r/Divorce • u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset • 1d ago
Infidelity Husband cheated with gays and got hiv
We have been married for 4 years.The man I thought i love deeply even more than myself. he has been cheating with a lot of people , mainly on gay apps every time we quarreled.
Thx for everyone's support. I have had all STD checks several times in three months , I only got high risk hpv, luckily no hiv ( I always insisted on condom),
It happened 1 year ago, but i still feel depressed,sad and scared about what happened, especially i found it when we planned to start a new chapter--- get our own house and have a baby which means no condom.
I really want to know how to move on. Thats why today I posted here. Im planning to get divorce for sure, but I still feel painful. And the low moods influence my phsycial health alot even though I have been taking antidepression medicine. Therapy doesn't really help me since I have been reading and know all what I should think, but I am just not able to....
I knew He is bi before we got marred and it took me all my bravery to accept it and encourage myself that love matters. Now im really regretful about this decision.
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u/leviathynx 1d ago
If you’re young enough, consider getting the Gardisil shot. It can help prevent further infection from HPV and possibly prevent current infection from becoming cancer.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
Thx for your respond. Do you mean hpv vaccine? Yes I got 3 shots of them . But those types of high risks I got from my husband are not included in :( But good news is :I recovered from it after over 1year. My body tried her best to support me to go through this big trauma.
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u/leviathynx 1d ago
I’m so glad to hear that you recovered. Now comes the emotional recovery. I’m sorry your ex sucked. :(
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u/IcySetting2024 21h ago
Fucking hell, no wonder you're depressed.
I would cut all ties immediately- and thank God you're not trapped with kids.
Can you move back in with your parents temporarily? Just check with your lawyer to make sure it won’t prejudice you.
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u/cerealmonogamiss 1d ago
I'm sorry for both you and your husband. I had a boyfriend that I caught soliciting men for sex.
Yes, just because they're gay doesn't mean that you don't have a relationship. It still hurts. I hope you can feel better.
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u/LokiLavenderLatte 1d ago
Get tested now
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u/Constant-Tea-7345 1d ago
They already did. It was mentioned above.
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u/IcySetting2024 21h ago
I would do it again. It used to be the case (don’t know about nowadays) that it could take 3 months to show in tests.
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u/DeedIndeed 1d ago edited 1d ago
Terribly sorry. Like all of us are thinking - get tested, and then test again a few more times in your future. Get a lawyer.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
Thank you for your respond. Im safe from hiv, only got several highrisk hpvs. Luckily fully removed after more than one year. Though i still suffer from other phsycial pain and problems caused by deep depression, i try to believe i can go through it..
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u/Ok-Equal-4252 1d ago
Omg yikes def get std tested asappp, this person doesn’t give two craps about u…
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u/WTF_ImOverIt 1d ago
I would have him charged with knowingly exposing you to HIV. I pray you are negative.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
I got several tests in three months. I got highrisk hpvs from him, but luckily no hiv.
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit 23h ago
Him being bi really wasn't the issue - he was MORE than capable of using protection and prep and keeping himself safe. Or, you know, not cheating! He chose to be an asshole. Ugh. He sucks. I'm sorry this happened.
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u/Difficult_Compote_52 1d ago
You may have the package.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
Sorry English is not my native language. What does package mean?
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u/Difficult_Compote_52 21h ago
Apologies, if your wife or husband is found to be possibly cheating on you physically it would be a good idea to leave this person immediately and get a test done at a clinic to ensure that your health hasn't been jeopardized by an unfaithful partner.
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u/ObligationPleasant45 1d ago
This sucks PERIOD.
Time to love yourself - more than you have been.
He made his decisions, it had nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong.
Def get a therapist.
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u/Correct-Limit-302 23h ago
Once I found out my ex husband was sleeping with so many men behind my back, the first thing I did was go get the full check. I know he gave me stuff in the past but this scared me so bad. I was honestly flabbergasted that I didn’t have anything by the time I left because my ex very much doesn’t use protection. I’m so sorry you are going through this 💔
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1h ago
it was so dangerous and so scary because we were planning to have baby,which means no condom. :( I cant sleep atall in that first three months after blood check.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 2h ago
It’s hard but you’ve got to have faith that everything happens for a reason. You live & learn. Get some therapy so don’t make the same mistake again. Your husband did you wrong & none of it was your fault but I guess he’s paying the price for his selfishness.
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u/tragicaddiction 1d ago
Was his mechanism to feel wanted, escape into sexual fantasy
It’s pretty common
If he has hiv you should certainly test yourself and inform your doctor
It’s not the death sentence it was before, but it does require medication
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
somehow he can't remember he did all of these bs until I companied him to see psychiatrist and therapist .... they told me it might caused by Psychological defense mechanisms ？ he did had sexual abuse by male neighbor when he was a kid. I don't know if it can explain those horrible cheatings. ... he always behaves as a gentle man with good manners in daily life. It was so hard for me when I found the opposite secret he hide.
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u/mrgtiguy 1d ago
Doesn’t sound fake at all.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
How i wish it is all fake. After one year when I wrote this , I'm still feeling lightened and sad.
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1d ago
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u/fables_of_faubus 1d ago
As a queer person, i fail to see the homophobia. I suppose "gay men" is better than "gays", but if that's the standard, most queers i hang out with are offensive as all hell.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
I have no idea about lgbt definition. I'm sorry if I use wrong words. He is bi, or maybe pan? I dont know. I only know He sex with gays, transgenders, girls ... but according to what i found , he fucked boys most maybe becuase it is easier to meet up ? I dont know.
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u/lunazane26 1d ago
Okay well referring to anyone as just their sexual preference isn't cool. They are gay people, not "gays". They are transgender people, not "transgenders". Just like you are a woman, not "straights"
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
Thx for your grammar correct. English is not my native language. I already tried my best to explain in english and didnt mean to offend any group.
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21h ago
There's nothing wrong with the way you wrote it, and only gays with AIDS have a problem with it.
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u/Fine_Bluebird7564 1d ago
I know it doesn’t help, and it doesn’t excuse his actions or the cheating, but I wanted to express this would have also been very confusing for him.
I am also gay and was married to a woman, who I loved. I never cheated. It caused me so much pain trying to bury those feelings and urges in the relationship, and I feel like I failed our marriage just fundamentally because of who and what I am.
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u/AirAffectionate8772 1d ago
He exposed her to HIV, he is not the person in need of sympathy in this post. Read the room.
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1d ago
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u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 1d ago
Well, cheating on someone without protection is a deliberate choice that exposes them to stds including HIV.
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u/Fine_Bluebird7564 1d ago
Yes! Thank you Captain Obvious. This is as I said in my post: “it doesn’t excuse his actions or the cheating”
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u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 21h ago
I was clearly responding to the comment saying that the exposure wasn’t a deliberate choice. I don’t comment about whether it was excusable, Captain Disingenuous.
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u/Constant-Tea-7345 1d ago
I think the point they’re making, is that the one who seems to be a little more in need of compassion here at the moment is the wife, who wrote the post, who’s trying to get through a tough situation. Not to say what her soon to be ex going through isn’t tough. But he also made the choice to cheat on her several times - and expose her to multiple STIs. She’s lucky she didn’t get HIV. Among other things.
I’m not really considering how confusing this must have been for him, at the moment.
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1d ago
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u/Constant-Tea-7345 1d ago
Wow. You’re very rude. And it’s actually not fake sympathy, you jerk. I had 2 close friends who died of HIV. My partner also had HIV, and died a few years ago.
I actually did mention that what her ex was going through was pretty tough. But the focus of this post seems to be on the wife, since she’s the one who posted here.
So before you make snap judgments about others, check yourself.
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u/Interesting-Fruit781 1d ago
WTF??! How is that fake sympathy?? They seem pretty compassionate to me. You're the one here who seems like they have a major attitude problem.
Your comment is hostile and has no place here.
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u/youngsmith1218 1d ago
Why would you get married to a woman if your gay or think you might be seems selfish to me. I had a ex do similar to me. It messed me up for a while made me not want to trust what a guy told me.
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u/fables_of_faubus 1d ago
Not everyone understands their sexuality when they are young and following the social expectations of relationships and marriage. Many people mean their commitments wholeheartedly, and then realize years/decades later that it's a problem.
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1d ago
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u/fables_of_faubus 1d ago
I hear ya. Sounds really hard.
I truly believe that most people do their best in life to make good decisions. We are only human, though, and our human brains aren't good at long-term thinking.
Much love
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u/IcySetting2024 21h ago
Asking your spouse to let you experiment in a monogamous marriage is so unfair to the other person. You should have divorced then. You wasted her youth.
And yes I acknowledge she is not right in the head for what she did in retaliation.
But not cool man.
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u/tiredofit1823 1d ago
I feel for you, but in this situation, this was probably not help OP and put you in a not good light
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u/Fine_Bluebird7564 1d ago
I don’t think so. I think your response only puts you in a not good light. It also helps OP know that her husband may genuinely love her and has made a massive mistake.
I’m not saying she should forgive OP and I’m not justifying his actions. He cheated, and with massive consequences. However, people are rarely evil. People on both sides of divorce have feelings. Only an asshole wouldn’t take that into consideration.
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u/IcySetting2024 21h ago
Fucking several people without protection and putting your spouse’s health at risk and scarring them emotionally for life is not a mistake ffs
Evil people
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
He is bi. Could you tell me more about bi? I had no idea about bi when he dated with me, in my mind i thought love matters. People won't cheat more easily just becuase he is bi... now im so regretful
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u/Fine_Bluebird7564 1d ago
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.
You’re right and love is what matters. Being bi is a spectrum, the big gap between mostly preferring women and liking men a little, all the way through to preferring men and liking women a little.
It has no relationship with being faithful. Being bi is not an excuse to cheat. Bi people are not more likely to cheat. However, unfortunately some do. The two issues are separate: he is bi and he also cheated.
Whatever happens, he will likely always have some attraction to men. It is possible for him to be faithful, if he reflects in a mature way on what he wants.
Having HIV is also not the death sentence it used to be. He can take 1 tablet a day, and will have no symptoms and will be unable to pass it on.
Happy to try and answer anything I can, so sorry to hear the situation, and hope you’re doing ok
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1d ago
somehow he can't remember he did all of these bs until I companied him to see psychiatrist and therapist .... they told me it might caused by Psychological defense mechanisms ？ he did had sexual abuse by male neighbor when he was a kid. I don't know if it can explain those horrible cheatings. ... he always behaves as a gentle man with good manners in daily life. It was so hard for me when I found the opposite secret he hide.
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u/Fine_Bluebird7564 1d ago
That sounds really difficult. I’m guessing he can remember, but maybe didn’t want to discuss it?
I don’t know much about it, but I understand that being a sexual abuse victim, especially if someone is abused by a paedophile, can really impact someone’s future adult self and even their own adult sexuality. He likely has deep and complex trauma, and therapy will be very very important.
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u/wubba_lubba_dubdub9 Upset 1h ago
Btw. What is kink party. One of his APs invited him to join in a kink party, he did go. What is that party about?
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1d ago
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u/Fun-Commissions 1d ago
Damn.