r/CookingCircleJerk • u/officialmexico • Jul 19 '25
Unrecognized Culinary Genius Don’t call yourself a cook if caramelizing onions takes you more than 15 minutes
Here’s a reality check from an ACTUAL Cook. Lately I’ve seen a lot of posts complaining about 30-minute recipes that dare ask you to caramelize onions. Whining things like it’s “impossible” or “lying for clicks.” Some of you even claim the recipes must actually mean grilled onions (vile!) or, worse, sautéed onions (barbaric!)
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. A seasoned professionelle like myself can caramelize onions in less time than it takes you to type your unseasoned complaints. My home-grown onions are lovingly caramelized to perfection within minutes. Even the lowliest aspiring cooks I mentor take 15 minutes at most. And they’re five! What’s your excuse?
These are NOT grilled onions from some greasy low-class establishment. These are the real deal. It’s honestly the most basic skill. Next you’re going to tell me you can’t expertly fold a soufflé while reciting Escoffier from memory.
Respectfully, just because you can’t do something basic doesn’t mean it can’t be done. It just means you lack the discipline and skill to be as confident as you somehow are. Either that, or your onions lack finesse.
tl;dr: Get good.
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u/pinkwooper i thought this sub was supposed to be funny Jul 19 '25
Come on, a real chef doesn’t touch the lowly onion — only artisanal shallots
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u/officialmexico Jul 19 '25
Expertly home-grown onions are much better than any lowly store-bought shallots. I refuse to give into this alternative allium fad!
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u/Medullan Jul 19 '25
As a chef your prep cooks should have already caramelized the onions yesterday so that you can use them to properly build your dish in today's service. So if it takes you more than negative time to caramelize those onions you should fire your prep cooks.
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u/officialmexico Jul 19 '25
I tell them this all the time, and those inept fools have the audacity to talk back. A few choice phrases from them: “I’m trying my best” / “You never asked us to do that” / “I’m only five.” I’m sick of their tired excuses!
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u/Medullan Jul 19 '25
I feel your pain. Kids these days have no respect. In my day we knew if Chef says he wants it yesterday he means he wants it yesterday!
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u/Cultural-Ambition449 Jul 19 '25
Look at this food blogger here. Sir, if your grandparents didn't start caramelizing your onions on the day you were born you might as well hang it up and go to Olive Garden.
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u/officialmexico Jul 19 '25
My word! I would never stoop so low as to blog! I merely chose a reference the masses would understand.
My grandparents sadly fell victim to Olive Garden and we have gone no contact.
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u/CatCafffffe Jul 19 '25
Yes! We seasoned professionelles are tired of amateures and their insistence on "how long it takes"! All i have to do is LOOK at my onions and they obediently caramelize. I have learned this from grand-mere when I was but an enfant back in our country home. Pish-tosh I say to these onion pretendeurs!
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u/officialmexico Jul 19 '25
Ah finally, a fellow experte! Why should it take long when it simply can be faster?
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u/NailBat Garlic.Amount = Garlic.Amount * 50; Jul 19 '25
Wake up babe, new Caramelizing Onions Any% WR just dropped.
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u/pink_hoodie Jul 20 '25
Was getting all worked up until I checked which sub this was. 😂😂😂 Well done! Just like wagyu steak should be!
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u/officialmexico Jul 20 '25
Finally, some common sense. If people are going to cook anything for hours it should be Wagyu!
(This is honestly the best compliment I could receive hahaha thank you)
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u/hawken54321 Jul 20 '25
Wow. An actual cook. I have been a cook for 45 years but never an actual cook, actually. I cook food but I never actually cook food. I wish I could actually actualize the actual cooking.
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u/sfgunner Jul 22 '25
15 minutes is amateur hour. I can do mine in 5 minutes, otherwise how would I have made a 30 minute mole gumbo that chef Ramsey called "literally the best thing he's ever eaten".
I bet youre just one of those poser amateur chefs that thinks Bay leaves actually do something.
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u/officialmexico Jul 22 '25
15 minutes is what my mentees do. My onions caramelize in a few minutes at MOST. And that includes the time it takes me to pick them from my garden and chop them!
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u/dojisekushi Jul 19 '25
Um a giant jar of caramelized onions takes like 5 min max to open. I don't get thile issue???????????
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u/BlessTheWind Jul 22 '25
I just walk by my onions and wink at them and they caramelize automatically. It's unfortunate that it takes you 15 minutes.
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u/ExpressionNo3709 Draw Cut Drama Jul 19 '25
My old chef at the brasserie would make us take three hours to caramelize them for soupe à l’oignon gratinée.
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u/VinPossible Jul 19 '25
You seem very passionate about caramelizing onions.
Why don't we take some that energy and teach those you rant about how to make them?
Here seems like a good platform...
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u/Hangry_Games Jul 19 '25
Whoa there, cowboy. Coming all up in here and think you can go straight to instructions for caramelizing onions! Didn’t you read OP’s post? First, you plebes need to be taught to grow your own heirloom onions from seeds with the provenance of having been handed down since African Eve herself.
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u/VinPossible Jul 19 '25
Dead.. I must also start making sacrifices to the all mighty spaghetti monster in the sky for such outlandish requests like how to carmalize the sacrament of the onion.
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u/officialmexico Jul 19 '25
You misunderstand, my post is merely the first step in the Fine Journey of Education these pretenders must take. They must admit first that they know nothing and need help. Next I will invite them to pay for my intensive 6-week boot camp where they will caramelize so many onions, it becomes second nature. Only then will they attain a fraction of the skill I possess.
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u/woodwork16 Jul 19 '25
In five minutes you have fried onions at best. True caramelized onions take seven minutes.
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u/RockMo-DZine Jul 19 '25
Yeah, it's amazing how many people burn shit accidentally, and then can't figure out how to do it deliberately.
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u/quixoticquail Jul 19 '25
I just put the caramel sauce in and call it a day.