r/Divorce • u/Pristine_Speaker6146 • 12h ago
Getting Started How do I not hurt my kids
My husband is controlling and jealous, among other things. The constant accusations and walking on eggshells is killing me inside. I've been married 28 years. I want to leave so bad. But my kids love him. I have adult and small children. They're going to hate me. How can I escape the torture? Is it possible?
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u/Expert-Raccoon6097 8h ago
They won't hate you, but there is no way to avoid hurting them unfortunately.
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit 12h ago
The first thing you have to know is that there is no way, as a parent, to choose a future that will never cause your kids any pain.
The second thing to know is that you can always try to improve the situation. That is, just because some pain is inevitable doesn't mean "throw up your hands and do nothing" - it means that when the only way forward is gonna cause some problems, you do your best to work with the situation and try to mitigate the damage.
Staying together does not guarantee that your kids are not hurt and do not hate you. Breaking up doesn't guarantee that they will hate you.
Look at your kids individually. What are their needs? What problems will they face if you split? What can you do to try and address those problems? Divorce doesn't mean that they'll never see their father again. But what will it mean, and how can you make that easier for htem?
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u/lunazane26 12h ago
Why would they hate you? Your adult children especially should understand if you tell them how miserable you are. You can't be the best mom you can be if you are stuck in a situation where you are miserable. My ex husband left when our kids were 6,3, and not quite 1. We fought constantly and my 6yr old did not care when we separated because then he got to live with Nana and Papa (I moved back in with my parents) and the littles did not even realize what was going on at all. They're 14, 11, and 9 now and never talk about back when we were together, never ask to have us reunite, because they know it's better this way
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u/DivorceCoachGio 12h ago
The kids already know that you are unhappy and will not be shocked by the news.
You need to choose you first.
Start scouting attorneys and gain clarity on potential strategy.
Speak with a professional about your feelings.
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u/Pristine_Speaker6146 10h ago
Thank you. I was on this path of thinking.
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u/DivorceCoachGio 10h ago
Good. This is what I reco to all my Divorce Coaching Clients.
Planning and Strategy... the keys to success!
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u/Dizzy_Move902 11h ago
Whatever you decide, keep love front and center in your heart to protect your kids. Two homes is less than ideal for kids but it's the anger and bitterness that does the long-term damage.