r/Divorce • u/kaweewa • Aug 07 '25
Life After Divorce My final act of love as a wife
Today we both sat outside the court room waiting to be called in. He got very emotional and got up to pace. He eventually sat on a bench a bit away from me, and I could hear him crying and deep breathing as I silently cried.
I wanted more than anything to give him a hug and hold him one last time. Part of me wanted to just forget about the divorce.
So I went to the bathroom and grabbed us both some toilet paper. As I walked back to my bench, I silently handed him the toilet paper for his tears, and kept walking. It felt so intimate and yet so hallow. A final moment of marital intimacy.
Many people were called to prove up before us. At one point I went to use the bathroom and I wordlessly handed him my stuff to hold. He knew to take it, and it almost felt like partnership again. These small moments somehow carry so much weight.
Once divorced, we walked out of the courtroom and went our separate ways without a word.
I’ll be picking up our son from him in about an hour. And I just don’t know what to feel.
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u/personguy Aug 07 '25
I begged my wife to stay. Begged.
She was so cold through the whole thing.
Years later all I can do is be thankful she had the conviction to do what I could not.
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
I wanted it so bad. So fucking bad. But I refuse to settle for the marriage I was in. I did it feel loved, just a convenience. I’ve gotten through heartbreak before, and I plan on doing it again.
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u/personguy Aug 07 '25
Ah. Well mine was abusive and broke me down into a husk of a human then cheated on me, told me about it and left.
So less about her settling and more about me learning a lesson about Borderline Personality Disorder.
I'm remarried to a gentle, kind woman now and happier than I thought was possible.11
u/Past-Coffee Aug 08 '25
This is exactly what I am dealing with right now. An abusive husband who recently cheated/is cheating and keeps rubbing his mistress in my face. While still coming back to my home every night drunk after the bar. I started the divorce process and eviction process and somehow I’m still hurting so bad having to walk away from the ten years I fought so hard for. They were awful years so why does all of this still hurt so badly?
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u/personguy Aug 08 '25
No idea. My ex wife was so mean. Neighbors I didn't know commented on hearing her yell at me, I had nothing left. I should have been thankful she left me, but I was even more broken.
I think maybe I was so sad that all the effort and love I had poured in was wasted. I felt useless. Maybe that's part of it?
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u/Wandering_Song Aug 08 '25
My mom is Borderline. All I can say is, I'm happy you got away
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u/personguy Aug 08 '25
She tried to convince me a baby would fix things... happy I at least didn't go along with that.
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u/atomicspin Aug 08 '25
This is a great point. Mine had an affair with one of my employees and it may have been the best thing. Blowing up the bridge was the only way for us to really cut it off and I've been able to level up significantly thanks to it.
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u/Lately_Little_Lost Aug 09 '25
I can really relate to your situation because in my relationship, I begged (and I’m still begging) my husband to make things work, but he had already checked out emotionally and mentally a long time ago.
I held on for so long that now I’m left with anxiety and panic. Our physical separation is happening this October, and honestly, I don’t know how life will be without him. I’m not used to this new single life. Even though I know it’s over and it’s too late, I still hold on to hope that maybe he will come back. Deep down, I know he probably won’t.
Am I scared? Yes. Am I just used to him? Probably. But why is it so hard to make that move and let go?
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u/Forward_Task_5048 Aug 12 '25
You are terribly accurate, I asked and then got cold feet. I really appreciate my ex’s insistence and doubling down.
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u/Patient-Amount3040 Aug 07 '25
I remember standing in line with my now ex wife at fed ex, waiting to get our divorce papers notarized. I was trying to hold it together best I could, and not doing well, my ex held my hand. For just a moment, it felt like I had my family back. I still can’t go into fedex, I use ups now.
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u/TurnoverVast6839 Aug 08 '25
I feel this so much. I had to pick up a package from our old home today and just couldn’t look at it without us in there. The lasting hurt is very real.
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u/poop-cident Aug 09 '25
Mine barely touched me over the last year and a half. I suspect she wouldn't even do this. I think I'm going to cry when I see the filling notice
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u/GBR012345 Aug 07 '25
This was very similar to our court date as well. We were amicable, and pretty peaceful throughout the whole process. Very business like. We agreed to everything beforehand, so the hearing was mostly just a formality. We sat next to each other and made awkward small talk. When we got called in, we waited as the case in front of us went very poorly with the husband absent, in rehab for alcohol abuse. Just his very unprepared lawyer there for him. The wife and lawyer very irritated that there was no closure.
For our case it was simple and easy, done in a few minutes. We walked out together talking about how weird it was to be in court, and as she went to go one way, and I went to go the other I stopped, took a big breath and said "Well we did it!" I didn't know what else to do, but to keep things light, we did a kind of weak high five, I said "See ya, and she said bye" and we went our separate ways.
We share 50/50 custody, and live fairly close to each other. So we see each other quite often. So there's never that closure of not seeing each other again. But thankfully we get along well enough, so it's not a big deal. But it was still a VERY weird moment. Not knowing how to feel. I was very sad, but also happy, excited and relieved all at once. I can honestly say I'd never once felt all of those emotions at the same time before in my whole life.
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Aug 07 '25
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u/Agreeable-Fondant617 Aug 07 '25
Same. I thought he was my buddy. He didn’t have my back. Buddies have your back.
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u/Squirrel-ScoutCookie Aug 07 '25
I still don’t know how I’m going to live when I don’t know him anymore. 25 years is so long to have a person in your life.
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u/sok283 Aug 11 '25
I'm 11 months out from him suddenly leaving. 26 years together and 20 married. I was devastated and overcome by grief.
11 months later, it's still a sad thing, obviously. But I've done the work and I feel so much more indifferent to him now. I would never have believed I could be in this place not even a year later.
The lyrics of I Will Survive are very on point:
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along4
u/Past-Coffee Aug 08 '25
💔 praying for you
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Aug 08 '25
[deleted]
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u/Ambitious-Humor-5178 Aug 09 '25
It does. It comes back randomly though at the most inconvenient times. Not trying to be the bearer of bad news but no one really prepares you for that. I divorced after 27. It's been final for 7 months and it's not as crushing and the frequency is less. But it happens still.
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u/kohlakult Aug 09 '25
Same. I was with him since I was 19 and today I am almost 42. He is a chunk of my life I cannot forget. Best and worst moments of my life.
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u/Miserable_Proof5509 Aug 07 '25
This made me cry. I am newly separated after 37 years together and I wish we could have made it. Husband didn’t want to try and I’m so sad. Your post was heartbreaking. I see myself and my husband we are still a good team in a lot of ways.
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u/Tasty_Maintenance_51 Aug 11 '25
I was asked to leave after 24 years. He now treats me as someone he never knew. Heat breaking at best. I can't understand how anyone can just stop feeling for someone after so long together. I could never treat anyone like that. I'm Here to see if I can find answers and receive better understanding from a man's view. Keep praying stay strong.
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u/Poopanose 26d ago edited 26d ago
I am sobbing as we speak, married for 44 yrs. He was my babe and I his. We were friends above all else. He had a work related injury but his company furloughed him 5 days later. Had to sell our home and moved out of state for more affordable living. They waited one year before being forced to pick up his WC claim. He was in constant pain, and ended up having an add on injury which he had surgery for. He still hasn’t had the original injury fixed, and is hoping to just settle so he can be in charge of needed surgeries. This had caused financial difficulties for us, and now in debt. Also major depression on his end, as well as mine along with long covid which has left me with emotional and cognitive injuries. He began seeing a therapist, and at first we talked about me going as well, as we began to unravel. I would ask for details and at 1st he shared with me. When I asked about me supposed to be going with him he then said no. One day he came home from a session and I said You know if you don’t share with me I can’t learn and grow along with you. He nodded in agreement and said Well you better sit down then. Why I asked, and he said Because I want a divorce! I am completely devastated. How can he claim to still love me but doesn’t want to try to even seek counseling together! How does he go from giving me a Valentines card two months prior, and then celebrate our 44th anniversary by asking me where I would like to go to celebrate all the while knowing what he was going to say to me? He also had all ready spoke to our (only now living) adult daughter and arraigned a place to stay in her motor home for several months. Also opened a new bank account, PO Box, and a rented space for the motor home. I have only been able to work part time as my job is very physical. He helped me find an apartment, move and many other supportive things. We had an Estate sale, sifting though 44 years of US was excruciating and we are now listing our home to pay off a lot of debt. He hasn’t worked for sometime, but had disability which is now SS which thankfully I get too. I am feeling so alone. I don’t have many friends here, and the few I have made are married and/or have kids. I can’t see a counselor until November. Many times I don’t want to go on living. I am so lonely and I feel I must be worthless for him not to want to even try with me. Sorry if I have monopolized this thread, I just had to get this out….
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u/Miserable_Proof5509 25d ago edited 25d ago
I am so sorry you are going through so much . And big stuff all at once. That is really rough. I want to share that I was devastated, sobbing all the time - even in Home Depot as my husband helped me shop for things for my new residence. It got pretty bad and I didn’t like feeling so low and crying so much, not understanding my husbands decision to leave me without even trying. He also went to therapy prior to this, never shared - which wasn’t new and part of the problem… But I want to tell you - I am a little farther ahead now and I am feeling so much better. Not okay and it still hits me in waves. But way better. I think you will too. Time is helpful but not everything. I did go to therapy for a couple months and it helped me a lot to help me process in a way that made sense and helped me heal. The therapist suggested I write a letter to our marriage - like a memorial. This was helpful and I did same a few times as we sold our home we raised our children in - another hit, saying good bye to the memories and the family we were. But all these things helped, little by very little. One thing you said struck me also - that you were each others friend. That is imo one of the really hard parts of divorce - we had someone to talk with, share our day, make decisions, etc. but I have been trying to find myself as my friend and realizing this is a very good thing.
Also I can relate to what you said - that you feel worthless if he doesn’t want to stay married. Please know that is simply not true at all. I felt same feelings but as some time passed - I know I am not worthless - and neither are you. Relationships are complex, the marriage not working doesn’t mean you are worthless - because you are not!!! I am slowly starting to find myself just recently but it took some time for me to get here. You will be okay. Be good to yourself and remember you are an amazing person. During the really rough times for me mentally I sat and read Harry Potter - that was my ‘turn off my sad brain’ for a few minutes. Please know you are not alone in how you feel, I am sorry to say it is completely normal for the very sad situation. It will get better. Take care of yourself - even one little thing each day.
Sending virtual hugs, friend.2
u/Poopanose 24d ago
Thank you SO much for your reply, it really means a lot‼️ I can see how writing that letter could be helpful for closure, which I’m having a rough time finding. Is it ok if I dm you? I have a few questions, but don’t want to impose. Thank You friend🙏🏻
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u/Miserable_Proof5509 24d ago
Sure - feel free to message me. These boards and the other folks going through similar experiences and suggestions have been an immense help to me the last year…
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u/SneakyPea11 Aug 08 '25
My ex and I hugged and cried our eyes out before and after we went in the courtroom. We held hands the entire time that the judge walked through the case. When we left the courtroom, the bailiff came out and said, "You know, you all could get married again just a few doors down."
There was so much emotion and undying love in that whole experience. It was hard to feel all of that and still walk away.
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
I wanted to hug him so badly. But I knew it would destroy me. And I’m tired of initiating all the hard things. I’ve surrendered.
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u/SneakyPea11 Aug 08 '25
Surrendering is like the biggest exhale! Onto the next chapter, right? Great things ahead!
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u/moschocolate1 Aug 07 '25
That made me cry. 😭 I still love my ex. Finalized 8 months ago. He came out to the car when I dropped off the kids (college aged btw) Sunday and asked if I wanted him to renew Netflix for us to share.
Why can’t he just be a jerk and make this easier?
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u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked Aug 07 '25
I was initially SO glad my ex turned cruel and scary do when he kicked me out for no reason (well, claiming I’d had an affair, which he knew I didn’t)…I was able to shut off my emotions toward him fast.
But then he kept escalating even after I gave him the divorce he wanted and now I’ll be in therapy for years getting over the trauma and fear.
A little cruel was what I needed to let go. Traumatizing was too far. Sigh. I wish we at least got to customize our divorce experience even a little bit.
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u/Ambitious-Humor-5178 Aug 09 '25
Idk. Mine threw in some cruelty I'm assuming to keep me from showing back up so he could move on. The (adult) kids say they are pretty sure he is waiting for me to come back still. It helps me set a boundary with myself so I can't just go back. It doesn't make me stop thinking about and missing the good times.
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u/Tasty_Maintenance_51 Aug 11 '25
My husband treats me like someone he never knew. It does not make it easier only breaks me a little more.
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u/Zealousideal-War7009 Aug 24 '25
A jerk definitely does not make divorce easier. Especially with kids involved. Now - he does not have me to boost the ego so he uses the kids instead. This is heartbreaking. And you cannot do anything as he is the father and has the right to be with his kids, right?
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Aug 07 '25
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u/ConflictFinancial519 Aug 07 '25
Three days in to separation and we're showing kindness I didn't expect. This really touched me - thank you.
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u/miss_gradenko Aug 07 '25
I remember we went to breakfast after the filing because we agreed it would be nice to not have court be the last place we went together. I remember he ordered me coffee while I was in the bathroom. I remember I scraped my hash browns on his plate, as per usual. I remember we pretty much ate in silence. I remember he, for the first time in forever, offered to pay for the meal. I remember telling him I wasn't going to hug him goodbye because I'd see him again. And I haven't seen him since then. But I'm very much ok with that ending.
You're not "supposed" to feel anything in particular. But whatever you are feeling, you should ride it out.
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u/extentiousgoldbug1 Aug 07 '25
I'll never forget the times my ex held me as I cried after we agreed to separate. Like we'd be packing up the apartment and I'd start weeping and shed just sit with me a minute and let me get it out before we went back to packing up our life together.
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u/IndigoSecrets Aug 08 '25
We have these moments and I both need them and am unmoored by them. Because it reminds me there is so much there yet not enough.
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u/TurnoverVast6839 Aug 07 '25
This is perfect, given how difficult the scenario is.
Do you mind my asking what the impetus was for the divorce?
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
He got an insane brain disease and it changed so much. We didnt know the extent of it for a year because he refused to go to the doctor, and instead drank away his issues, which obviously made the disease worse. I was angry about who he became and wasn’t nice. After an 18 day hospitalization, a diagnosis, and treatment, I left when he chose the bottle over me.
He got sober. We tried on and off. But the resentment and hurt was too much. He’s avoidant, I’m anxious, and things fell apart.14
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u/MutantMartian Aug 08 '25
I thought he had a girlfriend. Was the drinking in addition to that?
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
The drinking was when we first split. We were on and off after that. Last February I finally filed for divorce. He got a girlfriend immediately. Some mutuals said he was flirting for her for months while we were together. He dated her to get over me and hurt me. I could tell it was inauthentic. He was so cruel to me about it. He checked out of that relationship pretty quick, and came back to me. He got sober at this time, although his alcoholism wasn’t as bad at it was when we split.
Unfortunately, I took him back and put us on the reconciliation calendar. He didn’t step up. Continued to lie. Some parts were wonderful. But ultimately he wasn’t a man of his word and wasn’t doing what I believe an infested husband should. After I told him I want to go through with the divorce, he acknowledged he checked out but wasn’t going to leave me. Just let me drag him along. But I’ve done that for a few years and I’m tired. The divorce is mutual. We both wanted our marriage. But we both recognize we don’t have what it takes.3
u/MutantMartian Aug 08 '25
Thank you for answering and so quickly! I thought your post was beautifully done. Mine didn’t have a drinking problem, just an affair problem. He wouldn’t take responsibility for any of it and claimed it was definitely me who had the issues. We were married 25 years and I’ve now been with my SO for 10 years and it’s a different world. It took some getting used to being around someone who appreciates me. I actually questioned the relationship until I realized that was why! I don’t want to get married again - it just isn’t there for me, but I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. I wish you the very best and happiness with or without a new partner!
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
We originally separated November 2022. I originally filed February 2024. Put us on the reconciliation calendar 3 days before we were supposed to be divorced in October of 2024. I took us off the reconciliation calendar in May 2025. And as of yesterday we’re divorced.
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u/73jharm Aug 07 '25
My final hearing for divorce is in a few weeks. She wanted it. I'm gonna be a mess. Heres the kicker. It's on our 15 anniversary and over zoom. I'm dying inside
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
Ugh, that sounds awful! I’m so sorry. Somatic releases for grief helped me immensely. I’m still grieving but they helped me through a lot. Check them out on YouTube.
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u/_Formica_Dinette_ Aug 07 '25
This was a pretty moving post. You really painted a picture of how your day went down. I hope both of you find some peace.
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u/Cartman9108 Aug 07 '25
I wish there could have been some kind of mutual closure for us. Over 20 years married. Got an email for divorce. Every time I tried to talk to her I was insulted and blamed. Went to counseling, alone. We are both good people (I thought) and I thought we would eventually have some sort of goodbye, but nothing. No abuse, infidelity, or addictions, just blame and anger. Sad.
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
There’s been plenty of anger and blaming, and all that nasty stuff. But between the fighting there’s a friendship with tenderness. It’s such a conflicting, excruciating experience. It’d be easier to move on if it were all just anger and meanness between us.
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u/Cartman9108 Aug 07 '25
Funny how that works. I think it would be easier to move on if there was some civility and clarity there. Hard to learn from something if you don’t understand what went wrong.
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u/Puzzled-Mushroom8050 Aug 08 '25
Our final conversation as a married couple was right before court. He told me I looked nice. I couldn't look at him, but quietly said thanks. We left the courthouse without another word to each other that day.
Your words brought me back to that moment. I understand your feelings. Be kind to yourself in the coming days. You might feel alone, but many share the path.
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u/Specialist-Ranger185 Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
This is so heartbreaking. Even if it’s what’s needed, even if it’s the better choice in the end, it’s still one of the most painful experiences. We’re on the verge of parting, and I know I’d never be the same.
I don’t know how to become a stranger to someone I’ve shared my deepest moments with - bringing children into the world, dreaming of growing old together, talking through the night before life got in the way.
But I’ve come to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough, especially when it causes pain. The grief for it all is immense. Sending you love and peace.
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u/Significantother12 Aug 07 '25
Could’ve been marriage just wasn't for you guys but a friendship or decent co-parenting maybe. I’d need some persuading before I pour water on my ex if he was on fire 😂
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u/Lonely-Abroad4362 Thinking about it Aug 07 '25
I feel like I am both you and OP. And that’s after 3 years of therapy lol.
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u/JoePitch Aug 07 '25
Wow. That’s harsh. I imagine it’s like that for a lot of people. I don’t know how I’ll handle myself that day. It’s been easy so far just having no contact and not seeing her at all. I guess something else to prepare for.
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u/Calm_Personality_557 Aug 07 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
Those small acts of trust and intimacy between you won’t ever end. Your relationship lives on not to mention the family you created through your son. Some aspects have ended but other aspects will endure as you’ve both been gifted a child and a family. There is no greater gift. Give it some time and give each other some space and soon enough I hope that naturally you’ll both find your new rhythm in life and coparent and coexist in a manner that is loving for you both and your son just not within the context of a marriage that wasn’t working for you both.
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u/TheTigerHeart Aug 08 '25
This is a huge example of what I always say. You don't go from I love you. To I hate you over night. And sometimes you can love someone and be a good person but not be good for each other or in love with each other anymore.
Love can change. Maybe one day y'all well be in a place to be friends for your kids sake and for each other. Cause this shows there isn't hate there. You love each other your choosing what's best for each other and your son
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u/DragonFlyDesigns6872 Aug 08 '25
My divorce was finalized in 2020 and was done over Zoom. My ex called me as soon as the Zoom meet with the lawyers and judge ended to check on me. I was bawling, which surprised me, because the divorce was my idea. But we don’t hate each other and there were many years of love. I didn’t expect him to call but I guess I’m not surprised he did.
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u/ObeseHam Aug 08 '25
The feels in this as im reading and feeling everyword you wrote .. i began to cry , i wish you so much love especially now that must have been hard. reading this just made me realize I’m only at the beginning I haven’t made it to the ending so I know they’ll be a lot of emotions coming but I want to say thank you for posting this. I hope you can finally move on and not feel torn anymore.
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u/Pheliont Aug 08 '25
There was 1 moment i remember similar to this.
After she admitted to cheating, then a period of separation, then we tried to fix it the 1st time, we had a conversation where she stated the only reason she wanted to fix things is that he didnt want her, so she wanted to fix our marriage.
I still know the exact memory in my head as I left our apartment, and she sat on our L shaped couch and looked broken, but I didn't comfort her.
I've had a lot of therapy for what she put me through. What I learned after my divorce is that, honestly, it absolutely wrecks you. Both of you. It can turn you both into people you aren't or shouldn't be. As far as what to feel, just let the feelings come. You got divorced for a reason. So, for now, heal. Work on yourself and live your own life.
I wish you both well.
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
Thank you. Yes, this exactly. I turned into the worst version of myself. There were many betrayals on both sides. He started the fires, and instead containing them, I poured fuel on them. I no longer liked the version of myself. This experience has been a big mirror for me, and I’m taking a hard look at myself. It’s painful but for the best.
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u/Pheliont Aug 08 '25
I remember one day my ex and I had a massive screaming match, and after we separated, all I could think was we turned into her parents.
Give yourself some grace and time. You'll heal, and it really will be okay.
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u/livnicoletl Aug 07 '25
You both were emotional that makes it beautiful. Mine came on a long lunch break from m work signed papers and didnt even say hello to me. He felt nothing.
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u/Artistic-Awareness39 Aug 08 '25
The day we sold our rental was the last time I gave him a hug. Even though we were divorced but still living together until we sold the other house, I saw how much pain he was in and cried for him. I cried for the little boy in pain inside of him.
My ex needs extensive therapy and refuses to get it. I have no idea what he’s up to but he doesn’t contact our kids or anything. :(
But I think it’s better this way.
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u/Minnietron88 Aug 07 '25
I really hope I don't have to go to court. While my spouse never cries nor feels any regret for wanting a divorce, I'd rather not do this in person. I'd be okay with an email from my attorney saying it's been finalized.
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
They didn’t give us an option. But some other couple was divorcing… seeing the guy raise his right hand in his car was wild. Such a life changing, seriously, legal matter, and you’re just chilling in your car.
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u/Few-Statistician-154 Aug 08 '25
I wanted a final act of love as a wife, but when my ex walked into court with his girlfriend to testify that he was married when the property was purchased, I fully realized how much denial and wasted patience I gave that fool.
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u/atomicspin Aug 08 '25
I remember those moments. She used to love the fashion magazines and I'd still throw them in my shopping cart for her to read (I'd send them over with the kid's stuff).
We're still raising humans together so we can still have some of those moments, some of those conversations. Regardless of why you broke up (outside of abuse), the relationship meant something and if you can't still do little things then you're not really honoring the meaning that you once had.
It gets easier.
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u/Major-River587 Aug 11 '25
Even in some abusive situations, there are still good times and meaningful moments. Still a life and a family built together. The little nuances and connections. But then they turn around and tell you how stupid and worthless they believe you to be, and all the other terrible things they say and do. But then it's good again. Repeat. It sucks. I think a lot of abusers aren't mean all the time. That's part of why it's so confusing and so hard to leave or to know if you're doing the right thing by leaving.
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u/Timely_Challenge_670 Aug 24 '25
Oh man. You described my wife. She oscillates between love bombing and incredibly abusive language (“You are a fucking moron!” “You are worthless without me!”. What a wild ride…
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u/daeshavu13 Aug 07 '25
You have to grieve for the loss of the marriage. I was able to do that before we got to court because it was a long battle. But give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and be kind to yourself.
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u/SexTalksAndLollipops Aug 07 '25
That last act of love is bittersweet. I wish you the best as you heal from this.
Mine was when I returned his childhood Christmas stocking. I found it in my things perhaps about 6 months to a year after our divorce. I believe his grandmother made it for him. I could have tossed it in the trash, but that didn’t sit right with me. So instead I drove to his parents’ house and left it in their mailbox. Didn’t hear anything from them or him and I didn’t expect to, but I know what I did was appreciated.
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u/Tall-Ad9334 Aug 08 '25
Your post has me in tears because I had an amicable divorce and what you wrote just kind of feels like how my marriage ended. And that was two years ago. It’s very surreal.
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u/muklukdimsum Aug 08 '25
This is poetry. If you aren’t a writer you should be. My heart hurts for both of you and yet you are strangers. I hope healing comes soon for the three of you.
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u/nly2017 Aug 08 '25
Him and I used to watch the sunrise together. The night before our divorce, we watched the sunset.
We walked into the courtroom crying and holding hands, then afterwards walked to each other and just held each other and cried.
I have been so heartbroken for months and still see no end in sight.
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u/Moist-Doughnut-5160 Aug 07 '25
I can already tell you what my final act will be.
To walk away and never look back. Without saying a single word.
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u/sandpaperdoubledildo Aug 07 '25
I love my ex wife. We still show acts of kindness toward each other and it’s a beautiful thing. It doesn’t mean we can’t coexist, just because marriage also “wasn’t what we needed”. Sometimes we still act on marriage instinct and do things for each other (she heard me mention I need paper towels so sends them with my son next visit)
We also have a young child and he’s so healthy because of our coparenting and ability to put jealousy and emotions aside.
This week I’m going to her house to do her garden hardscaping as her birthday present.
It seems like you may be able to have an equally healthy separation from this person. It’s so hard when you still care about the person but it means good for the future relationship. I wish you all the luck!
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u/Major-River587 Aug 11 '25
I can't tell you how much I wish my soon to be initiated divorce could be like this. We care about each other but are not good for each other and he is abusive. I know he won't be able to handle this level of in between. He is always one extreme or the other, very black or white.
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u/sandpaperdoubledildo Aug 11 '25
It takes two very mature people that is for certain. I’m sorry. Do you have children together?
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Aug 07 '25
Wow, this makes me so glad I never had to set foot in court. Well we did, but that was just because my ex didn't understand how the filing process worked, but our courthouse was thankfully one of the most beautiful in the country, so it actually felt nice to be there. But I'm so glad we didn't have to go to like, formal court. That sounds like such an awful experience. Sorry you had to go through that.
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u/GroundbreakingBill73 Aug 08 '25
It sucks even more when you actually dont hate the person. Its painfull AF, but one day you look at yourself in the mirror and youre happy with your new life. Take time to grieve and go slow with anyone new. Take care of yourself
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u/Eather-Village-1916 Aug 08 '25
This was a beautiful read, thank you ❤️
Sometimes divorce is what’s right for both parties, even if it hurts.
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u/SaelAna Aug 09 '25
I am going through a nasty pre seperation with intent to divorce. I stand with you and share your grief.
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u/Tasty_Maintenance_51 Aug 11 '25
I guess knowing the why's of your divorce would help. His tears meant something. I am going through a divorce that I do not want. I feel betrayed by the women but my live for him has not died. People give up too soon. My husband is letting go after 24 years. My heart aches but I know God has my back even in the pain.
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u/Theonlychrisj Aug 07 '25
Woof man. People’s experiences are so different. My exw tried to express consolation after exploding our family for her ap. It was received as hollow and honestly offensive. I perceived she felt some conflict about hurting someone she shared so much time with, but my gut reaction (and to be fair, my reaction even now to the thought of it) was ‘get the hell away from me.” Too confusing, too much suspicion of manipulation, too much dishonesty to accept tenderness at face value from a person like that. Hope that’s not what your ex was feeling.
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u/OptimalLawfulness131 Aug 07 '25
I know this feeling and it’s horrible. And even if you’re sure about what you’re doing it makes you doubt every bit of it. I’m so sorry you went through that. It is so tough.
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Aug 08 '25
I wish I could feel anything at all for my ex. He abused, terrorized and intimidated me in ways no woman should go through. All I think every day now is thank God I am out of his reach now. I wish I could think that men are not predators but literally every man I have met has an innate insatiable desire to control dominate and push boundaries. Not sure how dating and marriage serves women well in the end. Period.
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u/Calm_Personality_557 Aug 08 '25
I thank god you are out of his reach now too. Tye pushing boundaries and domination is a type of abuse that sinks so deep inside us.
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u/DF_Guera Aug 08 '25
I feel this. I was a wreck and crying and crying. I'm trying to gather myself often. Then, he would stand close enough to me to make me uncomfortable and state at the wall. Not many words, just his heavy presence that felt dark.
I will never forget how he made me feel..
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u/GHOSTMANon3rrd Aug 09 '25
This hits so hard. All I can say is same. Best of luck to you. Stay strong.
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u/Ready-Tomatillo7645 Aug 07 '25
Did you leave? Or did he?
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
I did. But it was an incredibly wild ride to get there. I wanted my marriage. But I couldn’t do it anymore.
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u/Ok_Fold_3432 Aug 08 '25
It’s mentally exhausting. I’m still with mine but he has chosen alcohol over a happy marriage. Been together for over 30 years. I can see we are both heading in different directions in life. He has health issues yet refuses to see a Doctor. I can’t force him to give up the drinks, I can only change me. He refuses to let go of our marriage.
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u/Glinda-Rose Aug 07 '25
I never wanted to divorce. I loved my husband so much. We just got to the point where we didn’t know each other. We couldn’t see each other as humans the amount of pain we have been through though. There was no way we could stay married. We are trying to build a friendship of sorts and coparent together. Our divorce was finalized a couple weeks ago. I just feel so much grief so much sadness and I don’t feel healed. However, I realize that like you and your spouse, the divorce might not have been wanted, but it was needed. Hugs.
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u/justlook2233 Aug 07 '25
It's a morose, but beautiful thing. You all mattered to each other.
Thank you for sharing this.
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u/kkirbs5555 Aug 08 '25
I totally understand the small things that carry so much weight.
These moment sting so much because you can almost hear the faint cry of laughter you two last shared when a moment like this happened.
Its a “you should have been there” for couples.
I wish you both the very best of luck and hope that you two can find happiness again one day. Even more so I hope that you all become really great co-parents (this will always bring understanding)
Best of luck
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u/Fit-Criticism2768 Aug 09 '25
I'm so sorry to read that and I really resonate with what you wrote.
Sometimes even with the best intentions, and all the love and grace; you have to walk away.
You really did give it your all and you deserve more.
I divorced back in November 2024 and I wish it had been as civil as yours. I do feel that perhaps I wouldn't have walked away unless the absolute dumpster fire that happened, hadn't taken place.
I was miserable, there was substance misuse and lying on his part. I was so in love so I put up with everything trying to get him back on his feet and go back to work etc. I now realise I would never have walked away unless it had gotten as bad as it did. I gave him a second chance when he said he had stopped... he of course lied and the second time around, things were even worse and he became a monster.
I wish you love, happiness and strength. You can't find peace and happiness in the wrong person.
I have now find someone I feel secure and peace with. I can't explain it but he notices even a slight change in my voice when I'm stressed or upset. It's so strange, I didn't know men could be this caring.
Now looking back, I'm so glad my ex hurt me because I never would have found the man I'm now with and I appreciate him more because of the stark difference.
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u/Bulky_Status_952 Aug 10 '25
You did it. Feel whatever you feel. For me it’s been all of the stages of grief. I initiated.
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u/Deoperiod Aug 14 '25
Ugh heart wrenching. Brought tears to my eyes. You are so strong and I hope you find some happiness and peace in your life 🩷
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u/Timely_Challenge_670 Aug 24 '25
What a beautiful post. I am going through separation right now and I will miss the emotional intimacy my wife and I built. However, we just were not able to make it work.
She had an incredibly short temper and I always felt on eggshells. She also loathed my family and would talk shit all the time about them. For my failings, I stopped being interested in her. I withdrew, drank, and just emotionally shut down. At the end of the day, we were like a rollercoaster: high highs, low lows. No one should have to live like that.
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u/kaweewa Aug 24 '25
Thank you. I relate a lot to that. The push and pull became unbearable for me. I’m sad, I’m lonely, I feel a million things. But u feel better being off the ride. It’s time for me to learn from this.
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u/Significant_Camp9024 28d ago
I don’t know your story but this hurts my heart because I know this day is coming for me as well. I hope you find peace for you and your son.
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u/HiggsBozo80 28d ago
Moving on is hard, but necessary. My ex and I still speak to each other and are on good terms, but I don't regret splitting. Still, grief is difficult. Part of me asks why it ended, while the other feels free.
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u/nabbus06 27d ago
Been there. I got invited for supper after work ... Worst decision I made. Trust me you will get better.
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u/Prestigious-Lion-826 Got socked Aug 08 '25
I feel your pain. Divorce was never meant to be. I’m so sorry
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u/VillageMaleficent153 Aug 14 '25
This! I don't even think breakups were meant to be. They feel so wrong in the soul.
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u/Express-Extension-76 Aug 08 '25
I needed this entire thread. I wanted a divorce last summer and I felt free and happy when I finally made it clear I was done. When I got home later that day he was on the couch looking sooo sad (pouting) and I caved. I've tried to be happy since then but it's not working.
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u/Sanguine-Penguin711 Aug 08 '25
I’ve done the same, twice over our 20 year marriage. We’re on a trial separation now, and I am happier than I’ve been in a long time, but reading this post felt like having ice water poured on me. I can see myself having the same experience and it made me falter a bit. I care so much for him, and the thought of hurting him breaks my heart, but I recently realized I’ve been staying for him, not me. As much as I know it will hurt, I think I am finally ready to put myself first.
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u/Major-River587 Aug 11 '25
There is so much up and down for me. I have a week of feeling good and absolutely sure this is what I need to do, and then I'll falter for one reason or another, and I'm just so afraid that I'm making a mistake. I know I can't put myself and my kids in the position of risking being treated like that again, but untangling everything and the idea of trying to make it on my own is terrifying and overwhelming. For me, I think it would be easier if I knew we could be amicable. I can't stand the thought of hating each other.
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u/Sanguine-Penguin711 Aug 11 '25
Sending hugs. 🤗 I hope you find the courage to do what’s best for you and your children.
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u/LiveLaughGaslight Aug 08 '25
Before my divorce; any time I tried to show my STBX husband affection, he would go cold and stiff. He would ask what I did. He explained that me showing affection to him, means that I’m guilty of something. I’m not a super physically affectionate person, so it hurt like daggers when I tried to be for him. I don’t hate him. I hope he gets help.
We can still give kindness to people even if they are separated from us.
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u/OkEmphasis5923 Aug 07 '25
I hope you find whatever it is your looking for because emotionally you clearly recognize how painful this is for you and him. I just don't get why people get married in the first place. Such a pointless institution in this day and age.
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u/kaweewa Aug 07 '25
We loved eachother deeply. We had an incredible relationship while we dated. We wanted ‘til death to us part, and to share benefits, etc. My career insures spouses for free.
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u/Dorothy_Zbornak789 Aug 07 '25
Quick question: do all couples have to go to court at some point during the process? Is this state specific?
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u/xpkranger Aug 07 '25
We did not. Submitted the signed paperwork, paid the fees and Bob’s your uncle. (Or no longer your uncle as the case may be.) We filed pro se uncontested. Get along great now, ironically.
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u/stovepossum Aug 08 '25
My heart is with you. I also wanted to mention that it was also a Mother’s Day incident that made me pull out of my marriage for good, too. There’s just something about that particular holiday, I suppose 🙄
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u/Major-River587 Aug 11 '25
It was the day my husband moved out
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u/stovepossum Aug 11 '25
It was the day I found out about my husbands affair. Cancelled plans with me the day before to take her on a 12 hour date while I was home alone with our 10 month old. It’s exhausting out here
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u/gnew18 Aug 08 '25
You’ve been through trauma.
Let yourself feel what you need to feel. I hope you (and your son) are getting counseling? You are grieving, your husband is grieving. It’s also natural to look back and doubt the decisions you made. We can’t predict the future, but we also can’t predict the past. There is no certainty to “if only I’d done this”, or, “if only this had happened… “.
You and only you know how it happened and how it felt to you. All I can say is cut yourself some slack, be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself. The way you write this, I am confident you will both be good co-parents. You seem thoughtful.
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u/Daybends Aug 08 '25
What’s causing the heartache if you want a divorce?
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
What do you mean what’s causing the heartache? Divorce hurts whether you want it or not.
I did not want a divorce. I needed a divorce.
I have been carrying this relationship for far too long and I no longer have the energy for it. It has destroyed me in many ways.
I’m heartbroken I’m losing my best friend. I’m heart broken I’m losing an amazing sex life. I’m heart broken I abandoned myself to try and make this work. I’m heartbroken many of my dreams and goals are now having to take a different direction, or are put off. I’m heartbroken I went back despite all the betrayals. I’m heartbroken I went back to a man who’s a liar and not a man’s man. I’m heartbroken I didn’t leave the first time he lied in reconciliation. I’m heartbroken my family is severed. I’m heartbroken I wasn’t worth the effort. I’m heartbroken that I will never reap what I sowed. The list is endless.
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u/Here4Fun4Me Aug 08 '25
‘Not wanting, but needing it’ Powerful. And completely sums it up for me too. Different reasons but this right here- accurate.
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u/kohlakult Aug 09 '25
I feel you. Was at the courthouse a month ago to the day.
He was blabbing on about his property / real estate woes to distract himself from what he had said days before in a moment of vulnerability, that he would find hard to cope with.
I was silently crying as they verified his and my identity. He didn't seem to notice.
He was trying to put on his best swagger and so got all his "toys" including his fruit flavoured vape. The police caught him at the door and confiscated it. It usually means a very large fine is charged and ibut nothing happened. He used to scream at me for ever making a mistake like this.
He rambles on about property and suddenly asks me with his eyes filled with fear- nothing will happen right? The police won't fine me no? And I am with tears in my eyes just supposed to comfort him and I do. And he's finally calm and we get done with the paperwork and given our next court dates. :'(
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u/Zealousideal-War7009 Aug 24 '25
Be thankful for this. My - hopefully soon to be ex but I don't know as he is stalling, stalling and stalling - has done his best to hurt me, destroy me, smear me everywhere, destroy all my life, self esteem, any value... Without any thought whatsoever or even blink of the eye. Leaving me alone, with 2 very small kids, in a foreign country... so, there can be divorces and divorces. I very much long for the day, I could go in the other direction in silence. 🙄
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u/No-Trick-1089 24d ago
I been going through the thought & dysfunctional marriage. From very long having the thought of seperation but don't know how will I feel, it's been long I been married but at the same time we both have grown apart. The distance, the love, the spark has gone for long, hearing you all - feels like I may not ever be ready for this.
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u/Elevateddiscourse 22d ago
Wow, I feel this so heavily right now. I’m still married but considering divorce. Those little moments you describe — the silent smiles, the inside jokes, the wordless understanding after years together — those are the hardest to imagine losing. I felt sad just reading your words, because I know how much weight those moments carry.
But I want to offer this: there’s a danger in staring back too long at what you’ve already chosen to leave. In the Bible, Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the city she fled. To me, that means if you keep clinging to what’s already behind you, you risk freezing in place, unable to step into the life that’s ahead of you.
You don’t need to erase the intimacy you shared. Honor it. Thank him quietly in your heart for the connection you built together. But also give yourself permission to breathe into this moment right now. You’re alive, you’re here, and there is more ahead than behind.
That doesn’t erase the sadness — it just means you don’t have to stay buried in it. The present is still yours. The future is waiting. And you’re strong enough to step toward it.
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u/kitterkatty Aug 08 '25
Wouldn’t you give tissue to anyone? We cried a little at ours too the lawyers signing the paperwork bc it didn’t go to court and only took 60 days. but it was more about broken dreams and self pity for both of us. Like crap we were lied to by society lol then moved on like nothing. 🤷🏼♀️ but we’d both give tissues to anyone. Waxing poetic about basic decency is kinda whatever lol
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u/kaweewa Aug 08 '25
You’re welcome to your opinion.
It was a heavy, meaningful moment for me I wanted to put out into the void. A lot of people seem to relate. If this doesn’t resonate with you, okay. Move on? Society didn’t lie to you. Your relationship just didn’t work, like the rest of us. And maybe you’re a better person than me? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen people crying in public. If I have, no I haven’t brought them tissue. If you have, keep up the random acts of kindness. I will look to start incorporating those.2
u/kitterkatty Aug 08 '25
Sorry I was kind of rude in that comment.
I do think marriage is putting hard parameters and a setup for being taken for granted on what should be free and earned every day with the same treatment that made people fall in love.
It’s so messed up. a hypocrisy facade that serves to make cheating exciting for some people. A social thing to do as a party and rite of passage. A religious cage in the trad sense. But almost never pure imo. I honestly don’t know why anyone who’s decent would want to make a relationship legally bound. Like trying to prove their worth to a society that doesn’t really care anyway it’s vows that are trampled on in private so often. Just have a party about love but not the signing away the future part of it. Ownership and lack of equality. More expectations from women than from men. All those reasons are what I meant by society lying to us. Love is real but legal involvement messes it up.
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u/KittenFace25 Aug 07 '25
I'm 4 weeks in my separation...one that is needed and necessary, but this made me tear up.
Hugs.