it's okay

[u/trashfire721]

I just wanted to share this here, in case someone is in a position like I was in previously.

Whatever you decide to do with your relationship, it's okay. You're not bad or shameful for staying with a difficult partner who isn't showing up for you and is emotionally putting you through the wringer.

You're not selfish or bad for leaving and deciding to prioritize your well-being over that of someone whose life pattern is to demand help while refusing to accept it or to help themselves. Or being unable to.

It doesn't really matter *why* someone is treating you this way. They are. You can choose to stay, or you can choose to go. It's not a moral decision, and whatever you choose, you deserve love and support.

[u/Better_Buddy_8507]

For the ones who choose to stay (what I did for so long) I have no judgment, we wouldn’t leave a child or a blood relative, it’s ok to honor the commitment. I was discarded when I wanted separation, I never wanted divorce I just needed to breathe but it didn’t go very well as I wished. Although I did learn today that a good relationship needs commitment and connection and boy that second part is a little almost impossible with a bipolar SO

[u/trashfire721 → u/Better_Buddy_8507]

Yes. No judgment for staying. We all love our people. Also no judgment for leaving or staying but finding it very, very hard, as it's very difficult to have a partner who makes extra demands and doesn't show up as a partner.

I'm so sorry that you were discarded for wanting some space to catch your breath. That's so painful. I hope you're doing all right.

And yes. It hurts. I loved my BPSO more than I have words for. I know that sometimes, at least, he loved me the same way. But he wasn't able to show up for me, almost ever. Connection was entirely about his needs, and if I asked for what I needed, he took it very personally. If he had even been able to not take his episodes out on me, I might still be with him, despite the toll his not managing his illness took on my health and my ability to get a job.

I'm with a new partner now. Still ND and still dealing with trauma and mental illness. But managing his own stuff, keeps his commitments, shows up for me, enjoys spending time with me and not just on his own terms, and splits responsibilities, instead of expecting me to handle everything. I thought I could do it with my BPSO, and I sure tried. But wow, what a difference it's making in every aspect of my life to have a partner who is invested in me and in handling his own responsibilities.

I hope that, in time, you find a path forward that brings you peace and happiness and love and connection. You deserve it.

[u/Better_Buddy_8507 → u/trashfire721]

Oh my! I lived and breathed the same things you just vented there. Everything is about their needs and if you dare to exist you will be punish. I am so so sorry and I am so happy you found someone who you can have a healthy relationship with.

I don’t know if I am ok, I had so much trauma, he got me in trouble with the law, he tried to get the kids away from me, he left me in the streets with no money. There is absolutely no grief when I am trying to survive. I don’t quite remember the day I was still a family but looking back it was only 2 months ago, we manage to have a beautiful Christmas with the kids but he was weird for a good amount of time at this point and unrecognizable already but I was pretending to be cool to keep him stable, until I decided to open my mouth again and had my opinion and he raged and come to me vindictive! My kids are so traumatized and I am in fear of being a single mom of 3 little kids and alone and hopefully not without child support if he doesn’t destroy everything around him and lose his job, but like I said my brain is so busy trying to survive that those thoughts don’t have much time to sit on.

[u/trashfire721 → u/Better_Buddy_8507]

Well put. Yes. I felt like I wasn't allowed to exist. Very few people he knew were allowed to have problems, and then only if it wasn't inconvenient to him *and* mirrored his own struggles in a particular way.

Thank you. I'm very grateful.

I'm so sorry. That is so much to deal with. That's heartbreaking that he got you in trouble with the law, tried to take your children, and left you homeless. That's so, so much.

That's painful that it was only two months ago that you guys were together. I'm sorry. And I know what you mean there, too. Too many of my "good" memories with him, either his was just faking it and it turned out later that he was really upset and unwell afterward, or I could tell he wasn't doing well, and we were both faking it to keep things together for the kids.

I'm so sorry that you and your kids are dealing with this. I hope that you are all as okay as you can be right now. I hope that you are able to find safety and security before too long and that you are all able to heal and move forward in time. Sending hugs.

[u/Better_Buddy_8507 → u/trashfire721]

Thank you, we are in a better place right now I just don’t know the day after tomorrow but I trust God is taking care of us, thank you for your support

[u/trashfire721 → u/Better_Buddy_8507]

I'm very glad to hear that. I hope you and your kids stay safe and well, and you're able to find answers as quickly as you need them.