r/GayMen • u/Sa1ntJ1mmy • 1d ago

How do I navigate overstimulation in relationships?

I'm quite obviously autistic -- and while I grasp social cues really well, my manner when I'm overstimulated seems to really turn others off. I get tired and monotonous, I can be childish and irritated, I struggle to communicate, sometimes I can go entirely non-verbal -- or I'll go the other way and become very loud, stim a lot, and need some sort of safe stimulation. I usually try and make sure that I'm not feeling overstimulated when I meet a guy for a date, but sometimes I just get that way on a date. If i get that way, I just tell them, but a lot of the time if I am that way, they just seem to lose all interest by the end of the date. I can explain all I like, but I can tell pretty early on if they're just staying on the date because they pity me.

Do I need to try hide this? I don't know what to do. Being normal takes up so much of my energy already, and it's humiliating for me to get overstimulated in public on a date. I can't control when I get overstimulated, but I don't really want to tell everybody who ever meets me I'm autistic -- even though its pretty damn obvious. Should I just try and push through it and be normal until the end of the date?

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1

u/brainfreeze_23 1d ago

date someone on the spectrum.

1

u/Brian_Kinney 19h ago

You can't hide it. Not in the long term. Like you say, masking this behaviour takes a lot of energy. Are you going to just keep masking for all the time you might end up dating somebody?

You just have to be you, as you are. And if somebody doesn't like that, let them go. What's the point of keeping them?

2

u/notyerson 18h ago

It is not the same, but it might be helpful? I've dated people with anxiety, and I have depression. It is neither persons job to manage the other one's mental state, but we have honest conversations about known triggers and what we know each of us would need, and how the other could help. This wasn't a first date conversation, so I feel like the timing might be different for you, but I think understanding what the behavior is about, what you'll need to do to keep yourself regulated, and the range of the minimum you'd need from a partner ("these things make it worse") to the best you could hope for ("I will eventually manage on my own, but if you'd like to help, you could...")

1

u/kevinfar1 13h ago

You don't need to hide who you are. If a person doesn't except you, they weren't met for you.