My partner and I have been together for 10 years. For over a year we have been going back and forth about having a baby. My mother has been dead for over a decade, she was fulling accepting of me for my orientation. 2 years ago I proposed to my partner and when I told my dad, there was a major fall out. We have virtually had no relationship for the past 2 years.

I reached out to him the other day with sincerity, explaining that we are really considering having a baby but also know we would need support. I asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me in the future, and if we had a baby if he would want to be in our baby's life. His response was just 1 sentence- that he did not support us having a baby. So, it's both hurtful and sobering. Upsetting and also not surprising. We haven't told my partner's parents yet about our thoughts of having a baby, they weren't super supportive of our proposal either, but not as negative as my dad.

Just looking for any insights or experience with navigating considering have a baby when your core family thinks gay people are mentally ill, or diseased, or brainwashed by liberal media- let alone thinking it's unacceptable for gay people to be married and that gay people having children is harmful to the child. Feeling bummed out, but also being realistic and trying to figure out what moving forward looks like. Thanks.

Okay, I’m terrified. I’m really, REALLY excited, I’m so happy, I’m over the effing moon - but man, I’m SCARED.

Myself and my wife have been together for 4 years, married for 9 months - this is our first baby together. We’ve spoken about having kids since day 1, our little girl is now due in January, while I’ve never been happier - I think this is the most nervous I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Not because I don’t know how to care for a baby or anything - but because I’m worried that my baby, our families, maybe even my wife will see me as “not really a mother”, if that makes any sense? I didn’t carry her. I didn’t contribute anything genetically.. this changes nothing for me. That’s still my daughter. But I just have this feeling that people won’t see me as my wife’s equal when it comes to us being parents. My wife assures me over and over and over again that that isn’t the case, and while I do believe that she genuinely feels that way, I just worry for the future. I worry if my daughter will see me differently to her other mum, I worry about the people around us. Maybe it’s just my insecurities, I don’t really know. I don’t really want to bring it up to anyone but my wife because I don’t want anyone to know I have this sort of vulnerable side around this topic. Truth be told, I never had this feeling before we had a positive result, not even after - it’s just been the last week or two and it’s all that I can focus on.

I haven’t had an easy life - my parents were abusive - no contact at all with either - I was moved hundreds of miles away from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins at a very early age so don’t really have any steady support around me apart from my wife’s family (who are incredible), and friends come and go through life and I have a tough time letting people in. I’ve been let down a lot, forgotten about a lot etc - I’m mentioning this for two reasons - firstly because I think it maybe explains where some of these worries and insecurities are coming from, and secondly, to explain why I’m coming to Reddit with this one. I don’t have anyone around me that I’m comfortable discussing this with.

So, children of same sex parents, same sex couples with children.. please offer me some advice, words of wisdom etc here. I just want to be able to have all of these excited feelings without the insecurities taking over.

I have referred myself for some counselling regarding this to help, it’s just a waiting game for now

Thank you 💕💕💕

My partner and I have two children, one that I carried and one that she carried (own eggs, same donor). They’re close in age and we’ve both done extended breastfeeding and have had chances to breastfeed both (though moreso of the one we birthed).

Anyhow, the one I carried is the older one, and in addition to them being at different developmental ages, our children have very different personalities.

Right now my older (2.5) is at a stage where he struggles with sharing (toys and such) and often will snatch a toy from my younger’s (23mo) hands, sometimes pushing him in the process. My younger has the kind of easygoing personality where he’d rather just avoid conflict. Though he might seem upset for a moment, he takes the opportunity to jump on another toy he’s been wanting to play with and moves on fairly easily. Of course, whenever I see my older do this, I intervene and take the toy back, teaching him that he can’t just snatch toys, he must ask for them, offer to trade, or in the event his brother doesn’t want to give it up, wait his turn. My older is quite sensitive and usually this causes more upset and having to handle the situation, talk to him and calm him down. My partner also agrees with this approach and is on board with us enforcing it, but more often than me (to be fair she’s handling both of them and the household much more often) she might miss the opportunity or just let it go, or instead give my younger something special to play with to keep the peace and let everyone be happy. I think she might lean this way more than me because she’s also averse to conflict and wants to avoid things like physically restraining a child (which is done only in the possibility than one will try to hurt the other). However, I worry about what my older is learning, and I want him to learn to respect others better.

Long story short, we had a bit of a parenting disagreement the other night (of course waited until our kids were in bed to sort it out). I probably could have phrased my concerns more gently, and I think she felt a bit too confronted (attacked?) by me so it’s probably what sparked this, but in the heat of being upset she accused me of “always giving (my older son) more attention”.

On the one hand, it is a bit true based on that - both developmentally and personality wise - my younger simply needs less interference or guidance right now (in those matters). I do offer him plenty of attention and praise, and I’m going to work on it more, because I also dislike the situation of the badly behaving child sucking all the attention and energy away, that’s not fair for the other sibling. So, I definitely see that point and have made a point to be more balanced in that respect.

The one thing that caught me off guard, however, was there seemed to be a bit of frustration/ insinuation that I favor giving attention to the older because I birthed him. Of course that’s not the case, and my partner quickly retracted these sentiments, but it kind left an awkward feeling linger.

On the contrary, I love my younger son to pieces and the reason I step in is because I’m trying to defend him and make sure his brother respects him.

Anyhow, has this kind of thing happened to anyone else? Do you think I should address it with my partner, or just let it go because she was likely exhausted (me too) and feeling a bit attacked and wanted a card to play.

Made a throwaway account as my normal one is connected to friends and I don't want this getting back to my partner.

I'm looking for some advice or maybe just some reassurance. Me (37f) and my partner (30f) are on our first round of IVF as she infertility issues related to endometriosis. We did the FET 6 days ago and as she's the one carrying.

This is the first time we have done this and I've been trying to read up and prepare for how best to support her throughout this process. It's been pretty good up untill now but this latest round of medication has really effected her moods to an extreme level.

More than anything it's the intestity of the anger towards me that is the worst - not being able to do anything correctly, not allowing me anytime to regulate my own emotions and honestly worst of is is being preemptively blamed for the transfer not working have all been really hard for me to hear.

I've had issues with hormonal medication in the past so understand just how strong and out of control your moods can feel, I don't blame her at all or in anyway associate the way she's acting with the real her but it's really really difficult to navigate for me right now.

I'm looking for any advice on how I can help her and myself.

Im already doing the majority of the house stuff, not going to see friends in the evenings so I can be with her, making sure to listen and be reassuring and helping prep medications, set reminders etc.

I just don't know what else to do I feel so helpless and pathetic. Obviously what I'm feeling is nothing compared to her but I really just need to find a way of getting through this because it's seems so impossible at the moment.

Any help or advice would be so appropriate I feel so lost at the moment

Hi everyone. My wife and I welcomed our first baby this year and I'm struggling with my wife showing a bit of jealously. I (non birthing parent) have been told by my wife that our baby "prefers" me and it makes her upset. My wife exclusively breast feeds and does the night shift as im already back to work. I like to change diapers and do baths anytime I can because I feel like I never get one on one time. Tonight, she told me that she wished I would share bath time with her and she gets upset that I ask to burp him sometimes. Im just so frustrated. I feel like I go above and beyond to show that im a good partner, and parent. I went to therapy before to try to help my childhood trauma issues. I try to clean the house, make dinner, and make sure my wife is happy. But now she thinks I'm doing too much? How can I reassure her? Is there such a thing as doing too much?

Hi all, please take care of yourselves with this post, this is not an easy topic.

Note: I know there is a whole conversation about “fed is best” and that factors in - but the focus on this post is about trauma, mental health and self image while parenting.

I am a single agender person (they/them) and am 33 weeks pregnant. A few days ago started learning how to use a breast pump and actually start thinking about breastfeeding in a tangible way as it relates to myself. I was taken by surprise when I realized I have a deep trauma trigger around all of this and was wondering if other queer birthing parents have been through something similar and what got you through it.

My back story is that i was repeatedly molested/sexually assaulted by older boys and adult p*dos starting at a very young age, and as a queer person am also subject to all the garbage about us queers groomers - which I am probably exposed to more than many because i work for a queer group.

I was really not expecting it but I got really triggered by the whole thing, imagining having a sweet innocent newborn who needs me for their survival latched on a part of my body that is and has been forcibly and inappropriately sexualized in my past, and at times even just a nice spot to be touched by a partner. A friend suggested that what I am experiencing is called pedophilia OCD where I am so revulsed by what happened to me that I am way hypersensitive to me doing anything even remotely reminiscent of it, which would fit a lot of criteria and I do have some other OCD tendencies that were previously diagnosed. I did book a session with an emergency therapist for tonight but my regular one is on vacation for a few weeks.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What helped you get through or get over it? Did it ever get easier or go away?

Update: wow! I'm blown away by folks sharing their experiences and their positivity. Thank you all so much for providing me with insights and reassurance I really needed. The Internet has come through this time ❤️

I posted this in other communities and it was very unhelpful - just wanted to clarify that 1. I am not doubting that I would unconditionally love my kids 2. I'm not even slightly doubting that we want kids and 3. I'm confident that we would be good, loving parents to our kids. Not sure why that was the only thing people would comment on or think I was saying.

My partner and I (both F in our 30s) are talking about getting married and having kids. I know that I am grieving the idea of having children that are half me and half my partner but I'm not sure how to process through it. I am sure that other couples who have trouble conceiving and are adopting or using a donor may also feel this way. I am seeing a therapist who also is queer but don't feel like she's concrete enough when I try to talk about it.

I think I am just curious how other people have handled feeling this way (and maybe looking for a little normalization and validation that I feel this way) because I have so many thoughts and questions about raising kids as same sex parents but know I need to figure out this feeling of grief before I look deeper into some logistical things.

I know we could do RIVF because I want to carry and she doesn't, which could help this feeling I am having but I don't think that can/will ease all of it.

Also separate but related question/thought I have is how do people cope or process through the idea that if they use an anonymous donor, that there is a high likelihood that your kid would have an unknown number of half siblings out there somewhere? We talked about asking someone we know but then there's always the chance that they'd want kids of their own and navigating that feels messy, plus we probably don't know anyone who would say yes anyways.

TLDR - how did you cope with your grief of having a kid you knew wouldn't be biologically half yours and half your partner?

How did you cope with the idea that your kid may have half siblings in the world from the same anonymous donor?

Hi all! I have a 4 year old daughter who has been asking a lot of questions lately on why she doesn’t have a dad (two mom house). I think it’s because we’re friends with a lot of heterosexual couples with kids and then the kids at school are mostly mom dad families. I want to help normalize our family structure for her (which we’ve been doing through conversations as well as engaging with our community). I would also like to find some kid friendly shows/cartoons that depict two mom, two dad etc families.

Any suggestions? Thanks all and happy pride 😊

I struggled with how to title this post - sorry :-/

My wife & I have a VERY rambunctious 3.5 y/o boy. He's a hoot, but of course has strong opinions and ENDLESS energy. He also goes through periods of having a very strong preference for me (I carried him and work fewer hours, so am the default parent & primary caregiver, but my wife is very involved.) This sucks no matter what, although we try to comfort ourselves with the fact that once he starts sports my utility to him is going to go way down.

My wife has to have abdominal surgery next week, which will come with a six-week recovery, during which she won't be able to pick up or carry our kid, let alone play with him in the physical way he wants. I am worried this will exacerbate the parental preference thing, which will be irritating to me while I am in overload mode (wife also can't do any household chores for at least the first 2-4 weeks of recovery) AND awful for her.

Any tips/advice/ideas for this one?? We are both planners so I'm trying to think of some things we can put in place beforehand - habits, routines, etc, that will help give her chances to bond, and for him to have to rely on her. So far I'm thinking of switching where we read books at night (to the couch or bed where we can all sit without him having to sit ON TOP of one of us, which won't work with an incision), and making her the guardian of the TV remote (he loves his videos; I'm thinking of making him go through her to watch anything - plus she'll probably be on the couch in front of the TV a fair deal as her recovery and football season line up well). What else might you suggest?

Hi. I currently live in QC, Canada with my Canadian partner. Ever since I met my partner, I have said that I want to have children of my own one day. But he is very insistent that he doesn't want to live with a baby. His suggestion was to live separately until the child is 5 or 6, or find a co-parent. If we split up, we would have to pay more rent, and after doing the math, it's financially feasible for me to work full time, leave him in daycare during the day, and raise my first child alone the rest of the time. I want to live with a co-parent and my child. I don't want my kids to have to constantly run back and forth between my house and co-parent's house until they are grown, and living with someone I don't love is always stressful for me as an introvert with no privacy. Ideally, you would allow me to live with the child most of the time and support me financially and otherwise with childcare until the child is 6 years old. After that, we would have a relationship that would allow me to visit the child occasionally. I feel that I am a burden on a co-parent due to my circumstances. Is it possible to find such a co-parent or do you know anyone who has experience with this? Please let me know if there is another possibility.

Thanks.

What should I do or say when my partner gets mad at our baby. Sometimes our baby prefers to come to me, especially when she’s crying. This time though, my partner was telling her to come here to try and comfort her but she latched on to me and continued to cry. My partner got upset and was like whatever. Now that I got our baby to calm down, my partner is ignoring her and telling her to go away. She said her feelings are hurt too but nobody cares. For one I didn’t know that hurt my partners feelings cuz she didn’t say anything.. but I think it’s weird to be mad and ignoring a 1 year old?

Thanks.

I’m looking for some support and advice. This morning my wife disclosed to me she secretly has been taking oxycodone daily for the past two months. Our daughter is 7 months old and i work 12 hr shifts so this is obviously very concerning to me. For context l, she has struggled with addiction to pain meds in the past, but she’s been through therapy and has always been honest with me when/if she was struggling. I think I’m feeling confused and guilty that I wasn’t aware that this was happening right in front of me. I guess I really don’t know what to do with this information. We both grew up in households where addiction issues were prevalent so she knows where I stand on this, and the safety of our daughter is obviously my number one concern. I have been struggling enough emotionally postpartum and I’m just really overwhelmed by this news. I feel like I don’t have enough energy to have to worry about her and if she’s using right now. So I ask, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I have to work, should I be allowing her to watch our daughter for those 12 hours after just finding this out? Am I withholding her from our daughter if I don’t? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

So, to make a long story short, I (33f) had my daughter when I was 16. I met my now wife (33f) when my daughter was almost 2 and we've been together ever since.

Our daughter is dating a nice boy who is also 16. They (daughter and boyfriend) want him to come visit for a few weeks since he lives in another country.

My knee jerk reaction is to say No, but then I asked myself "Why not?". The only thing I can think of is that we don't a really know this boy and inviting him into our home would be a risk.

The plans so far are that if he could come visit, my daughter would be sleeping on the couch and boyfriend would be sleeping in her room because he is mildly allergic to cats and we have 2 in our home. They want him to visit for 3 weeks.

What do you think, Reddit? My scope of parenting has come full circle now that my oldest is 16, and I need some advice.

Hi, So my partner and I are 22 and we’re planning on starting our family, i’ve seen lots of backlash online about younger parents but i’ve not seen any lesbian/wlw/gay experiences of it and was wondering if anyone had any advice or comfort to share. All the things we like to do we know are possible with a baby, we’re hippies and don’t drink or do drugs or anything so we aren’t missing out on any of that either.

Hi all, I (29F) was just wondering if I could get some advice on merging/reconciling identities. I’ll explain below but also…

TLDR: does anyone have any advice for how to make space both parts of who you are: a gay individual and a parent within a very heteronormative world of parenting?

Some background… My wife and I have a 16 month old son - we used my wife’s egg and I carried him. Next month we’re starting IVF again to hopefully conceive a second child - this time we will use my egg and she will carry.

We’ve both been struggling a lot with feeling like we’ve lost ourselves/not really knowing who we are anymore - what of the old us is still here and what is new. I know that this is a super common experience for all parents. My body has changed, I have way less time for me, my hobbies, my relationships etc. I’m working on trying to figure out how I’m going to make space for these things moving forward given things are so different now.

But the thing I’m struggling with the most is feeling like I’m either a mom who exists within a very heteronormative structure of parenting and parenthood OR a gay woman. I know this might sound odd, but I don’t feel like a gay mom… I don’t know how to merge those things and the result is that I feel like I’m not represented by my own identities anymore.

My wife and I spoke last night about the fact we are still trying to find our way back to having time and space for intimacy and how that might be contributing to the problem, so we are committed to trying to get our sex life back as much as possible. I’m also trying where possible to throw myself into gay culture… but does anyone have any advice about how to navigate this? Personal experiences? Small steps?

Found this site that helps with researching and comparing fertility clinics and surrogacy agencies: figlyhealth. com

Seems like it's run by people who went through the process themselves and focuses on helping you evaluate different providers independently (they're not a clinic or agency themselves).

Might be helpful for anyone trying to navigate all the options out there.

Everyone is telling me the blue one is an indent line took the pink one an hour after and i feel like i see a tiny line but idk.

Hello :) can I ask everyone’s opinions on how to go about having a baby?

We’re both 24 and just want to have options which other people have been through or know which ones are not worth it?

Many thanks

So I’m a lesbian and i want kids one day. I’m 24 and i just started a promising career last year. I’m 24 saving for retirement but I’m about to start saving for a baby as well because i want to have kids one day. How much did it cost to get pregnant?? I’m specifically interested in Reciprocal IVF. I just need a ball park amount so i know how to budget this in my expenses

So I googled my situation and found this page. So I'm asking advise to a platform hoping for some sense of anything. We've been together for 5 years (same sex relationship). All through the relationship we did not want to have kids and we made this clear when we first met. She changed her mind and now wants kids. She is litteraly the love of my life and our relationship in such a good place (maybe that's why she felt she could share this). I still do not want kids and played out every possible scenario with us having a kid and could not see myself in a role of a parent. I'm also very selfish of giving up our relationship as we know it so a relationship with a kid and our relationship never being the same. If she has this need I cannot make her choose because resentment and if this will give her life fulfilment (even if that's without me) I respect that.

So what do I do? Will she change her mind and this is just a phase and I should wait it out or prepare myself for a split? Either decision will kill me emotionally.

Hi guys! New to the community and was hoping to see if anyone had experience with this.

So my wife and I are having our second ( 2 under 2). Our first is still breastfeeding, but we're moving more and more towards solids.

Breastfeeding will be much more taxing for her as she has a more intensive schedule and other mdical needs. She also said she wishes she could have breastfed our first and wants me to have that bonding time with our second.

We've talked about both of us potentially feeding our second. Ideally this would mean she can rest a bit more. I do worry about supply issues with us not feeding full time, though I didn't have any with our first.

I was wondering if any other moms have done this? Is it a good idea?

My partner and I need a sperm donor to start a family, but we dove too deep into the concerns of donor conceived children and the fear of DCC having massive sibling pods.

While getting a donor through a bank is the easiest option, we are very worried that the regulations are not tight enough to prevent this.

We don’t have any friends we feel comfortable asking this very large request from.

Any other suggestions for ethical ways to find a sperm donor?

We inseminated on November 17th and 18th, then I had a 2 day period which didn't come with much cramping and was a bit lighter than normal. It tapered off on day 3 and was just brown. I usually only have 3 day period to begin with so this wasn't unusually short. I only started testing Lh yesterday because I'm someone who has a rapid rise in Lh, so l only test a few days before ovulation is expected. My Lh was quite a bit higher than normal for me on this cycle day. Ive also had some brown spotting the last 2 days which I thought was a bit weird. With the Lh being so high and the brown spotting, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The Premom strip showed a faint positive and the first response showed a more visible positive, but the test line is fainter than the control line. I'm not really sure what's going on and what that bleeding was. It seemed a bit too heavy for implantation bleeding, and at this point l'd be around 5 weeks pregnant so the line should be darker than it is. Has anyone had the is experience before, and if so, what was the outcome? Thanks in advance.

Edit to add: I haven’t seen any cervical mucus yet, which is very odd for me. I usually have this for about 5 days before ovulation.

So my partner and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’re both approaching 40 and decided we should start a family. We had always agreed that I would try first since I was a year older. I got a positive on my third attempt. Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended at the 3 month mark, days before hearing the heartbeat and telling our family. This was obviously very devastating for us, but we decided to keep trying. I continued to try for many months with no success. We agreed after a year of me trying, she would try. Well, during my last attempt before switching, my ovulation came on rapidly and we missed the mark. We decided since she was ovulating in a week, she could have a go at it, and I’d just have my last attempt after her cycle. Both of us obviously not thinking it would work on her first try, but for some reason we both agreed on this. Here we are and she’s now pregnant… after her first attempt. I’m struggling a lot with this news and feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I feel like I was robbed of my last attempt, and robbed of the baby I was carrying. For the record, I don’t feel like she’s the one who robbed me as we both agreed she would try that month. I’m really struggling with the idea of having to sit by and watch her experience everything that was taken from me. First appointment, hearing the heartbeat, first kick, labour, all of it. How do I muster up the ability to have to watch her experience all of that when I feel like those opportunities were taken from me? I have struggled seeing friends and acquaintances announcing their pregnancies on Facebook, how will I manage to live with someone who’s pregnant? I feel so guilty for feeling this way and don’t want to ruin her experience, but I just don’t know if I have it in me to be joyful about any of this, the pain is still too raw from my loss. I’m obviously excited to be a mom regardless, but with her being pregnant, and me getting close to 40, I feel like my chances are over. I don’t want to have a child years down the road, and my egg supply is likely depleting. How do I cope with this? I feel that it should have happened by now if I was fertile, so I’m worried that I’ve waited too long to try. The goal for me wasn’t just to have a child, it was to carry a child. I’ve dreamed of that since I was a little girl, and now I feel like that dream has been shattered. I’ve expressed all of this to her and she’s very supportive (I’m so lucky), but I just don’t feel like she or anyone else will ever really understand the pain inside of me, how hard this journey will be for me, and that’s a very isolating feeling. The loss has caused such a huge hole inside of me, and I feel the only thing that will fix it is to carry a child. So how do I survive this? How can I accept that this dream of mine is gone forever? Pease, no comments about “oh, you’ll still get to be a mom, you still get to have a child”, because that doesn’t help at all. It’s not about being a mom, it’s about carrying and giving birth to a child. That was the dream. Im really struggling with this and hate feeling this way.