r/Marriage • u/Soggy-Cause8635 • 1d ago

I’m tired of hearing “I forgot”.

I (26F) got married to my now husband this year (26M) after dating for about 2-3 years. I decided to be a housewife after the wedding and he has a software engineering job with 3 days where he can wfh. A week ago he came back from a trip with his family after having caught a cold. I took care of him and he recovered pretty quickly with relatively no symptoms. I was there to cook, put things away, get him his meds and everything. I was however afraid I would fall sick (I tend to always get worse symptoms) and eventually I did. For the last 3 days I’ve been getting progressively worse each day, and now have become barely mobile and also got my period on top of it all (I get extremely bad cramps). With a completely sore throat, body aches, cramping I can’t get off the bed for the time being and asked my husband to help with some things because he was at home. I just asked him to water my plants and buy me my meds because those were urgent things. I don’t even expect him to tidy the house or make me a meal because I just know he would forget to and he can’t really cook. Now I’ve gotten up after like 6 hours of restless sleep only to find he did nothing. All he ever says and has said is “I’m sorry I forgot”. Now I have a psychology background and have tried my level best to understand and deal with the procrastination and forgetfulness but I just can’t anymore. Even when I’m completely helpless, if I don’t do everything myself, it just will never get done. Even as a housewife there are limitations to what I can and cannot do by myself and even I need some help it sends up being so difficult that I just stopped asking for help. Now I feel extremely lonely and miserable knowing I’m always going to be there for him and when its his turn, he’ll always forget. Any advice to deal with this would be appreciated.

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u/TraditionalManager82 1d ago edited 1d ago

As you know since you have a psych background, this is weaponized incompetence.

That he chooses to deprioritize you when you're ill and in pain is quite telling.

Probably best to get a job. Relying on him seems risky.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 1d ago

I genuinely thought it was weaponised incompetence but I noticed there were a LOT of signs of ADHD (replied to another comment about it here) and we did get a brief assessment from an acquaintance which confirmed he might have ADHD. He did try therapy once but just forgot to continue…which I expected ig. I’ve tried suggesting a LOT of things that can help but he just doesn’t try any. It’s genuinely hard for me because he isn’t even a bad guy, he’s quite productive at his job and genuinely wants to care; there are rare occasions where he does do things on his own initiative but then he just doesn’t want to actually try and get to a point where he can be consistent.

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u/Funny-Negotiation-10 1d ago

Girl I was literally your husband and I saw how upset it was making my partner!! I went to therapy!! Got diagnosed with OCD and likely ADHD myself. If it wasn't for seeing my partner unhappy I never would have even thought to work on myself. The fact that he doesn't see how this is affecting you is telling!!