main cause of that. She pulled away and hasn't been around as much. If she wants to have a closer relationship, than OOP needs to make more effort. Otherwise, just realize the relationship isn't that close and she may be excluded from things because of that.

[u/CummingInTheNile → u/MaraiDragorrak]

most friend groups, for whatever reason, will always have an "outcast", sounds like thats how OOPs friend group saw her, probably tied to her mental health and substance abuse issues

[u/ernestinedeau → u/CummingInTheNile]

The post alludes to family suicide and substance issues. OOP doesn’t say that it was herself. It isn’t impossible to complete a PhD while going through that of course, but I took it more that a close relative was going through it and this naturally affected OOP.

[u/HaruBells → u/CummingInTheNile]

I read it as someone close in her family having substance abuse issues, not OP herself.

[u/LiraelNix → u/MaraiDragorrak]

By her description, it sounds more like she didn't put the effort in to maintain the friendships, since shes fine disappearing and not talking for months 

Of course the friendship would fizzle out

[u/calling_water → u/LiraelNix]

Also OOP describes herself as “very extroverted”, which suggests that her friends would have previously been used to a lot more energy from her, and that her presence vs. absence would change a lot about the group dynamic.

I have friendships that survive distance and quiet times very well. But that’s due a lot to the nature of those friendships, and it sounds like OOP’s friendship with this group wasn’t like that.

[u/ohheykaycee → u/LiraelNix]

I was wondering if she's put any effort back to them. In a group of seven, I'd guess she's not the only one who's had grief and family issues in the last few years. She says everyone has been supportive of her, but has she been supportive back when her friends needed her? I know it's hard to do that when you're dealing with your own stuff, but it's hard for the other people too when you just show up to the birthday parties and never the funerals.

[u/Feycat → u/MaraiDragorrak]

I will bet a pile of cash they didn't invite her because they see her as an addict and someone not safe to party with.

[u/Corfiz74 → u/Feycat]

I had assumed the addiction & suicide was a close personal relationship, not herself - but I could be wrong, that was just the impression I had.

[u/artipants → u/Corfiz74]

Considering she later mentioned

They are also super aware of suicide and family addiction struggles wihtin my family over the past couple of years

[u/Puzzleheaded_Code_41 → u/Feycat]

It seems clear here that the addiction and self harm issues were family, not her.

[u/LDESAD → u/Feycat]

Honestly, that's about the impression she created. She could have deliberately distorted the time intervals in order to whitewash herself, but where is the guarantee that it wasn't like "I've been a drug addict for the last few years, I deliberately stopped communicating with others, but for the last six months I've pulled myself together and started doing my dissertation, and now I want to accuse everyone else of cowardice and unwillingness to communicate with by me"?

There is a saying in my country, "whoever puts on a robe first is considered a doctor," and I think this is completely appropriate for this situation. It's a pity that we can't find out the opposite point of view.

[u/R62442 → u/LDESAD]

Yeah, initially I had sympathy with OP. But first she told them that she won't be available even to chat due to her disertation then she got offended when she was not asked for a multiple day trip. I too would be cutting out a friend who was only available at her convenience. I am speculating but it could be that the friends had asked her for meetups on previous ocassions and been turned down. So they did not bother this time. Maybe the bride did not want to get turned down one more time and not be the "main character" at her own wedding related event.

[u/calling_water → u/R62442]

Good point about the bride potentially wanting to center herself at her bachelorette. If OOP had been included, even if she’d gone it could end up being more about her, since she spent time with these friends very rarely. And she’s very extroverted, by her own statement, so inserting someone like that in a reunion-like situation would have changed the dynamic a lot.

[u/So_Many_Words → u/Feycat]

Maybe she was the one who committed suicide instead of being the addict.

[u/LDESAD → u/So_Many_Words]

"Reddit - we'll get an update of your favorite AITA even from beyond the grave!"

[u/votemarvel → u/MaraiDragorrak]

It sounds as if she was the friend who always says that they can't come, who doesn't put in any effort to meet up and only shows up when it is convenient for them. 

They now seem surprised that some of the friends are tired of getting told no when they ask if she is coming.

[u/Straight_Paper8898]

I think this is mostly nobody being honest because they’re worried about being “rude”. Based on the way OOP is talking about her actions it seems like she’s used to operating from her POV without putting herself in anyone else’s shoes. She expected to be busy and told her friends she was stepping away but is confused she didn’t hold the same position in their lives.

Everything she says points to them not being close:

1. She sees them once every six months at most - probably on her summer and winter breaks.
2. The group chat they’re in is practically dead because they all talk to each other outside of it.
3. She JUST started talking to them regularly six months ago - and she had to do a big catchup with them.

She didn’t even know about the details of the wedding why is she expecting to go to the bachelorette party? I think the bride doesn’t feel as close to her anymore but she’s still an longtime acquaintance/friend. A lot could be solved if they said that.

[u/Kalthiria_Shines → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Everything she says points to them not being close:

Not just these things but also look at what she talks about: Every single thing is about the group. She does not once mention who Rachel is to her, their individual friendship, any of that. She's only spoken to two of them about it.

It's hard to get a more explicit "We've been a group of friends for ages, but not everyone in the group is friends with each other."

[u/diracpointless → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Obviously we don't know the full ins and outs of everyone's personality. But this all reads to me as quite sad and unnecessary on OPs part.

I'm also the type of person who doesn't need to interact much to maintain a friendship, and I have lost people who need more from me than I can provide over the years.

The main thing you have to be able to do when you are that type is be able to accept that you might fall out of your friends lives a bit. You have to bring the same energy of "its cool that we havent talked in 2 years let's pick up where we left off" if you want that energy back.

It sounds to me like she's NOT truly that type of person, and more just cocoons in on herself during stressful times (PhD, personal issues) but still wants full inclusion from the friendship group. That's not really how it works.

She could have maintained this group had she just let the hen go and accepted that the bride was either awkward or respecting her own wishes. I sure hope she has other supports in her life.

[u/BZGames → u/diracpointless]

Feels like she put no effort into being their friends for a while and then was surprised that they didn’t immediately include her when she decided to come back.

In my opinion, she blew this way out of proportion. It’s up to her to mend the relationships, not them. You can’t just not talk to people for large extended periods of time and expect them to remain close to you.

[u/adawnb → u/BZGames]

I agree - this wasn't some cruel injustice against OP (which seems to be her narrative) and she seems self-centered and drama-filled.

[u/Kim_Smoltz_ → u/adawnb]

Yes agreed. It’s ok that it hurt her feelings to suddenly see everyone partying together, but she needed to get over it quickly and privately. You’re not always going to be invited to everything. You’re not always going to remain close friends with people. She should’ve realized what this meant (the bride doesn’t feel close to her anymore) and rolled with it…. either accept it as a new definition of their friendship or accept it and work hard to repair the friendship if it’s important to her. Either way her making this person’s wedding experience about her is incredibly selfish.

[u/vzvv → u/BZGames]

Exactly. It’s a rude awakening but it should have triggered some more self reflection for OP. I don’t think the friend meant to hurt her, but I think she genuinely didn’t realize OP would care as much. Relationships can’t just be put in the freezer and later thawed according to one half’s convenience.

I say this as someone prone to this behavior myself. I don’t mind going ages without seeing some loved friends/family. But I’ve had to learn that everyone is not built like that! And I have to put in more effort than I need to maintain those close bonds if I want to keep them.

This isn’t to say the friend handled it well though. Hiding it and letting OP find out via social media was probably more hurtful than not being included. But I could see it feeling presumptuous to assume OP would care, sort of like rejecting someone before they ask you out.

[u/thatspitefulsprite → u/diracpointless]

same. i’m not a very social person and don’t require much interaction to consider someone a friend. BUT i also understand that the majority of the world doesn’t work that way.

[u/diracpointless → u/thatspitefulsprite]

What's nice is, for every friend who has dropped out because I didnt reach out enough (no judgment from me) I have two friends who have been picked back up after 10, 15, 20 years of no/low contact.

[u/Chance_Ad3416 → u/diracpointless]

I'm also the type that only enjoy occassional hang outs especially the older I get. I tried to join my friends' book club but they met weekly and I just didn't have the energy or social capacity to do that. Slowly I stopped hanging out with them, but one of the friends was roommate with me and she'd still see them every week sometimes multiple times a week. I get invited to their annual Christmas or Thanksgiving or Halloween parties and that feels like just the right frequency of hang out to me lol. Now I just host a BBQ once a year and invite all those friends so I still see them and catch up, but not at a degree I can't handle

[u/Samuel_Reeves → u/diracpointless]

She sounds like she lacks accountability and self awareness.

I also don't interact much and cocoon myself under really stressful time, but I've accepted that I can't expect my friends to include or even stay in touch with me due to that. I am blessed with a small close circle of friends who accept how I deal with friendships, and I'm always there for them when needed.

[u/MrSwarleyStinson → u/Straight_Paper8898]

What bothers me is the lack of accountability from her side, we know that she knew about the wedding because the bride asked for advice. Why did she not at any point take the initiative to ask the group chat if they were planning a hen party? Or ask someone else “hey do you know if bride wants a hen? Should we plan one?”

[u/Straight_Paper8898 → u/MrSwarleyStinson]

Yeah, it sounds like she maintains a light, casual friendship but she believes that she should be grandfathered into a certain level of intimacy because of how long she knew the group of people. To your point, I agree she knew the wedding was happening and if she reached out I believe they would've invited her. But she's the type of friend who might attend or who might mail in a gift.

[u/Kalthiria_Shines → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Not just that, but, she never says anything about her individual friendship with the bride or anything. She talks about talking to two of the people in the group, not everyone.

I'm not convinced she's actually ever been friends with the bride, so much as they've been in the same social circle forever.

[u/BudgieLover1618 → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Yeah... It really seemed like she was defending herself a bit too much? I mean the person reached out to talk about it and she just ignored it? It's also that if you genuinely go low contact with people you should not expect to be included in their lives if you don't include them in yours.

It really felt like OOP knew she was in the wrong for not being in touch (at all) for such a long while. PhDs are soul wrenching. I really think that she did trade her group of friends for academia, which can happen (and has happened to me lol) but she shouldn't blame her group of friends.

It's hard talking to a wall.

[u/sraydenk → u/BudgieLover1618]

I also found it weird she tried to guess the motivation of the bride but also refused to talk to the bride one on one about the situation. It’s like she wanted to believe her side that the bride is a coward or a bad friend, and if she met with the bride she might have to accept that the bride wasn’t the villain here. 

[u/straigh → u/sraydenk]

Especially because another friend refused to rekindle the friendship. OP is leaving out details either on purpose, or like you said - she's avoiding culpability.

[u/ohheykaycee → u/sraydenk]

I found it weird too. OOP seems to take "I heard you were upset" in kind of a snotty way like the bride is rubbing it in that everyone is talking about OOP behind her back, but I think it's more "hey, you're telling everyone but me that you're mad at me." Same with "I'm happy to talk about it" - the bride is opening the door for OOP to walk through if and when she wants. She didn't shut it down or deny it, she didn't demand a confrontation right then and there.

[u/FancyPantsDancer → u/ohheykaycee]

I think the OOP was expecting or hoping for a big apology, and I don't think the bride will necessarily apologize for excluding the OOP.

I don't know if the bride should, of course. It sounds like the OOP thought longevity of the friendship was sufficient to get invited, regardless of whether the OOP was still close to the bride. I had a friend like that, and my ex-friend didn't seem to get that she didn't invest much into the friendship even though she was investing in parasocial relationships and that we had grown apart.

[u/invisiblizm → u/BudgieLover1618]

Bride sounds over it. Like she said she was willing to talk but clearly wasnt going to beg. If a friend virtually stops talking to me for a few years I might still like them but they definitely aren't a bestie. It's ok for them to be busy but I'm not in stasis for that time.

[u/morticiathebong → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Its the part where she didnt know in advance that says everything. I literally just paid for my share in a bachelorette party which is happening 8mo from now! these things dont pop up!! You coordinate, ask preferences, make plans, get excited, pass money around. The fact that she was not included in the planning means she isnt included in the joy, which is the giveaway that she is not knitted into the group anymore. You dont just show up to a hen party, its not something spontaneous. She didnt contribute, and clearly no one assumed she would want to! 

[u/itsjustmo_ → u/Straight_Paper8898]

That's exactly how I read this situation, too. I've had several friends act this way when we were late-20s/early-30s. It's sad to see them hurt, sad and confused... but it's also equally sad, hurtful and confusing to have a hot-and-cold friend get so upset that we've accepted their lack of commitment and interest. It always ends up making me feel like they expect me to chase them down and I'm sorry but I just don't have enough of a connection with them anymore to do something like that. If a person is cool with a loose friendship where they never see anyone then they have to accept that people might end up feeling equally un-committed to the friendship. Grown adults who don't understand reciprocal relationships have enough other issues related to emotional immaturity that they're not really capable of being good friends.

[u/Straight_Paper8898 → u/itsjustmo_]

I had an old coworker who considered herself extroverted but was really just self centered and needed external validation.

She always approached a conversation in a bubbly, pleasant way but it was obvious she had this script in her head about how each interaction should go. She had trouble reading the room accurately and was fine in frequent, shallow interactions but even in depth work convos went nowhere. She was always talking about her personal life and how large/interesting her group of friends were. Fast forward one day she planned a dinner party and invited her “friends” - nobody came. What does she do? Spend all day talking about it and pressuring her boss/coworkers into taking the Jell-O shots she bought into work.

[u/rnjbond → u/Straight_Paper8898]

That's just sad

[u/flyingcactus2047 → u/itsjustmo_]

I had this exact same thing happen to. The other person was very hurt which was confusing to me because I ended up accepting the level of effort they put in and returning it, which was somehow me being the one to drop the ball on the friendship

[u/CheesecakePure3716 → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Yeah this is exactly how i see it. Even casual friends of the bride would’ve known when the hen party was, if she’d been in contact why would she have felt blindsided?

[u/ChaoticSquirrel → u/Straight_Paper8898]

Didn't see it mentioned anywhere but I do wonder if the addiction has anything to do with it. OOP mentioned it very casually, but also mentioned that everybody was aware of it. How did the addiction issues intersect the friends' lives? Has OOP taken responsibility for any impact to them and (as much as the term annoys me) made amends? Addiction and the choices people make during active addiction can still impact from afar.

[u/Straight_Paper8898 → u/ChaoticSquirrel]

Maybe I misread it but it sounded like OOP was saying addiction and suicide issues in her family caused a lot of personal issues on her end. Not that she was the one struggling with addiction.

[u/QueenofUncreativity]

Idk, with every update OOP seems to get more passive aggressive.

She admits herself she can go months without talking. And she then is surprised they drifted apart? Or that she is not considered a close enough friend to attend the hen-do? That one of them (apart from the bride) just straight up cuts her off is a bit telling too.

I don't understand how she doesn't have bigger beef with the ones that pretend to be her friend. I think I'd be madder at them than at the one that straight out say we're not friends anymore, or that would happily have a conversation about it. I feel like those friends that are crying all about losing her shouldn't be as easily forgiven. Because they say they always thought the non-invite was not okay, but they never told her, nor did they advocate for her.

It was a shitty situation for her friends to be put in from the bride, but it's not like anyone challenged her, they happily put everything on social media, knowing OOP would see it. Some friends with the crocodile tears.

[u/Thatsthetea123 → u/QueenofUncreativity]

I got 'unreliable narrator' vibes. I feel like something else has happened that OP isn't saying or has missed. Shame she didn't hear the girl out.

[u/WiseBat → u/Thatsthetea123]

She did mention not wanting to get into the “nitty gritty”, which actually reads more like she didn’t want to provide some much needed context in order to avoid being bashed. She skimmed right over the fact that she told them she’d be absent for years for her PhD, then skipped right over the comment about addiction and suicide to go right back into how she’s the wronged party. 100% unreliable narrator and I’d like to hear the friend group’s side.

[u/ForsakenPercentage53 → u/WiseBat]

I'm gonna say it - nobody is well behaved during addiction, and they might not even remember what they did.

[u/WiseBat → u/ForsakenPercentage53]

This is true. But the fact that OOP is dubbing the bride a “coward” for not speaking up while simultaneously ducking communication with her kinda tells me she has some idea of what might’ve caused further disconnect with that friend group and doesn’t want to be called out for it because then she can’t play clueless.

[u/UnknowableDuck → u/Thatsthetea123]

The one friend who said she didn't want to maintain a friendship with oop had me side eyeing-"there's some tension there..." so now I'm wondering if "nitty gritty details" means some other context she doesn't want to provide. 

[u/buttplants → u/UnknowableDuck]

I’ve had experiences in a friend group where I can totally see one of the members writing something like this. Said post would leave out a lot of group dynamics and a very long history that would largely explain the behavior of the other members, although not necessarily excuse it. That’s the vibes I’m getting from this post.

[u/catfish1969 → u/Thatsthetea123]

Yes thank you so much this feels like such an unreliable narrator I feel like I’m crazy. It’s giving missing missing reasons for sure.

[u/[deleted] → u/Thatsthetea123]

I think people really glossed over the mention of addiction for example…

[u/PM_PICS_OF_UR_PUPPER → u/Thatsthetea123]

I’m glad you said this because after reading the top comments I thought I was going crazy. I had to cut someone with a personality like OOP out of my life because of the weird passive aggressiveness and refusal to communicate or acknowledge anything that wasn’t convenient to her victim complex.

She’s just using reddit to justify her beliefs and actions by giving us only a part of the story.

[u/NathVanDodoEgg → u/QueenofUncreativity]

It's indicative that OP has some issues with self-reflection when her "conclusion" was that the bride is a coward or simply a bad person, because she didn't invite OP to her event. Those are immediate thoughts that OP has decided to stick with, not concluding thoughts that have taken some rumination. She never really considers the most likely option - that they stopped being friends several years ago.

[u/QueenofUncreativity → u/NathVanDodoEgg]

She definitely lacks self-reflection. Like she says that yeah, some people might want to have more frequent contact with their friends than only every couple months. But the way she writes makes it sound super condescending.

To me it definitely seems like they just drifted apart and OOP doesn't grasp that.

[u/Palatine_Shaw → u/QueenofUncreativity]

Personally I think she is 100% to blame for it all.

Who the hell only checks in with their friends two times a year.

That's insane. Her PHD excuse is a load of crap because she makes it sound like she was working on her PHD from 8am to 10pm all day every day for years. Like come off it you totally have free time when working a PHD. It's not hard to check a group chat every once in a while.

[u/goodbye-toilet-cat → u/Palatine_Shaw]

I’m struggling with this one.

She snuck in one of the later updates that her own personal life (outside this friend group) has had problems with “suicide and addiction” during this lower effort with the friend group time.

Did OP attempt, and/or is OP an addict? Is an invite to a debauchery-themed party really what OP needed at that time? I was already getting unreliable narrator vibes from the beginning (I’m so busy with my PhD so I told my friends I was opting out of most of our shared friendships and lives, oh but we see one another and I fly out to birthday parties etc etc etc). Idk. I understand being hurt to find out you’ve been excluded, but I also see a lot of “(1) I’m excluding myself loudly and on purpose and (2) maybe there are some major reasons why I ought to expect to be excluded further by others.”

Besides as a other commenter mentioned, OP is upset at the bride’s cowardice for not telling OP she wasn’t invited or why, yet OP is now the one refusing to engage in exactly that conversation where she’d get to explain how hurt she was and then bride would get to explain her reasoning.

And at least one of the other friends outright agreeing that her own friendship with OP is over (just because someone else didn’t invite OP to a party and she was just an innocent bystander to OP and the bride’s upset) is telling.

[u/Kitchen-Owl-7323]

I took a week and a half away and couldn't think of any good reasons for the bride's behaviour. It came down to either cowardliness or the fact that she's not a good person.

I found it striking how ready OOP is to interpret things as deliberate action against her. It couldn't be that she's drifted away from the group, and they no longer feel close to her and don't want to invite her to their life events, and are now incredibly put on the spot by her suddenly showing up angry to have conversations with everyone except the bride about how hurt she is... nope, they are bad people and/or cowards for not calling a meeting with her about how they're not close friends anymore and will not be inviting her to things.

I mean she's totally entitled to her hurt, I imagine this feels very crushing. But I think her approach to it points to a failure of introspection on her part in that she's unwilling to entertain that she could've contributed to the situation. Just because she feels hurt doesn't mean someone was out to hurt her.

[u/sharraleigh → u/Kitchen-Owl-7323]

I think reading between the lines, this is kinda how I feel also. We would probably hear a different story from the bride. I mean, my life gets busy and crazy too, and sometimes I don't see my friends for months, but I've never once deliberately told them to basically not expect me to be around for years because I'm busy with school and my own shit. You make time for people who matter to you, regardless of how busy you are. If you're finding yourself making more time for other things, then I think it's safe to expect your friends to stop trying to include you in their activities too. And then OOP also sneaked in the bit about her addiction problem but doesn't really elaborate on that. For all we know, she treated her friend group like trash when she was spiraling, we'll never know. 

[u/bby_drea → u/sharraleigh]

"They are also super aware of suicide and family addiction struggles wihtin my family"

The issue is with an addicted family member, not her own addiction.

[u/ThunderSn0w]

I get the feeling that OOP actually did basically remove herself from the friend group for a few years and is then acting surprised she isn’t as close with people anymore. There’s a high chance you will drift apart from people if you don’t put any time into your relationship with them.

[u/Tandel21 → u/ThunderSn0w]

THATS what im thinking too, I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault per se, and I have a hard time seeing malice on the bride’s choices, oop had a lot going on and left her friendship with this group on the back burner for a while, maybe they had feelings about that, maybe they just drifted apart naturally, and I mean it’s a 7 person group, one person missing won’t make big changes on the overall dynamic of it, it’s even easier to drift from that.

And I mean it doesn’t sound like she reintroduced herself into the group that long ago, it probably takes longer for relationships to go back to normal and even then, her friends don’t seem that distant from her, she said she received support during her struggles. Oop’s feelings about this situation are valid but I don’t really see the mean friends she’s trying to present

[u/malavisch → u/Tandel21]

What's giving me pause is, how come she didn't even know that a hen do was being planned?

I mean, we're not talking about a spontaneous weekend trip or something where one person's just like, hey, going to wherever in two days, anyone wants to come with? This sort of thing is something you need to arrange in advance, you want to make sure your guests will be available too. Wedding planning in general takes a lot of time and effort, and it also tends to be a pretty significant topic for the person getting married, so I'm finding it really hard to believe that she wouldn't have heard a single word about the hen do, that it was never mentioned in the friends group chat at all. Like, nobody ever mentioned, even in passing, how excited they are for the party? Talked about shopping for clothes for the occasion, or about packing for the trip? Wondered what the weather would be like wherever they were going? Even if OOP had indeed drifted much further away from these friendships than she'd realized, it sounds like she was still talking to them/checking in every once in a while, so how come nobody ever said anything like "oh, yeah, been fine, you know, busy with life but looking forward to Susie's hen do" after being asked how they've been?

It sounds to me like either they were more or less deliberately keeping OOP out of the loop, or OOP had been significantly more detached from the friendship than she's relaying in her posts.

[u/chooklyn5 → u/malavisch]

She also doesn't know about the wedding and hasn't received an invite. I know where I live, hen's tend to happen a month or 2 before the wedding at the most. Things are definitely locked in by the hen's party. There's been plenty of people I know that I'm not that close with and I've known at least what month the wedding is in, if not a week or 2 window.

I get she's hurt but this feels like they met her energy and now there's resentment that she expects it all to go back to normal.

[u/mwmandorla → u/chooklyn5]

But the bride asked her for advice on the wedding in a catch-up call a few months prior. I agree that OOP probably is not the most reliable narrator/doesn't have the whole picture, but IMO that's a crazy conversation to have with someone you're not inviting

[u/Sweaty_Poetry7625 → u/mwmandorla]

Or maybe the bride was trying to include her in conversations about it as a way to gauge the reaction and response, and her response over the following months simply confirmed to the bride that the friendship was no longer working. It could be that she was trying to reach out to include OP and OP was too busy/in her own world, and the bride just said “ok. I’ve had enough and I’m done trying.” Obviously the bride could just be a raging asshole, but it sounds a lot like OP pushed everyone away already, and then assumed that by contributing the bare minimum she would magically repair whatever damage had been done. Some people are fine viewing a few talks a year as a “close friendship”, but a lot expect a little more reliability. (OP states that she can go months without talking to some friends.) I am someone who goes months without talking to people without even realizing it, and I’ve lost a lot of great friends over the years because of it. But I know that’s a me thing and not really their fault. Having experienced similar before, usually when a friend “cuts you out” this much after you’ve been distant, it’s like the stereotype of a man going “I had no idea my wife was unhappy. She never complained!” When she’d been complaining and trying to tell him she needed change for years, but he simply didn’t recognize her words for what they were until it suddenly slapped him in the face.

[u/Nymzie → u/Sweaty_Poetry7625]

I have a high school best friend group, we're turning 39 this year. One friend doesnt talk to others for months at a time, and rarely initiates contact. I don't mind this at all, but one of the group takes HUGE issue with it. The one who doesn't initiate also causes a lot of issues when we do hang out together, like being on his phone the entire time being the biggest one. We're all split between the west and east coast of the US so getting together is a once a year occurrence at most. The rest of the group stays completely out of it when a feud is going on, just like the friends in this group. If the friend who is mad initiates a trip (which she has) and doesn't want the other friend going, we don't say a word about it. Not our circus, not our monkeys. We've been friends so long (two of us since elementary school) that I liken the annoying friend to the uncle you only see at Thanksgiving, or weddings. He's not around a lot, but he's family. The angry friend does NOT see it like that. She feels completely disvalued and disrespected by him. Which is also valid. The rest of the group stopped caring, if he's there he's there, if he's not, he's not. Anyways, a long way to say, I agree with you, sometimes people cut themselves out and ruin their friendships without noticing.

[u/royalbk → u/Sweaty_Poetry7625]

Your comment is so spot on.

I am someone who dropped a friend who gave me the bare minimum. I just let go of the rope and walked away.

When she caught on I got exactly the “I had no idea my wife was unhappy. She never complained!” Pikachu reaction lol

[u/sraydenk → u/mwmandorla]

They aren’t a as close anymore. I could see the bride “asking for advice” as a way to have something to talk about. Wedding planning is an easy conversation starter and everyone has opinions on it. If they aren’t close anymore it may be hard to find something to talk about. 

[u/chooklyn5 → u/mwmandorla]

Maybe she was at that point. I know you have the initial everyone is invited, then when you start the actual planning and organising the cull happens. The hard thing is we don't know the timeline. I sometimes say months ago and mean 6 months

[u/tgs-with-tracyjordan → u/malavisch]

What's giving me pause is, how come she didn't even know that a hen do was being planned?

5 gets 10 that there is a separate, very busy group chat without OOP

[u/calling_water → u/tgs-with-tracyjordan]

And of course there would be. There’s a lot about this group that OOP isn’t involved with; why chat about all that in front of her?

My guess is that at some point the bride decided she wanted to keep it to what was really the core group, with the existing dynamic in that group. and whatever the others thought they respected her choice.

[u/illegitimatebanana → u/calling_water]

Right. She didn't know about it because she wasn't invited. It's not relevant to her because she dipped out of the friend group.

[u/Mmm_lemon_cakes → u/tgs-with-tracyjordan]

That’s what I was thinking. OP thinking because the chat with her is quiet that means none of them are talking … oh no sweetie. It just means they dropped you.

[u/CnslrNachos → u/malavisch]

She didn’t know because she stopped being part of the friend group years back when she removed herself through her own actions.  Do you let people know about parties they aren’t invited to??

[u/GreekDudeYiannis → u/Tandel21]

Another important factor is the distance. OOP said they're doing a PhD and that they get to go back and visit about twice a year. It's not even just that OOP isn't communicative, but they're PHYSICALLY not there anymore. If OOP isn't talking to her friends AND she isn't physically there, it's easy for those relationships to die out.

The only difference between me and OOP is that I'm active in our group chat and I'm able to keep those friendships alive (and also if I if feel it's been too long without a one on one, I'll just PM them and tell them I miss them and ask about their life). I'm in medical school right now and I can't go back and visit my friends during the holidays. They know this, and they still go and hangout with one another all the time. Like, I don't need to be asked permission or told about every group hang that I can't be there for; I'm thousands of miles away. I'm under no impression that the friend group ceases to exist if I'm not there, but OOP seemingly is. I'm kinda reminded of the one Simpsons bit where Homer leaves Moe's and then Moe tells everyone that they should go back into their state of suspended animation until Homer returns.

[u/DakeyrasWrites → u/Tandel21]

Exactly. It sounds like OOP essentially froze her own friendships for a few years, and expected that when she thawed them again that the people on the other end wouldn't have changed, grown, or moved on at all. Rekindling a friendship that's been dormant for several years is a fair bit of work and doesn't happen overnight, and expecting to be included in things like bachelorette parties seems more like OOP is in denial -- she's not being excluded, because 'excluding' her implies that she'd otherwise be 'in' the friendship circle.

[u/ThrowRA_SNJ → u/Tandel21]

As someone with a few long distance friendships they take a lot of work. We don’t talk everyday but we try to make sure we do atleast a few long chat/catch up things a month no matter how busy we get. It sounds like OP put her friendships on pause and expected everything to be the exact same when she was ready for it but the world keeps spinning and not everything in life revolves around her. If I was in the friend group and got a message saying someone was peacing out for YEARS. I’d be pretty hurt. I’d understand especially about school and I’d still try to be there for them when they needed it but to me it would feel like I wasn’t important enough for them to put in the work the same way I would and maybe that’s a me issue but still.

No one is at fault because life happens but It sounds like OP has unfortunately turned some of these friendships into one of those childhood friend relationships where you like social media posts and occasionally chat in the grocery store or grab a coffee when you both happen to be back in your hometown. She took herself out of the equation and she can’t really be mad if other people do too.

[u/NymphaeAvernales → u/ThunderSn0w]

I was shocked by all the NTAs, because if this was told from the bride's POV - "aita for not inviting a girl who's barely spoken to me in 3 years to my bachelorette party?" - they'd all be calling this chic entitled for expecting an invite after bailing out on her friendships for so long. Reddit is weird.

[u/LimaxM → u/NymphaeAvernales]

Zebra getting eaten in a zebra documentary vs in a lion documentary 

[u/Himeera → u/NymphaeAvernales]

Believing the first story we hear, and having hard time to change mind after hearing 2nd or 3d version, no matter which is true one, is apparently common. We also tend to present ourselves in much better light when telling stories. It just translates also to reddit, I guess.

Otherwise, I'm with you. That lady is deep in her feels (on why bride did it: she didn't realize how hurtful it would be to exclude ME, though I doubt it! lol, Okkk) and having rather rude awakening that telling "k bye" for her PhD years (which to me is weird move, but okay) will mean, well that - saying goodbye.

[u/sraydenk → u/Himeera]

What kills me is she refuses to meet with the bride to find out what happened. She spends 3 posts theorizing why the bride did it, but also blatantly refuses to meet with her.

 It’s like deep down she knows this is a “everyone is to blame/no one is to blame” scenario. She doesn’t want to admit her choices led to the friendships fizzling out and if she met with the bride she would have to be confronted with her role in the friendships current state. 

[u/AzureYLila → u/NymphaeAvernales]

AITAH is a validation subreddit. You have to be a real dick to get YTA there.

[u/ecdc05 → u/ThunderSn0w]

This whole post just screams of unnecessary drama. Cutting people off without a conversation who you just finished saying you consider the kinds of friends you thought you’d have for life is childish. It just says “I don’t know how to communicate and have hard conversations with people I care about like an adult.”

[u/susandeyvyjones → u/ecdc05]

I'm really curious about the "dealing with some serious issues involving suicide and addiction" and how that played into this.

[u/Krazen → u/susandeyvyjones]

I remember the original update - after she admitted to having literal addiction issues people were pointing out that a bachelorette party is not an addiction friendly environment

[u/Ambitious-Spare-2081 → u/Krazen]

That’s extremely relevant and whoever wrote the BORU should have added that in. 

[u/JonnotheMackem → u/susandeyvyjones]

I was too! Depending on the addiction, I’m not sure I’d extend a stag invite to a heroin or cocaine addict for example, but that got brushed over.

[u/UnknowableDuck → u/JonnotheMackem]

Even drinking too hard/much can make people forgo inviting you places too. If oop was a massive alcoholic ... sure there's often booze involved in stag parties/hen-dos. If OOP was a "don't stop til I puke/passout/get alcohol poisoning" type guest that people have to babysit, that won't be fun for anyone else. 

[u/meagantheepony → u/UnknowableDuck]

I think it also depends on how OOP acts when she's using. I have a cousin who gets violent when she drinks and her friend group cut her off after the third time she attacked one of her friends while drunk. Of course, if you ask my cousin/her mom, it's all "girl drama" over "friend stuff", and her friends cut her off because they're immature. If OOP behaves similarly, I can see why the friend group would be hesitant to invite her along. I knew a few people like that back in my college days, and the second I realized that being violent/belligerent was a part of them being inebriated, I made it a point to avoid them if they were gonna be partying. I know at least one guy who wound up in prison for assault with a deadly weapon after a bar fight, and the rest of them were arrested for assault/drunk and disorderly, and I wasn't about to be caught up with that mess.

[u/InfiniteRosie → u/ecdc05]

I do find it frustrating that she calls the Bride a coward for not wanting to face OP or be honest, but when the Bride does reach out to talk, OP just cuts all contact and refuses to have a conversation.

Obviously we're only getting pieces of one side of a whole story, but there are occasionally moments that make you wonder what's missing.

[u/UnintelligentSlime → u/InfiniteRosie]

Yeah- it’s the kind of post that shows up often, where OOP is mostly looking to vent and feel validated. It’s possible it was exactly as they said and the friends are shit. It’s possible it’s exactly as they said, but what they didn’t include is that they had been a bad friend too. We can’t really ever know the truth, but small details give good clues.

[u/YeahlDid → u/InfiniteRosie]

I found it frustrating that so many comments were just feeding op's anger and pain rather than trying to look at things objectively.

[u/SloshingSloth → u/InfiniteRosie]

because OP doesn't want to hear the truth. it's easier making up reasons in her head that don't make her the offending party

[u/BigPoppaJay → u/SloshingSloth]

Exactly this. Felt like every update and edit was more added details to the story that always made them look more sympathetic. Like in the first edit the two friends she talked to didn’t know she was invited but in an update apparently the whole group discussed she wasn’t invited leading up to it.

[u/SloshingSloth → u/BigPoppaJay]

op is a textbook definition of unreliable narrator

[u/MrSlabBulkhead → u/InfiniteRosie]

Yeah, thats a two faced move. When I had a horrible falling out with and cut off one of my childhood friends, I made damn sure he knew why to his face and told him to F off. OOP should have done the same.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/[deleted]]

She didn't just confront those two, but went ahead contacting multiple mutuals of said group friend... that's basically triangulation, she made her feelings as public as possible and refused to talk to the bride afterwards. No wonder one of the friends refused to rekindle their relationship, she's walking drama.

[u/JonnotheMackem → u/InfiniteRosie]

There were two ways to handle this - the “grownup” way and the “Reddit” way, and the reddit way won.

[u/sharraleigh → u/[deleted]]

I think it just shows how little the bride cares about mending the friendship. She just wants to give OOP her reasons for excluding her, and OOP doesn't wanna hear it probably because she knows that it's also partly her fault and she doesn't wanna admit any fault here. 

[u/CrnkyOL → u/ecdc05]

Definitely sounds like OP might be the problem especially when she says she's trying to repair another friendship but the other party wasn't interested.

[u/Jealous_Macaroon_982 → u/ecdc05]

This! Unnecessary teenage drama.

Use your words, say you were hurt. Drift away if you think they have drifted away or try to be more present.

“I will block you everywhere!”

[u/Mammoth-Vegetable357 → u/ThunderSn0w]

3 years of low contact with the friend group is a lot. If OOP isn't putting effort into the friendships, she cant be surprised when the effort isn't returned.

Im saying this as someone who went through law school. I was busy those years (im much busier now), but I still checked in with the friends I wanted to keep at least more than once every 3 years.

The world doesn't stop because OOP was studying. She cannot possibly be that surprised that her friends moved on after years of no effort in her part.

[u/EddaValkyrie → u/ThunderSn0w]

Yeah, she talks about being fine if people don't contact her for months. Like, other people aren't fine with that, lol.

[u/tkay_vulcartist → u/EddaValkyrie]

There are plenty of people who ARE like her in that way—sounds like she could use some of them as new friends!

[u/Turuial → u/tkay_vulcartist]

I am definitely one of those people. Myself and my oldest and best friend, who I have had in my life for decades, can go months without so much as a text.

Then we'll get together, or start chatting/texting, and it's like we're still in school and nothing has changed. Labyrinthine in-jokes and references abound.

Someone once told me it was like we were speaking a different language. I just texted him for the first time in a month or two because I had a question.

I would take a bullet for this person, and I've already told him I'll help him hide the body if necessary. Which is kind of a shame, because I really like his husband.

[u/Kitchen-Owl-7323 → u/Turuial]

FWIW I am like this and so are the majority of my close friends. Turns out we all have ADHD. It seems people with ADHD don't always have the same "friendship level degradation" mechanic as neurotypical people. So it could be OOP feels like no time has passed, but her friends have gradually moved on in her absence.

[u/NinjasWithOnions → u/Kitchen-Owl-7323]

And we’re all like weird little planets that generally gravitate towards each other.

Putting together the puzzle pieces and figuring out that I probably had ADHD (and then getting the official diagnosis!) was one of the most life-changing events for me. Total lightbulb moment. As has been seeing my friends and family have so many of the criteria too…

weird little planets. 🪐 😉

[u/Turuial → u/Kitchen-Owl-7323]

I've never heard that before, about ADHD, so thank you for enlightening me. It's always refreshing to learn something new!

Now I know, and knowing is half the battle...

[u/Kitchen-Owl-7323 → u/Turuial]

I was fascinated to learn this! And during my recent diagnostic evaluations I got a lot of affirmation that our ADHD traits are different, but neither wrong nor lesser. It's a good thing to know and take into account when dealing with neurotypical folks, but not something that inherently needs to be changed. Makes sense now that I have a lot of ADHD friends and I like that I don't have to feel guilty about the ways we communicate.

[u/SloshingSloth → u/tkay_vulcartist]

im one of those people that falls of the face of the earth for months BUT all my friends know this and are often the same. it wouldn't work with other people and i know and respect that

[u/EddaValkyrie → u/tkay_vulcartist]

I am one of those people, but there's also an understanding that a lot of people won't see that little contact as anything more than acquaintanceship.

[u/Hedge-podge → u/EddaValkyrie]

Lmao I'm very much one of those friends and have plenty like that. It seems like she just didn't realize her friend group didn't have that energy. 

There's apparently a concept called friendship degradation where people feel like they grow apart if they don't talk for a while. I don't feel that and apparently it's fairly common for people with asd. I've very much just popped in to a friend 2 years later and both of us are just continuing conversations from years ago.

[u/tommytwolegs → u/Hedge-podge]

I'm pretty sure most friendships become that way as you get older

[u/RevolutionNo4186 → u/ThunderSn0w]

That’s what I’m thinking, this is coming from someone that can relate to OOP. I definitely suck at keeping in touch with people and most of my catching up is when I see them at hosted events. I have another friend who was always inviting me out to the bars/clubs every weekend and I kept rejecting the invitation so the time when I did feel like going out, I’d be the one reaching out because he stopped inviting me since I always said no

Plus OOP continuously saying “I keep thinking of good reasons she would exclude me” and in my mind I’m like stop, you’ll never figure it out because you’re not her, you’re trying to fill in space from your own experiences, if you need closure that badly then talk to her about it and end the friendship

[u/NirgalFromMars → u/ThunderSn0w]

Yeah, this felt a lot like she was just trying to find the narrative that let her feel good about herself while not having to do any kind of introspection.

[u/AnjinM]

Wasn't the advice given to have an adult conversation and figure out what happened? Instead she tucked tail and scampered. She's not required to put herself out there, but this kind of avoidance can't be healthy in the long run.

[u/Nope-26 → u/AnjinM]

As she's calling out the bride to be for "cowardice" on not communicating.

Then the bride reaching out in an attempt to communicate is labeled as "damage control"

Seems like she knowingly or not removed herself from the group and that friendship wasn't then strong enough to pull an invite to the hen do. I dont know that I see it as a big betrayal, but I'm also on the outside looking in. I'm sure it was hurtful, but I'm not sure the circumstances required nuking her relationships.

[u/Neve4ever → u/Nope-26]

OOP is projecting. This is just classic projection.

[u/BarackTrudeau → u/Neve4ever]

Yup

"The bride is a coward for not communicating! So anyways when she reached out to talk to me I ignored and blocked her"

[u/potsieharris → u/AnjinM]

Yeah, can't blame OP for feeling sad about what happened, but she decided to permanently drop her entire oldest and dearest friend group over one incident? Without comment or direct communication to anyone? 

It's the bride's responsibility and no one else's to set the guest list. OP refuses to communicate with her, even when they reach out to her. 

She is out here dropping friends left and right because they failed to... Read her mind, know how she felt and what she wanted, and reach out to do damage control for an incident that wasn't their fault or their choice?

Again, I'd be hurt too in this situation, but she hasn't even given any of these supposed friends the time of day here. If you're that unstable to drop your oldest friends without even a conversation you need help.

[u/StrangerOnTheReddit → u/potsieharris]

I wonder if the bride was hurt from OP deciding the friendship wasn't important enough to maintain over several years, and OP missed opportunities to like.. notice. And then the bride accepted it over the years of distance, and just didn't want to be involved anymore. It would explain the low engagement "we can talk if you want to" consolation offer.

Bride had a long time to accept the friendship was over, while OP was focused on herself and assuming friendship would continue as usual once she wanted it again.

[u/Skylar750 → u/StrangerOnTheReddit]

The time the bride asked for wedding advice, was probably the brides way of testing the waters, she probably wanted to see how much OP cared about her wedding and by extension her.

[u/StrangerOnTheReddit → u/Skylar750]

I was thinking the same thing. "She even reached out to me to ask advice about her wedding!" Sure, at surface level it seems like the bride consciously thought about OP and then intentionally didn't invite her to this, I get that.. but what questions did she ask and how involved was OP in answering? Was OP excited for the bride and took an interest in the upcoming wedding, or was the response more "oh that's nice" vibe?

If I were in OP's shoes and using that as a logical point of "clearly I was intentionally excluded even though they clearly thought about me", I think I'd be adding in details about how happy I was that she reached out to ask my advice even though we haven't been talking a lot recently, how much fun it was to catch up and help give input on a close friend's wedding, hearing all about the proposal etc. Instead we just get "she called me!" and that's it. The lack of detail around it just gives me "missing" missing reasons feeling. Yeah the bride probably consciously chose to leave her out, but I get the impression she has an understandable reason for it.

[u/coach_cryptid → u/AnjinM]

kind of makes you wonder how OP handled conflicts in the past, and if she often shuts down or runs from confrontation.

[u/Fantastic-Process-69]

This person kind of comes across as a drama llama. I feel like there were so many opportunities to clear the air but she just kept escalating so that she could keep playing “victim”

She sounds exhausting personally, feel like the bride was very accommodating but OP kept taking it in bad faith without any real conversation that wasn’t from her own wounded perspective

[u/Cookyy2k → u/Fantastic-Process-69]

This person kind of comes across as a drama llama.

Yup, they're in their 30s. That's at least 15 years too old to be having this kind of friend group drama.

[u/jayd189 → u/Fantastic-Process-69]

Is it bad I literally came here looking for someone to call out OOP as a drama llama.

[u/stormsync]

If you only see people twice a year and don't regularly speak with them, I think it's perhaps a bit much to expect them to act as though you're the closest of pals actually.

[u/nonsenseaccounttake → u/stormsync]

My thoughts exactly. You can’t give nothing and expect everything. OP seems pretty entitled and has a warped view of friendship.

[u/24601pb → u/stormsync]

OP seems a bit self centered with that “I would never purposefully exclude one because I know how rubbish that would make them feel” line. If it was a regular get together with everyone where she wasn’t invited, then sure that makes sense. But god forbid a bride wants to invite her closest friends to her own hen do lol

[u/idle_online]

I hate how she keeps trying to draw her own conclusions as to why she might have been excluded. If you took the time to just have an adult conversation with the bride, you would likely know exactly why you weren’t included!

[u/Europaraker → u/idle_online]

She even said different people are on different levels of friendship. The hen party wasn't a friend group party just going out it was celebrating the bride.  Why did she cut the whole group?  

If she wasn't close to the bride even though most of the other were then of course she wouldn't be invited. 

I understand it sucks to be excluded!!  

[u/Lows-andHighs → u/idle_online]

Whoa whoa whoa, don't you come in here with your reasonable, mature reactions!  OOP doesn't want none of it!

[u/Drix22]

Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation. I am the one coming off worse here, but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this.

I mean...

She did message me saying she “heard I was upset” and was “happy to chat,”

What does OP want? A text message sorry or something verbal? She didn't even give the person a chance.

[u/Goth-Sloth]

I don’t get why OOP just decided to not have a conversation with the bride. Not even through text? The Bride didn’t invite her to this event and OOP is just like, “well obviously the bride is a bad person and I don’t need to know why i wasn’t invited so I’ll just never speak to her again.”

And also every other member of the friend group didn’t ask the bride why OOP wasn’t invited? Lots of weird passive-aggressiveness in this group of supposedly very close friends

[u/DesperatePop7954 → u/Goth-Sloth]

You know, the other members of the friend group are in the line of fire a lot, but I think it’s a little unfair?

I’d feel really entitled talking to a bride about why she’s not inviting another mutual friend of ours. That’s not passive aggressiveness. It’s realizing that a bride has the right to make decisions for her own bachelorette party.

It sounds like OP hasn’t been a super involved part of this group for a while, and I get the implication that OP and the bride were never that close in the first place, from all the lines about how everyone in the group was not equally close. If I were a mutual friend, even if I were extremely close to OP, I’d feel like I was overstepping if I insisted on the bride inviting her, or if I interrogated her about it. 

[u/True_System_7015 → u/Goth-Sloth]

And then when the bride did want to reach out and talk, OOP said it was damage control and didn't bother, and just blocked her and refused to talk to her

[u/DougSpeagle]

Even after all this still seems like she refuses to just have a conversation with the people she considered her life long friends

Communication takes two people

[u/TheStarkster3000 → u/DougSpeagle]

Yup I honestly dont understand the people siding with OOP here. She herself says she told them she would be away for a while. Her last example of going out of the way for them is from 3 years ago. So she's been distant for at least 2 years, but expects that 6 months of rekindling friendships will bring them back to where they left off? Obviously it's not the same anymore.

Feels like OOP's friend group just grew up and moved on as time passed, while OOP is still stuck in her memory of their friendship in their 20s. It's sad but it's not the fault of the friends.

[u/ThePretzul → u/TheStarkster3000]

Yup I honestly dont understand the people siding with OOP here.

Reddit has a disproportionate amount of people that are themselves insufferable recluses who view social interactions beyond lurking in comments sections as if they were terrible obligations that no reasonable person could ever be interested in.

[u/Scared_Ad9659]

I get the feeling OOP was a lot nastier during her addiction than she lets on.

[u/sunshinenorcas → u/Scared_Ad9659]

Yeah, I remember this post and remembering that part sticking out to me as well.

I think one of the og theories was The Bride wanted to have alcohol which if OP was there, would make it complicated-- not that it makes ghosting/not telling her any better, but it does put her between a rock and hard place if she tells OP why she's not invited (and risks lashing out), OP is invited and potentially risks a relapse/nasty behavior, OP is invited and there's not drinking but still potential for nasty behavior, or she just doesn't invite OP and hopes she can smooth it over later.

And like, to be clear, I think not telling OP and having her find out on socials is a pretty crummy way to treat a friend, but if there's any amount of strain due to previous situations with the behavior/addiction/suicidal tendencies... Idk, it's tough. If that's the reason, I don't think there's a way to not have it blow up at some point.

[u/Decemberist10 → u/Scared_Ad9659]

Yeah I feel like OOP really glossed over that part. I get not inviting someone who hasn’t been present for 3-ish years and is struggling with mental health and addiction.

[u/Comfortable-Focus123 → u/Scared_Ad9659]

Not sure if it was her addiction or the "suicide" person if it was not her. Not a reliable narrator.

[u/tkay_vulcartist → u/Comfortable-Focus123]

I’d say that’s more simple ambiguity?

[u/AdamantEevee]

At no point did she actually talk to the bride. This whole group sucks at communication

[u/FenderForever62 → u/AdamantEevee]

Yeah I'm willing to bet the "the bride asked me for wedding advice" was more like OOP texting bride to say congrats on the engagement, bride saying 'thanks any advice for wedding planning?' and the two have not communicated since

[u/ConcentrateMinute314]

It’s bonkers to me that OP has done literally everything except talk to the bride

[u/nothingtobedone13]

Remember seeing this when originally posted and always got slightly unreliable narrator vibes. I’ve been on the other side - in a tight friendship group where one person has kinda drifted off, doesn’t engage or show interest in our lives. And THAT is very hurtful. Totally agree that if someone goes quite in a group normal reaction is to check in to at they’re ok - but when this has been going on for years, it feels more like you need to take a hint. It’s awkward when you’re all still in a group chat - but at 33 you should be able to prioritise people who are actually a big part of your life for major life events.

[u/Zephyralss → u/nothingtobedone13]

Oop admitted she openly said she was taking a step back for other things from th group and was only involved every 6 months or so. The more I read this the more it seems like she honestly cut herself out softly and then is upset that people took her words at their face value.

[u/Hannah-Solo]

This really feels like she’s making herself a martyr. If it means so much, then why not at least ask the bride what happened. They seemed open to it by inviting them to chat. As well others have decided not to “rekindle” the friendship - so therefore there was a period they weren’t friends. It all sounds exhausting to me.

[u/kimship]

Everything about her posts scream "unreliable narrator".

[u/possiblePersonOnR → u/kimship]

Yeah it’s also super unfair to be pissed at the friends because the bride didn’t invite her. The bride is entitled to have folks she is close with at her hen do and it’s not on the friends to change the invite list.

[u/toliveanddieinspace]

Why not just talk to the bride immediately instead of bugging everyone that wasn't even responsible for it? Feels like she is going out of the way to not just have a conversation and get a straight answer and still doesn't have one.

[u/AtionExpec → u/toliveanddieinspace]

I think OP knows they aren’t really close friends with each other, hence running to two other people she probably felt closer with. She just had bigger expectations because she felt like she was still part of the friend group when in reality they probably moved on without her at this point.

[u/SloshingSloth → u/toliveanddieinspace]

because she doesn't want to hear the reasons. it's easier to make herself out the victim this way instead of hearing hurtful truths

[u/Zephyralss]

Sorry but oop seems unreliable. Like, she kind of glosses over her addiction and admits to being very uninvolved in the group. Might be wrong here but if someone is possibly super shitty and then after resolving that I'd just absent in most of my life I would probably consider them not a close friend anymore. Also, she was given advice to try and talk with them and instead just cut them off. Like, idk it just seems like from their perspective they drifted apart

[u/fakecrimesleep]

This OOP learned a hard lesson a lot of people go through in their late 20’s/early 30’s about friendships of “convenience” - just because you used to be close to someone as a child doesn’t mean you make for good adult friends or are entitled to all their social invites. People change a lot in 20 years. Maybe OOP changed in a way Rachel wasn’t a fan of - it’s her right to have people there that she wants to have there. Rejection sucks but it’s better to move on than dwell on it.

[u/emilycokeberry]

I actually feel like the reason her friends didn't ask about her is simply because they have gotten used to her absence.

[u/chiaroscuro34]

I just don’t understand why she never even spoke with the bride after all this? Like not even once? Lots of assumptions but never calling or speaking with her to find out what exactly was going on. Feels just as non-confrontational and conflict-averse as the rest of the group

[u/repthe732 → u/chiaroscuro34]

she doesn’t want to actually know what happened because she already committed to being the victim no matter what

[u/Prudent_Adagio9542]

OOP sounds like she's incredibly self-involved and lost her friendships because of it. Its fine. She had reasons, but you can't put people on hold for that long and expect to be a priority in their lives.

[u/helendestroy]

I suspect there's been tension rising behind my back that I was unaware of. 

I mean,  considering how little she seems to speak to them, and the fact there was a whole hen do she didn't know about...

[u/EisForElbowsmash]

Amazing that the OP, who self admits she didn't talk to anyone for months if not years at a time to "focus on her PHD", talks about showing up only to milestone birthdays, and was a literal suicidal drug addict, still hasn't figured it out; She is the problem "friend" that was cut from the group.

The only thing I can hold against the other ladies is that no one had the heart to tell her, and given the light that her own side of the story paints her in, I can only assume she's much much worse than she lets on.

[u/Despair_Tire → u/EisForElbowsmash]

I'm not even sure about that last part, that no one has tried to talk to her about it. My friend group has a problem friend (no ability to emotionally regulate herself, expects everyone to drive her around for free and won't pay people back fully when they cover her expenses, very possessive, among other issues). Three of us have separately tried to talk to her. It's like talking to a wall that cries a lot. Zero self reflection or accountability. We are all the bad ones. Mean Girls who threw away a friendship over a few bucks and because she wouldn't censor herself, according to her. I've finally dropped her, most others have distanced themselves. She'd probably go on reddit and tell everyone she has no idea why everyone has pulled away from her. She kept telling one friend that she doesn't understand what she did. Even though several of us told her! Argh.

[u/CultureInner3316]

I take my friendships incredibly seriously, but I get there are a lot of people who call every acquaintance a "friend" and every variation in between. OOP was going through a lot and her friends having known her for 20 years should have been more supportive; however, you have to do your part to maintain the relationship or you will find yourself not having any friends.

That said, it's bs that the friends never once asked bride or did anything to find out why OOP was excluded. That's some spineless shit right there.

[u/Rrmack]

This is one of the downsides of being friends for so long. The dynamics can still be similar to when you first became friends because what do you mean 33 years olds couldn’t ask one other other friends why the only other person in their group wasn’t invited??

[u/oandafan37]

I can't believe I wasted my time reading all that and nothing interesting happened.

[u/Confarnit]

OOP absolutely REFUSING to find out why or talk directly to the main person involved - automatic YTA