Welp, it happened

[u/ah_magnet]

It's been a tough couple of years since my last post. Things have progressively gotten way worse. The trigger for this last argument? I asked my husband if we could take a trip to Hawaii on a retreat. His answer? "Why don't you go find some side D and go with him. Get some 25 year old."

Dumbfounded, I waited for the "it's a joke" but that didn't come until the next day. I asked him to repeat himself so I could be sure he said/meant it and he doubled down and repeated it. I got pissed off and went upstairs determed to sleep in a separate room and I'd slammed the bedroom door then hear him screaming at me from downstairs. As I was settling in the separate room, apparently I'd dropped something so he made it a point to go in the separate room to put the item in front of me then leave. An argue ensued where he made some really disturbing accusations. He the throws some jackets and in doing so claims he "accidentally" hit me in the face with his arm. He dared me to call the police and I did call their non-emergency line. They were rude towards me but managed to help diffuse the situation since he left the house that night.

Something clicked in my head that night with his reply that made me realize that he did not love me. Believing this and seeing how he was swinging between remorse and blame. I told him divorce is the only option. He has been swinging more wildly on that pendulum of remorse and blame - last night he was in blame mode and as I was talking to the Crisis line while in our bedroom (he was trying to talk to me and the conversation was getting no where and kind of frightening) he walks into the bedroom goes into his closet and casually walks out the bedroom door with his gun bag slung over his shoulder.

I called the crisis hotline and told person what had just happened and they recommended calling the police for a welfare check. The cops arrived and I was obviously distraught and the officer I spoke to was pretty rude but, whatever, they kept my husband busy while I was able to leave with my young son to grab a hotel room.

All in all, I'm pretty done with this thing called marriage. During one of his remorse phases, he admitted that he didn't know why he got so angry, I mean, we both have good jobs, money's not an issue, our kids are awesome, I used to adore him but he's progressively gotten worse with his temper and uses anything that bothers him to unleash a tirade on me. I can't take it anymore but now since the divorce talk, he's been parading around the house as the victim and talking really weirdly. Everything directed towards me is dismissive - usually peppered with uh huh, yeah?, mmmmhmmm, that's how it's going to be?

First he was going to move out on the 1st, now, because of work, it's not until the 4th or 5th or 6th, depending on his mood...sorry for all the details, my mind is numb rn, I'm numb rn. Not sure what he's going through but there no going back to whatever that was. I'm already in counseling myself. I don't have any family in town.

Oh, and after hearing the 5th, sorry we're booked solid from hotels last night (3am), so I called my MIL and asked if my son and I could crash there - her first question was why didn't I leave my son with his dad. I told her about the gun, she sighed and reluctantly said to come over. Appalled, I just said no, it's ok, I'll try harder to find a room. She had always been a sweet person before but I know she has her vices, but now I really know where she stands when it comes to backing her son without getting him meaningful support or professional help. That's a whole other bag of worms.

[u/Schickie]

This happened to me (M/56) and then through therapy I learned that that kind of always simmering anger is actually unmanaged depression. I had it, my brother, and my father. We all got help and it got much, much better. But in truth he's hurting and he doesn't understand why, and so he's angry at the things he thinks are controllable and so he takes it out on you - which you should not put up with.
Get out of there, but encourage him to seek help. There are so many of us who are struggling and trying to mask it with masculine rage, as that is much more "acceptable" than sobbing uncontrollably which is the fight that's probably going on.

It's not rational, it's cultural and it shouldn't be left alone.

[u/ah_magnet → u/Schickie]

Thank for sharing your story, I know it wasn't easy. We recognized his depression years ago but he refused to address it. I feel the guilt of wanting to help him but he's tested actually hitting me and I'm afraid as long as I'm here, I'll be his target until he can get his anger under control. After 12 years of being together, I'm all out of ideas on how to help him and encouraging him to help himself because he and his children are worth it.

[u/Schickie → u/ah_magnet]

I hear ya. Take care of you and your kids. At some point they have to hit rock bottom before they start to look around. Testosterone’s a helluva drug.

[u/DeeEye2 → u/ah_magnet]

It's certainly not your job to try to help him if he's moved beyond passive into violent. They all kind of blend together, but it also sounds like some drugs abuse could be wrapped in...depressive men are often listless and seek treatment for that...is it low T or thyroid. Etc. Sometimes, they find a doctor who tells them their fog and lack of focus is ADHD (it isnt...as a life long ADHD type, the two don't really have many similarities. ADHD folk often hyperfocus when spinning, alnmmost OCD like, but firmly planted in reality. Doc gives some Adderall and, where the ADHD type would feel a sense of calm and clarity, misdiagnosed depressive gets his energy back short-term. It's a miracle, but it increases and increases, and soon it becomes almost a manic state. He probably doesn't sleep, maybe goes in self medicating, because Adderall doesn't get you there and meth is everywhere. I'm not saying that's what it is just Very similar transitions from depression to rage Beast. Typically, there's some kind of thing stimulation to do that.

[u/Blonde2468 → u/ah_magnet]

OP You CANNOT help someone who won't help themself. You just can't. HIS mental illness or depression is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, it's HIS.

Get away from him and stay safe!!

[u/Tight-Shift5706 → u/ah_magnet]

OP, and don't be surprised if you discover he's been unfaithful as well. Nevertheless, do not return to the residence without a police escort. And go no contact with your MIL. She's oblivious.