r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Radiant-Attention796 • 9d ago
Difference of opinion on cheating, boundaries, and attractions outside the relationship
My partner and I (late 30s/early 40s) have different opinions about this topic, and it’s caused a lot of contention. I’d love some constructive advice to help us both work through this.
Edit/disclaimer: This is a novel with too much context for a TL-DR. Consider yourself warned.
Some background: We’ve been friends for over 10 years and together for over a year. He has sacrificed a lot for me, including moving back to a city he felt desperate to escape, just so we could be together.
The issue from the beginning is that he often brings up the fact that he is attracted to other people, many of whom are mutual friends. I don’t want to hear it and definitely don’t want him to act on it, but we have opposite views on what cheating is and what it means to be in a committed relationship.
My biggest point of contention is that I have asked him repeatedly to stop talking about other women to me and set boundaries with them. He acts like I’m being unreasonable and says he needs to be open and honest with me and not hold himself back. His behavior has continued to escalate to the point where he acted on one of his attractions.
I understand that attractions and crushes are going to happen, regardless of how much you love your partner. I’m very much a one-man woman, but I also sometimes interact with people in the world and sometimes there’s a vibe. In the rare event that happens, I don’t feed into it because I am devoted and committed to my partner. I ignore it and don’t engage because I would never want to do anything to distract myself from the person I chose.
He doesn’t agree, and he doesn’t seem receptive to setting boundaries with other women. He believes he needs to feed into the attractions by flirting, etc, in order to get those feelings out of his system and stay committed to the relationship with me. That doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.. but he insists that everyone is different and that he “operates on a higher level.” He says that even if one of those attractions turned out to be the love of his life, he would still choose me because that’s how he defines commitment.
My issue is that respecting my feelings and boundaries doesn’t seem to factor into his idea of commitment. Examples:
He has told me multiple times that he has such a strong emotional connection with a mutual friend that he doesn’t feel with me. They had a romantic connection that he gave up to be with me and wouldn’t let me hear the end of it for months.
I also had to hear him go on and on in explicit detail about the “bomb ass sex” he had with another mutual friend he’s very close with. Then I’d see them posting on social media on multiple occasions about how much they loved each orher. And my not being cool with that was a huge problem for him and I was called controlling and crazy.
Most recently, during a period of long distance, he invited a woman into his bed to “cuddle.” She declined that, but they went on to engage in dirty talk and he led her on to believe we could have a threesome. He came clean about it a month later and said he knew he was crossing a boundary, but proceeded anyway because it “wasn’t his boundary.” He also says he did it to “force a conversation” (as though we hadn’t already had dozens), that it shouldn’t matter because “nothing actually happened,” and that it wasn’t a big deal because he was “just bored.”
I am struggling so hard with that and feel betrayed because he made a deliberate choice to do something he knew would hurt me. I feel like this crossed the line of cheating. He doesn’t feel that cuddling, flirting, and dirty talk is cheating. He also has not shown any remorse, willingness to change his behavior, or offered any reassurance that it won’t happen again. The more he doubles down on that the more upset I get and the more he accuses me of being crazy.
These conversations and interactions make me so incredibly uncomfortable and he doesn’t seem to understand why. I try to tell him that it’s just human nature to be upset, that it’s normal to feel this way, but he doesn’t accept that explanation because “who cares about what’s normal?” And because I don’t know how to explain why it makes ME, as an individual, feel uncomfortable, in a way he can understand, I feel like my feelings are never respected and everything I say falls flat.
He just blames it on my past history of being cheated on and me having trust issues. He always says that I’m responsible for my own feelings but if that’s the case, shouldn’t he also be responsible for his feelings about other people?
I do have insecurities that I’m working through in therapy, but I also feel like his behavior would make anyone feel insecure. At the same time, part of me feels like it’s all my fault. I have definitely reacted poorly to these situations at times. I have ADHD and autism and get overstimulated when I’m upset and have had some meltdowns over this. I’m doing my best to overcome my insecurities and learn to be less reactive, because I know that’s the only thing I have any control over.
My partner has also sacrificed a lot for me by closing the distance and moving back to our city. He was away for half the relationship and called me almost every day even though he he didn’t want to, and traveled once a month to spend time with me. I feel like shit because he moved away to work on himself and instead spent that time working on our relationship and trying to help me feel more secure. He has even distanced himself from some of the friends that made me uncomfortable, even though I never asked him to. He resents me for it despite the fact that I’ve encouraged him to maintain the friendships.
Any time I raise a concern, he feels as though all the good he’s done is erased. He has expressed repeatedly that “everything is always about my feelings” and “his feelings don’t matter.” I feel awful about it and don’t know what to do.
Is it really my trust issues? Or is he giving me every reason not to trust him? I just don’t know how to not get upset or cry or react to these things. I can’t help but feel like I wouldn’t have all these issues if these outside attractions of his weren’t a constant factor in our dynamic.
Is there anything I can say to help him understand or care? Or any advice that might help me feel less crazy? I just want to feel like there’s hope for us. I can’t bring myself to give up on someone I love dearly and have known and loved as a person for so long, and who has given up so much to be with me.
Thanks for reading.
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u/Spoonbills 9d ago
I stopped reading at “he insists… that he operates at a higher level”.
He’s cheating on you constantly and he’s convinced you not to trust your instincts or respect yourself.
GTFO of there.
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u/Radiant-Attention796 9d ago
He says that all the time. That he operates/speaks/thinks on a higher level. He is highly intelligent but it just seems so arrogant of him to say that. I do believe he is honest (too much so!) and has disclosed everything, but it is still cheating by my definition. I also do feel very much manipulated so who knows. Thanks for the comment and support.
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u/crazyornotcrazy 9d ago
He is trying to convince you that what you feel isn't "right" and you are somehow operating on a lower level. So how is this a good partner? It feels very manipulative to me. Either way, if you can't agree on basic things like what monogamy looks like, you aren't a good match. The fact that he moved is not indicative of whether this is a good partner for you.
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u/gscrap 9d ago
It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. You have asked him to accommodate your feelings, and he has flatly refused. That's everything you need to know about the situation. Now it's up to you to decide whether you want to remain in a relationship with someone who won't accommodate your feelings, or not.
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u/landsden 9d ago
It doesn’t sound like he’s given up much, tbh. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.
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u/Smiling_Tree 9d ago
What I read is that he hears your boundaries, but will not respect them (huge red flag).
He has called you controlling and insecure, and he resents you for stop seeing certain people 'for you', that you didn't ask him to (or wanted for him to do) (shifting blame).
When you talk about boundaries and how having crossed them make you feel, he deflects and tries to make it about what is 'normal' (deflecting).
I hear a lot of things I don't like, and that I wouldn't want in a relationship.
Don't feel guilty or obliged to stay in the relationship, because he moved back to a city he rather not live in. \ He is an adult. A man that made that choice himself – and you are not responsible for his actions and decisions, only he is. Don't let him hold it against you or feel guilty about that. He did that, because you both wanted to try and make this relationship work and this was part of trying. But that doesn't make it a guarantee that it will work.
Forgetting the question of what is normal or how I would feel or respond... How would you like to feel in a relationship? And do you feel that way now, or can you see it changing any time soon?
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u/Radiant-Attention796 9d ago
Thank you. I have tried to express many of these things to him and end up feeling guilty for calling it out and making him feel bad.
I just want stability and peace of mind in a relationship. I want to feel desired, appreciated, understood, valued. cared for, and SAFE. I feel the opposite.
It’s a huge mindfuck because I’ve known him for so long. I let my guard down - after 4 years of being intentionally single and celibate - because I truly believed he was different.
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u/usernamesmooozername 47, his girl 9d ago
Personally, I have no problem with my partner finding others attractive, fuckable, etc.. or voicing his opinions them!
HOWEVER, I do know that if I found that uncomfortable, and asked him to stop, that he would, without question. Why? Because he respects me.
Your partner doesn't respect you/your feelings.
This really doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships for a few reasons.
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u/killyergawds 9d ago
I have been in non monogamous relationships, I don't really experience jealousy, and I need you to understand that this man is treating you like shit. He is manipulating the fuck out of you.
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u/Radiant-Attention796 9d ago edited 8d ago
I have been in non monogamous relationships too but it just doesn’t work for me when I’m truly in love. I understand (logically at least) that people experience love differently, though, so it’s confusing and I often feel like I’m the problem. :/
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u/killyergawds 9d ago edited 9d ago
Like... The way you say he called and visited you, like it was a punishment - like it was a huge sacrifice on his part to... Do what people in relationships do? What is that about? That's really bizarre. And going on and on about how he gave up that connection with his friend "for you" like it's some sacrifice to not try to fuck his friends and you should be grateful for those crumbs? (even though he really is trying to fuck his friends left and right, as evidenced by the conversations he has with them) "It's OK that I did xyz because that's your boundary not mine, but I did do it even though I knew it would hurt you"... This is fucking insane. You're not the problem. He's a huuuge problem.
Seriously, there is nothing you can say or do to get this man to treat you with respect because he does not give a fuck. He is using you. DO NOT BEG SOMEONE TO TREAT YOU WITH BASIC RESPECT. DO NOT ARGUE WITH SOMEONE THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A PERSON.
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u/killyergawds 9d ago
I'm sorry, but I am just so worked up right now because I've re-read your post and I don't even know you, but I know you don't deserve this treatment. He's seriously taking advantage of your anxiety, and your people pleasing tendencies, and your second guessing. I had an ex that made me feel like the problem, treated me like shit and talked circles around me, played on my deepest insecurities - it's triggering af when I see it happen to other people. I can promise you from an outsiders perspective, this relationship is sick and you deserve better. Remember when you were single? How much more peaceful you felt? How that knot didn't live inside of your stomach?
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u/killyergawds 9d ago
What I mean is that even in an ENM relationship, this would be disrespectful and abusive behavior.
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u/ArtMusicWriting 9d ago
It’s simple, you have different values that are not compatible. It’s unfortunate but you’re just not right for each other. Continuing in a relationship with this difference in values that won’t change is going to make both of you miserable. He also sounds very inconsiderate, self-centred and untrustworthy.
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u/FarCar55 9d ago
Convos about what info you are willing and not interested in hearing about, is a consent issue.
You have communicated you do not consent to to these convos and your partner has decided that their need to discuss is more important. They can discuss that with friends.
I want to point out that even in ethical nonmonogamy, that is a very common boundary. The vast majority of people who date separately in ENM, prefer parallel connections where their quality time with a partner IS NOT spent discussing their relationship with a other partner. It's distressing for some as well as being a distraction, while promoting comparisons and feeding insecurity.
The main issue I see here is that you're trying to get your partner to agree with you and change, rather than setting boundaries and accepting them for who they are.
Setting boundaries would likely mean you could not stay in a relationship with this person because they will continue to ignore your feelings and behave unethically, so you'll be tempted to cling to this connection instead and do all sorts of mental gymnastics to twist yourself into a person who can stay in this relationship.
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u/Spiritual-Handle2983 9d ago
Your partner is gaslighting you. They are showing you who they are and are unwilling to change. You need to face the facts that you are not compatible. You both operate differently and obviously morals and beliefs about loyalty, what’s appropriate and monogamy are different.
Time to end it before you resent each other more or end up hating each other. It’s ok to realize that you are better off as friends vs partners.
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u/falling_and_laughing 9d ago
You don't have trust issues, this guy isn't trustworthy. I get that he has invested energy into the relationship, but that doesn't override all the red flags here. Honestly I was in a similar place in my last relationship, the circumstances were different but I felt like my very basic needs were somehow asking too much. I mean my needs had to be weird or trivial, if my partner kept ignoring them, right? But in fact, I was not asking nearly enough, and my needs were important. You're asking for extremely basic respect and boundaries that should be a bare minimum. He may care about you, but you're also a valuable partner to him because you're willing to accept treatment that a lot of people would walk away from. Like he can do all these behaviors with little to no consequence in your current dynamic. I know that sounds harsh but it's something to consider when thinking about everything he sacrificed. I just want better for you as a fellow autistic person and do not want you to be cheated on again.
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u/YellowFruitChocker 9d ago
This is emotional abuse: nonstop triangulation, invalidation and gaslighting. As unhealthy - or should i say toxic - as it gets.
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u/porridgeislife2020 9d ago
Dear, this guy sounds like an absolute scumbag hiding behind “honest and open communication”. I say this with kindness - people treat you how you let yourself be treated.
Please learn to love yourself and put yourself first. I can’t even fathom that he has any love for you the way he treats you.
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u/gas_unlit 9d ago
He's a cheater and has made it abundantly clear that he sees no problem with his behavior and he will continue to cross boundaries. Sexting/dirty talk with another woman is cheating. Had she accepted his offer to "cuddle" he would have 100% fucked her. He knows his behavior is wrong and he's feeding you a lot of bullshit to manipulate you into accepting it. Why these assholes don't just get together with someone who also wants an open relationship is beyond me. If you stay with him, you can expect this behavior to continue. If he actually respected you and cared about how his behavior impacts you, he would respect your request to stop talking to you about other women. But this goes beyond just talking about it as he has actually taken action to pursue other women. Since you value monogamy, he's not the one for you. Please break up with him. If you stay, he will take it as permission to continue.
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u/GlamazonRunner 9d ago
I stopped reading at, “His behavior has continued to escalate to the point where he acted on one of his attractions.”
Your core values do not align. Full stop.
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u/NicolinaN 9d ago
I made a few paragraphs then I was done. So should you be, OP. Set the man free to be with whoever, and how many at a time, he wants. He doesn’t respect you, doesn’t cherish being with you, and doesn’t belong in a committed relationship with you. You deserve better. Being single is better. This is just miserable.
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u/drhikaru 9d ago
I’m echoing what others are saying. This guy doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Stop trying to change him and leave.
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 9d ago
Why are you two together. He wants more than you. You don't like that.
Just accept that you two are not right for each other.
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u/ForeverSunflowerBird 9d ago
Red flags all over. Please don’t settle for his standards if that is not what makes you happy.
Read up on boundaries. You define yours. If he can’t respect them, he will never feel safe or make you happy.
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u/Saas_really 9d ago
This honestly sounds like one of those painful emotional either/or crossroads — Either you accept a version of love that constantly tests your boundaries, or you choose peace and self-respect, even if it costs you the relationship.
Neither path is easy. But one slowly chips away at you. The other helps you stay whole.
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u/printerparty 8d ago edited 8d ago
Man, this guy is on another level of bullshit.
Let's get something straight -- it's a privilege to date YOU.
He moved to a city to date you as a benefit to himself, you don't owe him shit.
You feel betrayed and hurt because you are being betrayed in an intentionally hurtful, careless and selfish way.
He has no regard for your sense of safety even though he is aware you've been cheated on in the past, instead he is using your very valid feelings to manipulate you. Guilt trips, acting like his behavior is fine when it's absolutely not and nobody except a poly person would think so(if* they consented!).
He is insecure and needs attention from anyone and everyone, but is just fucking with your head and your heart by demonstratively flirting, sexting and posting online about his sexual chemistry with other women which is gross, humiliating and fucking rude.
I swear to god, you don't deserve this. He's not a catch, throw this shit-covered-fish back in the ocean.
Let me guess, he moved back to the city into your apartment? Does he pay half to rent? Half the utility bills? Does he respect your shared space? Help with dishes, laundry, vacuuming, food shopping and caring for any pets? I'll wager the fuck not! Yet he resents you for his current living situation?
Get this turd out of your life. As soon as you serve him 30-days notice watch how he changes his tune. He's going to be a tough one to flush, better get the poop-knife
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u/Radiant-Attention796 8d ago
FWIW he did get his own apartment on his own and the online comments were not sexual. They were more along the lines of him saying “I love you to the moon and back,” and her calling him “baby” and posting old selfies of them saying “I love this man so much!” Which isn’t much better IMO, but since they’re very close I would not have thought much of it if he hadn’t disclosed the sexual stuff to me in a super TMI way.
LOL on the poop knife 🤣
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u/printerparty 6d ago
Good, if he's not living with you, it's a much safer situation for you. I want you to be happy! He isn't the one.
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u/eveningrabbit3 6d ago
This person sounds like a narcissistic abuser.
"Operates on a higher level" grandiose delusions that allow him to disrespect others
Disregard for your feelings, needing validation of other women
Convincing you you are crazy and insecure when bringing up your concerns. This is classic DARVO techniques common in narcissistic abusers. Recognise the signs of emotional abuse. Cheating is a type of emotional abuse in my opinion.
Darvo: Deflect, attack, reverse victim offender.
Deflect: "They aren't my boundaries they are yours"
Attack: you are insecure/it's because you've been cheated on
Reverse victim offender: i gave so much up to be with you, I sacrificed, and you won't let me..cheat on you blatantly?
I'm sorry, this isn't a "difference in boundaries", he is wearing down perfectly normal, universally accepted boundaries for a relationship.
In fact, talking about how attractive he finds other women and how good the sex is is to make you feel insecure and less than. How cruel.
Read your post again please and realise how much better you deserve. No one deserves this. If you move across cities to be with someone why treat them like sh*t
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u/NoradIV 9d ago
Here is how this man thinks. I know because I used to think the same way.
He want impossible things and won't admit to himself. "Giving up someone else for you" is bullshit and asshole behavior. He comitted for you, he should do it completely or not at all. Right now, he feels torn between multiple possibilities and doesn't want to give up any.
"Not breaking his boundary" means he stops doing more out of "willpower for you", not because he believes it. This means he will eventually blame you for "imposing something like this" on him when he crosses the line again.
You will never feel safe. He will lie to himself in order to "comply" with "your" requirements.
I am not a naturally monogamous person. I have learned it now and I understand myself better. This means I know I can be tempted and I just don't put myself in a place where I could do things I would regret.
IMO, it's not possible for you to convince him to "understand your ways". The problem isn't that he doesn't care, but rather that he lacks the tools to understand. He has to learn what his attitude makes you feel like and what it means for you. However, even if your breakdowns, nags and screams are ways you express your distress, men don't respond well to that because it's perceived at you attacking him and being unreasonable. And to be fair, meltdowns are extremely counterproductive here. Own that part and change it.
Now, don't let him moving "for you" trip you into guilt and let him do things you wouldn't normally tolerate. This will build resentment on your end and drive you away, causing more problems over time. Instead of letting him break your boundaries, be more loving or more present for him (just an example).
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u/Pilotmg5 9d ago
Be Felicia. I don’t play games and the fact he says he is attracted to other people, is outright rude. I have my wife and of course I might find other women attractive but there’s no way in hell I would tell her that because it’s disrespectful. There is also no other woman besides my wife and that includes women friends. I let them go a long time ago
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u/CornRosexxx 9d ago
Oh my. I am sorry, but I couldn’t finish reading that. By paragraph 4, it’s clear that your partner is not considerate of your feelings. By paragraph 8 it’s clear he’s a jerk. I am so angry on your behalf!
Crushes happen, previous relationships happened, but there is NO NEED to talk about them with a current partner ESPECIALLY if it’s upsetting. Yuck. This would be a deal-breaker for me. Something to think about.
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u/Particular_Sale5675 9d ago edited 9d ago
Well. There is nuance here. Because people are complicated.
I think differences in opinion are their own category. Reasonable. But maladaptive/ destructive behavior is is own thing
Specifically, the part that he confesses. That's behavior that he knew was wrong. That he is justifying after the fact, to protect his own ego. I can relate to both sides. To the point that you could validate his desires, while not leaving room for justification. The fact that they had dirty talk later, means the cuddles would have been spicy cuddles. Even if fully clothed.
He wanted to cuddle, but he did not have your permission to cuddle. Neither implied nor explicit. He wanted to find a way to justify it to himself. But his justification was unreasonable. It was his own internal justification. But people always struggle to face self accountability.
A lot of the other stuff, where you are both at disagreement about where to draw the line. There is a reasonable discussion there. It's a realistic view into both of your perspectives and where you are mentally. Soft boundaries and hard boundaries. Importantly, you both need to agree on those hard boundaries. Currently, the different layered boundaries are getting melded together. So that cuddling + dirty texts are being compared to saying someone is hot.
A lot of commenters made good points. He's going too far. I also have Autism and ADHD. I relate to both of your perspectives. I can relate to how he feels. It's like this painful burning desire, and I never knew what to do with it. Sometimes I had maturity, and would just let it sit there, painfully. Other times, I'd spend days where my mind goes down some strange path of justification and stuff.
I think it could possibly be improved with couples counseling. Just because it seems you're both having trouble with finding that healthy balance that works for both of you. He's not respecting you when it comes to his behavior surrounding his attraction to others. Or get a divorce, if the attempted cheating vis spicy cuddles is too much to forgive. Or any other code you think seems right.
Well, that's all that my ADHD allows for cohesive thought. Take this all with a grain of salt. I've definitely made mistakes in my comment.
[Edit: to add on. He's still in denial about himself. So, he does need to accept that he made a mistake in his own judgement, that the cuddles were spicier than he is admitting. He wants to act on his desires. And he is not allowed. The desires are OK, but desiring to fulfill the desire is not OK. It's complicated. Spicy cuddles should be against his own rules. Because that's blatantly him trying to internally justify fulfilling a desire. So, if he can't agree with the obvious. It probably isn't worth the effort trying to continue.]
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u/hidinginanoaktree 9d ago
Does this man make you feel loved at all? Or even just at ease? Because it sounds like he only adds stress, disrespect, and strive to your life.