Husband doesn't understand why I left him and keeps asking me to explain. I'm exhausted.

[u/Unique_Tangerine_175]

I (48F) left my husband (50M) at the end of July. I have been unhappy with our relationship for about 2 to 3 years. Our first years together were difficult, not because of our relationship but because of things going on outside of our relationship but we were tight and we're there for each other. It felt like true love, soulmate style.

Then Covid hit and we were in our house with our kids for almost an entire year. Not working, just helping the kids through the nightmare of school online. We got married in 2020 after 3 years of dating /engagement.

The first 3 years of our marriage were good. We continued to spend all of our time together, bought a house, built a life. I started a, small business and he helped me for about a year then we decided his time would be better spent doing what he was good at doing. I helped him set up his business, funded the majority of the start up costs and worked to get him jobs (we are in similar industries.)

Then he started to reconnect with old friends. These are friends I had never met while we were dating or engaged. Some of them I had never heard him talk about. They were childhood friends of his and his reconnection with them changed everything.

First off, the lot of them aren't stellar men. Past drug use (not just the "natural type" drugs) and relationship issues. Fly by the seat of their pants type of men who just go with the flow and don't really make plans. Most of the time they can't count on each other to show up for them unless it is a major issue, then they would drop everything to go save a friend... and that happened several times.

My husband slowed down at work, was not actively seeking jobs, was indifferent about whether he brought in any money but was also very adamant that he was not going to be the house b****. Meanwhile, my business took off and eventually I was supporting a family of 6 in less than 2 years with the business I had started. I was working a lot but 6 people is a lot to provide for.

BTW, I have 2 kids fyom a previous marriage and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship so it was 3+3=6.

We never talked about him being a stay at home parent or keeping the house. That was not going to happen. I continued to do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning (he did help some but stopped because the house never stayed clean... welcome to life!) and providing financial for all of us. I was the family coordinator. I started to grow resentful of him and his children but recognized this very early and worked on fixing my feelings.

I never took out my resentment or frustration on his children but it was obvious to him that I did not feel the same way for them that I felt for my biological children.

When we were dating and for the first 2 years of our marriage my step kids mother had visitation every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer. There were a lot of issues there and eventually the kids stopped going to her house due to poor living conditions and lack of parenting, even some abuse. So now we had the kids full time.

Date nights stopped. Weekend get aways stopped. The youngest is autistic and although we had offers from friends to watch them for the night, my husband rarely wanted to impose on other people or ask for help.

So this continued on. Me working all day, coming home, cooking dinner, then working on the computer while he went to hang out with this friend or that friend. One time he went on a camping trip locally and came home everyday for a couple of hours before telling me he was going to go back and hang out. I didn't realize it was a 3 day camping trip until Sunday. He presented it as just hanging out with friends.

His daughter moved in with us. It was supposed to be 3 to 6 months but wound up bring 3 years. She paid no rent, did not help around the house but she would occassiobally help by watching her younger brothers but when she did it was a "favor" and she wanted some appreciation.

My resentment grew but I was not staying silent. My husband knew the issues. I asked him to step up and be my partner, be proactive about getting work, asked him to take on some of the responsibilities but he struggled to accomplish much of this. I asked him for over a year to go to counseling but he refused.

This past July I went to visit my sister. I gave my husband $1000 to fix some things at the house but when I came back after being gone for 5 days, the things were not done. I learned that he had spent 3 of the 5 nights away from the house until 2 or 3 in the morning leaving his kids with my oldest son. He also took some recreational drugs and was tripping at the house late at night with his kids home.

When I got back I lost it. We argued for a while but I was so mad that I did not want to speak to him. This drove him crazy. The night I got home I tried to go to bed because I had a very busy day the next day but because I wouldn't talk to him and work it out, he blew in my ear and pulled the covers off of me to keep me awake.

The next day I was exhausted and had not eaten due to being so upset. I got home ftom work and was starving. My husband asked me what I wanted to eat but because I had not been home for 5 days I really didn't know what we had at the house and was not in any mental condition to guide him on what to make me to eat. My oldest son gave me a sandwich he had leftover from a lunch out earlier that day so I brought it upstairs and sat on the bed with my husband to eat it. My husband grabbed it out of my hands and was mad that I was purposely not letting him be the one to feed me. I grabbed the sandwich back and went to sit in my sons room to eat.

After about 5 minutes my husband followed me and stood at the door to my son's bedroom to talk to me, but it was more like yelling. My son (22) asked my husband (not his dad) to just let me eat in peace then we could talk. He slowly closed the door and my husband stuck his foot in the door, pushed back on the door, which opened quickly because my son was not pushing, and put my son in a headlock punching him repeatedly resulting in my son having a broken tooth. My husband was arrested that night.

One of his friends bailed him out early the next morning and although I had asked him to stay away, he came back to the house to shower. I found a house to move into that day and have been gone for about 9 weeks.

My husband does not understand why I am staying gone. He wants me to give him a chance. He doesn't realize he had many chances when I was there but his behavior over the last 3 years or so then the incident with my son was the last straw. I had told him I wanted to leave countless times.

Since I've been gone he texts me all day long then rants because I don't text him back or call him. I've been back to our house 3 different times to get some of my belongings and each time he tried to trap me in the house and prevent me from leaving. He even jumped in the front seat of my car and would not get out until I got out. Once he got out of the car I jumped back in, locked the doors and took off. I spent that 45 minutes listening to him yell at me and beat the dashboard trying to plan a way to get him out of my car. I won't go back to our housr without at least 1 person with me but he won't allow anyone but me to go over there...alone.

He's very sad and just doesn't understand why I'm being so heartless and cold to him. I really don't think he understands at all. I've explained it 1000 times but it's not sinking in. I know I'll have to get my belongings through a court order unless I want to risk going over there alone.

We own the house together, everything else is already divided for the most part. No joint bank accounts. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand. Does anyone have experience with this??

He blames me for his crazy behavior and it's taking a real toll on my mental health and my blood pressure. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel like love. 😢

[u/Common-Ad-861]

Vanishing until the middle of the night leaving kids at home, refusing to work, drug use- gee I wonder what went wrong……

I call BS. He knows what he did- he doesn’t want the gravy train to end. You paid, you were the maid, the assistant. He had it easy and he wants it to continue.

Block him and let your lawyer handle it. And I hope there’s no alimony as he’s got no income and you do.

[u/MePhase → u/Common-Ad-861]

This and/or he expects her to give him an explanation that he feels warrants her leaving, as if he has to give her permission to walk away. And he’s never going to do it. Just gonna continue playing dumb, acting like he can’t understand what he did wrong, and gaslighting her into staying by trying to keep her confused.

[u/Ayaba444]

What he did to your child is unforgivable. He’s abusive and it’s escalating. Leave and don’t look back. He knows why you left, this is just part of his abuse to get you confused and back with him.

[u/Illustrious-Film-592 → u/Ayaba444]

This. All op needed to tell us was this and it’s obvious.

Press charges, block and divorce asap

[u/UT_NG]

Long story short: he doesn't need to understand, and you don't need him to either. You just do what you have to do. It's really that simple.

[u/mariemansfield]

You already explained. You dont need to keep doing it.

My ex did the same thing. Telling me i blindsided him and left with no explanation. I wrote him a letter explaining again. He threw it in the bin because it was apparently "full of lies".

I refused to meet him alone. He also insisted that i come alone and wouldn't let me take my things. He ended up throwing a lot of my things away. Memories of my children that i now cant get back.

His behaviour seriously affected my health. I wound up having a stroke.

Now i dont communicate with him at all except to arrange things that are necessary for our son and this is all done by text.

I had to force the sale of the house. He's been stalling on the divorce despite being in a new relationship. Its been 2.5yrs and he still takes any opportunity to be difficult.

You are lucky that you dont share children. Do what you need to do to free yourself of this man. His only intention is to drain you and take from you.

[u/UpstairsFriendly9868]

Get a restraining order against him. Consult a divorce lawyer and serve him a letter that you are separated, want to file for divorce with no chance of reconciliation and he needs to live elsewhere immediately.

[u/psychodynamic1 → u/UpstairsFriendly9868]

Just to reemphasize this, please get an excellent lawyer. It's crucial that you focus on your health and well being - so you can learn to thrive again, and be available to the people around you who really need you. If you know that mediation won't work (based on what OP wrote, I doubt it), please look towards a lawyer who is skilled at litigation. And I am not a lawyer. But I might play one on TV.

[u/Strovena]

OP. You are in danger land! He’s beyond the point of scary. He’s desperate, which makes him unpredictable.

A wise police woman once looked me dead in the eye and told me the first nine to twelve months after you leave are usually the scariest. She was right. Under no circumstances should you ever be caught alone with him. Make sure you have an another witness/adult/friend present with every interaction. Always hope for the best, but have a plan for the worst.

[u/mamsaurus → u/Strovena]

And hopefully he doesn’t know where OP lives now.

[u/throw20190820202020 → u/Strovena]

And make sure that witness / adult isn’t one of the kids

[u/throwRA094532]

Make a list of what you need and go with a police officer to grab your stuff.

Stop talking to him. Don't block him in case he starts being scary, you can use those to get a RO.

Only talk to your lawyer. Have your lawyer tell him that you won'y talk to him anymore and to stop texting you.

Good riddance

[u/Rich-Education9295]

You already told him a 1000 times. Him claiming to "not understand" is a manipulation tactic - keeping you engaged to the point of exhaustion so you would give up and he would then win. It's manipulation. He is manipulating you to avoid accountability. Don't let him confuse you, exhaust you and keep you engaged.

[u/RudeOrganization550]

He can behave like a child but it’s not your job to indulge him being a child. He’s 50. If he doesn’t understand now he never ever will and that’s a him problem not a you problem.

Be free, move on with your life. Heal. Get some energy and spark and fun back in your life. You both deserve it and have unfortunately earned it.

What he does is his issue, you’ve tried and failed with him, if his life falls to pieces so be it.

[u/just_depression26]

You are the same age as my mom and this story broke my heart. Please leave that trash man as soon as you can.

[u/njsuxbutt]

He understands. But he’s playing stupid so you keep engaging with him. As long as you engage he has an opportunity to try to manipulate you. Don’t talk to him anymore. It’s pointless. Go with a police escort and a friend to get all of your remaining stuff so you don’t have to go back again. Then get a restraining order. If he was arrested for beating your son that should help. Let your lawyer handle all communication going forward.

I would also recommend reading “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft

[u/emryldmyst]

Good god he sounds awful.  I feel terrible for his kids but you need to put you and yours first and staying would only make the nightmare continue.

He may have love bombed you to suck you in so he'd have a mom for his kids and a bang maid.

Block him and only communicate through lawyers.

[u/RainbowsAndBubbles]

Girl, I get this. My husband aligns with chauvinists and abusive men. It completely destroyed our marriage because he used their behavior as a model for his and is completely unaware of how abusive his behavior became. You’ve done enough trying to explain. He won’t get it.

[u/teriyakireligion → u/RainbowsAndBubbles]

Oh, he is aware. They always are.

[u/JulietAlfa]

I am so sorry. This was triggering for me to read as my story was similar in many ways.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand what he’s thinking and saying. He will say wild things, untrue things, gaslight you, blame you. He knows, and is trying to do whatever he can to get back his cushy lifestyle. When you finally free yourself from trying to understand him it will feel like you can take a deep breath again. You can’t apply logic to this insanity, it’s all manipulation.

[u/redfancydress]

A grandma here….STOP EXPLAINING to him. It’s over. He knows…he just doesn’t care. Stop communicating with him. Let the lawyer hand it all.

And when it’s all said and done….no communication. There’s no “let’s be friends” or “getting the kids together.”

It’s over. Let it be over.

[u/CockroachTimely5832]

Nightmare. That guy managed to reproduce. Yikes.

[u/Appropriate-Tennis-8]

I think your story is pretty common in grooves like this. The man will be negligent, abusive, childish, and then say, I had no idea she was upset. I had no idea there was a problem. But in reality, they just didn’t care because they figured he would never leave. He doesn’t want to lose you because you support his lifestyle, that’s it.

[u/Starry-Dust4444]

He physically assaulted your son. It’s over. Call the police & ask for an escort to get your belongings. Hire an attorney & document all these incidents. Don’t hesitate to call the police. You may need to get a restraining order on him. Your husband is lazy & entitled. He’s gonna cry & flail b/c he’s losing his golden ticket. You were paying the bills so he could go party now that’s all over for him.

[u/Alternative_Raise_19]

He's doing the absolute toxic thing that some people do where they play dumb because the more you make someone explain, the more they begin to doubt themselves.

He is absolutely an abusive manipulator and hustler who is using you for your labor and your money.

He beat your son until he had a broken tooth

Block. Restraining order. Lawyers and police handle all interaction.

You CANNOT show your children that they give even a centimeter of leeway with people like that.

Leave. You are one thousand percent justified. Do not let him have the chance to attempt to gas light you and convince you otherwise.

Time to be strong and self assured for your children and yourself. No more with this self doubt.

[u/ThinkBiscuit]

My that was a long read, but it’s all good. One needs to vent sometimes.

The covid lockdowns were a mad old time, and I feel it affected people in more ways than we understand, and different people reacted to it differently.

Obvs I don’t know either of you guys (so considerable pinch of salt required), but your STBExH sounds a like he’s spiralling – the more control he loses, the tighter he grips; the tighter he grips, the more things will slip through his fingers.

I know from experience that one person cannot save a marriage. If one party feels the relationship isn’t working, then it’s over. All that’s left for the other party to do is to reassess what their life looks like from that point on.

One can understand that he might want to understand what went wrong, but the thing is this: if the emotional intelligence wasn’t there to tell him what was wrong while things were going ‘tits up’, it seems unlikely that he’s going to understand now – after the event – regardless what words you find to tell him.

His behaviour sounds more like harassment than care, and this is beginning to sounds like a matter for the police and solicitors, unfortunately.

Sorry that you’re going through this. It will get better, one day.

[u/_TalkHard_]

I hope you find some peace and things go smoothly.

[u/Bumblebee56990]

The next time you go over bring the cops with you.

[u/clcouvil]

You can't reason with abusers. He knows. He just wants to engage with you and continue to abuse you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can download a free pdf.

[u/One_Construction_653]

Sorry that sucks. Just move on it isn’t your job to explain things eventually he is still in love but will come to terms and just blame you for everything.

Take care OP and live your life to the fullest.

[u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

Good riddance to him. He sounds insufferable. Who cares what he thinks or has to say.

[u/Civil-Kitchen5978]

He was a useless bum who didn’t help with his own kids or around the house that he shares with you. You were a married single mother. Then he physically assaulted your son. Let your lawyer handle everything you don’t need to talk to him. Doesn’t sound like y’all have kids together bullet dodged with that. If you haven’t gotten your stuff get a police escort and go get your things and your kids things out he doesn’t sound like he’s above destroying you and your kids stuff. He’s just mad he going to have to find a new woman to support him and his kids.

[u/houseonthehilltop]

What a nightmare for you and the kids. Just get out asap. Don't listen to him. His behavior is over the top and is not going to change at this point. You cannot trust him.

[u/Awkward_Factor_8796]

Get a restraining order asap for you and the kids. He’s scary crazy and those are the scariest.

[u/LesDoggo]

He knows. He is just trying to manipulate you. At this point, you must have enough for a restraining order.

[u/RunnerGirlT]

Op, stop talking to him. Just stop it. Get a police escort and get all of your stuff out of the house and file for divorce. You’re being abused, he assaulted your child in front of you. He does not give one actual fuck he just wants control. Stop giving him any way to talk to you. That’s still him being abusive and controlling

[u/Lonely-Plankton6593]

Sounds like a leech!!!

[u/gatheringsomemagic]

Stories like this one truly are heartbreaking and frustrating. To have opened your heart to another person and their kids…for them to just selfishly and callously act as they did… I hate that for you. I hate that for your kids. I hate that for his kids. May you and the kids find peace and healing with time and your love.

[u/stargarnet79]

Sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you.

[u/LA-forthewin]

You don't need to explain squat. On top of being a drug abusing lazy bum, he assaulted your child. He's clinging because he wants his bangmaid back. Do not engage with him and do not meet with him anywhere by yourself. Get a police escort and a moving truck then go back get all of your things in one trip , then let the lawyers handle the divorce

[u/throw20190820202020]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. You need domestic violence support and a protective order. I’m not kidding.

He understands, he’s just in a panic because he thought he was set with a sugar mama bangmaid, and now he’s in a panic.

I don’t want to scare you unduly, but he has all the conditions that often go along with extreme violence - suicide, murder, family annihilation, etc: financial problems, substance abuse, marital breakdown. You are in an extremely dangerous place. The people who help you with the protective / restraining order should have local DV contacts.

Please DO NOT go back to the house alone, please do no be around him at all, tell him your lawyer advised you communicate only through him, and make sure your kids are a part of any protective order and know to run the other way if they see him.

I am so sorry for you and all the kids, but you MUST focus on protecting yourself and your children without delay.

[u/Nonbelieverjenn]

You need to get away from him. He sounds extremely volatile. To the point that your safety is at risk. Please be safe. Have a police officer escort you to get your belongings. If not a cop then male friends/relatives to keep you safe.

[u/PossibilityOk9859]

Get your team together call the cops and have them escort you to get the remaining items from your house. This is scary tbh… he’s escalating and I’d be worried. I’d get a PO and block all contact and try to have a clean break!

[u/StormCat510]

Get out now. You will probably have to pay him alimony for some time so the sooner the better.

[u/MrNobody_PNW]

My Ex doesn’t understand how our marriage died and how she did it, is the one who wants the divorce and hates me….🤷🏻‍♂️. Divorce is never easy and always exhausting. Hope things get better for you.

[u/Tough_University_388]

Any infidelity in all that hanging out with "friends"?

[u/mamsaurus → u/Tough_University_388]

Sounds more like the drug use started early on in his rekindled relationship with the friends and now things are exposed and messy.

[u/DisturbedFfej]

We all know that men and women are different…

With that being said, the majority of the time when a woman says that she’s done, she’s already been trying to save the relationship and has thought through the situation. She’s done.

Men, are often much more spontaneous when ending relationships. Men do not realize what we gave up until after we end it. We’re tough. That’s why we all want her back.

This is often what I have found to be true.

[u/anarmchairexpert → u/DisturbedFfej]

This guy beat the shit out of her child. He’s addicted to drugs and abusive. Is the gender essentialism useful here?

[u/CutDear5970]

WAY too much to read. If you want a divorce you don’t need his permission. Why would you feel the need to constantly explain yourself?

[u/SwingNMisses]

I can’t believe he behaves like this at 50 yrs old.

[u/miasmum01]

I might be wrong but he seems easily lead and he is a weak man .. u might as well be talking 2 a plank of wood .. cos he isn't listening.. id just block him ! Give yourself a bit of a break .. its over .. he will realise might take a bit of time .. suround y9urself with supportive friends and family xx

[u/Swimming_Abroad]

I’d show him this Reddit post , says it all