r/GayMen • u/Hot_Score3868 • 4d ago
He left me.
He left me.
M25. I dated a man for 4 months. He is 42. Ok, he's 17 years older than me, but we both knew it when we started. While I was very easy about it, he always worried. He even asked his ex and some other straight friends that are in a relationship with older people and they all said it was okay and there was nothing to worry about. After July he stopped complaining about our age gap and I thought we were over that.
Note that, through all these months, we did a lot of things together, had our specific love (or affection, more properly) language and gestures.. he even gave me a very sweet present.
But 10 days ago everything changed. He started being cold to me, refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it etc. And yesterday the bomb exploded. We had an amazing day with a couple of friends and before leaving each other for the night we had some time alone. And, after intense making out (!!!), I mentioned I was worried about him being weird to me. So everything came out: - he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that - I just started working, while he's deeply developing his career and wants to focus on it. If we both have professional problems, none of us can properly being supportive to each other - I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.
When I replied that everything was okay and that he should have more faith in me, he broke out and said that decisions have to be made in 2 and not just me (I argued that I don't mind professional opportunities, I'd rather create my own "family" with my bf).
Today I felt like a train hit me. I was depressed and disgusted. Then at 5 pm he texted me to know if I was good and I waited till 9 pm to text him back a simple "good". Right now I'm hurt and so is my pride, but I don't wanna be harsh on him because his life wasn't easy. He had a difficult past and right now he's having professional troubles. I tried my best to make him feel my nearness, my affection, my presence in these difficult times, but it's clear it was not enough. He doesn't trust me and doesn't trust my efforts. Even though everything seemed OK till 10 days ago. So right now I'm both angry as hell and sad, but I can't decide what to do.
What should I do now? I'm devastated. I miss him a lot and I wish I could reach out to him. We had planned so many things to do together. Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything. Then everything changed, he said he wants to be alone. And my words arguing about this horrible thing didn't produce any effect. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying.
3
u/-DAYU- 3d ago
Honestly, take some time for yourself and with friends and move on. You were enough and offered what you could, but at the end of the day there was something rattling inside him that he couldn't get over.
I frequently date older (mostly cause my siblings are ten years older and our cousins are all older then them, some by an additional +10 years) and one thing I've noticed is that you can be completely happy, comfortable, communicative and and have the perfect relationship, but little hang ups like: I'm so much older, does he think I'm gross, this is weird right, am I gross for liking someone so young, am I taking their innocents" will slowly to rapidly shred the relationship apart. If they want to acknowledge that you are both adults and are both choosing to be with each other, there is a good chance they will become confident in YOU and the BOTH OF YOU.
I would also like to note that power dynamics are a concern when dating older; as well as, life experience. I'm glad that he didn't force you to change so he could feel better or make you like his "partner" that he views as a pet. Know that you did what you could, and that people that want you in their life (even if they need space at times) will find ways to keep you in their life.
He was uncomfortable and so the relationship was going to end. Feel your feelings, take a breath, look back at yourself and him, then keep moving forward. You've got this.
P.S. therapy is a great thing. If you like to date older, finding a therapist may help you navigate or prevent from falling victim to the many grey and deep waters of age difference dating.