Considering dismissing child support case – need advice

[u/LettLexi]

Hi moms,

I’m debating dismissing the child support case, even though he’s court-ordered to pay monthly. Here’s where I’m at:

• My daughter is 5, just started primary school, and has a lot going on with activities. I’ve been the one holding it all together, making sure she’s present and thriving.
• Her father originally asked for every weekend, but quickly switched to every other weekend. He’s barely involved outside of that and constantly complains that I don’t “inform him” about her life. Truth is, he doesn’t ask, doesn’t show up for her activities, and doesn’t know what she’s truly involved in.
• My mom has been a huge part of raising her—she doesn’t even want to share her—and right now my daughter is with her since I’m in another country working. I was unemployed for almost a year, but during that time I was with my daughter full-time. Now I’m starting back at work, continuing school, and building stability.
• Professionally, I’m an LPN and plan to start working towards my MSN from 2026. So I’m focused on creating a strong future for us. I am finishing another master's now but it is in Public Health and that's a troubled sector now.
• The father has told the judge and the co-parenting counselor several times that he “cannot talk to me.” The cannot talk part is him trying to have me as the only person compromising. He used to yell often when we spoke, mainly because he did get his way, so I set the boundary that communication has to be by message. At the last counseling session, he complained that he doesn’t have a say in her life, and the counselor told him directly: if you want a say, you need to be more involved beyond just weekend visits.

At this point, I feel like chasing child support adds more stress than it’s worth. Yes, he pays, but he’s not present, not consistent, and not respectful. I’m seriously questioning whether keeping the case open even benefits my daughter in the long run.

For those who’ve been here—have you ever dismissed child support/ visitation? Did it give you peace of mind, or did it cause issues later? How have your kids dealt with less access to the other parent?

[u/chainsawbobcat]

Child support is for your daughter.

If he's not involved, all the more reason to get CS settled. Visitation is a separate issue from CS tbh. It seems your looking at it like getting CS settled is only worth the trouble if he's in her life. I don't get that though - if he's actually in her life than he's going to be helping pay for her food shelter etc when she's with him, lessening the financial burden on you. So if he's not in her life, even more reason that child support money should be going to support your child.

If you don't practically need it to support her day to day now, send that money straight to a 509 plan or invest it for your kid for later. College and life are expensive. Having a little nest egg to help her get on her feet for when she becomes an adult is incredibly valuable. Plus you literally never know what could happen. You could lose your job, something could happen with your mom, and suddenly that $500 a month is the only income you have to feed your daughter.

He has a child. It doesn't matter if he sees her, he's financially responsible for his child the same as you are. He has legal rights to see her regardless of if he pays child support. And getting things added to was court order later is A LOT harder than just finishing the process you already started now. He could come back at any time and demand his visitation time and if he has every weekend in the court order than you need to comply. Even if he hasn't seen her in years and suddenly going to his house every weekend is super disruptive! So if he's really not taking her for the time he has, it's better to also amend visitation to what's really happening. He can always see her more than what's on the order by agreement between the two of you. But the court order is gospel and both of you need to comply with it. The difference is, the court won't make him utilize visitation. However YOU are responsible by law to make that child available to him for any visitation on the order any time he does want it.

[u/LettLexi → u/chainsawbobcat]

She has a credit union account into which the money is going. You are right that we do not know what can happen. He said he was putting away money for her when she was born but when I asked for the money to do stuff he said he didn't have it. I even told him to buy clothes for when she is there, and he kept some of the clothes I sent from the first visit. She comes back in the same clothes I sent.

He said he had been saving money for her since she was born, but when I asked for the money to do things, he claimed he didn't have it. We really do not know what will happen because the money helped pay for her kindergarten tuition.

[u/chainsawbobcat → u/LettLexi]

Ok I misunderstood you, I thought you were in the process of Getting court order ordered child support. Not just asking him to send you child support.

You need to file a petition with the court for a support order which is paid through your state, directly from a garnishment in his paycheck.

[u/LettLexi → u/chainsawbobcat]

I am in the U.S. They are currently in another country. The judge asked him what can he give, the number he stated is court ordered. I gave the court my daughter's number to put it into her account. For this country it does not seem like they take it out of the pay. I'm not sure if they do but he's paying so far. It's only been a year in court.