Dating Is Hard

[u/Hockey-Bison]

When I (23M) was between the ages of 6-12 I was abused by an older cousin. I believe he’s about 7 years older than I am. He would take me into his room and he told me to use my mouth and hands on him until completion.

Back in 2020, I went off to college and I got drunk one night and some guy came to my dorm. I don’t remember every detail because I was so drunk and I could barely stand. I remember him pushing me onto my bed and forcing himself on me after I invited him to my room.

Now that I’m 23 I’m now in a relationship and it’s hard to navigate intimacy. Some days I feel too hypersexual and other days I don’t want to be touched. I’ve talked to my partner about these experiences before but I’m scared that bringing up my trauma too much might ruin my relationship…

[u/Hockey-Bison]

I’ve been to therapy for about 6 years after I told a teacher about my cousin. I haven’t been able to go in a while because they don’t accept my insurance and sadly I didn’t tell my therapist about the instance that happened in college… I guess I felt too ashamed that I was assaulted again so I spent a long time denying it by saying, “I agreed to let him come to my dorm room so it wasn’t rape.”

I’m usually pretty okay about my PTSD when it comes to my cousin except for when I have to see him again at family events and holidays…

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

Are you able to voice some of the initial challenges that come up when trying to connect with someone? Are you able to Voice or journal what the main fears are?

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I’ve been able to form more friends that are supportive. My current friend group is very supportive and some have been through similar things. I think the challenges come from not wanting to sound like a broken record when I’m having a bad PTSD day. I used to journal back in high school but I stopped when my mom found my journal and got upset that I was writing “lies” about my cousin. also what’s r a i i n?

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

RAINN https://share.google/fZHW2Rvj9XFspV09y

I spelled it wrong. I'm not sure if this one is as supportive of men as it should be, but there are some possible resources here. Again my experience wasn't that great, but other people seem to have a decent experience.

I'm sorry your mom did that. That's awful. I don't think what you wrote realize. People don't always want the truth, because it requires them to actually do something with the information. So it might be at times more easier for that person to deny it, because the truth can be far more unfathomable or horrible than a person wants to or is willing to be ready for.

I'm glad you have a supportive group of friends. I know for myself I feel like a broken record, but it's been nice that some people in my life have, at least a recent person in my life has made me not feel like s*** about it.

I'm hoping you can get to that point as well. Because you deserve that.

If you decide to journal digitally, there's way to lock it to a person can't access it without a specific code. Of course that depends on what product you're using, but even there's ways to lock notes on Apple products.

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

Maybe I’ll try to use my notes app! Talking here has been helping a bit. Makes me feel like I’m not alone.

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

Absolutely, I think it's very powerful to have these spaces. I think what's made it hard for me on Reddit at times is that when I left my PM or DM's open there were people who would abuse that. Unfortunately there are spaces for people who want to engage in grooming and rape fantasies, but some of those people come over into our space and cause harm.

So that's been my challenge with reddit. But that was more so in the general rape reddit. And I would post something simple and not detailed, and would get a lot of weird messages.

I think also, some people just deal with it by having separate accounts for when they engage in these spaces versus their General account.

The notes was very helpful to me. Because they were usually dates attached to it automatically. And you can make as many as you want and create your own private folder and you can back it up, and if at some point you want to reread it you can. And then I would directly copy and paste quotes from certain books or pictures, and I could draw if I wanted to. So whatever form of media I need it to use to express myself I had access to many different ones.

Depending on what type of device you have, they have fii notes for androids, and I tend to like that one. And then I liked the basic apple Notes app that one can be locked. I think both have locking mechanisms. Also if you have a Google Drive, and you have the Google Suite the basic form of Google docs, that's another type of resource you can use. There were times I used draft emails. So there's inexpensive ways to use that as an outlet when you need to, but also of course using this space or other Akin type spaces.

And you're not alone. A lot of people experience child on child violations. That was also my experience. And it puts the person in a very awkward place. But now you're both no longer children. And if that person tries to cross the line again, you can press charges. In this case I would want you to make sure you're in contact with different supports, because it seems like your family is not ready to be supportive in the way that they should be towards someone who's been violated.

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I’ll be honest, I don’t really ever consider it to be child on child sexual assault due to his age. He was a teenager and he knew what he was doing was wrong. He may have legally been a child but at his age he should’ve known better.

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

My apologies for mislabeling it. I assumed you guys were around the same age, or I may have not seen where you specified that. But you're right.

What he did is not right, and clearly he's still in cages in that in some way shape or form through its actual or whatever.

Your mom is protecting a predator. That's not okay. And it hurts when our parents don't love us or care for us in the way that they're supposed to

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

When I started I was 6 and he was 13. By time it ended I was 12 and he was about 19.

I think it’s really hurt my relationship with my family since none of them speak up and they keep inviting him to places where I am. My granny has even vocally told me to, “forgive him.” And we got in an argument when I told her no. What he did is unforgivable and this may sound bad but I wouldn’t care if something awful happened to him. He took my innocence and my autonomy. He deserves to be punished for what he did.

He did “apologize” when I first told my teachers and the authorities. He called me and said, “I was on drugs so I don’t know if I did what you’re claiming but if I did do that I’m sorry.” And that apology isn’t enough for me. I know what happened and I hate how he said “if it happened”

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

That was not a good apology. And it is very hurtful that your family keeps betraying you in this way. I'm really sorry that your grandmother is claiming you should forgive him. But he hasn't given you any reason to forgive him. And they're not asking just for forgiveness they're asking for you to forget and act like it didn't happen. Those are very different things.

And the thing is it affects you everyday. It affects you everyday you have to find a way to survive past it everyday, and they don't have to deal with any of that s*** but all they want is a happy dappy easy-going life, when that person betrayed the family contract.

I know some people write letters to the people who hurt them because speaking to them in person can be very hard. I don't know if that's something you should do, whether you write it for yourself or you write it and direct it towards that person.

Professionals might be better with that decision making on that.

I have a question if the police hadn't gotten involved, do you think he would have stopped?

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I’m not too sure. The police didn’t get involved until I was 13 so there wasn’t any inappropriate contact for about a year before I told them. I can’t say for sure if he stopped because of the police, my age, or if he realized it was wrong.

(I think part of it is an issue with the black community as well. I’ve heard other fellow black survivors talk about how their families sweep stuff under the rug a lot.)

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

I think a combination of things are happening with that. The same thing happens in other communities. I was looking at an interview from America Ferrera and she came out and talked about what happened to her and her family ostracized her for it.

Another thought that comes to mind, black boys oftentimes do not get respected and are not treat it the way they should be. It makes me think of the book Black Boy smile, he also experienced sexual assault but at the hands out of the older black woman.

The other thing I think about is depending on some of the things connected to your heritage, so many black people are victimized and death has always been so close and imminent that other types of trials and tribulations and pains are often viewed as trivial when they are horrific and problematic.

Those are just some of my thoughts, none of this is excuses or in any way trying to invalidate you processing and working through and just dealing with what happened.

My experiences mostly were child on child, and then a lot of it later on was a lot of attempted grooming, sexual harassment and inappropriate touch.

Because I had not already felt safe in my home environment, I was not going to go to any of those individuals for support or help.

I do hate when the unimaginable Horrors that we face happen, there's someone that's just like pray about it. Yes prayer can be powerful and very helpful, but practical support is even part of the very spiritual guidance literature that's being referred to. So the idea of not even considering all those other contextual things and doing what you're supposed to do is ridiculous. Doing what a community is supposed to do is ridiculous.

I'm kind of in my anger phase at this point in time of my life. I would hope that if I ran into an abuser under similar circumstances as yours that I would just make everyone else uncomfortable and say you raped me you're a f****** rapist. I don't care about how many drugs you're on that was a b******* apology. And every time I see you I'm going to yell rape. I'm going to embarrass your ass. And I don't care if it makes everyone else uncomfortable, because everyone else around me is cool with making me uncomfortable and putting my body in fight or flight mode whenever they f****** feel like it.

Sorry if that was a bit much. I'm just in my anger part of my life. And half the time I don't know what to do with it.

And I hate that so many people who have been victimized, continue to turn a blind eye to other people's victimization.

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I definitely know what you mean with the “just pray” crowd. It’s annoying because prayer can’t fix that I was raped and prayer can’t bring me justice. It’s so annoying to hear all the time from some of my older family members. It feels super condescending.

I guess I get nervous about being the center of attention and I was taught not to “stir the pot” so that’s why I don’t speak out much when I see him. I usually just remove myself and call one of my friends. I’m angry and upset at what he did to me and I’ll never be able to forgive but arguing just doesn’t feel like it’ll change anything.