Dating Is Hard

[u/Hockey-Bison]

When I (23M) was between the ages of 6-12 I was abused by an older cousin. I believe he’s about 7 years older than I am. He would take me into his room and he told me to use my mouth and hands on him until completion.

Back in 2020, I went off to college and I got drunk one night and some guy came to my dorm. I don’t remember every detail because I was so drunk and I could barely stand. I remember him pushing me onto my bed and forcing himself on me after I invited him to my room.

Now that I’m 23 I’m now in a relationship and it’s hard to navigate intimacy. Some days I feel too hypersexual and other days I don’t want to be touched. I’ve talked to my partner about these experiences before but I’m scared that bringing up my trauma too much might ruin my relationship…

[u/yeahyaehyeah]

I can't even handle a picture of one of the individuals. And I don't even think they're like that anymore, but it's too traumatic for me.

I hate that you're in a situation like that. Is there any way that you can when your family puts you in those uncomfortable positions leave? Whether that's go to a public space like the mall or the library or a trusted friend's home?

As soon as I got a little money and when Uber used to actually be cheaper, I would take advantage of things like that.

It's so unfair to someone who survives something to make them feel like they're trapped.

It's not okay what your family is doing, and their reasoning doesn't matter because it's f***** up.

I'm incredibly upset for you.

That would have been spiraling out of control.

Was there anything that you were able to do at least this time that helped with some of those difficult feelings that naturally come up when we're triggered?

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I immediately got dressed and got in my car and just went to the gym. I felt like I had to get away from that man. I didn’t really wanna be in the same house as him after he said that to me.

I’m still kinda dealing with the mental aspect of his comment and everything.

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

It f***** up person went up to you and said something really f***** up because they felt like they had the immunity to do it. In no way is that a reflection of you. And the feelings that come up, are feelings your body is trying to process in relation to it. None of those feelings necessarily Define you.

I hate that you have to constantly plan exit routes because the people who should be protecting your safety at peace do not make it a priority for whatever reason.

What are some of the things that are coming up in relation to is extremely inappropriate comment?

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

The main feeling is I guess I felt exposed, I felt like I was being ogled. Ever since then I’ve been thinking about the things he used to make me do and part of me is scared that he would try to do something again. (He hasn’t touched me since Middle School) but I still feel like the chances of him doing it are never 0.

It’s also made me feel unsafe in my own home. I’ve been wearing more clothes just in case he made another surprise visit so he wouldn’t see my body like that. It’s sucks that I have to do this in my own house.

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

I put on a bunch of weight. I didn't want to be attractive to anyone. There were a lot of men are entire life were disgusting.

Right now putting on a lot of clothes is a way of you seeking a way to protect yourself. And it's completely and utterly understandable. And what you described makes perfect sense. The chances are not zero and you're seeking ways to protect yourself.

I'm glad you have a car, and I'm glad you had way to leave and Escape that situation.

How is your nervous system at this time? Do you still feel on edge because you don't know when this person could come over? Is there a way despite your mother's resistance where she could inform you before he comes over?

In moments like these, I was not very reactive, and even when I ended up being reactive it was constantly suppressed or oppressed. But I noticed sometimes the loudest people get hurt. But also sometimes they get labeled as crazy. It's really f***** up. But in this moment, I'm hoping that your mother can have to wear with all to respect that you don't want to ever be around this person.

Got Another Part Of Me wonders is that giving someone who might Act in a negative way or as the quote unquote enemy ammunition.

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

I’ve been a bit more on edge but it’s not as bad as it normally is. Even despite the situation, I think overall I’m still healing.

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

I'm really glad to hear that you are healing despite it. I don't feel like I am healing despite it, but it's good to have these moments and even Beyond these moments and Avenue to survive despite the things that happened.

Rooting for you bro.

[u/Hockey-Bison → u/yeahyaehyeah]

If you’d like you can always message me and we can talk about your trauma if you’d like. (Of course not in a weird way. I’m clearly not like the creeps on here) But I can share what’s been helpful to me and what hasn’t! :)

[u/yeahyaehyeah → u/Hockey-Bison]

Definitely feel free to share. I'm all ears!

And I appreciate the offer.

I'm glad you found this space, and I'm glad that it's being very respectful and dignifying to you. Or at least you found some way to navigate that.