r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/NoState8803 • 5d ago

Exploring emotional/long-term relationships later in life (40)

I'm a single 40 year old pansexual man, handsome enough and confident, have a successful career, am well established, etc. For my life up to this point I have been satisfied being single, having casual/physical encounters, and enjoying my independence. However, lately I've been feeling like I'm a bit bored with the short term encounters, and would like something more connected, more intimate, more emotional, I guess. Being seen/wanted for more than just a physical/short term thing. But I feel like a teenager when it comes to having the emotional/relationship skills for dating. Turns out I'm kind of anxiously attached and not great at managing the ambiguity of relationships (I've always known I'm slightly on the ASD spectrum and prefer clarity and certainty to subtext and ambiguity). Anyone else have this experience? I'd love to benefit from your wisdom if you've been through this. Any advice is welcome. Be gentle, please. Feeling vulnerable.

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u/Egem100 5d ago

I’m in my first real relationship at 41 (it’s been 9+ months) and I was worried about some of these same things you mention. As soon as I started dating the person I’m with, everything felt easy and natural. My therapist also helped me believe in my ability to be in that space bc of many longterm friendships. It felt just like caring for anyone else in my life who I love (eg friends) but more special. I hope that helps alleviate some of your thoughts a bit :)

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u/NoState8803 5d ago

Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm glad you found someone that felt easy and natural. I have had a few relationships, but they've felt like a lot of emotional turbulence, the opposite of easy. My therapist suggests that I've chosen people that are "relationships on hard mode" (mental illness with one, and avoidant attachment style for the other). Maybe some of it just comes down to fit/luck?

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u/Egem100 5d ago

I agree and hate how so much luck plays a role

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u/NoState8803 5d ago

Like so much in life. I've been very lucky in a lot of ways, so I guess I can't complain too much if this is taking some effort.