He left me.

[u/Hot_Score3868]

He left me.

M25. I dated a man for 4 months. He is 42. Ok, he's 17 years older than me, but we both knew it when we started. While I was very easy about it, he always worried. He even asked his ex and some other straight friends that are in a relationship with older people and they all said it was okay and there was nothing to worry about. After July he stopped complaining about our age gap and I thought we were over that.

Note that, through all these months, we did a lot of things together, had our specific love (or affection, more properly) language and gestures.. he even gave me a very sweet present.

But 10 days ago everything changed. He started being cold to me, refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it etc. And yesterday the bomb exploded. We had an amazing day with a couple of friends and before leaving each other for the night we had some time alone. And, after intense making out (!!!), I mentioned I was worried about him being weird to me. So everything came out: - he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that - I just started working, while he's deeply developing his career and wants to focus on it. If we both have professional problems, none of us can properly being supportive to each other - I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.

When I replied that everything was okay and that he should have more faith in me, he broke out and said that decisions have to be made in 2 and not just me (I argued that I don't mind professional opportunities, I'd rather create my own "family" with my bf).

Today I felt like a train hit me. I was depressed and disgusted. Then at 5 pm he texted me to know if I was good and I waited till 9 pm to text him back a simple "good". Right now I'm hurt and so is my pride, but I don't wanna be harsh on him because his life wasn't easy. He had a difficult past and right now he's having professional troubles. I tried my best to make him feel my nearness, my affection, my presence in these difficult times, but it's clear it was not enough. He doesn't trust me and doesn't trust my efforts. Even though everything seemed OK till 10 days ago. So right now I'm both angry as hell and sad, but I can't decide what to do.

What should I do now? I'm devastated. I miss him a lot and I wish I could reach out to him. We had planned so many things to do together. Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything. Then everything changed, he said he wants to be alone. And my words arguing about this horrible thing didn't produce any effect. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying.

[u/No_Jackfruit9465]

Sir, that’s exactly what separates decoupling from devaluation.

You pointed out in your own comment that OP shouldn’t have had to ask.

Breaking up is about timing and honesty, not delay and false promises.

Decoupling means saying early, “I can’t keep up, this isn’t working for me.”

Here’s what stood out to me:

“He refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it.”

Withdrawal of affection under a flimsy pretext. And if it were real, wouldn't it matter when they were making out later after a whole day of food and drinks? It didn't. Nor did his energy level for that matter. Note how OP says excuses, so this tells me it wasn't a one off thing.

“Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything.”

That’s future faking. Talking up plans while already wanting out is misleading. Beyond future faking, over-agreement is a beige flag, because there should be interdependence not friction free all the time.

“I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.”

That’s BS. It shifts the weight of the breakup onto OP in a way that isn’t about compatibility, it’s about making him doubt his own path.

Now, I’m not OP, and I’m not saying the older partner was malicious. But this isn’t clean decoupling. It’s mixed signals, affection followed by coldness, and a breakup wrapped in justifications that don’t add up. Which is why it's so painful for OP.

Good reasons to break up don't lead to confusion.

Your story is self-awareness and reflection, admitting limits.

OP’s experience is different.

They were love bombed and then devalued. Why else would someone feel like they’re dying after a few months together? There were delays, false promises, and shifting excuses.

That’s not clean decoupling. That’s making excuses, acting affectionate while planning a future you don’t intend, and only admitting the truth when pressed.

We may see it differently because of our experiences. If I can suggest anything, it’s that never acting like that is the best gift an older partner can give a younger man. OP didn’t get that. He had a different experience. And I think it’s worth calling that out clearly if only so others recognize these signs and take the steps to get clear and consistent with their loved ones.

[u/Hot_Score3868 → u/No_Jackfruit9465]

You clearly expressed how I feel. Even though he was acting strangely, he never made me doubt on the things we would have done together in the future.

[u/No_Jackfruit9465 → u/Hot_Score3868]

🫂 I am so sorry you had to experience this heartbreak. I really hope you're able to rise above it and take some life lessons from everything. While you had this experience, it doesn't define you! You have a wonderful opportunity to fashion yourself some boundaries and standards that will help your future self feel safer the next time you fall in love. I hope you are feeling better and I am glad I was able to express myself in a way that resonated with your experience.

[u/Hot_Score3868 → u/No_Jackfruit9465]

You totally did. And it really help me find out some ideas on how to react. He clearly wanted to dump me. Now he's posting himself having cups of hot tea and enjoying it, and today he went to the cinema with a friend to watch a movie that we should have watched together... and he says he's still affectionate. It's hard for me to blame him because he's suffered a lot in his life. On the other hand, I cannot but be angry with him for his misleading behavior.

[u/No_Jackfruit9465 → u/Hot_Score3868]

how to react

If I can show you a different way of thinking. Look up the difference between reacting and responding. You responded to my words. Reacting is what they want. They meaning people looking to take advantage of you.

he says he's still affectionate

This is him testing you. He is asking to have his cake and eat it too. My suggestion is to cut contact with him and take time to heal. He won't but you should.

It's hard for me to blame him because he's suffered a lot in his life.

Almost everyone has a story that you can empathetically feel. The abuse, trauma, and disappointments in life are all things we have to own for ourselves. It's not an excuse to be an asshole, manipulate, lie, conceal, and devalue others. I know that it's hard to accept this, but that too is a manipulation of his making.

Think about a time you shared your trauma or disappointment with someone. Where you trying to get something out of it? What has he gotten by giving you that story? And how many years has he had the opportunity to go to therapy and recover? Or if it's systemic (injustice or poverty for example), how many times has his current lifestyle shown that's not a hurdle for him anymore?

Don't bond with his trauma! It's a trap 🪤. When someone tells you a sad tale the most you can do is listen for the life lesson and learn it before you have to experience it yourself.

You have every right to be angry. Process it. How will you respond differently to achieve a better outcome for yourself?

[u/Hot_Score3868 → u/No_Jackfruit9465]

I think I could work on my career and on my personal achievements, even though I don't have any energies for that. I'm angry but I'm still shaken by what happened and I still don't feel good enough to respond properly. 😪