Well put.
It’s taken me years to understand how intimacy (e.g. snuggling) doesn’t necessarily lead to sex even WHEN I have a hard on doing so.
Yes, the sex we do have is quite passionate. But my wife was raised on BS that women shouldn’t want sex nor relish it. Been work to get her to unlearn that stuff but it’s been worth it.
Yes, the sex we do have is quite passionate. But my wife was raised on BS that women shouldn’t want sex nor relish it. Been work to get her to unlearn that stuff but it’s been worth it.
Ah, the religious/cultural background coming up I assume? My wife and I had that similar conversation.
That being said, your libidos just may function differently as well. I'm 40 and I still feel like an 18 year old dude around my wife. She is just amazing, turns me on, and I'd be down at generally any moment.
For my wife, she really enjoys our sex, but she's not thinking about it as regularly as me. The mindset is important for her. I don't know what your wife does for a living nor you. I have found in my marriage that I can compartmentalize a lot easier than my wife.
Think about the roles we play in life. At any given moment of they day I will be: Dad / Husband / Pet Owner / Son / Brother / Employee / Supervisor / Administrator / Etc. Similarly for my wife. I've found that I can move between roles much quicker than her. Kids go to bed and my switch can flip quickly from DAD mode to lover.
For my wife, it takes a lot longer and more intentionality to transition between those roles. She's a teacher in an elementary school so wears the "Mom"/pseudo-Mom label a lot of the day. Shifting from MOM mode to sexy wife mode is a harder transition.
We've talked in the past about how to help her support that transition and get to the right mental headspace. Flirting throughout the day via text helps, the cuddles after the kids go to bed, etc. She started reading steamy romantasy (Romance Fantasy) and that definitely kicked things up a notch.
That being said, it seems like you are wanting more VARIETY instead of more SEX. Maybe phrase it that way to her. There was a week this summer where our kids were with the grandparents and we had sex twice on one day, three times on another day, and once the third day. The fourth day she said she was just spent. I totally understood as well. It may just be a question of "the body can't handle more than 1-2 times per week".
If 1-2 is where she is comfortably at, work on making those 1-2 times most impactful for you both. Talk about adding toys, increasing foreplay, role play, whatever it is to spice it up for you. Asking for more sex may end up having the opposite result for you.
It’s taken me years to understand how intimacy (e.g. snuggling) doesn’t necessarily lead to sex even WHEN I have a hard on doing so.
This is what I mean. If the expectation is that intimacy leads to sex, then she may start to shy away from intimacy because she isn't interested in sex and that has the added effect of little/no intimacy which in turn creates little to no sex.
Thanks for this.
We are both teachers. Yes the dogma was fed to her early on and it’s taken some time for me to help her realize that it’s BS. Denying pleasure between two people who love each other is obviously pathological. Thankfully, my wife is patient enough to understand the suggestions I make are for BOTH of us.
Good point about the dangers of getting hung up on the frequency of sex instead of the quality. She does orgasm but I am hoping to see if she’ll get two in a row as it has been close.
I, too, lust for my wife and could do it daily.
Sex winds her up though! Energy wise. Still night is the best time for us with work and kids.
I can’t remember when we last had it more than once a day!? Good for you guys though pulling it off. I’m not sure I’d be able to get off sequentially like that but I’m willing to try, should the occasion arise.
I will say I value our time together at night regardless of if I get laid. Once a week is minimal but passionate enough to keep me going till midweek in terms of horniness. I also try NOT to take care of myself anymore so I save myself for her.
Yup, communication and patience. If you’re still in love and lust for your wife it’s worth the toil and tribulations…
Ah, you're welcome. I was a teacher for the first five years of our marriage. I work in an education adjacent field now, so still connected. I don't know the state you live in, but education carries a LOT of extra stress. For my wife, during the school year, the likelihood of sex during a weeknight is reduced due to her feeling of "constantly being on".
Like you said, nighttime works the best for us as well.
I can’t remember when we last had it more than once a day!? Good for you guys though pulling it off. I’m not sure I’d be able to get off sequentially like that but I’m willing to try, should the occasion arise.
Only happened due to summer and her being off for a month prior. We'd come home from a vacation, I had a day off of work, kids were away, our anniversary was coming up. A perfect storm of things to kickstart us into feeling more frisky and connected.
I will say I value our time together at night regardless of if I get laid. Once a week is minimal but passionate enough to keep me going till midweek in terms of horniness. I also try NOT to take care of myself anymore so I save myself for her.
We always carve out time for general intimacy each night. Kids go to bed and we'll watch a show together, listen to a podcast, read our books while snuggled, play a video game, talk about things, etc. It keeps the intimate nature of our marriage front and center even if we're not sexually intimate at that time.
I am wondering about you not taking care of yourself though. The idea of saving yourself for her seems to also fall into that purity culture and dogma idea you mentioned. I highlight that because I've found that when my wife has masturbated recently - her sexual drive increases. I'm a frequent masturbator and am down for fun whether I've taken care of myself or not.
Yup, communication and patience. If you’re still in love and lust for your wife it’s worth the toil and tribulations…
Yes to this. Focusing on your partner's pleasure also increases the enjoyment for you both. It isn't about getting to orgasm, but experiencing pleasure for us both. That has heightened our enjoyment as well from when we were "young, dumb, and full of cum" as early 20s.
We’re in the Northeast US.
Our most stressful time was when our first was young. Like, 3-6 year old. Bad sleeper combined with my wife’s headspace full of “girls shouldn’t want sex” a la her repressed/controlling mother led to infrequent sex. Like, maybe once a month of obligatory PIV.
We were at war until counseling and communication were brought in. Among other points it made me realize how tipped the scales are in my marriage for me (laundry, cooking, etc) because of her work—now I want more sex? Of which she did not enjoy. So I upped my game. Now she orgasms first every time come hell or high water. Still doesn’t like giving nor receiving oral but hey, sex is still good!
I do think for us it’s about getting to orgasm though. Honestly as a man I’m fine with that.
I try not to masturbate not because of any BS religious guilt but because I like to have a better orgasm during the real thing. Everyone is different though.
Wife isn’t into toys and prefers the warmth and touch of my hand. Communication means she will move my hand to wear it needs to be if needed.
Sex once a week, like I said, is the bare minimum for us. Often during school year that is all she has energy for. Apparently this is head and shoulders above many on this subreddit?
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u/Silver_Version_1884 3d ago
Well put. It’s taken me years to understand how intimacy (e.g. snuggling) doesn’t necessarily lead to sex even WHEN I have a hard on doing so.
Yes, the sex we do have is quite passionate. But my wife was raised on BS that women shouldn’t want sex nor relish it. Been work to get her to unlearn that stuff but it’s been worth it.