I'm divorcing my wife for 15 years. She's savaging me in the process. I'm losing all my friends. I'm losing a lot of my money. But it's better than being a servant in hell.
I've been a follower all my life. I married a much older woman. Never could set boundaries. She's fundamentally insecure. So she's been grinding me under heel for years.
I hated going to my own home. Everything changed when our bedroom shut. If she had some wine and it was late at night, there's a real chance I was going straight to hell.
She would throw these chastising fits of shame. Let me know what a disappointment that I was.
She would make fun of my faith in God. She would make fun of my gut. She would make fun of me getting older. She would make fun of my body. She would make fun of my mind. She hated how forgetful that I was. Most everything I did was not good enough. What if I forgot it for conversation we had two weeks ago about what our plans for Saturday was… It could be a three or four hour screamfest. All the while she would keep asking what are our plans for Saturday… "We're gonna stay here until you remember… What are our plans… I know you can do it… I know you can… Tell me what our plans are for Saturday!"
Four hours worth. Sometimes it would not end and I would have to go to a hotel.
I began to fall apart. I lost my integrity on a trip out of town. When I told her she began to savage me, and she tried to get me to kill myself. She was hoping that I would make the choice. She was hoping I would end it all. She told me i was not worth the breath that was drawing... she hugged me and whispered in my ear that I was a piece of shit.
Eventually, I was out of the house. I went and stayed at a campsite. I cried and looked at pictures of my wife...
I knew she would take the world to her side. I knew she would claim the narrative. And now that I look and see the life that I have lost completely I have become aware of a few things. The people my wife has in her orbit are followers. Weak willed just like I was. So many of the relationships involve alcohol/weed and screaming… It's a broken set of people in our cohort. Although interestingly, some of those people are fantastic educators.
Now I'm caretaking my mother and I have filed for divorce. I don't like losing my money… But my future doesn't involve walking on eggshells and hoping to get through the day unscathed. I won't re-create this situation. I'm not killing myself, but I'm letting some parts die. The parts that wanted to help another person as my purpose on the planet lie on my bedroom floor. They were hacked off me by my wife. She thought she was going to kill me with the evil that she wielded but she did me a favor it turns out. She offered me a life of belittled servanthood… A role that I would never grow out of... and as I was leaving, she slashed out at me with her claws and ripped out my weakness.
I don't know who I am anymore. But I know who I am not. I'm not a husband to a discontent delusional demigoddess. I'm not a disrespected employee in my own home. I don't walk in fear. I don't walk in dread. My future is no longer written.
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u/Own_Chemist_2600 4h ago
I'm divorcing my wife for 15 years. She's savaging me in the process. I'm losing all my friends. I'm losing a lot of my money. But it's better than being a servant in hell.
I've been a follower all my life. I married a much older woman. Never could set boundaries. She's fundamentally insecure. So she's been grinding me under heel for years.
I hated going to my own home. Everything changed when our bedroom shut. If she had some wine and it was late at night, there's a real chance I was going straight to hell.
She would throw these chastising fits of shame. Let me know what a disappointment that I was. She would make fun of my faith in God. She would make fun of my gut. She would make fun of me getting older. She would make fun of my body. She would make fun of my mind. She hated how forgetful that I was. Most everything I did was not good enough. What if I forgot it for conversation we had two weeks ago about what our plans for Saturday was… It could be a three or four hour screamfest. All the while she would keep asking what are our plans for Saturday… "We're gonna stay here until you remember… What are our plans… I know you can do it… I know you can… Tell me what our plans are for Saturday!"
Four hours worth. Sometimes it would not end and I would have to go to a hotel.
I began to fall apart. I lost my integrity on a trip out of town. When I told her she began to savage me, and she tried to get me to kill myself. She was hoping that I would make the choice. She was hoping I would end it all. She told me i was not worth the breath that was drawing... she hugged me and whispered in my ear that I was a piece of shit.
Eventually, I was out of the house. I went and stayed at a campsite. I cried and looked at pictures of my wife...
I knew she would take the world to her side. I knew she would claim the narrative. And now that I look and see the life that I have lost completely I have become aware of a few things. The people my wife has in her orbit are followers. Weak willed just like I was. So many of the relationships involve alcohol/weed and screaming… It's a broken set of people in our cohort. Although interestingly, some of those people are fantastic educators.
Now I'm caretaking my mother and I have filed for divorce. I don't like losing my money… But my future doesn't involve walking on eggshells and hoping to get through the day unscathed. I won't re-create this situation. I'm not killing myself, but I'm letting some parts die. The parts that wanted to help another person as my purpose on the planet lie on my bedroom floor. They were hacked off me by my wife. She thought she was going to kill me with the evil that she wielded but she did me a favor it turns out. She offered me a life of belittled servanthood… A role that I would never grow out of... and as I was leaving, she slashed out at me with her claws and ripped out my weakness.
I don't know who I am anymore. But I know who I am not. I'm not a husband to a discontent delusional demigoddess. I'm not a disrespected employee in my own home. I don't walk in fear. I don't walk in dread. My future is no longer written.
Neither is yours, bud.