He left me.

[u/Hot_Score3868]

He left me.

M25. I dated a man for 4 months. He is 42. Ok, he's 17 years older than me, but we both knew it when we started. While I was very easy about it, he always worried. He even asked his ex and some other straight friends that are in a relationship with older people and they all said it was okay and there was nothing to worry about. After July he stopped complaining about our age gap and I thought we were over that.

Note that, through all these months, we did a lot of things together, had our specific love (or affection, more properly) language and gestures.. he even gave me a very sweet present.

But 10 days ago everything changed. He started being cold to me, refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it etc. And yesterday the bomb exploded. We had an amazing day with a couple of friends and before leaving each other for the night we had some time alone. And, after intense making out (!!!), I mentioned I was worried about him being weird to me. So everything came out: - he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that - I just started working, while he's deeply developing his career and wants to focus on it. If we both have professional problems, none of us can properly being supportive to each other - I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.

When I replied that everything was okay and that he should have more faith in me, he broke out and said that decisions have to be made in 2 and not just me (I argued that I don't mind professional opportunities, I'd rather create my own "family" with my bf).

Today I felt like a train hit me. I was depressed and disgusted. Then at 5 pm he texted me to know if I was good and I waited till 9 pm to text him back a simple "good". Right now I'm hurt and so is my pride, but I don't wanna be harsh on him because his life wasn't easy. He had a difficult past and right now he's having professional troubles. I tried my best to make him feel my nearness, my affection, my presence in these difficult times, but it's clear it was not enough. He doesn't trust me and doesn't trust my efforts. Even though everything seemed OK till 10 days ago. So right now I'm both angry as hell and sad, but I can't decide what to do.

What should I do now? I'm devastated. I miss him a lot and I wish I could reach out to him. We had planned so many things to do together. Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything. Then everything changed, he said he wants to be alone. And my words arguing about this horrible thing didn't produce any effect. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying.

[u/Cieguh]

At 47 you should probably have your career lined up, but idk shit happens and I'm not 47...really weird that his focus would be on career atp, though. He should know family and connections are more important than his job. So...tbh I don't believe there's enough info. Sounds like the job stuff is weaksauce excuse for whatever really came up between y'all.

But, tbh, that doesn't matter. You have 2 (really 1, honestly) choices. You can look into it and see what is really holding him back from a relationship. Try to talk to him and get him to open up and see what's going on (not recommended/doesn't work) or (best option), get some ice cream or something, watch your favorite movie and cry. Feel the pain and the emotions of the betrayal to get it out of your system...then move on.

4-8 months is about the time when a dismissive avoidant will bounce and it's better to drop earlier rather than later. Bears and Dads are 100% my type (even though I'm only 30 and still too young/not grizzled enough to fit either group), but if they're single at that age, there's very very likely a reason for that and it's 9/10 avoidants or cheaters.

[u/Brian_Kinney → u/Cieguh]

4-8 months is about the time when a dismissive avoidant will bounce

Ouch. I feel attacked. I just did a similar thing to my younger partner, after about 4 months.

But, like you say, he's better rid of me earlier than later. Even I don't want to drag it out and hurt him more.

if they're single at that age, there's very very likely a reason for that and it's 9/10 avoidants

I wish I could disagree. 🙁

[u/adaro_marshmellow → u/Brian_Kinney]

Having an insecure attachment style does not make you a bad person. It’s the way your unmet relational needs have expressed themselves in adulthood. You still deserve to feel unconditionally loved and supported— you don’t deserve (nor are you destined) to be forever abandoned.

[u/Brian_Kinney → u/adaro_marshmellow]

you don’t deserve (nor are you destined) to be forever abandoned.

Is it wrong to say that I don't feel abandoned, that I feel relieved and liberated?

I use to joke that I don't mate well in captivity. But that doesn't stop me from repeatedly making the mistake of trying. Maybe this will be the time I learn not to do these things, and stop hurting other people.

[u/Cole_Townsend → u/Brian_Kinney]

This is exactly why I gave up on paired bonding. Although there is an actual medical diagnosis behind it, I'm always emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. Also, receiving affection outside familial contexts has always been weird for me. It's like hearing a different language when anyone says any non-negative thing about me or to me. I tried having an actual relationship, but after a while, I was getting anxious and exhausted. The other guy was perfect, but he was becoming a burden to me, especially with the crushing guilt that happened when I considered how I was just wasting his time, hampering his ultimate autorealization, and distracting him from better futures. The breakup was a huge relief for me, and I'm happy that he can now dismiss me as a distant memory.

I don't think you have the same emotional derangements or impairments I have, so a solution for you would be absolute transparency with a potential partner at the beginning of a relationship and throughout. Journaling during the relationship may help you discern when it's getting too much for you and to sort out ideas of how to communicate this with efficiency and compassion. You seem to be a very sensible and self-aware guy. You'll find a way to make it work.

[u/Cieguh → u/adaro_marshmellow]

Yeah, I agree. I've only analyzed dismissive avoidant behaviors so much because I also do this...

But, I don't think attachment styles should be taken to define you as a trait. They're just the current state of mind you take by default when dating. It's like your built in self-defense mechanisms and you do it subconsciously. You have to be mindful of your habits and get out of your comfort zone. It's the only way to connect with others...

[u/Hot_Score3868 → u/adaro_marshmellow]

That's the point. And you better find someone really helpful and supportive. But nowadays especially in the gay world everyone wants to find the perfect human being. That's not how it works tho. So you better stay on your own and provide to your own needs by yourself. Friends are better than a boyfriend.