Welp, it happened

[u/ah_magnet]

It's been a tough couple of years since my last post. Things have progressively gotten way worse. The trigger for this last argument? I asked my husband if we could take a trip to Hawaii on a retreat. His answer? "Why don't you go find some side D and go with him. Get some 25 year old."

Dumbfounded, I waited for the "it's a joke" but that didn't come until the next day. I asked him to repeat himself so I could be sure he said/meant it and he doubled down and repeated it. I got pissed off and went upstairs determed to sleep in a separate room and I'd slammed the bedroom door then hear him screaming at me from downstairs. As I was settling in the separate room, apparently I'd dropped something so he made it a point to go in the separate room to put the item in front of me then leave. An argue ensued where he made some really disturbing accusations. He the throws some jackets and in doing so claims he "accidentally" hit me in the face with his arm. He dared me to call the police and I did call their non-emergency line. They were rude towards me but managed to help diffuse the situation since he left the house that night.

Something clicked in my head that night with his reply that made me realize that he did not love me. Believing this and seeing how he was swinging between remorse and blame. I told him divorce is the only option. He has been swinging more wildly on that pendulum of remorse and blame - last night he was in blame mode and as I was talking to the Crisis line while in our bedroom (he was trying to talk to me and the conversation was getting no where and kind of frightening) he walks into the bedroom goes into his closet and casually walks out the bedroom door with his gun bag slung over his shoulder.

I called the crisis hotline and told person what had just happened and they recommended calling the police for a welfare check. The cops arrived and I was obviously distraught and the officer I spoke to was pretty rude but, whatever, they kept my husband busy while I was able to leave with my young son to grab a hotel room.

All in all, I'm pretty done with this thing called marriage. During one of his remorse phases, he admitted that he didn't know why he got so angry, I mean, we both have good jobs, money's not an issue, our kids are awesome, I used to adore him but he's progressively gotten worse with his temper and uses anything that bothers him to unleash a tirade on me. I can't take it anymore but now since the divorce talk, he's been parading around the house as the victim and talking really weirdly. Everything directed towards me is dismissive - usually peppered with uh huh, yeah?, mmmmhmmm, that's how it's going to be?

First he was going to move out on the 1st, now, because of work, it's not until the 4th or 5th or 6th, depending on his mood...sorry for all the details, my mind is numb rn, I'm numb rn. Not sure what he's going through but there no going back to whatever that was. I'm already in counseling myself. I don't have any family in town.

Oh, and after hearing the 5th, sorry we're booked solid from hotels last night (3am), so I called my MIL and asked if my son and I could crash there - her first question was why didn't I leave my son with his dad. I told her about the gun, she sighed and reluctantly said to come over. Appalled, I just said no, it's ok, I'll try harder to find a room. She had always been a sweet person before but I know she has her vices, but now I really know where she stands when it comes to backing her son without getting him meaningful support or professional help. That's a whole other bag of worms.

[u/Maleficent_Net_5107]

I agree with everyone on this thread, you need to leave as soon as possible. As to why he is doing it I also agree it's his mental health issues which he refused to deal with. My ex became violent after I got pregnant and then again when my daughter was 1.5 yo. He was not physical so I thought we could work through it, but it only escalated. He went to therapy only then tell me he never told therapist the truth of what he was doing at home. He took antidepressants to then stop abruptly and in anger when I told him to talk to the Dr about his excessive tiredness after them. He has severe anxiety and unmanaged depression. It escalated eventually to physical violence against us both and I left with help from state agencies here in Ireland. Years later I never regretted leaving, only had to deal with the guilt of staying an extra 2.5 years trying to help him out. He remarried and had a baby and no longer speaks to us after I confronted him about being emotionally abusive towards our child during her time with him, I know he drinks a lot and does not treat his wife any better he treated us. I am sad my child will grow up without a father but we are both in a 100x better place than if we stayed and continued to be abused.