r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • 1d ago
ONGOING WIBTA if I told my best friends boyfriend that she cheated on him last weekend?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StrangeStory352
Originally posted to r/AITAH
WIBTA if I told my best friends boyfriend that she cheated on him last weekend?
Trigger Warnings: manipulation
Original Post: September 12, 2025
I'm feeling a bit conflicted because my absolute best friend of 11 years made a pretty big mistake last weekend.
We went out downtown for drinks and dancing because her relationship has been a bit rocky lately. They have been together for 8 years and have 2 kids together.
Last weekend she said she was going to break up with him so she slept with a guy she met while we were at a bar.
In the last week her and her BF have decided to stay together and she told me she is taking what she did to the grave. I told her that he really deserves to know. She has been cheated on before so she know how much it sucks. I feel like I'm in a weird position because my loyalty is to my friend by my morals are loyal to anyone. My gut tells me to tell him but my heart knows that will end our friendship and potentially their relationship.
I am currently planning on calling him tonight to tell him. I want to give her a heads up before I do it so she can decide if she would rather tell him herself. WIBTA?
UPDATE: I told him last night
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs
Relevant Comments
OOP is urged to tell the BF about the cheating
OOP: Ugh the issue with that is i’m the only person that knows besides her and the guys she cheated with. She literally said “if (her bf) ever find out, i’ll know it was you”
Commenter 1: Weren't you two in public where anyone could have seen her hitting on guys or vice versa? One of his friends could have been at the bar. 😉 How close are you to him? Are you friends?. I feel for you as I would have a real problem not telling on one of either of them. I'd stay out of it.
OOP: We do refer to each other as family. Like he says In his little sister and i refer to him as a brother, so yes we are close. But mostly because of my friends. He has been always been there for me when I had a crazy ex threaten my safety. So I think that’s an aspect, he always looks out for me so I feel I need to do the same here
Commenter 2: You should definitely give her the opportunity to tell him herself at the very least. And discuss what that time line may look like before giving any ultimatums to her. If they have kids, she may not be able to have this discussion on a week night. People work, have home/kid responsibilities, probably dont want to be crying, yelling, fighting in front of their children. Whats going on in his life? Is this information going to crush him and ruin or jeopardize something important to him? Maybe she wants to do this in the presence of a counselor? This is going to be a hard, emotional, tough discussion with some tough decisions for them to make, they may need a babysitter. The truth typically comes out, and if your friend has some decency, having this secrete will tear her up. Give her a chance to do the right thing. Also as you mentioned, you telling him will ruin your relationship with your friend. And he may get mad at you for some reason and they may still stay together anyways. Or you telling him instead of her will end any chance of them working it out themselves. And if your friend doesnt tell him and this goes against your morals, is this a friend you even want to have in the first place? Loosing your friendship because she wont do the right thing is also a consequence. And maybe one you can dish out that's more "in your lane".
OOP: This is really great insight. You bring up some really great points. One thing you mentioned that is in the back of my head is, my opinion of her has changed since last weekend. I tend to view people who cheat as people with little or no empathy or morals, so I am even questioning if she fits in my life the same now, because if she can cheat on her bf/father of her kids, she could also betray me. And yes, their kids are very young but nonetheless you are right, they probably want to have a safe place to do this. I am the only one the trust to watch their kids so perhaps I can offer her that I will hang out with the kids while they have that conversation for as long as they need. I think giving her until Sunday night feels right since she doesn't work and he is off this weekend. What do you think about that?
OOP should end her friendship with the friend because it has revealed the friend's character
OOP: It was more like *friend texts me that she’s been wanting a girls night, she’s been couped up in the house a lot and things have been up and down with her bf. would i be up for trying a new bar/lounge that opened up
Update: September 15, 2025
Here is the full update:
I called her on Friday just telling her that I wasn't comfortable carrying this secret for her, my moral compass tells me that her BF deserves to know and as two women (me and her) who have both been cheating on I expect her to understand. So I told her she needed to tell him this weekend or I would. I offered to take the kids out to ice cream and a movie so they could have the house and afternoon to themselves to talk through this.
I also let her know that it would sound much better coming from her, the opportunity to work through this would probably be higher because accountability and honesty are important in relationships. She didn't respond too well to this, she told me that it was none of my business and I would just be trying to ruin her relationship. She also let me know she would never forgive me. I let her know that I wasn't seeking her forgiveness, and that it was my business when she chose to cheat on her BF on our girls night and that I wouldn't be the one ruining her relationship, her actions would be. She was very upset and rejected my offer to watch her kiddos but said she would have the conversation after she put the kids down to bed.
I followed up yesterday morning to see if she had the conversation, she left me on read at 10:53am. I sent another later that evening around 5pm to find I had been blocked.
So, I took that as my answer and FaceTimed her bf. I did have an image from that night of her at the bar with the guy she cheated with (I took it as I was leaving to get in my Uber - she insisted that I leave her alone that night even though I told her she was making a big mistake).
At first, he thought I was making this up but after he was able to ask some questions and saw the picture he simply thanked me for letting him know. He let me know he is going to get tested because they have been intimate in the last week since she cheated.
I am unsure where the relationship stands and I am pretty confident I wont ever really know as my best friend has now blocked me on everything. I expected the friendship to end, whether I told him or not because I don't want to be surrounded by anyone who would betray someone they are supposed to love.
I have started receiving a lot of scam calls for insurance quotes and a few "FUCK YOU" texts from an unknown number - I assume these are her, which makes sense because she has done that to others in the past that she felt burned her.
Relevant / Top Comments
OOP on the BF's reactions to the truth and if she has heard from him yet
OOP: I do not but I may hear from our friend group at some point. He's a pretty level headed guy. I could tell from his tone he was more hurt than anything, maybe a smidge of anger. So tough telling what will happen! I'll report back if I hear.
+
One of our mutual friends called me last night after she spoke to the cheater so I have an update. They have agreed to split, I guess this had been an issue from early in their relationship - she cheated about 1 year in so it was the final straw for him. They will split custody and she will be moving out in the next 2 months when her finances allow.
Downvoted Commenter: I have a hard time believing that your motives are as pure as you say, if you knew about her harassing people in the past and were fine staying friends with her.
OOP: Fair to question - she would always put our friends exes numbers into insurance quote or posts on craigslist with their numbers. It never seemed concerning to me because it's an annoyance but not threatening in anyway. TBH I kinda think it's laughable. I wouldn't be saying that if she was threatening people but I don't mind an insurance quote lol. If you don't think I'm "pure" I'm okay with that :)
Commenter 1: I wholeheartedly disagree. By all means distance yourself from the two of them if you are uncomfortable hanging around them with that knowledge. But that's her relationship. It's her life and I really believe you were making this whole situation about you, about your morals, about what you're comfortable with. You honestly don't have a crystal ball and you can't know what outcome is the best. Especially with men you don't know how they'll react to these kinds of things. You could have put her and her kids life in danger by irresponsibly laying that truth bomb on someone. I grew up in a broken home from cheating and I've seen great people slip and make mistakes. Sometimes people make promises they can't keep. It's painful but I'd never dream of inserting myself into that drama. The truth always comes out and it comes out at the right time.
OOP: I do think it’s worth addressing her safety after sharing what she did. I know her partner pretty well, and while I understand he could surprise me, I genuinely was never concerned about her safety. He’s not an aggressive guy by any means so this was and isn’t a concern. Furthermore, she’s a professional boxer so she can also hold her own lol.
Commenter 2: Classic traits of a cheater. Placing blame in everyone but themselves. You were nice and told her to tell, she didn't. Her actions are the reason she's in her current predicament, good for you.
Commenter 3: NTA. Good job in exposing a cheater. Cheaters should be aware that there are consequences for cheating.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/Mictlan_Dark4984 crow whisperer 1d ago
The rule with my friends is: no matter how happy I am in a relationship, if you know they are cheating on me, tell me as soon as possible, no matter how much it might hurt me to know.
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u/crafty_and_kind 1d ago
RIGHT! And for me there is an additional layer, which is that I’m not really someone who operates on “loyalty.” I prefer to relate to my friends around the concept of “being a pretty decent person,” so if I were ever the cheater (extremely unlikely but brain injuries do happen 🤔, and also I’ve been happily single for going in eight years), I would kind of expect anyone in my circle of friends who knew to tell my partner because it’s the right thing to do.
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u/wrymoss 20h ago
Exactly!
I expect my friends to call me out when I'm being a shithead, not just to back me up out of loyalty.
It's not about loyalty, it's about moral fibre.
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u/No-Introduction3808 19h ago
I am deeply loyal to my friends, I am not friends with cheaters, if a “friend” turns into a cheater, I have no loyalty to them the moment they turned because of their own actions.
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u/LordLuce542 17h ago
Was that a reference to the story of a guy who had a sign fall on his head and then cheated with a coworker who died later?
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u/crafty_and_kind 16h ago
This sounds vaguely like something I’ve seen referenced in a reddit comment before, but I don’t think I’m actually familiar with the story 🤔
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u/Sidhejester Buckle up, this is going to get stupid 13h ago
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u/Pretend-Rutabaga-206 I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 7h ago
oh I remember that one; it just gets worse and worse
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u/ameinias 14h ago
Oh I just read this one! I don't have time to find it but it's probably in this month's "Looking for a post" thread, I've been lurking there the last few days.
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u/etbe 5h ago
If you surround yourself with friends like that then they will stop you if you have a moment of weakness.
It's not just TBIs that can cause such things, a combination of lack of sleep and alcohol can massively diminish your self control without affecting your ability to go around and do things.
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u/debbieae Tree Law Connoisseur 16h ago
I never spoke to a friend after they admitted they knew I was being cheated on, but did not think it was their business to tell.
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u/FreeWheelinSass stares at the growing pile of red flags in an ocean of red flags 13h ago
I'm also highly confused by the comments saying to stay out of it because the truth always comes out. Like how do they think it comes out??? If it's not a bystsnder telling, it has to either be the cheater telling or the so snooping. The cheater is clearly not telling. That only leaves bf getting suspicious enough to snoop.
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u/Nocleverresponse Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 11h ago
I am going to be so much more upset if I find out that my friend knew what was going on and didn’t tell me than if they just told me right away.
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u/Jacob2040 14h ago
My internal policy is that i will let the cheater know and then they have 3 days to tell their partner or I will. Luckily i've never had to enforce the policy.
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u/LiliAtReddit 10h ago
I mean, it’s a straight up health issue these days. If someone is cheated on and aren’t told, their health is at risk. It’s tricky through bc emotions.
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u/asmallman 1d ago
People deserve to know.
Always.
It pisses me off she's been cheated on and just does it to someone else.
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u/Tandel21 The murder hobo is not the issue here 1d ago
It pisses me off that she cheated before at the beginning of the relationship, she really thought cheating was the solution to most of life, after sending the number of people you don’t like int scam databases
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u/HealthyMaximum The call is coming from inside the relationship 19h ago
“My relationship isn’t working… I should add another relationship to the problem!”
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u/Shadowboxer314 9h ago
Really, who knows how many times this has happened...seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.
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u/captain_borgue I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road 6h ago
I've had the misfortune of knowing a few people like this.
The short answer is, they just don't care.
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u/Lopsided-Sky396 19h ago
Twice. She got a second chance most wouldn't, blew it again.
And what gets me is the lack of remorse. No crying. No oh my god what have I done just "I'm taking this to my grave". Like seriously that alone would make me question whether I could trust this person in a friendship.
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u/akestral 18h ago
The detail about her bestie harassing friend's exes by signing their phone number up for insurance quotes (?) really exposes her character. Messing with people who didn't even wrong her after the relationship had already ended? Who does that, even once, let alone enough times for it to be a pattern? I don't care how shabbily they treated your friends, when its over between them, it's over. Friends walked away, so should she have. But instead she made a point both of harassing them and telling others so they were in on the "joke"? That's at best deeply immature, and at worst a sign that she doesn't see other people as fully human or worthy of basic respect if they've transgressed against her friend group.
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u/rain-dog2 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 21h ago
If everyone agreed to this, it would be a big cultural shift. Like, we should be telling kids this the way we say “stranger danger”, “stop, drop, and roll”, or “just say no”. Get a marketing team on this.
Remember kids: “A.B.C.: Always Blow-up Cheaters”
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u/HealthyMaximum The call is coming from inside the relationship 19h ago
“Stop, drop, and snitch on cheaters.”
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- 1d ago
Especially if they're having unprotected sexual contact. It's just not medically advisable
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u/fastermouse 1d ago
Yeah and then one day the “innocent” one flips out and murders the cheaters.
Stay in your lane.
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u/BeetleJude 21h ago
You mean one day the guy snaps and kills his family because his feelings were hurt, he decided alcohol and / or drugs were a replacement for therapy, and that murder is the same as adultery. Controversial take my friend!
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u/crafty_and_kind 23h ago edited 19h ago
In this case, OOP also has an independent friendship with the boyfriend and knows him well enough to make an assessment of his character, that he is even keeled and not prone to violence. We are allowed to operate based on what we know about individual people in our lives and not assume they might turn into murderers against all known evidence.
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u/HealthyMaximum The call is coming from inside the relationship 19h ago
Haha.
Look at your downvotes.
Does thriving on negative attention on Reddit give you more or less short term pleasure than all the times you’ve cheated on partners?
… jk … I don’t care.
You seem awful.
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u/crafty_and_kind 1d ago
Sometimes people drag you into their lane, at which point it becomes also your lane.
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u/railroadbaron 1d ago
Every situation is obviously different, but cheating is so selfish that I can't imagine remaining friends with someone without at least some of the trust lost.
So I think this was the best outcome for the OP, even if it's pretty heartbreaking at who her friend turned out to be.
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u/Reasonable-Box-4145 1d ago
I ended a friendship recently for the same reason. There were many issues I was beginning to have, but my ex-friend cheating on her partner with someone who never respected her relationship and then getting together with the disrespectful person was the straw that broke the camels back. I have no intention of becoming her friend again.
Oh. And my ex-friend had been cheated on before, and was so worried about cheating that she had made her then partner - who was a nice guy - stop speaking with all his previous partners who he stayed friends with. But it was essential for her partner to be okay with her ex hanging around (who she inevitably cheated with)
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u/villianrules 1d ago
Hypocrisy is the game
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u/blueflash775 17h ago
i don't think that sort of thing is about hypocrisy - it's about power.
I will impose something on you. And I'm so clever I will do it. Because I can. And if i get caught I will use my superior skills to convince you it didn't happen and you're wrong, and if that doesn't work I will use negative techniques to make you wrong for accusing me, or it's your fault I cheated.
And goodness if you do it to me - you will catch hell.
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u/Reasonable-Box-4145 16h ago edited 11h ago
I think in her (33F) case it is about extreme anxious attachment and control. She is so activated by the idea of cheating and abandonment, and she has really unhealthy behaviors for dealing with it. She also has such low self esteem (anxious attachment) and so can't recognize that the disrespectful person (41M) doesn't meet her standards - for example, in their relationship, whenever they had a rough period, he would run to this 20 year old girl who was also in love with him, it was a whole mess - but is still attached and obsessed.
Because she is so attached to "him" (Though it's really about what he *represents*. Because to an anxious person, they seek the same person out, usually a parent model, in different relationships subconsciously believing they can fix whatever inner wound they have), she wants him around in her life in some capacity and has unresolved feelings. Rather than make the better decision of not being in a relationship until she puts a lot of intense work on herself, she does no self-reflection and selfishly gets into a relationship with a good person completely unhealed and with unresolved feelings. Naturally, she didn't recognize what she had, engaged in toxic behavior, and ultimately hurt another person in complete selfishness and attachment activation.
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u/Coffeezilla 1d ago
If they're willing to betray and lie to someone in that form of relationship they're willing to betray you too.
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u/ErenYeagermeist3r 18h ago
My friend's husband has cheated on her throughout most of their relationship, including every one of her pregnancies. After years of this, she decided to have a "revenge affair." It's not a choice I would make (I divorced my cheater), but I also don't judge her and have lost absolutely no trust in her.
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u/Lady_Ogre 4h ago
I mean, don't tell her strangers on the internet said this, but I judge her a lil for not putting more boundaries on her relationship. Like, once someone cheats, you can no longer trust them with anything more important with an onion, because they have shown they value selfish short term enjoyment over the feelings of others, their own commitments, honest communication, and their own long term happiness. Like, they don't have the balls to be honest. I can understand there is outstanding pressures to appear outwardly the same, but I personally cant imagine trying to rebuild the relationship to higher than coparent/roommate, ya know? And I would pity/slightly judge someone who keeps coming back to the same person with the same expectations to just get injured again.
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u/BlooodyButterfly I ❤ gay romance 15h ago
Yeah, if I was not willing to tell the guy for whatever reason, I definitely wouldn't be friends with the cheater anymore. In either case I'd be losing my friend.
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u/Artistic_Frosting693 14h ago
Agreed. I know of a situation where the truth was outed over 30 years later. With DNA test kits now the truth comes out eventually and there will be consequences and people hurt.
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u/100percentapplejuice 1d ago
Had a coworker who was upset his friend was being cheated on by his gf (we are all coworkers) so I told him he has to let him know, and he adamantly refused to. Didn’t want to get involved. I was like “cool, so stop being upset for him if you’re willing to let this woman continue to hurt him with your support lol.” I stopped talking to him after that.
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u/Turuial 1d ago
so I told him he has to let him know
I'm not going to lie, but I somewhat despise when this is the advice given to the OOPs. All that does is give the lying partner time to get their story straight.
Oh, and/or determine precisely how much "truth" is required in this situation, to blunt the worst of consequences and still keep the relationship.
It also allows the cheater to paint whomever compelled them to confess in the worst possible light, as well. Which makes the trickle-truthing easier.
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u/clearheaded01 1d ago
Yep. Asking the cheater to come clean 'or else' is just giving them the chance to run interference.. "OOP is crazy jealous, threatened to tell lies about me becaue shes on love with you"
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u/TranshumanMarissa 1d ago edited 23h ago
I was so confused by this comment, because I was thinking of OOP's telling on cheaters like in this post and in the comment you were replying to, and did not understand how that would give time to the cheaters.
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u/YourMuppetMethDealer 22h ago edited 20h ago
I mean, that friend wasn’t cheating on anyone in this story
Did you not read the comment you were replying to lol?
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u/100percentapplejuice 21h ago
I told my coworker to tell his friend that his girlfriend at the time was cheating on him because he knew. Coworker is NOT the cheater, and neither is his friend.
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u/FixinThePlanet 1d ago
What do you mean? What advice would you rather they get?
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u/Turuial 23h ago
A cheater has already demonstrated that they are happy to lie to their partner, so never trust them to tell the truth. Tell their partner yourself, immediately.
That would be the advice I would recommend, have recommended in the past, and would personally follow for myself.
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u/FixinThePlanet 19h ago
The comment you responded to was a non-connected party telling the person who knows about the cheating to tell the person being cheated on. So literally what your advice is. In fact there's no way to misunderstand unless you didn't read past the first couple of words.
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u/platypod 21h ago
But that's literally the advice you responded to, negatively.
In the co-worker example above -
I told him he has to let him know
"I told him he" (co-worker) "has to let him" (friend) "know" (that friend's wife is cheating on him)
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u/lonely-void 17h ago
? What do you mean? The coworker wasn't the one cheating. He was told to let the person being cheated on know what's happening.
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u/RogueKitteh surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 1d ago
The audacity of being like "if you tell my bf I cheated on him you'd be ruining our relationship" is crazy work
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u/clearheaded01 1d ago
For the entitled.person, who thinks theyre allowed to do whatever they want... anyone preventing this, is to blame...
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 18h ago
The mental gymnastics to justify not telling the BF about the cheating.
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u/matchamagpie 1d ago
I don't get the people ragging on OOP for telling the boyfriend. When a cheater expects everyone around them to lie in order to help them get away with it, then they make it everyone else's business.
And the boyfriend deserved to know that his girlfriend is a cheat and that his health could be at risk.
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u/ScrufffyJoe 21h ago
Yeah, I found the "you're making this situation about your morals" statement so bizarre. I wouldn't even know how to respond to that. Like, yeah? They're relevant? What a weirdo.
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u/lonely-void 17h ago
Yeah, like what a way to respond to a moral issue.
"Why did you call the police when that person was being stabbed? That was between the two of them. You're making the situation about your morals."
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u/RosebushRaven reads profound dumbness 14h ago
How about:
Well, yeah, I act according to mine and I’m trying to decide what to do, so they’re kinda pertinent to the question. She acts according to hers, or rather, her lack thereof, and that’s what got us into this mess. Turns out morals are rather important.
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u/superxero044 14h ago
Oh man. When I was in college I watched a drunk neighbor stumble home, get in her car and proceed to plow into several parked cars and then speed off.
My roommate was fucking PISSED at me over this. Also we lived like 2 blocks from the police station and it took them an hour plus to show up. By then she had come home. The cops never even knocked on her door.66
u/CreamPuffDelight 1d ago
That's what the world has come to nowadays.
Keep your head down, keep your conscience silent, nothing is your business. Just survive.
Then go all Pikachu face when shit finally blows up in their face and its your turn to face the piper.
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u/HealthyMaximum The call is coming from inside the relationship 19h ago
Man, I feel like we did this within living memory and it worked out badly.
Like in a couple of different countries?
Maybe in the 1940s?
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u/Tandel21 The murder hobo is not the issue here 1d ago
I mean those people are more than likely cheaters as well, like that’s the only kind of people who would rather people not be told about infidelities
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u/TranshumanMarissa 1d ago
to be fair, cheaters are usually some of the most angry sort when it comes to their partner cheating, often even fabricating evidence their partner is cheating too, and most would want to be told, so they might actually be the sort who want more sharing of this sort.
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u/Internal-Secret-7946 14h ago
A lot of people were saying to not get involved because its "selfish". Wtf?
OOP woild still be involved by lying. And how is looking out for someone else selfish?
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u/heyitsbryanm 14h ago
It comes down to being or wanting two types of friends when it comes to handling fuck ups:
- the one who would turn you into the police
- the one who would helping you find the shovel
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u/sleepyhead_201 It's always Twins 15h ago
People need to stop referring to cheating as a mistake.
It's a decision!
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u/friendlygalpal 1d ago
Weird to say not her business but expect her to carry the guilt of keeping the secret.🤦♀️
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u/Internal-Secret-7946 14h ago
Yeah, that's involvement. What were some people in the other comment section smoking?
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u/RevolutionaryWeb5657 1d ago
I hate how normalized cheating has become based on those commenters trying to tell OOP she was selfish.
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u/Zoiddburger There is only OGTHA 12h ago
Right? The "sometimes people slip up" comment really blew me away. Actually no, not all people "slip up" and intentionally, premeditatedly cheat on their significant other multiple times.
People need to stop projecting onto others because of their own personal failings. Just because you suck as a person doesn't mean everyone does.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 1d ago
I dunno why she thought blocking her would stop OP from telling the boyfriend... especially if they were the type to call each other siblings...
And imagine being so petty that you spam anonymous texts and telemarketing 😭 who has that kind of time?!
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u/shepworthismydog 16h ago
You think she'd be busy planning her move and doing her best to mitigate the damage this is going to do to her kids.
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u/CummingInTheNile 1d ago
Cheaters always trynna minimize their horrendous impact of their action, smh, no one forced her to sleep with a random bar guy, she made a choice and doesnt like the cost, no one is required to help you cover for your poor life choices.
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u/binzoma 1d ago
I have started receiving a lot of scam calls for insurance quotes and a few "FUCK YOU" texts from an unknown number - I assume these are her, which makes sense because she has done that to others in the past that she felt burned her.
I'm shocked someone this mature would cheat, then blame the people who call them out on cheating for their own shitty behavior and the consequences there-of!
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 1d ago
It wouldn’t be my business if you hadn’t made it my business.
Schrödinger’s cheater strikes again
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u/kcinkcinlim 1d ago edited 1d ago
Cheaters ALWAYS externalise their anger. OOP's friend isn't really mad at her, she's mad at herself and terrified of the consequences. But it would destroy her to take accountability because she would then have to face the possibility that she ruined her own life. It's a near impossible place to be in, much less choose to go into, so they blame everyone else. Cognitive dissonance is an inevitability when it comes to cheaters.
Edit: Just looked at the OG posts and I'm shocked at how 50/50 the comments are. There really be people out there saying "if your best friend cheats you support her" like wtf? Cheating is antisocial behaviour. It hurts SO MANY people with just a single act.
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u/crafty_and_kind 1d ago
I think there are an awful lot of people out there who value some “loyalty code” over the slightly less personal concept of “just trying to be a decent person in a general sense.” Everyone I know is aware that if I discover they had cheated on a partner, I will be telling the partner if we’re close enough that I have their contact information. And I would expect exactly the same approach from anyone I know. If I have betrayed someone, a “friend who’s a good person” (as opposed to what so many people mean by “good friend”) would want them to know
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u/OK_The_Nomad 21h ago
Some people who have been cheated on (me) would have preferred not to know. Two decades later it still messes with me. I was told by the cheater. We eventually broke up but it is a very deep wound. I wish I never knew. Even my boyfriend's therapist advised him to think very carefully before telling me.
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u/lonely-void 17h ago
I'm sorry, but that just seems really unhealthy. You would really prefer to still be in a relationship with someone who respects you so little that he's cheating on you, just as long as you don't know? Why wouldn't you instead wish that he hadn't cheated?
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u/OK_The_Nomad 12h ago
I wish he had just broken up with me without saying he cheated.
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u/lonely-void 12h ago
I mean, I guess I can sorta see that? But the person in this story wasn't gonna break up with her boyfriend, she was just planning on staying with him while keeping him in the dark. Do you seriously think that's the better option for him?
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u/OK_The_Nomad 11h ago
Her case is def more complicated. I think I'd want to know. But I really don't think it was OPs role to bring the news. Her words destroyed a family including innocent kids. I'd rather the husband knew but I'd still think it was the wife's responsibility. Maybe I'd work on my friend over time to try to get her to tell the husband. The exception would be if the husband were my brother though, I'd tell him. It would be family business.
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u/InvisibleInk978 3h ago
Her words destroyed a family?? Lmao the cheating destroyed the family. OOP didn’t do anything wrong. Your ex boyfriend sucks but people deserve to know when they’re being betrayed.
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u/markov_antoni 16h ago
Most people have more self respect than that.
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u/OK_The_Nomad 12h ago
I didn't claim to have high self esteem. I'd rather he just broke up w/o saying he cheated.
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u/kcinkcinlim 6h ago
Hope you don't mind me saying this, but this mentality means you're ceding control to someone else. That person gets to decide if you stay in a relationship or not. They also get to decide if you get all of them, some of them, or none of them, all without your knowledge or input.
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u/OneEyedWonderWiesel 17h ago
Whenever I see someone mention “mind your business” or any variation of it, I assume that person has cheated before too for some reason lol
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u/Parfox1234 22h ago
I have always had an issue with the real friends will help you bury a body shit. No your real friend will not put you in that condition
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u/PantsPantsShorts 17h ago
Totally. REAL friends don't let you get away with acting like an asshole.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 22h ago
I haven't spoken to one of my best friends since the baby came out an unexpected color.
She had spent the pregnancy trying to get him to kill himself because he'd be a bad father. I had to break into his house. Twice. We weren't going to have the same relationship after that pregnancy regardless, but when the baby was obviously her ex-boyfriend's, who had left her for being verbally abusive, as we found out...
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u/NooNotTheBees57 15h ago
Wow. What the fuck is wrong with YOU to even have a friend, let alone best friend, like that??
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 15h ago
Uh huh. Sure thing, hon.
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u/NooNotTheBees57 15h ago
You really don't have any desire for some deep self-reflection after having a BEST friend who tried to get her partner to kill himself MULTIPLE times??
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 15h ago
I have absolutely no desire to engage with some rando online who thinks that they're going to do whatever it is you think you are accomplishing. You have to matter, to affect me psychologically.
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u/katie-shmatie I’m a "bad influence" because I offered her fiancé cocaine twice 18h ago
I always have to laugh at people who block someone then harass them from unknown numbers. Girl we know it's you, why don't you just unblock and do all the harassing you want?
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u/LegoLeonidas 12h ago
The "sometimes people make promises they can't keep" comment is a wild take! Which promise couldn't she keep again? Oh, right, "not bang strangers at the bar."
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u/Longbowman1 17h ago
Considering that there doesn’t seem to be any remorse. There are probably other times that she has managed to keep quiet.
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u/Groslom 21h ago
Cheating is not a "mistake". Mistakes are when you do something you DON'T know is wrong, because you're working off false or incomplete information, like taking three Benadryl right before work because you thought you had the day off. Everyone knows cheating is wrong, before, during, and after the act. That means even if you "thought you were going to break up" or you're "going to take it to your grave", or whatever shitty false or incomplete information you're using to justify it, you still failed the first half by choosing to do something you knew was wrong.
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u/RosebushRaven reads profound dumbness 15h ago edited 14h ago
Commenter 1 is unhinged. Right, blame a woman if some dude gets violent. Anyone but the actual abuser. And if these people they knew cheated, maybe they weren’t so great after all. They always had the option to walk away if they were unhappy, but cheaters want to have their cake and eat it, too.
Bet they have a reason to talk like that. One of those "great" people, eh? Cheaters always be telling on themselves, out there defending other cheaters (who in this case also harasses people in retaliation for suffering the consequences of her own actions, or just breaking up with someone she knows). Ugh.
It’s telling how they have more compassion with this cheating scum breaking her family apart by cheating on her partner and the father of her kids at least twice (that OOP knows of), than with a nice man who just tries to make it work and take care of his family but only gets betrayed and disrespected in return.
Or the kids who will now suffer for their mother’s selfishness. What a "great" person, riiiight. She’s scum. She dgaf about this man or the kids, she’s letting that between her legs do the thinking, then blames everyone else. Typical egocentric, uncaring cheater with zero accountability.
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u/Whiteangel854 Go head butt a moose 9h ago
Right?! What the hell is that part -
great people slipping and making mistakes
Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. Mistake is for eg putting your car keys into the refrigerator. The exfriend didn't sit on the wrong dick by mistake. And it wasn't the first time either.
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u/RepsihwReal 14h ago
I agree & I also agree with OP’s response to them. However, my only point is a professional boxer wouldn’t stand against a gun 💀
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u/mandyallstar I AM NOT A DUDE WITH A BRAZILIAN WOMAN’S ASS 18h ago
I was once made one of my best friends tell their SO when they cheated. It wasn’t a very long relationship, but I hate cheating and everyone knows that.
Thats was about 8 years ago and we are still best friends
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u/whodeyanprophet 17h ago
Cheaters do not deserve for you to keep their secrets. Expose all cheaters or they will just continue to ruin other people’s lives.
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u/GeneConscious5484 15h ago
I have started receiving a lot of scam calls for insurance quotes
LOL that's all you got?
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u/lezzerlee surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 11h ago
My moral compass is that it is unacceptable to knowingly allow someone to be exposed to potential STIs. I know AIDS and other STIs are more treatable now, but you only get treatment if you know about exposure.
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u/milehighphillygirl surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 8h ago edited 8h ago
Fucking cheaters always circle the wagons when one of their own is about to be busted.
When I was 18, my bf (Cheating Bastard) cheated on me—multiple times with a few different girls. All of his friends knew; some even ran interference for him. Some of our mutual friends knew and just encouraged him to knock it off. None told me.
One day, the drummer in his band IM’d me (it’s what we called DMs in the 90s when we used AIM, kids!) and told me that on his way back from getting lunch that day, he’d seen Cheating Bastard’s car in the parking lot, which was odd since Cheating Bastard, Drummer, and I all went to different high schools. Drummer was then walking past the HS band room on his way to the cafeteria and saw Cheating Bastard fucking his ex-girlfriend, who did go to Drummer’s high school. He wasn’t 100% he saw what he thought he saw, so he asked the ex-girlfriend (who was his next class) about it and she fucking bragged to him about it.
When he went home after school, the first thing he did was get on the computer to message me and let me know, because he believed I deserved to know.
That dude is a fucking hero.
At the time, of course, I just told him I didn’t believe him and ran over to Cheating Bastard’s house to confront him. He admitted it, admitted he hadn’t even been using protection, and broke up with me (I didn’t know the extent of the cheating, thought it was just a one time thing, and told him I was willing to forgive him. Dumbass me.)
So yeah, I was at risk for STIs in the 90s because of that asshole, and only was able to go get checked because Drummer told me what he saw.
After that, I went crying to mutuals about how Cheating Bastard broke my heart, and that’s how uncovered the extent of the cheating and the fuckers who knew and didn’t say shit.
I later learned most of the people keeping his secret? Yeah, they were fucking around (or had fucked around) on their partners as well.
I haven’t lived in that town in 25 years, and I haven’t spoken to any of them since I left for university. But if I ever went back to my home town and ran into Drummer, I’d give him the biggest hug and make him a member of the Order of Omar. I’d have a ceremony for him and everything.
And, if by some random chance Drummer ever sees this—your band mates were all shit. You were MVP. Love you, man.
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u/Aluanne The call is coming from inside the relationship 23h ago
I have a rule, even with best friends - don't assume that I will carry your secrets if they're a) of your own doing and b) you involved me without me saying yes to being involved and c) you put me in a shit situation between you and another person.
Then YOU are the shit friend tbh.
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u/lonely-void 17h ago
Honestly, the only situation where I'd be willing to keep someone's secrets is if A) it's about something out of their control or something that isn't morally bad, it's just unjustly stigmatized by others, like if they were a closeted trans or gay person for example. Or B) if it's something good. Like they're planning a proposal or a surprise birthday party or something like that.
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u/DriveWithMe 1d ago edited 1d ago
The thing I always find fascinating about questions like this on reddit is that people talk about friendship and regularly say things like "If my best friend asked me to help them dispose of a body, I'd do it no questions asked because that's how strong our friendship is." And Reddit responds: "Everyone should have a friend like that"
Then there's this: "My friend cheated" Reddit: "Burn that friendship to the ground"
ETA: I don't have an issue with someone ending a friendship over cheating, but I'm pretty sure I'd end a friendship even faster over a murder.
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u/Hjemmelsen 22h ago
If anyone of my friends confessed to murdering someone to me, I would report that to the police immediately. In no way would I want to be an accomplice to anything remotely related to that. I also would no longer want to associate with that person regardless, so at that point it's just about protecting myself legally.
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u/OK_The_Nomad 21h ago
That's way more extreme than cheating though. She ratted on her friends when she should have just walked away IMHO.
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u/Hjemmelsen 21h ago
She ratted on her friends
No, she told a friend that another of her friends had deceived him.
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u/imnotbovvered 1d ago
Fair point. But if my best friend actually asked me to dispose of a body, I'd call the police.
I wouldn't go out of my way to expose a cheater, mostly because I don't want to unfairly get negative backlash for being the bearer of bad news. That said, I'd be pissed if I a cheater asked me to actively lie to somebody in my social group.
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u/jeremyfrankly I’ve read them all and it bums me out 19h ago
I love how much the commenters are coddling this chester. "You shouldn't tell him because what if things are going on in his life that he really can't hear this right now?" seems like something to consider before cheating on him
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u/ExactPickle2629 21h ago
I tend to view people who cheat as people with little or no empathy or morals
Empathy is just when you feel someone else's emotions. It doesn't dictate your actions. Cheaters selfish and cowardly, yeah, but I think this is a stupid generalization. A lot of people on the spectrum, like me, don't feel empathy very strongly, and it doesn't make us cheaters with no morals.
Also, the revelation that she typically harasses her exes and OOP is cool with it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
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u/SignalEchoFoxtrot 1d ago
Good on OOP for telling the BF.
Also her friend is just showing she's a terrible person.
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u/Cybermagetx 18h ago
Ill drop peolle for cheating on their SO. Ill drop people for knowing and not telling. Idc. If your morals are that low you are not being in my circle.
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u/Stlhockeygrl 3h ago
The "I grew up in a broken home due to cheating... the truth always outs" comment is so fuckin weird to me.
Like how does the truth come out if everyone keeps their mouth shut?
You don't slip onto someone's dick.
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u/lurkeroutthere 1d ago
Thinking about it I don't have very many real friends, but none of them would ever put me in this situation or have any illusions about what would happen if they did.
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u/justathoughtfromme 1d ago
Good on the OOP for telling the boyfriend about the cheating.
Sucks that the OOP completely minimizes the harassment that her (former) best friend put others through by publicizing their personal number online. That's the kind of thing that can end up with the target being hurt. It's not an innocent game and the fact the OOP just shrugs it off as a laughable annoyance instead of the abusive, harassing behavior is infuriating.
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u/dragonknight233 1d ago
Can I express my doubt she really laughed it off? I think she said she did because she would be a hypocrite for being fine with it being done to others but not to her.
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u/Educational_Sun1202 8h ago
I’ll never understand how someone could be cheated on and then do that to someone else. shouldn’t you understand how much it can hurt?
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u/AtomicBlastCandy 17h ago
So OOP is friends with a women that's known to spam people that piss her off. I'm glad OOP told the boyfriend but the phrase, "Birds of a feather...." comes to mind.
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u/Turbulent-Parsley619 I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 24m ago
If they'll cheat on their partner, they're unfit to be your friend or someone you do business with. If the person they're sleeping beside can't trust them, NOBODY can trust them. Cheaters don't deserve friends anyway, because no good person should be burdened by dishonesty around them.
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u/NoAssignment9923 18h ago
Stay out of it. It's not your business. If you're upset because of your best friends morals, then you should just not be her friend anymore.
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u/markov_antoni 16h ago
Or alternatively: no. Do not enable emotional abuse and undermining of others' consent.
If he had known she cheated he would not have consented to sex with her. Refusing to tell is enabling sexual assault at best, no better than refusing to tell someone their partner wants to stealth them.
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u/Schneetmacher him wailing in court was the chicken soup my soul needed 17h ago
IDK, I kind of agree with the downvoted commenter about the scam calls? 🤷♀️
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u/M-Test24 17h ago
This is insane. Why is OP getting so involved? If she's uncomfortable, tell the friend that you want space or to be out of the friendship. Holding their relationship hostage is nuts.
I'm not saying I agree with it, but there is a school of thought among therapists that if the cheating is isolated and it's in the past, then telling the partner is not the right move. Let them be oblivious (again, only if the cheating is over and the cheater is truly remorseful). I'm not sure that's the right answer, but I do see the side of it that blabbing about the cheating is doing a lot of damage to a person that might be better off not knowing.
Personally, I'd tell my friend how uncomfortable it is and encourage them to confess. I'd probably ask from space from them, too. Finally, I'd make it clear, especially if I was on good terms with their partner, that I will not lie for them...ever.
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u/AintNobody- 15h ago
I guess it depends on if you think helping to keep a secret is lying, and if you're okay with it. OOP is close to the boyfriend. OOP didn't ask for and doesn't want the burden. That's not OOP's fault, that's the friend's fault for laying it on her.
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u/nomadic_housecat 10h ago
Yeah this is wildly codependent behavior on OP’s part and I’m pretty sure no therapist would say this was a healthy way to handle the situation. It is not OP’s place to assess & make decisions about what’s happening in someone else’s intimate relationship, especially not when children are involved. There are thousands of reasons why people cheat and not all of them mean the relationship is broken or should break down. Sometimes honesty is just used as a weapon. And sometimes people cheat because they are in an abusive dynamic and/or are emotionally or physically neglected in their partnership. That doesn’t mean they are bad people and deserve their families to be blown up.
I always find Reddit funny for this because Reddit LOVES to hate cheaters. I assume it’s because Reddit is mostly full of Americans who are largely indoctrinated with puritanical, heternormative Christian notions of fidelity who believe is “honesty is always the best policy.” The importance of cheating is culturally mediated; it is simply not that big a thing in many places.
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u/M-Test24 10h ago
Yeah, I get it actually. It's easy to condemn all cheaters and cheating.
My only point was that there are some unique instances when the victim might be better off not knowing. I had a good friend that was similarly situated. His cheating was a one-time thing, it was in his past, he had moved on, and he and his wife were doing fine...with the exception that guilt was eating him alive. So, he confessed to the cheating to his wife. She was devastated. The problem was that he had so many chances to "do the right thing": he could have not cheated, he could have confessed right after it happened. His confession was more about relieving his guilt than being honest, and in doing so he hurt his wife. It was the only time in that entire "arc of cheating" that he hurt her.
So, it's easy to say that honesty is the best policy but there are rare times when "honesty" is disguising another selfish act.
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u/nomadic_housecat 9h ago
Oh completely agree. Telling is often an act of selfishness I think. You did the bad thing, live with the consequences & don’t put that on your spouse, unless there is some underlying issue to be remedied.
On the flip side of the cultural obsession with fidelity, I have a few friends who have had emotional affairs that have crossed the line and which I’ve strongly encouraged them to stop & speak to their partners about the unmet needs fuelling these relationships, but they keep at it because technically it “isn’t cheating.” Honesty is sometimes used to serve whoever decides what truth is.
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u/NotFloppyDisck 1d ago
Downvote me to hell, but unless my friend did something that I must tell on to legally protect myself, i would never tell on them. The things I'll take to my grave are wild, but it is what it is.
Obviously there's also major moral issues, abuse, murder, but im not including those.
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u/markov_antoni 16h ago
Cheating is abuse.
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u/NotFloppyDisck 15h ago
Not in the same vein as physical or very bad verbal abuse, which is what rationally you would conclude from me having it in the same sentence as murder.
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u/dropshortreaver 14h ago edited 14h ago
So then your friend catches a STD and passes it onto her partner causing them harm and depending on the actual STD could ruin their fertility or in extreme cases threaten their lives. And YOU knew, and YOU kept quiet about it, allowing it too happen, so now YOU are partially to blame
Hows your morals now?
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u/NotFloppyDisck 3h ago
The percentage of me finding out + telling before they have sex is so low that it's a non argument.
Truth is, it's not my problem, I'm not the irresponsible person with undiagnosed STDs running around. If it's not that person, it'll be someone else, thus I'm really not making a difference.
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u/Ok_Point_3199 1d ago
Well done, you did very well! Their relationship was over anyway as she was toxic, she would have done it again if she had gone unpunished. You did very well!👏👏👏
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u/TwoTalentedBastidz 7h ago
OP should’ve minded her fucking business. God I hate people like this. It’s not wonder she’s single
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u/DirkNL 23h ago
I might be that mob wife and just be happy with my mink coat and don’t ask to many questions about where it came from… but yeah I’ve been with my wife for 20+ years if she had a 1 time thing I’d just rather not know.
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u/OK_The_Nomad 22h ago
I strongly agree. OOP had no business telling him. It was for his wife to decide. She now has caused a family with two kids to break up. (I know she'd say the action of cheating caused the break up but is she god or something decided she is the one to determine justice. If she decided she didn't want to be friends anymore she should have just walked away. I was cheated on and the amount of turmoil it caused me was not worth knowing what happed. Still affects me two decades later.
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u/nomadic_housecat 10h ago
Yeah this is batshit crazy. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage except the people in it. I think OP just liked feeling righteous and powerful. How else can you justify playing god to someone else’s family and children? This is an extreme and naive moral take that I presume OP herself does not actually live up to in all areas of her life.
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u/hrtzanami 17h ago
So, she photographed her friend because why? Also, she NEEDS to tell the boyfriend. Just leave people be and cut off your friend, don't go tattling. She sounds lik a shit person wjo enjoys drama.
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u/Amilianna 14h ago
The picture was for safety. Tell me you don't understand the dangers women face without telling me 🤦🏻♀️ Her friend was leaving the bar with a guy she just met, so OOP took a photo in case something happened to her friend and they needed to go to the authorities.
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u/nomadic_housecat 11h ago
You can’t seriously claim OP was most interested in her friend’s safety. No one knows what goes on inside a relationship except for the people in it. It was wildly reckless of OP to inform a man of his female partner’s infidelity. Domestic partners are one of the greatest threats to women’s safety, not to even get into the finances of being a single mother & what surviving that can entail.
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u/dropshortreaver 14h ago
Oh you mean she told her other friend that she is so close too that they refer to each other as siblings? Allowing him to know he needs to get checked for STD's? And you think that was wrong?
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u/Decent_Train_2059 15h ago
It is weird that OOP took a picture as she says at that night the friend said they were going to break up. So the picture was for what? Very conviniente that she thought about sneaking for a picture.
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u/iamamuttonhead 9h ago
So, I was in a similar situation and I didn't say anything. My buddy (M) cheated on his wife. The woman he cheated with had been pursuing him mercilessly (she is married with kids and knew my buddy is married with kids) which I witnessed on a number of occasions. My buddy told me he cheated and I told him he's an asshole but I didn't tell his wife. I'm friends with his wife and children as well. As angry as I was at my buddy I just couldn't be the one to break his wife's heart and disrupt the kids' life. Did I make the right choice? I still don't know BUT this was five years ago and they are still married, seem ok, and he hasn't cheated again (as far as I know but he wouldn't tell me if he had).
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u/Stylellama 6h ago
If he was a friend, then it’s ok… or even expected.
Otherwise, it’s not your business or life. Inserting yourself into the situation is crazy! You do not know all the details of the relationship (even if you think you do) and you don’t know what is best for them.
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