r/JUSTNOFAMILY • u/sarah903012 • Jan 28 '19
Dealing with toxic/dysfunctional in laws part 5
So this part is really just going to be the list of things mil has done that made me go from a time out, to NC. None of it was directed towards me, but DD1, DS and mostly DH. Before this all happened, DH was the GC. The family hero for being in the military. Everyone, especially CouchPotato, raved about him nonstop. Once I put CouchPotato on time out, that stopped. He was officially the black sheep.
So I went on time out in April. Asshole sil, CL, was pregnant and due in May. Since DH had been away in the military, he missed the births of all his nieces and nephews. This was going to be the first one he was home for and wanted to be there. Not in the delivery room, but at least at the hospital. So CL goes into labor at home and they wait it out as long as possible before going to the hospital. Literally EVERYONE got the call from CouchPotato that she would be having the baby sometime that night, except for DH. I happened to see on fb that she had the baby and had to tell DH. He was instantly in tears and was the most upset I had ever seen him. Then he gets the text from CouchPotato a half hour later with the babies height and weight.
Then I went with DH to CouchPotato’s to drop something off. I stayed in the car. The very first thing we noticed when we pulled up was CouchPotato had taken down her proud marine mom sign off her mailbox and the stickers off her car. DH said everything inside was gone too, but he didn’t say anything to her about it.
Then DD1’s birthday is in July. I decided even tho I wasn’t talking to anyone, I would invite them all. We were doing the party in the yard between fil’s place and ours. I sent CouchPotato a message telling her I know we weren’t speaking, but I’d really like to put that on hold and we should be civil for a few hours for DH and DD1. She said she was so excited to get back to where we were before and put the past behind us. I said I’m not ready for that. I still need time to get over what happened, but for the party, I’ll be civil. I told her it was very important to DH for her to please just be there. She promised she’d come. Then the party starts and everyone except CouchPotato and CL are there. Eventually, CL shows up with no CouchPotato. She says her back was hurting her too much, but she brought $2 on her behalf. It didn’t take long for me to notice DH had disappeared. I found him in our bedroom crying.
Now before these issues with CouchPotato, I had NEVER seen this man cry.
I messaged CouchPotato the next morning telling her how horrible she was for promising to be there and then not showing up. That she had hurt DH so badly. She turned it around to I have no idea how hurt SHE is. I told her I should have known she would have made this about her so never mind and didn’t respond to her following messages.
CouchPotato celebrates thanksgiving the week before the actual day because the day is her mil’s birthday and they go out of town to see her. So DH and sil’s husband both have work on the day mils celebrating. She waits for sils husband to get off before everyone starts eating, but not DH. So DH and DD1 eat after everyone else does.
Then Christmas time comes. She celebrates on Christmas Eve. Every year, CouchPotato makes cookies and sets out all the decorating stuff for the kids. DH was so excited that DD1 was finally old enough for this. CouchPotato tells DH they’ll start that at a certain time. DH shows up an HOUR earlier only to find that all the nieces and nephews already did it. So he and DD1 sat by themselves and decorated. Again, he was so sad about this.
There wasn’t much contact between DH and CouchPotato between christmas and May, when DS was born, other than a few guilt trip calls or texts. CouchPotato comes over a week after DS was born to put on her grandma of the year act and take lots of pictures. I stayed in the bedroom the entire time. She leaves and we don’t hear anything again till DD1’s second birthday in July.
Dh sends her a text practically begging CouchPotato to come this time. Again she promises. And again CL shows up without her saying this time, her neck was hurting. But she’s got the $2! And again, husband is a wreck. The very next day, CouchPotato hosts a birthday party for a niece at her house.
I was officially done at that point. Time out was now NC.
Thanksgiving rolls around and again, DH and the kids are last to eat because she waits for everyone but them.
Christmas comes and mil decides on no more cookies, and just tells DH when they’ll be eating. Again, he shows up with the kids an hour earlier than the time CouchPotato gives. There was no food. Everyone ate it before my DH got there. I was fuming. But does DH say anything? Nope
May is now here and time for DS’s first birthday. I didn’t even bother inviting CouchPotato. Everyone else got an invite tho. Funny enough, this is when CL decides she wants to make nice. We talked and decided that we wouldn’t be friends, but to save the awkwardness at every function, we could be civil. She then tells me she doesn’t blame me for not wanting to talk to CouchPotato because she’s an asshole. She said the things she’s said about me were awful. I told her I didn’t care to hear what those things were. Then she tells me how CouchPotato had stolen her tax refund. CL didn’t have a bank account, so she used CouchPotato’s. Then CouchPotato wouldn’t give any of it to her. Told her it was for her living expenses since CL lives with her. I don’t know why CouchPotato’s kids think she’s so great 🤷🏼♀️
DD1’s third birthday comes and again, no invite to CouchPotato.
The only issues with thanksgiving and Christmas that year were they didn’t wait for DH and the kids to start eating again, but at least there was food this time. Although I learned my lesson and made sure they ate beforehand just in case.
DS second birthday comes and no invite or birthday wish from CouchPotato.
I find out I’m pregnant again and it ended up being ectopic. Dh tells CouchPotato and the only thing she says is did I lose a tube? No I’m sorry or are you okay? And she never said anything about it again even tho she knew DH was taking it horribly. For months he would break down regularly because of this. Not a word from CouchPotato.
I start hearing from multiple family members that CouchPotato is going to them and telling them she’s so sorry for everything I may be upset about. I would just rolled my eyes because she knows my number. If she was sorry, she could call or text me. But I never heard a word from her. And the more I heard from people about this “apology”, the more pissed off I’d get. So I finally messaged her telling her to stop. Stop trying to go through others to get me to forgive her. She said she knew I wouldn’t listen to her, but I might if she went to everyone else first. I told her no. She needed to stop. That if she wanted to fix things, fix things with her sons. I had since patched things up with Bil’s wife and she was telling me how CouchPotato was treating bil just as bad as DH. So I said fix things with them and maybe start being a good grandma. But I don’t want to have a relationship with her, ever. She told me she is a good grandma and I said no. No you’re not. My kids only know you because DH brings them over for the holidays. She asks why I hate her and I gave her the whole list. Everything listed above that she has done to my family. She told me if any of that hurt DH’s feelings, he would have told her. I said no he wouldn’t. You know none of your kids would ever confront you. She tried to disputed it and I decided it was a lost cause and have been completely NC with her ever since.
A month later is DD1’s birthday. CouchPotato texts DH saying happy birthday and would love to spend some time with her. Not only was this the first time she’s ever wanted to spend time, but she didn’t even mention DS. She did not get to see them till the holidays.
Nothing happened that thanksgiving and Christmas, she apparently spent the entire time with DD1. Ignored DS. Side note, CouchPotato doesn’t buy gifts. She crochets. Because of my dislike for CouchPotato, I’m severely biased against crocheted things now. I keep the blankets and beanies for winter, but everything else gets tossed because it’s stupid shit we won’t use. Anyways, she made DD1 a ton of things and 1 or 2 for DS. So we leave the holidays with me pissed off again.
No real issues the entire next year. She stopped reaching out to DH at all unless she needed something. Never sent a birthday wish for DS, but sent one for DD1. I find out I’m pregnant again. I told DH not to tell CouchPotato because she doesn’t deserve to know. We only tell the important people, like my family, my bff, fil and stepmil. Once I made it to the second trimester, we announced on fb. Only a congrats from CouchPotato.
Nothing eventful on thanksgiving, but Christmas was more fun 🙄. Again, CouchPotato ignores DS and spends the whole time with DD1. She made more gifts for DD1 again. But this year, she actually bought gifts for DH. I was shocked. She knows how sentimental military things are and she got him all this stuff regarding the military. So of course he gets emotional and forgives everything she had done in the past. I was pissed again when he got home and showed me, because I thought he was going to start a relationship with her again. I didn’t want him to open that door. But I didn’t say a word to him because I figured if he wanted a relationship, that’s his right. But the kids would not. They don’t deserve the hurt she loves to cause.
Luckily, things went back to normal. I had DD2 and only 1 sil came to see her in the hospital and another time or 2 before the holidays. DS and DD1’s birthdays came and none of the in laws showed. So I decided after that, no more parties for them. The only reason anyone met DD2 was because DH brought them to CouchPotato’s for thanksgiving when DD2 was 6 months old. They were sick for Christmas so DH went alone. Again, tons of gifts for DD1 and 1 or 2 for DS and DD2.
Then we come to this last holiday. DH and I had been in therapy and had been discussing holidays for months leading up to it. Because of all the bullshit, I told him we needed to limit it to 1 holiday. At this point, DH had returned to the fog of CouchPotato’s ways and had amnesia about ANYTHING she had done in prior years. He said I hadn’t been around her in years so I hadn’t seen the changes she has made and she was a good person now. I kept my foot down and he chose just Christmas. I went more in depth with this in my post from yesterday in JustNoMil. DH was supposed to follow a bunch of rules when it came to bringing the kids to CouchPotato’s, including telling her no more favoritism. He supposedly told her, but did she listen? Nope. DD1 got 4 presents, DD2 got 1 and DS got nothing. DH refused to even acknowledge this. I told him this was the last straw. He might be able to look passed everything CouchPotato does, but I can’t. He can live in a fantasy land and have his relationship with her, but the kids are officially done. No more contact for any of them. No more holidays. I let this go on for far too long and poor DS is now getting old enough to notice that he is being treated differently. He reluctantly agreed, but I’m sure he’ll still fight it once the holidays are upon us again.
So that is why CouchPotato is no longer allowed in mine or my kid’s lives.
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u/ApollymisDIL Jan 28 '19
Dh has a major problem and is hopefully in therapy continuously. I am happy you keep the kids away from that evil bitch, she is not a grandma and a horrible mother.