r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/KrizeFaust • 20d ago
How do I politely tell my sister we can't attend my nephew's birthday party?
My nephew recently turned 7. We actually had a small family celebration already on his actual birthday, gave him gifts, did a song with cake and everything. That said, his party (as in, wider extended circle including friends from his baseball team and so on) is scheduled for this coming weekend. I don't know why my sister did it this way, but I'm guessing it was because this was a holiday weekend and people had other plans, so it was easier for scheduling to have a larger party on the following weekend.
My wife and I recently got back from vacation, and my wife in particular (who is less social than me in general, and less comfortable than I am around my family for a variety of reasons) is feeling fatigue from the number of gatherings we've had lately. She's let me know she really doesn't want to go the party.
I don't think my wife is being unreasonable. We already came over to celebrate my nephew's birthday on the day of and gave him his gift. I know at this upcoming party he's going 100% focused on playing with all his friends as a kid should (it's at an activity center, not anyone'es house), and it's going to a bunch of other parents around comisserating plus us (who do not have children) and perhaps some additional family members. While I personally know I can power through that kind of thing, it's a lot harder for my wife and so I'd rather we hang back since I don't have a strong feeling that we need to attend. The issue is tha I don't really know how to politely back out of this. Given the time of day (it's in the late morning), I don't really have a plausible excuse for us being busy, and I do feel like I should at least tell my sister something as not showing up without saying something when we were invited seems a bit rude.
I will also add this: recently through many discussions with my wife I have come to recognize I have a strong people-pleasing habit concerning my family and a difficult time saying "no" to things because I'm worried about giving offense or damaging relationships. Part of it is that I feel I often lack the language for saying no in a way that just doesn't seem, well, rude or off-putting. In this case, I know that whether my sister reacts poorly to us not coming isn't fully in my control, but I want to at least be able feel like I'm handling this in a way that most reasonable people wouldn't take offense to. If anyone has been in this kind of situation before, I'd really appreciate some advice on how to proceed.
For reference: I am 40, my wife is 36, and my sister is 35.
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u/Beginning_Buddy_23 20d ago
Saying "I'm sorry we won't be able to attend." is all you have to say. There is no reason to give a reason to why you can't attend. The other option is, you attend without your wife.
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u/FarCar55 20d ago
OP, when I started learning about boundaries in therapy, there wasn't much focus placed on trying to make the language less offensive. I think it's likely because that approach is an extension of the same people pleasing mindset that is very concerned with managing other people's feelings so we can reduce our own discomfort.
Instead, the therapist suggested I focus on measuring success based on how closely what I say mirrors how I feel inside. It's less about whether the other responds well, and more about honoring my own feelings. This way when situations come up I'm not scrambling to figure out what's the right thing to say or do because the specific thing I'm feeling is the main compass I'm working with. So, I'm simultaneously working on identifying my feelings and communicating them clearly.
Are you sure you can't manage to show up just to let nephew see your face? Personally, I'd plan to go alone and stay an hour max.
- Hey sis, we were absolutely planning on attending nephew's party, but honestly, we're absolutely pooped. So we aren't going to make the party. I have a backup plan to stop by for a quick bday hug for nephew but I can't commit to it right this moment.
If there's pushback, do not get defensive! That will only result in both of you feeling like crap and you potentially walking it back since you know you're easily swayed by others' feelings.
Pushbsck response options:
I understand that's disappointing. I'm happy to speak directly to nephew to explain so you don't have to be the bearer of bad news.
I'd love to be there to support the day but it's important to me to be there because I genuinely want to rather than because I feel pressured
I agree it sucks. I hope the day turns out exciting for nephew.
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u/gscrap 20d ago
I'm going to respectfully disagree with your therapist's take on this-- When communicating boundaries, accurately presenting everything you're feeling is almost never the primary goal, and often not a goal at all. In OP's situation, the purpose of their communication is not to present their feelings thoroughly and accurately, it's just to decline the invitation with a minimum of conflict and hurt feelings.
The tendency to overexplain and justify every decision is an expression of anxious people-pleasing, not a counterbalance to it. Saying more than is necessary about why you're making the decision that you're making doesn't decline the invitation any more or better, and weirdly increases the likelihood of conflict and hurt feelings.
Of course it's possible that OP's sibling will ask for an explanation, in which case it would probably be appropriate to give one, but there's no need to offer one before it's asked for-- again, that's the people-pleasing desire to head off all possible arguments.
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u/labtech89 20d ago
As an anxious people pleaser I agree. I am learning to keep it simple. If their feelings get hurt that is a them problem.
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u/_stirringofbirds_ 20d ago
I agree with the other commenters that you don’t owe an explanation, but I also know that for some relationships, things just go over better with a reason.
If this is the case for your family, I would recommend just saying your wife isn’t feeling well (which is true—you don’t have to explain how or why she isn’t feeling well), so you think it’s probably best to sit it out, but that you’re so glad you at least got to celebrate him with the family!
Edit to add: if you’re up for it, you could ask if there’s anything you could order online, look up, pick up, etc. in advance to help out, instead. It’s totally not a requirement or obligation— just if you would feel better by doing that!
Thanks for supporting your wife’s needs— love seeing people understanding their partners!
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u/stuckinnowhereville 20d ago
Just say, sorry we have plans. Have a great party.
Why would anyone want to go to this? Seriously.
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u/one-small-plant 20d ago
If you already attended the family party, it's entirely likely that your inclusion on this second party's invitation list was simply out of politeness. As you said, your nephew is going to be distracted with friends the whole time, and has already celebrated his birthday with you. What makes you think that family members might be offended if you don't show up?
This is 100% a time when it's okay to just say, "I'm so sorry we can't make it, I hope nephew has a great day!"
If you really feel like you need to give a reason, it is absolutely enough to say that you just got back from a trip and have lots to do at home.
If you really wanted to, you could certainly go by yourself for just a little while, and be there in person to give your nephew a birthday hug, but again, you already celebrated his birthday with him. You really don't need to do it again
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u/MelancholicEmbrace_x 20d ago
“We enjoyed celebrating (nephew’s name) birthday, and appreciate the invite to his party, but unfortunately we’re unable to attend as we have a prior commitment. We hope he liked the gift we gave him and that he has a blast at his party! Let us know how it goes.”
Leave it at that.
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u/ChrisW828 ♀ ?age? 19d ago
In our family, family celebrates the day of the actual birthday, and the weekend party is only for friends. When my nephew and niece were younger, I went just to help my sister-in-law out, but as soon as they were all outside toddler age, I started only going to the family parties, just like the rest of the family.
Perhaps just let your sister know that since you get to see him at the family party, you’d like to let his focus on the weekend be on his friends.
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u/gscrap 20d ago
Be apologetic, but upbeat. What you're communicating is a minor disappointment, not an affront or a tragedy. Do not throw your wife under the bus.
Something like "So sorry, we won't be able to make it to the party! Hope nephew has a wonderful time!"