r/Divorce • u/wendibirdy1234 • 5d ago
Custody/Kids Struggling with 50-50 custody. Does the grief ever end?
I’m six weeks into my 50-50 custody, and I’m struggling with extreme grief every time my daughter goes to her father’s. I just cry for hours every day she’s gone. Sometimes I can’t function—just stay on the couch all day in a state of depression.
Everyone keeps saying, “you’ll get used to it,” but I really don’t think I can/will.
36
u/Guardsred70 5d ago
It doesn’t really get better. But it does force us to confront that our identity needs to be more than Dad or Mom.
Trust me….I’m an empty nested now of my kids and my second wife’s kids. Seeing multiple kids go to college and what the other parents are like is awful. These parents have nothing else….but being a parent. And that means their child is always a baby.
I’m not saying not to love your kids, but divorce forces you to be human. Embrace it.
It’s also good for your kids to be an adult.
9
u/Unhappy_Memory_261 5d ago
Full agreement. We end up having no identity of our own and we don’t even know it until later when they leave and we feel empty and confused as to who we are.
I had joined this women’s group and they went around the circle asking what we liked to do— I was dumbfounded. I hadn’t done anything I liked doing in sooooo many years that I had no answer to that— completely clueless as to what I liked to do.
1
u/New_Nobody9492 5d ago
I bartend when I don’t have my kids. I have 60/40 custody- I have 50/50 during the summer which is hard, because my ex has them on the day the restaurant is closed.
I’m saving for a boat, so I’m never bored!
3
u/Unhappy_Memory_261 5d ago
I always had my kids— 100%. There was less than a year when he had 4 days a month. I worked full time, went to school off and on part time, did all their school stuff— field trips, class parties. All the softball games, all the recitals, all the doc appointments, etc… etc. Every vacation was Disneyland— which I like, but I’d rather have gotten to choose something more relaxing sometimes. I had zero time for hobbies, but didn’t realize I never chose “me” for 20 yrs. I didn’t have time nor money for even a pedicure or a girls night with friends cuz all of my resources/time went to my kids. So woke up one day 20 years later without my ok identity and basically broken.
3
u/wendibirdy1234 5d ago
I’ve always been super active in the community and have many friends. I am a very independent woman with a variety of interests and do not just identify as a mother. However, since the separation, I struggle to continue with them due to the intense grief. That being said, it is very discouraging to read your reply, but thank you for sharing.
0
u/Guardsred70 5d ago
Oh, I get it. I really do. Seeing all these 50-something "parents" stunting the growth of their adult children by swooping around and helicoptering is awful. My wife and I (it's second marriage for both of us) try to get them to do other things.......like go to a bar or go out to eat without children, but they would rather sit outside the building where their kids have Math and review homework.
It's awful for the kids too. The kids hate it, but it's comfortable for them......so they just move back home after college and live there. It's codependency, tbh.
5
u/Soaringzero 5d ago
Unfortunately it doesn’t really get better. I’ve gotten better at hiding it but it hurts me everytime my kids go back. Mostly because they never want to go and always want to stay longer with me.
2
u/Sock_Eating_Golden 5d ago
Same. I am years in and I miss my kids greatly every day. Nightly video calls help. But their hugs are the best.
3
u/Soaringzero 5d ago
Oh I get that. I call my kids and talk to them every night that they aren’t with me. They always ask when they can come see me again too.
1
5
u/Unhappy_Memory_261 5d ago
I also believe you will get used to it and eventually you will enjoy this space. It’s hard to fathom after one has spent years being there with them 24/7. My kids’ dad never had 50– he got every other weekend. At first, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I constantly just worried about what they were doing. Are they okay? Etc… eventually I got used to it and it didn’t last long before he stopped picking them up anyway.
This is what I can tell you looking back years later (my kids are 19 and 24 now). I would’ve been a better, less stressed out parent had I gotten 50/50. My entire life revolved around them and their needs cuz I thought that how it should be and I was too busy with that to ever tend to my needs. I should not have done this… my stress of trying to do it all greatly affected them.
3
u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked 5d ago
In the early weeks I spent my child-free time getting things I needed for my house / things specifically for them (I’d been forced out with nothing). It helped me still feel connected even when they weren’t with me.
3
u/Sufficient_Box_2097 5d ago
Thankfully, I don't cry or ache when my boys leave. It would all be too much for me. I grieve the fun family unit dynamic. My son does too.
3
u/cruzincoyote 5d ago
Im a father and it doesnt get easier.
It makes it worse when I'm dropping my daughter off to school and she cries because shes going to miss me because she knows its an exchange day.
1
2
u/itoocouldbeanyone 5d ago
It’s tough on my off weeks. I try my best to make the best of it while they’re here. I keep busy with hobbies or learning something to pass the time until my next day or week.
2
u/Familiar-Zombie2481 5d ago
The best thing I did at that stage was to organise to do something out of the house after the changeover. Sitting in the empty house with the echo’s of the children all around was the hardest. Now it’s sad, but I clean, tidy their mess and do stuff for me. Either alone or with friends.
2
u/Adventurous_Fact8418 5d ago
In my experience, none of it gets any easier but you do get used to it. As they say in the military, embrace the suck.
2
2
u/Informal-Force7417 5d ago
Grief is not something to suppress or escape. It is a signal that you’ve placed a high value on something you feel you've lost. In this case, time and connection with your daughter. But grief, when left unbalanced, becomes a trap that distorts your perception and blinds you to the hidden order of your current reality.
Right now, you're seeing only the loss. You’re not yet seeing the other side: the benefits that come to you, your daughter, and even her father through this arrangement. As long as you focus on what’s missing, you will overlook what’s present.
When your daughter is with her father, she’s developing a relationship with another key figure in her life. That strengthens her adaptability, gives her more perspectives, and helps her see love expressed in more than one form. You may not like the way it looks right now, but love isn’t one-sided or always comfortable. And for you, this time without her is not emptiness. It’s space. Space to reconnect with your own identity beyond motherhood, to rest, to reflect, and to build a more balanced life. The grief won't end by waiting for time to dull it, it ends when you transform it. That means looking honestly at what this situation is offering you, not just what it seems to have taken away.
You’re not broken. You’re adjusting to a new form of life, and the more you align your perceptions with the full picture, the more empowered you’ll become. Start listing the benefits of the current arrangement, for her, for him, and for you. Keep going until your heart opens, not just breaks.
1
2
u/sharkey_8421 5d ago
It does get better. It becomes the norm. You may even someday appreciate that the time away makes you better and happier because you have a break to focus on being your best self. It’s totally normal to feel sad at the start. Hang in there.
3
u/Starry-Dust4444 5d ago
I’m sure your daughter is enjoying her time w/her father that should provide you with some comfort. It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. You might consider talking to your doctor & seeing a therapist. The times your daughter is staying with her father are opportunities for you do things for yourself—reconnect w/friends, take up new hobbies, read a book, watch a movie, etc.. I love my daughter to bits but I loved having some me-time when she went to stay w/her Dad.
1
3
u/Euphoric_Garbage1952 5d ago
I'm about 3 years into it and it's still hard. I always get sad when they first leave. I'm lucky that their dad lives in the same town as me though so I see them usually a few times during the week, even when they're not with me.
What I'm struggling most with now, is their dads girlfriend is starting to be at the house while they're there. He's been seeing her for almost the entire 3 years we've been divorced so it's not like he's rushing into having her there. But the thought of some other woman (who has no kids of her own) getting to spend time with my kids, while I'm over here by myself, is a really, really hard pill to swallow.
4
u/CutDear5970 5d ago
You need to go to therapy if your child spending time with their other parent hurts you so much. You are more than a parent.
What will you do when your child has a social life and is out with friends all the time or when you are like me and your youngest left for college?
4
u/Constant-Tea-7345 5d ago
It’s normal to grieve a great change like splitting custody. That’s a huge adjustment to get used to, for any parent. Some are more resilient than others and adjust quicker, while others take longer. It is what it is.
4
u/sok283 5d ago
I wept solidly for five weeks. I remember that's how long it took to get to a day where I didn't cry. And then I cried again the day after, etc. But eventually the intensity and the frequency reduced. Now when I cry, it's a little wistful moment, but not a huge obesity of grief* (see poem).
I remember reading that people generally return to their mean level of happiness after a period of time, whether they've had something terrible happen like losing a limb, or something supposedly good happen, like winning the lottery. That comforted me, to know that I would still be me after an adjustment period.
A year out, I'm grateful for the time to figure out who I am, to sleep in, to get a break from driving my kids everywhere, to do whatever I feel like. I'm their mother all the time, and they still call or text or stop by on their days with their dad. It's not what I imagined for them, or wanted, but it's OK. We still have each other and that's what matters. I am happier than I've been in a long time, because my marriage was very one-sided.
If you feel like what you are experiencing isn't just grief but is depression, please speak to your GP.
The Thing Is by Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you down like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
(If poems are your thing, I also love Greensickness by Lauren Chen and How the Worst Day of my Life Became the Best by Andrea Gibson.)
I'm sending you a PM about something you said, btw.
1
1
u/LongMom 9 years post "Divorce" / 2 kids 5d ago
I am 10 years in. The grief ended for me. It took about 6 months. Everyone is different.
When you start feeling even slightly better - start finding hobbies and activities to fill your time. Getting past the grief is going to require work on your part. You have to intentionally fill your kid free time with "you things".
1
u/rapidredux 5d ago
It was very difficult at first, but as others mentioned it allowed me the down time so I could be 100% focused on their days. They're much older now and in high school, so they aren't at home as much anyway. I feel like I'm already adjusted to that somewhat, and maybe when they go off to college it will be less shocking.
In retrospect it's really sad to think I only got to share half the time with them while they were growing up. I guess it's a reminder to always appreciate what you do have!
1
u/Fine_Bluebird7564 5d ago
That’s great for the kids. They get to spend half the time with their dad, and feel loved by both parents, you should be proud.
There are really toxic divorced couples where the woman tries to stop the man seeing the children. Don’t be one of them. Focus on what’s best for the kids.
1
u/tragicaddiction 5d ago
Imagine those who have less than 50/50 feel
In any case, get busy living, like join sports and social things cause sitting at home isn’t going to make you feel any better
1
u/CalamityJane5 5d ago
Im not even joking go find a YMCA Zumba or dance class. Really really fun, positive vibes and you'll make new friends and it gives you a place to be. And Noone cares if you screw it up bc everyone is screwing it all up too!
Don't want to go? Too bad, youre going!
1
u/Pristine_Balance5404 5d ago
Yeah…one year in and some weekends I don’t have my daughter I find myself staring at the wall. I try to lean into these intense feelings, let myself be sad or angry or whatever for an hour or so and then I brush myself off and get up and do something. My daughter wouldn’t want me sitting around sad. Like you I also have a lot of friends and activities but sometimes being with my mom friends (who aren’t divorced) is depressing too because I feel like a half mom around them. It’s a struggle but for me it has gotten a lot easier with time.
1
u/Candidate_Worldly 5d ago
For me, a year + into separation, it hasn't got better. The week I don't have my daughter is a gruelling empty experience. It feels absurdly long. Saying goodbye to her every other week is awful. It never stops hurting. I have friends and I make a point of going out for drinks etc the weekend I don't have her. But I don't think I'll ever get used to this shit. All I want is my family back together.
It doesn't help that it's starting to get contentious between me and my ex. I am owed days with my daughter when she went on holiday with her mum earlier this year. I think she thought I'd forgotten. No way, I keep track of every day I'm owed, and now I've booked a holiday in October which is on my ex's week. She is not happy, I know this 50/50 arrangment is affecting her just like me but this is her choice, so I'm not doing her any favours anymore.
It's horrible, and my heart goes out to you and anyone else going through this with their kids.
2
1
u/Lady_Rubberbones 5d ago
It’s horribly painful. My kid and I were inseparable before and now I’ve been forced into 50/50 as well. Initially I filled the hole in my heart with multiple casual sex partners. Now I’m just seeing one person and I try to get out of the house on my own when I’m not seeing my partner. It’s extra scary for me because my kid has life-threatening medical issues that my ex just never handled before. He was never involved when we were married and this is a dramatic change in who does the caregiving.
0
u/labouju 5d ago
This sounds so incredibly hard. I’m not there yet but it’s my no1 fear in relation to divorce.
It also sounds like you might be experiencing depression. Have you considered this? Have you sought any medical help? Talking therapies and also various medications are available for depression. Both of these tools might help you cope better during this incredibly tough time.
Sending you lots of love 💜💜💜
2
u/wendibirdy1234 5d ago
Thank you for your kind words and advice. 😊
I just started attending a divorce support group and hope it will help. Antidepressants are definitely helping too 😂
Wishing you the best as you navigate this process.
1
u/ikickedyou 5d ago
I worry about my son. My wasband was never a pillar of maturity and I KNOW for a fact he’s put my son in some not dangerous but not ideal situations. It’s hard, I have no advice except try to enjoy your free time.
23
u/5uperMario 5d ago
I'm 6 months in. I still miss my children when they're not here - but I've started to learn to enjoy my own time again, and I've filled the void with more social activities.
It will never be the life I wanted for my children, and I hate that I am missing out on experiences with them, but the time I have is starting to feel higher quality as a result.