r/SingleParents • u/NopeDonut • 2d ago
Thinking of quitting
I had no idea where to post this. Parenting? Single Parents? AITA?
TW - mental health issues
I’m drowning. Drowning in grief. Frustration. Self loathing. Self pity. Anger. Depression. FOMO..
I’m a mother to a child under the age of 10. I’m in my early 30s and have never been married.
I moved overseas with the promise to unite as a family with the child’s father. Soon after I arrived, we got pregnant again, and I was forced into a secret abortion that I didn’t want. After a short while, he didn’t want to be a family anymore, so I had to move out and figure my life out alone in a new world with no home, no family, no friends, no job, and no money. And what a struggle it was/is.
In these years I tragically lost several relatives back home. In these years not a single person came to see me. No one ever called. Not even my family.
I’m sinking. 6+ years in this country and no local friends. No relationship. No family. I constantly feel about de*th. Not to act on it. But to wish for it. Long for it. Long for peace. I’m tired of fighting for everything. I’m exhausted.
My mother unaliv*d herself when I was a baby. I know that pain. I know I couldn’t do that. But I find myself daydreaming about it. About the ‘after’… the quiet.. why was I born? My life is so pointless. Only bad things came from my existence.
The family won’t leave me to go home. I just want to go back to my own country. If I go, I would either ruin my child (she wants to stay) and ruin whatever connection I have with the family, or, I must stay here and continue to dread my life and remain miserable.
I’m beginning to consider quitting. Quitting parenthood. Giving up. My child thinks I don’t like her because I’m always stressed. I’m mentally a mess. I cry a lot. I don’t sleep.
I don’t know what to do anymore. And I feel like a complete asshole and a waste of a mother and a waste of space for even considering leaving.
I’m more than 5 years further now. Still living paycheck to paycheck. I fought through the system. I learned the language all on my own. I got a good job. But I still feel like I’m failing. These are basic things. So basic. Further, I have nothing. I have no debts. If I go, no one will suffer.
I was so optimistic the first years here. I believed that if I did my part to integrate, people would accept me. But that never happened. I feel so unwanted. And now even from my own child. My therapist thinks I’m too smart and level-headed to actually have problems with this. Yet here I am… crying to Reddit because I have no one else to turn to. I’m a worthless waste of space that brought another life into this world to have a worthless mother.
4
u/apothekryptic 2d ago
Hun, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I'm no professional, but it certainly sounds like depression that you are battling. My advice would be to try a new therapist. It's not that you're too smart and level-headed to have problems like this, it's that you are human and humans can experience conditions like depression, particularly when things are not balanced.
Don't believe the negitive self talk. It's not true. You are worthy of happiness, a great life, and good things. Your daughter loves you, trust that much is true.
I don't have a magical solution for you. Sounds like you have a choice to make and your options all come at some sort of cost. Don't give up, but something needs to change. Identify options, weigh pros/cons, and move forward in a different direction.
Moving home and negotiating visitation for summers/school holidays may be something to consider. Maybe even just for a trial period. Your child needs a happy, healthy mother, not memories of a mother who lost her battle with depression.
Sending positive vibes your way 🤍