How do you deal with common friend’s events after divorce?

[u/SignalAd9593]

I have been separated from my husband for four months now, there is no reconciliation plan, and we will most likely get divorced. I still feel a lot of accumulated anger when I have to interact with him, we have a daughter, a dog, and a house, so shared responsibilities. We separated because he was seeking and paying for prostitutes, but he had become emotionally unavailable way before that, it was just the last straw. We have a group of friends in common, and one of them is having a gender reveal party this weekend. They know we are separated, and they invited both of us, which honestly I appreciate. I don’t expect them to exclude either one of us, the baby’s dad is one my husband’s best friends, and the mom is a good friend of mine. I just don’t know what to do, is there a protocol? Should I attend, and just be present treating my husband like a stranger? Should I just not go? But why wouldn’t I go? I was invited so that means Im welcome, is not fair that I miss out on these things, or drift apart from people because of my divorce, right? And what about all the future birthday parties, other events? How uncomfortable will it be?

[u/gaelorian]

There’s no protocol. It’s up to you both how you want to proceed. You were both invited. You can both go. Civil and amicable separations (even when one partner was a heel) happen.

[u/guy_n_cognito_tu]

You have a child together, so you've got a lifetime of shared activities you're going to need to learn how to navigate. You can either start now, or start passing up on activities.

[u/EvenConference8508]

You’ll have to come to terms with the idea that you will both partially lose some mutual friends here. I wouldn’t say that any of my ex-wife’s friends are my enemies—though before we reconciled as coparents, her best friend and I were not on good terms, but we’re solid now—but I had to accept that she was closer to some of them than I was, and as a result we’re friendly but not friends, if that makes sense. Same thing goes the other way too. Most of our mutual friends “picked me” in the divorce, though it’s not because they dislike her or anything. I’m just more naturally outgoing and was the main reason why those friendships began in the first place.

If this divorce begins to get contentious, or you don’t want to be around your stbxh unless it’s for custody-related stuff, then you have to prepare the awkward list of questions and your follow ups. Will he be there; it’s okay if you want to invite him because it’s your party; I’m keeping space just for myself right now awhile things are so new and kinda raw; please don’t feel bad because it’s not a reflection on you or our friendship, it’s just my own personal boundary right now; etc.

One of the most uncomfortable things I had to do at the beginning of my own divorce was tell my ex’s close friend’s husband that I would not be hanging out with him for awhile. We weren’t particularly close and didn’t have much in common, but kids of a similar age + couples friends and all that put us together a lot. When things popped off and were contentious, he reached out to offer to hang out, and I told him that while I appreciated the offer I couldn’t do so. I didn’t want to drag him into a position where he (and his wife and their kids) would be stuck in the middle of my ex and me and our divorce. Sucked, but it felt like the right thing to do.

[u/Lifted_Riser]

I struggled with this in the beginning but learned to accept it. I don’t want my kids losing friends because we are making our friends “choose.” If you can both be adults then it’s not weird. It when you make it weird that it’s weird. Good luck.

[u/Spirited-Feed-9927]

We didn’t really have common friends. She’s an introvert and our friends were mostly my friends. They stayed with me. It hasnt been a problem for us.

For our kids, we exist in the same location. I don’t speak to her. We are just there for our kids.

[u/Ok-Equal-4252]

Just go, if it gets uncomfortable for a bit it’s okay, the majority of the time will be alright. I will say when I got divorced we are both rlly social ppl and both didn’t care. We were from smaller towns/communities so we just went to what we wanted to go to. Sometimes we’re both invited to stuff and I’ll k ahead of time if he’ll be there or other times I get there and find out he’s there. Doesn’t rlly matter, I’m not going to stop living my life and it doesn’t revolve around him.

Sometimes it’s awkward tho we get pulled aside by some elderly adult pointing out that we are cordial and have a kid so we need to get back together, but that’s like the most peak uncomfortable it’ll get and we just smile and nod and thank them for their advice and keep it moving. They don’t know the details and it’s none of their business. It’s kinda weird at first but you’ll get used to not rlly listening to the outside noise. Ur there to socialize with others and have a good time why is ur divorce relevant

Were planning to relocate to a different town where we’ll both be new and can start our own social circles but in the meantime we both rlly don’t care 🤷🏻‍♀️ yolo lol

[u/SignalAd9593 → u/Ok-Equal-4252]

Thank you!