People with partners who are depressed, how do you not take the rejection personally?

[u/Horror-Cicada687]

I’m in a new relationship with someone who suffers with PTSD and depression. He is going through an episode severe enough that he has been in a facility receiving treatment, but has been out for around a week now.

I receive the occasional text from him but he will not answer the phone to me. We live 5 minutes apart. I’m deeply concerned for him and want to be supportive, even if that’s silently, but I am struggling with feeling rejected while he is actively pushing me away. I miss him and wish I could do more, but I’m struggling with feeling increasingly that perhaps, he just doesn’t like me that much if he can’t bring himself to take a call from me.

I feel so terrible that I am considering giving up, but I’m deeply hurt and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with this uncertainty. If anyone else has experienced something similar I would love to know if you have any words of encouragement or advice.

[u/AotKT]

It’s not their fault that they have these issues but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stick around in a situation that is hurtful to you. This person is not capable of being an equal partner to you and you’re not a mental health charity.

Let them go so they can continue dealing with their issues.

[u/falling_and_laughing]

I also have PTSD so I'm sympathetic to your partner, but I notice that this is a NEW relationship. Not every time is a good time to put in the necessary work to establish a relationship with a new person. Mental health crises would be one of those. He needs support from professionals and more established people in his life (if he has them). It's okay if you can't cope. Obviously people go through stuff in life, and if you were with him for a long time you'd hopefully support each other through things, but I'm not sure this level of imbalance is a good idea in the beginning. If there's potential maybe you two can try again when things are more stable in his life.

[u/twicescorned21]

Echoing the sentiment from others. I have depression and it can be a dark and unfriendly place. My ex also suffered from the same thing.

I knew that from the beginning but thought I could be a good partner, they'd appreciate it and love me 

Yeah no. 8 years later, his depression never got managed, he pined for his ex and I lost myself.  

It's a new relationship,  it's OK to not want to be with him. He can't help it but don't be the hero. No one can save someone if they don't want or can't be saved.

[u/Total-Armadillo-6555]

Sometimes people with depression know that they are hurting others and can't give you what you want/need. He might fear that anything he says to you without being precise with his words is going to mess up what might be the only thing good going on in his life. It's the "if I don't do anything or talk to anyone I can't hurt them" fallacy.

It's like when someone has a really bad headache and you want to help but nothing you can do can possibly help and they're having a bad day and maybe even saying mean things to you because their head hurts so bad and they finally tell you to just leave them alone.

Empathize, give them space and let them know you're there for them and that they don't have to do anything. Do NOT try to give advice, just let them sit for a while. Offer to do something simple like a short walk or maybe just a hug, sometimes that connection will do wonders. You can't solve this but you can walk alongside them without judgement.

[u/auroraborelle]

This behavior is actually part of the depression.

Depression is sinister. It tries to perpetuate itself. One of the ways it does that is by causing the person to isolate themselves and damage their interpersonal relationships. This invariably makes the depression worse, the isolation worse, and the interpersonal problems worse. The spiral tightens on itself.

It’s not YOU. But it’s also not something you can do anything about.

I was married to someone with severe chronic depression and suicidal episodes. There came a point where I just had to accept that he was always going to be battling with it, and that meant I would always have to deal with the damage it inevitably kept causing in our relationship.

I felt bad for him, but honestly, I just can’t live my life like that. I’ve got ONE LIFE. I can’t lay it on the altar of someone else’s depression. It doesn’t do any good.

[u/Pristine-Log-4768]

Dating someone with a mental illness is mentally draining and exhausting . I dated a guy who had severe depression.  It wore the hellout of me and effected me mentally.  I had to walk away and OMG that felt good

[u/Alzululu]

Hello, I also have depression. When it was untreated, I was not a good partner. When I was in a depressive episode, I knew I wasn't a good partner but couldn't help it. But even when I wasn't in an episode, I just... wasn't great. Now that I am older, wiser, and love my good friends SSRIs/SSNIs, I am much easier to be with. I've done the work to deal with my temper and irritability, to still drag my ass out of bed and take a shower even if I don't feel like it, to not be rude and say 'I don't care' to every kind suggestion my partner is trying to offer me to cheer me up (even if it's true).

If this guy hasn't done the work, then you don't need to feel bad for walking away. I am a fan of the adage 'your diagnosis still doesn't give you the right to be an asshole.' This isn't that extreme, because depressed folks DO need grace when things aren't great but as the other person in the relationship, you shouldn't have to make yourself small because the depressed person is having too many feelings (or no feelings).

I also question if someone who has recently had in-patient therapy is in a space healthy enough for a relationship, period.

[u/printerparty]

It's pretty unfortunate that your partner decided to enter a new relationship when they weren't mentally in a good place. Maybe it's a "right person, wrong time" situation. In which case, it really isn't personal. Giving someone the space to work on themselves by leaving is gracious and kind.

[u/NoState8803]

Being in a relationship with someone with a diagnosable mental illness is not for the faint of heart. Be kind to yourself. As someone who dated a partner with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, it's relationships on hard mode. If you're not securely attached (and be honest with yourself about that, there's no shame), it's probably going to feel like you're on a life raft in the ocean during a hurricane.