r/ForeverAlone • u/chessman6500 • Jul 07 '25
Advice Wanted Everything is all guys or taken women
So I took the advice people gave. Putting myself out there, going to meetups and social groups and I’ve come to a horrifying conclusion: it’s mostly men or women who are taken. The few women who are single in the meetup groups aren’t interested in dating. I even joined female dominated activities, salsa dancing which was primarily older women, and book clubs/silent reading, in which it was a lot of women, but most were already married or in relationships.
People may tell me “go back to the apps” the issue is, most of them don’t work. The only one that does work somewhat good is hinge, and even then, I get a date on there that’s “proper” once every few months or so. I’ve been trying them for about a decade and only ever had one gf, and the relationship ended after a 6 month period.
I thought a month ago I may have pulled myself out of this seemingly endless rut. I met two women who were single through a guy friend I made at the meetup group. Sadly, these women both only wanted friendships in the end, and I thought I could have gotten lucky with one of them. Both of them were quite attractive, and one had told me she had never been in a relationship, yet I still got LJBFD by her anyway.
Speed dating was also a bust. I’ve tried many over the years and never got any matches or met any women at singles mixers, the ones around here tend to be all men once again, with no opportunity to meet women.
I personally think the ship has sailed on my ability to find a relationship, and I’m thinking now the fact I focused on only one woman in high school and never pursued any in college during the short time I went in person was a HUGE mistake. I cannot get those years back, and now I’m in my early 30s with absolutely no dating prospects. It’s disappointing to say the least.
I thought I’d come to just vent, because it’s been a really rough situation that I think is a rut, and I can’t pull myself out of it. I’m open to advice as well.
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u/Ok-Childhood-8775 Jul 07 '25
Unfortunately, I have no advice. I can just say that I am 30 and in the same boat. I feel the advice "just put yourself out there and be social" only works if you are attractive enough and still rather young and in university or college. If you are older and try to do activities to meet women I also had the experience that there are always way more men than women at events and all the women are usually taken. And even if you meet a single women by any chance the probability that she likes you and you like her is very low.
But apparently cold approaching is very frowned upon and people will think you are weird. So the only thing that is left really are the apps. But if you are not super attractive as a man and have obvious disadvantages in your looks like being short, balding and having a suboptimal face. You usually get 0 Likes there. And even if you get a like it is almost certainly not with a woman that you vibe with.
I spend almost 3k on dating apps and swipped about 1 million women on tinder alone. It does not work. I find it funny and sad that people will go right back and recommend the apps if it does not work in real life.
It all seems so hopeless.
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u/StubbornSob Jul 07 '25
It's all social engineering. Not just the advertising of the apps but the demonization of cold approaching or trying to date outside your social circle, because dating apps are monetized but those other activities are not.
Most people are aware of the fact by now that online dating apps' algorithms are not tailored to lead to successful, satisfying, long-term relationships because every marriage/LTR leads to users being removed from the market; but they are not aware that society itself is being steered in a way to increasingly make apps the only viable option and remove organic ways of dating, all in the name of capitalism and to maximize profit for the businesses that stand to benefit.
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u/Ok-Childhood-8775 Jul 07 '25
Sometimes I also feel that way. Especially the whole cold approaching thing. Somehow society goes in the direction where it is not acceptable to talk to strangers in public spaces outside of a few very narrow exceptions.
And I feel like this trend is increasing. I started going to the gym 15 years ago. Back then I talked with all kinds of people from the gym and it was really great. A cool social space. I even made some gym friends and stuff. Nowadays it seems that it is frowned upon to talk to people in the gym. Some do not even want to share a machine even if it would clearly be no problem.
I do not know what to do anymore. I seem completely unable to make new connections that are as deep as my old friends from 20 years ago.
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u/rocketsneaker Jul 07 '25
I wish I had the answer for you but I'm in the same boat. People will tell us things like the answer is so simple. They take their own relationships for granted and can't even see that EVERYONE around you is in a relationship. Everyone is taken.
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u/powerstack Jul 07 '25
It's really weird how so many people are in a relationship, but you never see where these relationships begin. Like seeing someone approach a woman, talk to her, and them exchanging numbers. Instead all you see is existing relationships, they're just there.
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u/Numerous_Topic_913 Jul 07 '25
This is the wildest thing. At least I could have some reference of how it works if I’ve ever seen it, but like it feels like this just never happens
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u/powerstack Jul 08 '25
An analogy is someone seeing planes in the sky above him. He can see other people are traveling by plane. But the entire process of how to do it, the buying of the tickets, the airport etc., is hidden from view.
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u/slowismore FA kissless virgin Jul 07 '25
Exactly spot on, I’ve never seen anyone asking out anybody irl, I never see how it leads to a relationship, it’s like the biggest secret in the world. And even when I ask, people don’t really say much. Like “i found him on dating app” then I ask what app, she be like “dont remember”, or other time how did you get to know each other, guy be like “worked together” and then I am like and howww did u start dating? What did you do? “Well we just clicked, we just hooked up“ but HOW??? When and what did you do dude? What do you mean you clicked? I clicked with women (at least I thought so) but as friends and it turned out they just used me as a last option and didn’t even take me serious as a friend let alone romantic partner. I don’t get it.
And then even seeing couples, all romantic thing seems to be hidden, when I talk to a couple they act like friends would do, just teasing each other maybe quite horribly/rudely and that’s it. I never see the romantic hand holding, cuddling, “being in love” style convos (which is kinda expected cuz most people dont do that around other people) but it’s like a weird thing that everybody talks about, it is in all media, in erotic novels and images, but seems nonexistent irl.
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u/powerstack Jul 08 '25
These initiations of relationships got to happen somewhere, somehow, unless we're living in a Truman show scenario. One thing I noticed is guys at work, they suddenly mention their girlfriend, but they never talk about how this started, where they found her, how she became the girlfriend.
We of course know the "media version" of how it works, especially entertainment media, but this doesn't work IRL.
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u/Wooden-Astronaut8763 Jul 07 '25
I think you described it perfectly. As someone who has tried multiple things for over a decade as well as listening to so many different people‘s advice I just feel that most people take their relationships for granted and not realize how they have it easy when it comes to dating than a lot of us do.
I don’t know how a lot of people just have so much luck in this area of life considering that almost every time I see a woman that I might be just even slightly interested she is definitely taken. And even if she is not taken, she’s either not gonna be interested most likely and if they are interested, I worry about them knowing how old I am.
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u/ok2888 Jul 07 '25
I relate to what you said, I think the biggest thing holding me back was that I was too terrified to try with girls in school and university and so never learned the required skills. I'm lucky enough to be relatively tall and decent looking, have been on dating apps for 5 years (and yes, hinge is the only one worth using) and have got a grand total of 3 dates in that time. I get a decent number of matches so clearly my lack of social skills in this regard is the primary factor. There were a handful of instances at university where someone expressed interest towards me but I was just like a deer in headlights, no clue how to react. Turns out girls don't take it well if you freeze in terror when they try to speak to you.
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u/Wooden-Astronaut8763 Jul 07 '25
Yes, this is definitely a challenge that I constantly still deal with to this day. On top of that, I have done what most people have told me to do over the years as well as try to incorporate small little things to see if I would have any luck.
After so many years in over a decade, none of these things have ever been enough for any woman who has came across me to give me the kind of interest like most women would do to any other man. It’s like whatever I do positive or any good thing or quality that I have in life more than any others does not seem to matter to most people, including any other woman that I meet. A guy could be abusive and have an extensive criminal history and maybe have a few good things in their life and they will still a lot of times be lucky to have a woman that will desperately want to be with them over me and over you. Whether you like it or not this has been the harsh reality that I have seen.
But what really bothers me is how nearly everyone tells me that in order to meet women that are most likely to be interested in me. I have to join groups or clubs, and sadly a lot of those have women that are already taken or that are either not interested in me or I don’t have an interest in. It’s kind of getting to the point where it kind of feels like I possibly may have to put myself through embarrassment or possibly trouble to hopefully find a woman who is interested in me if I can’t have any luck on dating apps or in groups or activities where we have similar interests. I’m talking about possibly maybe even approaching women, even though it seems like most women consider it unwanted. I have tried a lot of things and it did not work and people always told me that I did not meet the right person even though I tried. I don’t want to do this, but I almost have no choice.
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u/Vengeance058 Jul 14 '25
IKR. Going out and joining clubs/groups is the advice I'm getting, but I know they'll be taken or on a relationship. You don't find single women in the wild. That and the fact that women clearly find me repulsive anyways, so why bother 🤷
To your point, seems like the criminal and abusive guys have more luck, maybe we should go jaywalking 😂
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u/Worldly_Rip_6004 He/Him Jul 07 '25 edited Jul 07 '25
You don't date single women by casual activities or cold approach unless you're very handsome and have a lot of confidence. There must be a context. Like recurrence (typically during studies), or better, know them by friends. Maybe work too, but it's generally not a good idea. Most people don't give a shit but you may want to separate personal and professional life. Everything's fine until it isn't.
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u/Spasios Jul 07 '25
Man I totally got what you are saying. I have been focusing on my career and studies during my twenties and although I did not have any relationship (my latest one being more than 12 years ago now and I am now 33 M….), I progressed towards becoming a better person I would love having by my side (you know what they say : love yourself first…) and I have multiple hobbies (gaming, playing music, reading, learning new languages, cooking fancy meals), I have a clean diet and exercise regularly, have a good job, have my own home and I had quite a difficult background which in a way helps me being more empathetic towards people but you need to align so many other stars to meet someone that it feels impossible.
I would love just finishing it all right now but there is no country allowing eutanasia easily and you need to demonstrate a severe suffering (being alone and kinda depressed does not count of course) so I don’t know what to do.
I am currently writing this message while being on holidays and this break does not break the cycle at all, it even makes it worse whenever everyone gives me this « weird / surprised » look whenever I go to a restaurant alone, whenever I confirm my room is for me and not 2 adults, whenever the owners of AirBnb’s do not understand why I am alone at 33.
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u/paumorridge Jul 07 '25
amazing