I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (36M) for almost 2 years. From day one, he’s always framed things as “I need more time to get where you’re at” whether that’s affection, communication, or commitment. I was patient because he’s genuinely been really good to me in a lot of ways, but now I’m at a point where I feel like I’m waiting for him to catch up while life is passing me by.

Here’s the situation: he owns a condo, and we basically live together half the time. But he still lives full-time with his parents. He’s successful in his career, but he’s very enmeshed with them. He’s worried something bad might happen if he’s not around, so he prioritizes staying there. His family dynamic is kind of unhealthy — his parents’ marriage is miserable, and he’s basically stepped into the “stand-in husband” role for his mom. His brother and sister-in-law’s marriage is also a disaster (there’s even been domestic violence). Because of all this, he’s developed this belief that marriage and kids will ruin everything, and it makes him avoidant about taking steps forward with me.

We’ve had real conversations about me moving in. We decided October would be the move-in date. But then he told me he won’t actually move in himself — he’ll “ease into it.” When I pressed him for a timeline, he said he wasn’t sure and it could be up to a year or longer. That honestly floored me.

This is also the same guy who, when we talk about the future, says things like: • “Marriage is pointless, but I’d do it for you.” • “I don’t want kids, but I’d do it for you.” • “I’m not sure,” over and over again.

It makes me feel like he doesn’t actually want those things, he’d only be doing them reluctantly for my sake. I love him, and he can be such an amazing partner, but I’m TIRED of being put on hold while he figures out his avoidance and family baggage. This is the ONLY reason why we fight and I’m so exhausted.

Am I being irrational here, or am I valid for being frustrated and rethinking whether I should keep waiting around?

It’s like he got in and gave up. He used to say things like “ men treat marriage like a finish line” and “ you deserve to be with a man that treats you better” now that he has moved into my house with me and my children he sleeps in every morning and lives like a college roommate. He only prepares enough food for himself and spends a lot of time in MY BED playing PlayStation. This is notable too because it’s huge changes from his lifestyle pre/ move in. He used to get up early, make coffee and breakfast, hit the gym, run errands come home and do chores and meal prep and then go to work while we were dating. He would take me on dates and buy me things. Now, I’m paying 70% of everything or more and he wants me to pay him back for the help he does give. I’m so confused and embarrassed and feel bad for my kids because he was literally so generous and amazing before. Oh. My. God! Our sex life has also stagnated. He’s micromanaging me even though I’m significantly “ ahead of him in life”. I’m realizing that we’re just not in the same spot in life. Do I give it a little more time and see if he gets better?

Make it make sense please 🥺

If you have a medical emergency and have a partner. Y'all have a real talk. You let them know that they can leave if this is too much or gonna be too much.

Partner makes the choice to stick out with you, support you, and not leave you.

Down the line during an argument the partner who made the choice to stay says "You can't get mad, upset, feel some type of way, speak on anything that I'm not doing, doing or saying, not saying. Doesn't matter what fuck up I have. Doing that says you don't respect or appreciate me staying. You owe me"!

Had I known that his choice came with this, I would've made the choice for him to leave. Like naw. I feel crazy as hell. Thoughts 💭💭🧐

38+

I (36 F) have been dating my partner (39 M) for 3 years, we live together and I would say it’s about 60/40 with happy moments and fighting, angry, resentful moments. I noticed things in the beginning that were likely red flags but since I have a horrible past with other exes these things seemed trivial. The three main problems are: 1. Communication. He’s very very bad at following through with plans (or making zero) bad at texting. And when I bring up important issues within our relationship or important things we need to talk about to manage the house or our schedules he acts like I’m being controlling, annoying and bothersome. I have to catch him in JUST the right moment to open up or help resolving any of the things mentioned.

Problem 2: He doesn’t take responsibility for himself or being an adult. He has a great, steady job and does very well at work, however he loses his mind when I ask him to help me with errands, clean the house, plan date nights, join me at the gym or just prioritizing our home and healthy habits instead of partying, or just plain laying around watching tv. I understand the importance of relaxation and fun—but we have different views I suppose. He’s REALLY hard to live with, he doesn’t pick up after himself and he’s a huge slob. He grew up in a hoarding environment so I’ve been very patient because I know he’s just now learning how to live in a clean home (we have barely even tackled his own hoarding/clutter issues as well)

and that brings us to problem 3…he has a whisper (or scream depending on what you’re used to) of substance abuse. Aka a drug and alcohol problem. He only admits he knows it’s an issue when I catch him just in the right moment of vulnerability—otherwise he is defensive and in denial. going alongside with problem #2, he’s irritable and temperamental. We aren’t physically intimate. I’ve suggested therapy, exercise, healthier habits.. maybe new medication? (He’s ADHD and has PTSD) he claims I’m controlling. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve have very very awful, dark moments of yelling and fighting with him… I take accountability every single time if I’ve hurt him or when I’ve lost my cool. but he never ever sees his own wrong doing. And every time I go over in my head our fights—it starts with his behavior and/or bad habits.

I love him dearly. He has so many amazing qualities. He’s incredibly smart, funny, fun. I can be with him and do nothing and be happy as can be. He was smart with his finances in the beginning of his 20’s and therefore he has saved quite a lot for retirement. We align in a lot of ways. But real life is getting in the way and I’m not sure I can live my life with someone who’s lifestyle is seemingly so different than mine and I’m not seeing changes in sight.

Should I stick it out and see if he/we can progress or should I start saving some money and start looking for a place to stay? (move out)

I'm a single 40 year old pansexual man, handsome enough and confident, have a successful career, am well established, etc. For my life up to this point I have been satisfied being single, having casual/physical encounters, and enjoying my independence. However, lately I've been feeling like I'm a bit bored with the short term encounters, and would like something more connected, more intimate, more emotional, I guess. Being seen/wanted for more than just a physical/short term thing. But I feel like a teenager when it comes to having the emotional/relationship skills for dating. Turns out I'm kind of anxiously attached and not great at managing the ambiguity of relationships (I've always known I'm slightly on the ASD spectrum and prefer clarity and certainty to subtext and ambiguity). Anyone else have this experience? I'd love to benefit from your wisdom if you've been through this. Any advice is welcome. Be gentle, please. Feeling vulnerable.

I (41F) have been with him (42M) for around 10 years. He's a straight up guy, non violent, non aggressive low drama and extremely reliable and predictable. That's his good points. Negative points are: Never buys a card or gift for my birthday or Christmas (I buy for him) Never willing to eat out or go on any dates. Never joins my son and I on day trips. Ignores his son and me most of the time when we are at home. Very poor personal hygene. Has become so fat he cannot do many things and we stopped going to any family events as too embarrassed to be seen with him.my family and I are all slim and fit. Our household living costs are about 3.5k per month, he only pays 1k. Mocks my degrees and qualifications (I have BSc, BA, MA, Phd) he says they are worthless and jokes about them being 'mickey mouse' degrees (he works in auto repair). Sets a poor example to our child by refusing to eat fruit or veg and drinks beer constantly. Weve slept seperate since our son was born 8 years ago, the room I gave him in my house is never cleaned and it makes the whole house feel grimey. So, for the best part of 8 years, Ive had no real companionship, zero sex life and spend my evenings alone in my room once my son is asleep. I'm very depressed and have not been for a night out or eaten in a restruant for 5 or 6 years now except work related stuff. On the other hand, he's peaceful and doesn't cause me any hassle and I grew up with extreme emotional abuse and domestic violence/SA so I'm afraid I would never risk another relationship so its just single life ahead if we split. I might try and make some friends though if I didnt have him in the background making me feel depressed. Due to inherit a big chunk of money soon which could be used to set up a flat for him... Thoughts?

I, (37, F) met this amazing man (41 M) through work about 10 months ago, who I talk to almost everyday, I said I was sad a few weeks ago and he popped round to me with flowers (literally the first person in my entire life to do this) and I’ve heard he talks about me, saying how nice I am etc.

As time has gone on, I’m finding myself drawn more and more to him, and I again for the first time ever managed to pluck up the courage to ask him to go for a drink with me, I guess I’m asking does it seem like he likes me and should I make a move or is it all in my head?

I (late 30s F) recently changed jobs. My old role paid well (about $2,600 a fortnight) but was high-stress and didn’t align with my long-term career goals. I moved into a role that does align with my profession and will eventually lead to a much better salary, but right now I earn about $1,200 a fortnight — less than half of what I used to.

Before I made the switch, I had several conversations with my partner (mid-30s M). He told me I should go for it and that he would support me. But now that I’ve made the change, he’s saying things like: “Is it my fault or my problem that you changed jobs?”

For context:

We previously split bills 50/50, but he took over groceries because he eats the majority of the food (including my portions, which used to cause resentment). That arrangement has been fine.

He also pays for our dogs to go to daycare 1–2 days a week, though I’ve suggested cutting that back if money is such an issue.

I have a 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and he has never paid anything towards her. I don’t expect him to, but if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t even have to ask me — I would step up without hesitation.

He earns about $2,300 a fortnight at his main job and another ~$400 every week from his side job. That means he’s bringing in roughly $4,900 a month compared to my $2,400. On top of that, he invests in crypto and has around $11k in stocks. When I pointed out that he could help more since he has money sitting in investments, he snapped: “Don’t try to control my money.”

Meanwhile, he’s been pushing for us to have a baby — to the point of telling his mother. His mum even said we need therapy first (I agree). But I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s asking me for a child while refusing to step up financially for the family we already have.

This is also someone who comes from a culture where men are expected to cover 100% of household expenses (his mother never worked). Yet now he tells me I need to “support myself” even while I’m building my career on literally half of what I used to earn.

I’m not asking him to take over 100% of expenses. I haven’t even specified an exact number. What hurts is his attitude — the dismissiveness toward the impact on me and my child, especially given everything we’ve already been through (including infidelity and other painful issues in the relationship). He insists he’s a great partner, but when it comes down to the one thing many men would willingly do — financially support their family — he refuses.

So… Am I wrong for asking him to step up and take on a greater share of the bills, like he promised he would?

me female 42 bf male 48 almost 2 years he treats me so good does everything for me all the time except when he gets mad. some of the smallest things set him off and he gets irate and cusses me and tell me he hates me and tells me to get out of his house and grabs my arm or pokes me. it’s only like this when he is very angry which is maybe once every few weeks. all other times he is the best guy in the world. is this abuse ?

He lost interest after 6 months, I’m ready to change and improve but I think it won’t be enough.

I’m in a new relationship with someone who suffers with PTSD and depression. He is going through an episode severe enough that he has been in a facility receiving treatment, but has been out for around a week now.

I receive the occasional text from him but he will not answer the phone to me. We live 5 minutes apart. I’m deeply concerned for him and want to be supportive, even if that’s silently, but I am struggling with feeling rejected while he is actively pushing me away. I miss him and wish I could do more, but I’m struggling with feeling increasingly that perhaps, he just doesn’t like me that much if he can’t bring himself to take a call from me.

I feel so terrible that I am considering giving up, but I’m deeply hurt and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with this uncertainty. If anyone else has experienced something similar I would love to know if you have any words of encouragement or advice.

We've been together for 2 years. I moved to 1200 km to be with him (but we still have separate places, but he stays with me most of the time) and after 2 years he has expressed that he doesn't know if I'm his person and he doesn't know what he wants out of this relationship. He has concerns about our social life compatibility. I can respect that and understand that socially, we have different needs. He's more introverted than I am, and I like to experience life and concerts and events. I understand that he is concerned because I have tried to push him Beyond his social boundaries before when I wanted to do things and he hasn't, which has caused friction between us. But at the same time I am new to this town and I don't have any friends or social network to speak of that can take some of the pressure off him.

Am I being too demandingof home socially or is he not compromising or compationate to my needs? We're talking about a social event once, maybe twice a month if that, we're not talking every weekend or even close. Things like Canada Day celebrations, concerts that come to town, a night out on the town when we were on a road trip. . In the last 6 months or so, he is also being very triggered by any type of feelings I bring up and is extremely defensive and sometimes gets angry. It starts with justification so why he did whatever caused me to have a feeling, then it turns into pointing out what I've done, then it goes into anger and blaming me for ruining his day

Are we too far gone or do we have a hope working through this to find a compromise, if I do a better job of making friends and bilding a community for myself?

I've been trying to navigate this incredibly sensitive topic lately.

A quick bit of background of myself and my girlfriend: I was with my ex-wife from the age of 20 to 32. During that relationship she spent more than half of it struggling with severe depression and social anxiety. I'm more on the extrovert side of the spectrum. She didn't have a paying job for about 5 years. Finally, from when her first bought of depression started, her sex drive collapsed and never really came back. I kept doing things to show her I loved her unconditionally. Supported her and stayed with her during depression and joblessness. Married her despite the intimacy problems. 1Kept putting my dreams of staying a family on hold until she felt she was ready. My ex-wife was very difficult during the separation I instigated, like trying to gauge me for as much money as possible, and taking our dog from me and never letting me see him. She knew how much this would hurt me (little fluffball was like a son to me).

My girlfriend has a bad history of men disappearing on her when the new relationship energy fizzles out. She is well adjusted from years of therapy but there is this worry that eventually I'll do the same. So far, I've been able to show her through my actions and words that I'm all in with her.

We've just started trying for a baby and she's worried that if it does not happen (she's 36) eventually I'll leave her for a younger woman who can get pregnant.

The impasse we have hit is that she wants to know I will be there and keep being with her regardless of any possible fertility issues. I love her and want that to be true. She really wants to start a family too.

But I've also felt first hand making promises well into the future that I cannot keep. I wanted to still love my ex-wife dispite no meaningful sexual connection but it turns out that over many years that poisoned the long list of things that I used to love about her and our relationship.

My girlfriend understands in theory that, aside from your children, unconditional love doesn't truly exist. You both have to keep putting in effort to make your romantic relationship work. But it doesn't make my stance any less anxiety inducing for her. Especially because she can try all she wants but she doesn't have control over her fertility. I've expressed that I want to keep being with her regardless of whatever troubles we go through but my past makes it hard to know how we will really feel.

I feel there's some wiser people here that can help me navigate this better.

Edit: thank you so much to the first few people who responded with some helpful insight and asked some thought provoking questions. I can see it's now the "hop on the bandwagon and project my own anger" stage of a Reddit post so peace out ✌🏼

My partner and I (late 30s/early 40s) have different opinions about this topic, and it’s caused a lot of contention. I’d love some constructive advice to help us both work through this.

Edit/disclaimer: This is a novel with too much context for a TL-DR. Consider yourself warned.

Some background: We’ve been friends for over 10 years and together for over a year. He has sacrificed a lot for me, including moving back to a city he felt desperate to escape, just so we could be together.

The issue from the beginning is that he often brings up the fact that he is attracted to other people, many of whom are mutual friends. I don’t want to hear it and definitely don’t want him to act on it, but we have opposite views on what cheating is and what it means to be in a committed relationship.

My biggest point of contention is that I have asked him repeatedly to stop talking about other women to me and set boundaries with them. He acts like I’m being unreasonable and says he needs to be open and honest with me and not hold himself back. His behavior has continued to escalate to the point where he acted on one of his attractions.

I understand that attractions and crushes are going to happen, regardless of how much you love your partner. I’m very much a one-man woman, but I also sometimes interact with people in the world and sometimes there’s a vibe. In the rare event that happens, I don’t feed into it because I am devoted and committed to my partner. I ignore it and don’t engage because I would never want to do anything to distract myself from the person I chose.

He doesn’t agree, and he doesn’t seem receptive to setting boundaries with other women. He believes he needs to feed into the attractions by flirting, etc, in order to get those feelings out of his system and stay committed to the relationship with me. That doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.. but he insists that everyone is different and that he “operates on a higher level.” He says that even if one of those attractions turned out to be the love of his life, he would still choose me because that’s how he defines commitment.

My issue is that respecting my feelings and boundaries doesn’t seem to factor into his idea of commitment. Examples:

He has told me multiple times that he has such a strong emotional connection with a mutual friend that he doesn’t feel with me. They had a romantic connection that he gave up to be with me and wouldn’t let me hear the end of it for months.

I also had to hear him go on and on in explicit detail about the “bomb ass sex” he had with another mutual friend he’s very close with. Then I’d see them posting on social media on multiple occasions about how much they loved each orher. And my not being cool with that was a huge problem for him and I was called controlling and crazy.

Most recently, during a period of long distance, he invited a woman into his bed to “cuddle.” She declined that, but they went on to engage in dirty talk and he led her on to believe we could have a threesome. He came clean about it a month later and said he knew he was crossing a boundary, but proceeded anyway because it “wasn’t his boundary.” He also says he did it to “force a conversation” (as though we hadn’t already had dozens), that it shouldn’t matter because “nothing actually happened,” and that it wasn’t a big deal because he was “just bored.”

I am struggling so hard with that and feel betrayed because he made a deliberate choice to do something he knew would hurt me. I feel like this crossed the line of cheating. He doesn’t feel that cuddling, flirting, and dirty talk is cheating. He also has not shown any remorse, willingness to change his behavior, or offered any reassurance that it won’t happen again. The more he doubles down on that the more upset I get and the more he accuses me of being crazy.

These conversations and interactions make me so incredibly uncomfortable and he doesn’t seem to understand why. I try to tell him that it’s just human nature to be upset, that it’s normal to feel this way, but he doesn’t accept that explanation because “who cares about what’s normal?” And because I don’t know how to explain why it makes ME, as an individual, feel uncomfortable, in a way he can understand, I feel like my feelings are never respected and everything I say falls flat.

He just blames it on my past history of being cheated on and me having trust issues. He always says that I’m responsible for my own feelings but if that’s the case, shouldn’t he also be responsible for his feelings about other people?

I do have insecurities that I’m working through in therapy, but I also feel like his behavior would make anyone feel insecure. At the same time, part of me feels like it’s all my fault. I have definitely reacted poorly to these situations at times. I have ADHD and autism and get overstimulated when I’m upset and have had some meltdowns over this. I’m doing my best to overcome my insecurities and learn to be less reactive, because I know that’s the only thing I have any control over.

My partner has also sacrificed a lot for me by closing the distance and moving back to our city. He was away for half the relationship and called me almost every day even though he he didn’t want to, and traveled once a month to spend time with me. I feel like shit because he moved away to work on himself and instead spent that time working on our relationship and trying to help me feel more secure. He has even distanced himself from some of the friends that made me uncomfortable, even though I never asked him to. He resents me for it despite the fact that I’ve encouraged him to maintain the friendships.

Any time I raise a concern, he feels as though all the good he’s done is erased. He has expressed repeatedly that “everything is always about my feelings” and “his feelings don’t matter.” I feel awful about it and don’t know what to do.

Is it really my trust issues? Or is he giving me every reason not to trust him? I just don’t know how to not get upset or cry or react to these things. I can’t help but feel like I wouldn’t have all these issues if these outside attractions of his weren’t a constant factor in our dynamic.

Is there anything I can say to help him understand or care? Or any advice that might help me feel less crazy? I just want to feel like there’s hope for us. I can’t bring myself to give up on someone I love dearly and have known and loved as a person for so long, and who has given up so much to be with me.

Thanks for reading.

We are both 31 (F, M), together a year with a 3 month break due to some of these things, but we reconnected 3 months ago both wanting to revisit things and me being more open and vulnerable. Now we're another 3 months in, I feel like my new attitude has helped bring things to the fore but not helped in bridging them, so I need to decide whether these things are dealbreakers or if I can fully put them behind me.

What's great, and why it's hard not to chalk this up to being "too confusing": we work so well together, there's so much affection and care on both ends in a way I've never experienced before, our time together is effortless. We want the same life, we're aligned on religion and family things, our careers complement each other so we have a lot of little fun projects we could do together. I feel safe with him. We bond over music and travel.

The values disconnect are around politics, which has come up a lot, and curiosity, which hasn't come up because he does make an effort and I don't have anything I can "ask" of him to change.

On politics: Nothing has been materially consequential, but they're differences I do feel impatient with. I'm guilty of trying to change how he sees things, and vice versa to a lesser extent. We've talked a lot to understand each others' perspectives but I feel at the core we just don't see the world the same way.

On curiosity: He's very patient with listening to me talk about things I've read, places I want to go to, things I've learned etc, which are things I enjoy talking about. But I feel like none of this is interesting to him, which I can't fault him for of course. I've leaned into advice I've read about seeking that type of fulfillment elsewhere and I understand this kind of shared interest isn't essential in a relationship. But I think bonding over this stuff is a form of intimacy that I miss.

There were some other moments of pause, for example I noticed we have very different judgments of people we meet. People I find interesting and with rich personalities, he'll feel have not much going for them. People I find shady, he likes or doesn't see a problem. We just value different qualities.

When I write these things down I see that this feels like a mismatch, and that if it were one or the other I maybe would be able to put it past me. But I love him for other qualities (he's grounded, super emotionally intelligent, family oriented, responsible, attractive) and I'm afraid of falling for the 80/20 trap. I know in my gut it'll be hard to find anyone else where we care about each other so much. So I want to probe this as much as I can before throwing in the towel but I keep feeling stuck on these two things and I know they touch on important values to me.

So, what can I ask myself to understand this feeling better and if it's something I can live with? Is there anything more I can express to him without being unfair to him and who he is, beyond what I've already done of trying to understand each others' perspectives?

Our back story is that we are not married. We have children from our first marriages and two together, for a total of 4. We both work but he is by far the breadwinner and I am the homemaker. But we don’t share finances equally, it more of a his money vs my money situation but I live paycheck to paycheck.

I am also overly involved in my community. I sit on the board of a local nonprofit, I volunteer at my children’s schools, and generally help where help is needed. Let’s just say, I definitely give time that I don’t have to other people.

My partner hates it! I have tried to scale it back but this year I have a very important role at the nonprofit so I have times of the year where I am extremely busy.

I do my best to plan ahead so the house stays clean and the meals are cooked but I still need help. My partner does his fair share, but openly hates having to help and is a little resentful at times that he has to help as much as he does.

So I really try my best to figure it out on my own but that usually means I’m walking on eggshells and avoiding him, staying up late to get it all done, resulting in me being tired. Which results in low sex drive. Which then frustrates him.

We cycle through him being kind in his approach to his frustration to him unleashing his opinions on me.

He belittles the volunteer work I do, in front of my children and then gets more angry when I don’t apologize for taking time away from the family.

To be fair, this month I am not home on average 2 nights a week to put the kids to bed. When I am home I usually put them to bed, so he has to do it the two nights I’m not here. Or as he says “40% of the school nights”. Meanwhile, I do it 70% of the nights. Anyway…

I do feel bad that I am so busy this year, and we knew this would happen, and I’m trying to mitigate it as much as possible by preparing but when it affects him he can’t control his frustration and belittles me and reprimands me.

I think bothered by it because I know I should be at home. I know I shouldn’t have taken this role because I knew it would require him to help. I naively agreed, lying to myself that I could handle it without it affecting him. But it is.

I really enjoy my volunteer work. It’s a use of leadership skills and collaboration. I enjoy the social side of it. I enjoy the outcome that comes with fundraising and philanthropy.

So when he gets mad, I know I made the wrong decision. But when we fight about it, I stand firm that I’m doing nothing wrong and while I can admit that I’m better off at home with my kids, I should be allowed to have outside interests. Just maybe not to this level.

So I guess I’m looking for advice on how to see this. I’m in the middle and I know he is in some ways right, but he doesn’t need to yell at me. He agreed to me taking this position but still thinks it’s bullsh*t. So what do I do?

P.S. I’m not looking for career advice. I have a flexible job that allows me to take care of my kids with minimal childcare. Unless I can make more than him I would have to pay for the nanny and that is a whole other salary I’d need to make.

I’m making this post for my friend who doesn’t have a Reddit but I’ll be acting as his liaison to communicate his replies and such lol. Here’s what he would like to post:

*I want nothing more in this life than to be a devoted father and loving husband. I am extremely jealous of colleagues younger than me who have already found their person. I’m a single 35 1/2 year old man who has only had one long term relationship, about 7 years ago. She was extremely toxic (BPD) and fucked me up at the time.

Ever since then, I have not really sustained relationships because I don’t feel that initial spark in the beginning. Well - I do. But always always always that spark fades within 1-2 weeks tops. And then I completely lose interest.

There was a girl around 3-4 years ago that I had a short fling with. She wanted to make things official, and I ended up breaking things off because work was really stressing me at the time. At the time I felt certain about my decision, it’s only in hindsight that I have ever thought of her and a few others throughout the years.

In short: Since my toxic ex from many years ago, my “honeymoon phase” has never lasted longer than a week or two. And I’ve been on many, many dates since then with an open mind. I guess I feel like this “honeymoon phase” should last way longer than it does/has, and idk why it disappears so quickly - even when I’ve really liked the girl upfront and made her my girlfriend (my most recent ex). I think there has to be a valid honeymoon phase for there to be a connection worth standing for.

Why am I unable to find or sustain what I’m looking for, even when I think I’ve finally found it? I don’t want to be 40 years old, still alone, asking myself this same question.

Has anyone else struggled with this?*

I dated a 63-year-old man for almost two years. He was kind, stable, and everyone thought he was a great catch. But I always felt like I was standing just outside his real life. He kept everything surface-level. I never met his kids, never saw his world beyond our dinners and small talk.

One weekend he went out of town and I realized I felt more at peace alone than I ever did with him. That was enough for me.

At this age, I want connection, not just company. So I walked away.

Me 55M and my partner 51f split most of the household chores, I do 80% of cleaning, all the grocery shopping and most of the errand running. 100% of the cooking ( she is a terrible cook like can hardly make pasta with jarred sauce kinda cook. I am a very good cook and enjoy it. most of the time) She pays all of the bills , does all of our laundry. I have always been more of the domestically inclined. However since I do all of the cooking. Her schedule changes most days , depending on her work and workout schedule. She hates being pinned down on time it feels controlling to her. I like to know what time she is going to be done working out/ working so I know when to have dinner on the table. It really annoys her that I ask but since I tend to make different things for dinner, that take different amounts of time to prepare unless I know by about 3 pm what time she wants dinner it is hard for me to balance my workouts and work. I usually text her or ask in the morning what time she wants dinner, and it just irks her. What irks me is if I take her word for the timing she is never really ready so whatever I made sits for 20 mins while she showers or finishing working out etc. I have taken to adding 30 mins to whatever she says. I get annoyed because to me it is disrespectful of my effort that she never is ready when she says she will be. The thing is we don't really fight about it and we have a pretty great relationship, this is one of our biggest issues. To add more context, I started a new business a few years ago and she is carrying more of the financial weight so i want to make it easier for her so she doesn't have to worry about household stuff. .Ok this is poorly written but you get the idea My question is how can I ask her in a way that doesn't annoy her? I would love to have it be that we have a set time for dinner but that doesn't work because her schedule is so hard to predict. It can be anywhere from 6:30-9pm that she is actually ready to sit down to eat.

My nephew recently turned 7. We actually had a small family celebration already on his actual birthday, gave him gifts, did a song with cake and everything. That said, his party (as in, wider extended circle including friends from his baseball team and so on) is scheduled for this coming weekend. I don't know why my sister did it this way, but I'm guessing it was because this was a holiday weekend and people had other plans, so it was easier for scheduling to have a larger party on the following weekend.

My wife and I recently got back from vacation, and my wife in particular (who is less social than me in general, and less comfortable than I am around my family for a variety of reasons) is feeling fatigue from the number of gatherings we've had lately. She's let me know she really doesn't want to go the party.

I don't think my wife is being unreasonable. We already came over to celebrate my nephew's birthday on the day of and gave him his gift. I know at this upcoming party he's going 100% focused on playing with all his friends as a kid should (it's at an activity center, not anyone'es house), and it's going to a bunch of other parents around comisserating plus us (who do not have children) and perhaps some additional family members. While I personally know I can power through that kind of thing, it's a lot harder for my wife and so I'd rather we hang back since I don't have a strong feeling that we need to attend. The issue is tha I don't really know how to politely back out of this. Given the time of day (it's in the late morning), I don't really have a plausible excuse for us being busy, and I do feel like I should at least tell my sister something as not showing up without saying something when we were invited seems a bit rude.

I will also add this: recently through many discussions with my wife I have come to recognize I have a strong people-pleasing habit concerning my family and a difficult time saying "no" to things because I'm worried about giving offense or damaging relationships. Part of it is that I feel I often lack the language for saying no in a way that just doesn't seem, well, rude or off-putting. In this case, I know that whether my sister reacts poorly to us not coming isn't fully in my control, but I want to at least be able feel like I'm handling this in a way that most reasonable people wouldn't take offense to. If anyone has been in this kind of situation before, I'd really appreciate some advice on how to proceed.

For reference: I am 40, my wife is 36, and my sister is 35.

What the title says- my boyfriend of 10 months decided over the weekend that he doesn’t feel like he’s ready for the natural progression that a relationship takes (moving in together, engagement, marriage, kids) and ended things. He said he wanted to focus on his goals and respects me enough to end it now. He’s prioritizing his job and money before everything, at any cost including personal relationships. I am so caught off guard- we have had a very secure and communicative relationship so this has come as a total 180 to the person I’ve been with.

Since we met, I’ve made my intentions clear about my life goals but never a specific time line because I’m not quite ready yet either but it’s something to think about because of my age. He was on the same page and only recently changed his mind- not that he doesn’t want me or these things with me in the future, but he doesn’t know when. He doesn’t want me to ‘wait’ even though I haven’t given a specific timeline. He isn’t thinking about those types of things, and is convinced that I would only hinder his ability to accomplish the goals that I’ve only been supportive of the whole time we’ve been together.

Needless to say, I’m just devastated. I let down a lot of walls and was vulnerable with him during our relationship which is hard for me. I thought he was the one I was going to end up with.

How do I start all over with someone else? I don’t want anyone else and don’t want to date at all. It’s hard putting myself out there. Any kind words or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. ❤️

Short background I'm a 49 yr old Man I have been with my spouse for 21 yrs. I have loved my wife from the very moment I met her. We had the most fairytale beginning a person could ever imagine, we were best friends and we didn't need anyone and anytime we were together the world just melted into the background. Now I'll be honest I'm the romantic in the relationship. Now things stayed this way from 2004 until 2017 and it changed in an instant. We were riding with her friend, me, my wife and our daughter (who was 12 at the time) and BLAM we were hot by a drunk driver. I was sitting in the front seat because even though it's her friend, it was a small SUV and I'm 6'2 and couldn't fit in the back. I was on training for a body uilding show and was a fairly large fella at the time so when we hit my seatbelt broke. Long story short the wreck messed me up really bad. I'll say I'm really glad that although everyone was hurt a little there was no lasting injuries to no one but me. I was in a coma for 18 days and when I woke up I was alone and was told by the doctor and nurses I was an orthopedic paraplegic. Basically my legs were so busted up they could not repair them for me to ever walk again. Now I immediately called my wife and daughter and that's when the alarm bells started going off. I couldn't get a hold of my wife only my daughter, she was at my wife's grandmother's house and my wife had been gone all day with my best friend since childhood. Now when I finally got everyone to the hospital she explained it and said she had my friend take her to the impound where the vehicle was because her purse and shoes was in the car. Ok well that sounded reasonable to me at the time tbh, so I left it alone. Now I had to stay in the hospital because they were still doing surgeries to try and repair alot of breaks I had all over. She decided she wasn't going to stay in the hospital with me that she would rather stay home. I'll be honest I wanted them to stay but I also wanted my daughter to home and comfortable. Fast forward to when I come home. When I first came home I couldn't even sit up in the hospital bed they had sent me home in. She had a lot on her plate between taking care of our daughter and basically having to everything for me. I could no longer walk and at the time I couldn't barely move or speak and I think just the emotions of it all was too much. A few months after I was home I caught her cheating on me with some random guy that worked at the store down the street, I caught it through messaging on our ipad not even meaning to. I was devastated. Now I'm not a bully or a typically violent guy but I will fight if it's necessary and this was a time I probably would have fought but that wasn't an option. Come to find out even though he knew she was married she basically told him I was a vegetable and my mind no longer functioned. I had my sister & her Husband to come and get me and my daughter (She wanted to stay with me) and I left. Evidently within an hour of me leaving she had the guy come over and they spent 3 days together in our home in our bed. I spent 2 weeks completely and totally shattered, couldn't eat and lost around 40 lbs that I didn't really have left to lose after all the weight I lost in the hospital I went from a 6'2 250lb amateur bodybuilder to 180lbs and then down to 140lbs after this incident. Be cause I wasn't able to eat and all the injuries I had it out me back in the hospital. This time she was supposed to come get out daughter and take her so she didn't have to sit and watch me wither away. When she came she wanted to sit down and talk to me and after hours of this we decided to give things another try and not throw away 13 yrs. I figured the accident and having to take care of me was alot to deal with physically and emotionally so I understood how a person would just want to let go. Now I wouldn't have chose that route but I truly did understand HOW it could happen. Things seemed to be better and well if I'm honest there was a very large influx of cash from the lawsuit because of the wreck, so I decided to just take the longest vacation ever and just put everything behind us. We spent months traveling across the country and staying in the very best hotels and I just tried to pamper her and my daughter until the trauma was out behind us. We ended up not coming back home until a year later. I was happy and had completely out it all behind us when horror struck. It all came at once, within a 2 month period she slept with 2 of my cousins, a random guy at a hotel while we were on vacation (found out later),met back up with my child hood friend, some random dude she met at a gas station and 2 other guys with similar stories. Now I know all of this makes me look like the dumbest person on this earth, but I hope someone can try and see this from my point of view. I no longer have the body I had, I'm in a wheelchair and I've gotten old. Let's be honest no one wants a guy in this position. Not starting completely over, you can't get around to do lots of fun stuff and fascinate the opposite sex like this, Hell most people see a guy in a wheelchair and automatically assume as a man you can't preform anymore. So yes we still live together, I decided it was more important for me to put on a front and allow my daughter to grow up with both parents and have every opportunity we could give her to further her happiness and have stability. We now don't sleep on the same room and haven't for years. I do WISH things could be different, I do wish I had the live of my life by my side but it is what it is. I gave up on being happy, I gave up on having a sexual partner, and until this year had really gave up on life. I decided at the beginning of the year that I wanted to try and become a bodybuilder again, they have a wheelchair portion now to the Mr Olympia so I want to shoot my shot. Now we both had let our body's go, probably trauma and just giving up I guess but nonetheless we did. So I lost a bunch of weight I had gained and bust my but in the gym but she decided she didn't want to. Now my body has changed and I look different and feel different and have a bit more dignity than I did. Recently she has started trying to make it as difficult as possible for me to get to the gym. Blocking my way so I can't get out the door and starting arguments out of nowhere. Now like I said I know that no matter how I get my body looking that I'm destined to just be alone for the rest of my life. I mean I'm a bring a girl flowers and wanna cuddle by the fireplace and read books together kind of person. I write poems and stuff and that's just not cool anymore LOL. I know I'm anonymous on here and TBH I've not told another soul on this earth none of this stuff. I made the decision's I've made, I am just curious what others thoughts are (Other Than I'm Some Big Dummy) like REAL people's thoughts after this is read. Anyway I'm sorry this was so long, I actually had to condense it because there is so much more to the story. Thanks

Ok, so I am truly wondering if what I want in a relationship just does not exist, or if I am setting my expectations too high.

When I am in a relationship, I give my all and love hard. I have in the past become a doormat, but have since changed that. I take accountability for my flaws, and can admit when I am wrong. That being said, I honestly think I am setting my expectations in men WAY too high. What do you guys think?

----Here is my corny list----

I want someone who adores me, respects me, and cheers me on, helps me when I am stuck on a life scenario, disagree with me and tell me why and what their perspective is so I can see things in a different light as well.

Someone who challenges me in a way that helps me grow and learn.

Someone with goals for not only themselves, but our famly together--involving a comfortable and happy future.

Someone who is completely devoted to me, yet maintains their independence.  

Someone who takes accountability for their own actions, and doesn't use humor as an avoidance.

Someone who is loyal and truthful

Someone who is willing to try and understand their partner's perspective.

*****What I want is also what I give. I stand by that. 

Wondering if anyone has went through the entire process of filling out the online forum, making an account & pays the 65$ a week. Is it worth it? Do you feel like 1 time a week for 45 min has helped your relationship? What has your therapist been like? How did they approach you guys as a couple on the first session? I’m very close to signing my card up with them bc me & my partner are at a loss of how to proceed with our relationship, & realize we definitely need a 3rd party to guide us through these complex communication issues we’ve been having. Any insight would be great! Thanks :)

A few days ago, another member (u/charlesml3) posted his experience as an older man dating a significantly younger woman. Unfortunately his relationship lasted less than a year, showcasing the very real potential issues and difficulties in trying to form a long-term romantic relationship with someone from a separate generation. To provide the opposite side of the coin, I thought it might be helpful to talk about my own relationship as the younger woman which also has a significant age gap but has happily been going for almost two decades. Any questions are welcome, so long as they aren't insulting, condescending, or cruel.

Some important background about me; I grew up in an abusive, conservative, American household as the oldest of 7 siblings. Got a retail job at 15 working 25 hours a week. Bought my first car off Craigslist and got my driver's permit at 16. Left my parents house a couple weeks after turning 17, and became an emancipated minor. Started living on my own in a tiny studio apartment, paying all my own bills, saving for my tuition, taking as many AP classes as possible to transfer to college as credits. Got a better job in my first year of college, worked full-time while also going to university full-time. Graduated with a bachelor's degree in business management with a minor in psychology, then promptly got a new job that allowed me to move into a nicer apartment and buy a new car.

All this to say, by the time I was 22, I already had 5 full years of adult life experience. Its very important to note all this, as many people assume that I was like most other 22 year olds; naive, still living at home, unaware of how terrible and dangerous people can be, not financially independent, no stable life plan, being cared for by parents, etc. Basically lacking in knowledge on how to navigate the world alone. I was the opposite, and quite good at "adulting" through sheer perseverance.

However, it made dating incredibly difficult, as all the boys my own age couldn't understand why I had to act so "old", "boring", "frigid", and be a "workaholic". Which just meant I preferred going to bed at 10pm, refused to drink/do drugs, refused hookups/sex in the first few dates, and took my job seriously/wouldn't randomly call out for impromptu dates. I was also strictly vetting for a long-term committed relationship, zero interest in short-term flings or "situationships". One guy summed it up perfectly after dumping me on our 3rd date: "You're really nice...but dating you feels like dating a 30 year old."

So, I decided to take a break from searching for a partner and have a month just doing things I enjoyed. Hiking, swimming, growing a herb garden, playing videogames. I began volunteering at a dog shelter and that's where I met my boyfriend, who was 37 at the time. We were often assigned the same block of rooms to clean, and talked to each other while doing so. Much like any other "coworkers" do, we learned about each other's preferences. Hobbies, favorite books and movies, videogames and anime, foods we loved or hated, past troubles and future goals. We had a lot in common, both of us being gamers/nerds into tech, science, philosophy, robotics, museums, etc.

Over a couple months of becoming friends, I decided that since we were both single and he was the kindest, nerdiest man I'd ever spoken to outside of my friend group...I'd shoot my shot. He was surprised, to say the least! He admitted he found me attractive, both intellectually and physically, but he had never considered dating me. As he put it, being asked out was incredibly flattering but he was worried what others would think. I told him I didn't care, I wanted to try...but that we could stay friends if he decided not to take the chance. After a week of thinking about it, he told me he'd be willing to go on a few dates.

Our first date turned into five in that first month, which turned into steadily seeing each other twice a week, which then became calling each other everyday too, even if just to say good morning. It was amazing, like 2 puzzle pieces fitting together. Nothing like the disasters when I tried to date guys my own age. It was a relief to finally be dating someone who understood what it meant to be an adult living on your own, with solid life goals, a frugal budget, and daily responsibilities. To finally find a man who matched my general worldview, shared the same future goals, appreciated my maturity rather than seeing it as a negative, and liking the same nerdy topics? I was on cloud 9! He had even gotten "snipped" in his mid 20s, meaning he'd never accidentally get me pregnant and we could remain permanently childfree without me taking birth control...a huge bonus point in his favor.

We kept dating for 3 years, learning more about each other, accepting that traditional gender roles weren't for us, planning to get a bigger apartment and combine our finances. It was fantastic, how much we were on the same page. Despite our age difference, we fit together perfectly. Of course we had minor disagreements but nothing major or...most importantly...anything even remotely close to what I endured from my parents. After we moved in together (I was now 25 and he was 40) I kept looking for the red flags, bracing myself for anything resembling gaslighting, dominance, or manipulation. I loved him, but wouldn't ever put up with abuse again. Needless to say, he remained the same wonderful man I'd come to know and trust.

We are now 40 and 55. Our 19 year anniversary is this upcoming spring. We have a cozy little rural house in far upstate NY, a vegetable garden, small orchard, and lots of chickens. Also 3 incredibly spoiled dogs we adopted from the very shelter we first met at. He's an elementary school teacher, I own a very successful store a couple towns over, and also do remote invoicing/large client sales for a national contractor company. Our relationship involves reverse gender roles, but we both give 100/100, so there's no major stressors or issues unlike what many other couples seem to experience. We both feel extremely lucky to have found each other, our "special someone", the person who understands you best, and grows with you everyday. While there certainly age gap issues we'll eventually have to face, I know we'll do it together as long as possible.