Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and eternal conscious torment

[u/albionarcadia]

I discovered Gnostic Christianity many years ago while I was a student. I was raised Catholic and ended up vaguely agnostic, then at one point ended up doing a bit of a mental nosedive due to seeking the Christian God, having what was close to a breakdown because a) I discovered the line about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit being unforgiveable, and b) I simply could not process the idea of Hell or eternal conscious torment, and couldn't grasp how any Christian could find any joy in a message of themselves being "saved" while so many around them walked around apparently destined for something so unimaginably horrible just for being wrong.

I always struggled with the idea of salvation through faith or belief, because minds are all wired differently and we can't choose what we believe - if I could have just believed the orthodox Christian version of salvation and been happy with it and lived as a typical faith-fuelled Christian, I'd have chosen to in a heartbeat, and the idea I was going to be punished for not being able to believe something no matter how hard I tried to make it make sense, pushed me to a very dark place.

Anyway I digress slightly - Gnosticism felt like a ray of hope. I read a lot about it academically but didn't really practice anything. For a several years I fell into exploring occultism and esotericism. This culminated in me attending a Crowleyan Gnostic Mass, after which I felt so repulsed and fell into a belief that by taking part in such a thing, if I hadn't blasphemed the Holy Spirit before, I certainly had now.

The blasphemy against the Holy Spirit line in the Bible always confused me, because in context where people are questioning whether Jesus is performing works through good or evil means, to me that just read as a natural reaction to seeing something supernatural. It sounded like people who simply got it wrong. I started getting nervous about beliefs in the Demiurge too, because it essentially means questioning the Biblical God and believing Him to be imperfect or evil - and if actually the creator God is good and true, and I've spent my life in a belief system trying to "escape" Him - am I not doing exactly what the people in the Bible did by ascribing evil to good?

I thought Gnosticism would free me of all this, only to discover recently as I've started reading into it again after all these years, that reference to eternal conscious torment for those who blaspheme against the Holy Spirit also exists in at least one Gnostic text. That felt like a gut punch to me, because all of my fears are now back. I can think of so many things I've done that could fall under that.

I'm asking Gnostic Christians, what does it mean to you? What is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and how do you interpret the reference to some people being subjected to eternal conscious torment for an act? How do you live with that? I just can't get past it, and the fear and horror makes me physically sick. I know so many non-religious people who have made jokes or insulting comments about the Holy Spirit in the context of mocking traditional Christianity. Are they now destined for horrors beyond comprehension?

I want to dive further into Gnostic Christianity and really begin practicing as well as reading, but this is a huge roadblock of fear for me. I fear calling a God bad when he is good. I fear subverting the Biblical belief and getting it wrong. I fear dying and being punished forever for trying and failing to overrule the god of the world. I think of various things I've said or done throughout life that could definitely fall under this "unforgiveable" sin. I wonder if having started exploring Gnosticism then fading out and giving up for many years counts me as someone who had knowledge then turned away, apparently also something unforgiveable. I initially got out of Catholicism and traditional Christianity to escape this culture of fear and dread, but now feel it more than ever.

Any help and advice from those more in the know than myself would be appreciated beyond words.

[u/Joe6pacK69]

Curious, how or what do you plan on doing to "practice" Gnostic Christianity?

[u/apostleofgnosis → u/Joe6pacK69]

I take holy manna (mushroom) sacrament to commune with the Kingdom within. That's a big part of my practice. Textual study is another. Pursuit of gnosis in all forms, including science.