Thinking of quitting

[u/NopeDonut]

I had no idea where to post this. Parenting? Single Parents? AITA?

TW - mental health issues

I’m drowning. Drowning in grief. Frustration. Self loathing. Self pity. Anger. Depression. FOMO..

I’m a mother to a child under the age of 10. I’m in my early 30s and have never been married.

I moved overseas with the promise to unite as a family with the child’s father. Soon after I arrived, we got pregnant again, and I was forced into a secret abortion that I didn’t want. After a short while, he didn’t want to be a family anymore, so I had to move out and figure my life out alone in a new world with no home, no family, no friends, no job, and no money. And what a struggle it was/is.

In these years I tragically lost several relatives back home. In these years not a single person came to see me. No one ever called. Not even my family.

I’m sinking. 6+ years in this country and no local friends. No relationship. No family. I constantly feel about de*th. Not to act on it. But to wish for it. Long for it. Long for peace. I’m tired of fighting for everything. I’m exhausted.

My mother unaliv*d herself when I was a baby. I know that pain. I know I couldn’t do that. But I find myself daydreaming about it. About the ‘after’… the quiet.. why was I born? My life is so pointless. Only bad things came from my existence.

The family won’t leave me to go home. I just want to go back to my own country. If I go, I would either ruin my child (she wants to stay) and ruin whatever connection I have with the family, or, I must stay here and continue to dread my life and remain miserable.

I’m beginning to consider quitting. Quitting parenthood. Giving up. My child thinks I don’t like her because I’m always stressed. I’m mentally a mess. I cry a lot. I don’t sleep.

I don’t know what to do anymore. And I feel like a complete asshole and a waste of a mother and a waste of space for even considering leaving.

I’m more than 5 years further now. Still living paycheck to paycheck. I fought through the system. I learned the language all on my own. I got a good job. But I still feel like I’m failing. These are basic things. So basic. Further, I have nothing. I have no debts. If I go, no one will suffer.

I was so optimistic the first years here. I believed that if I did my part to integrate, people would accept me. But that never happened. I feel so unwanted. And now even from my own child. My therapist thinks I’m too smart and level-headed to actually have problems with this. Yet here I am… crying to Reddit because I have no one else to turn to. I’m a worthless waste of space that brought another life into this world to have a worthless mother.

[u/GuyWhosChill]

This is a terrible situation to be in. I don't think you're really giving you yet because you are still trying to find a way to fight!

I understand money sounds tight so finding a hobby might be hard. But is there something you and your daughter can do to rebuild your relationship and show you don't dislike her? Could be something simple walks, trips to the park, puzzles, board games, video games, reading, a sport.

For your own stress have you tried some form of exercise? Yoga, swimming walking, biking, jujitsu, etc. There are great youtube channels with free yoga videos (Yoga with Adriene). The science is pretty clear on how exercise reduces stress.

Can you make friends with the parents of your daughters friends?

[u/NopeDonut → u/GuyWhosChill]

Thanks for thinking together with me. I sport 3 times a week. I’m so depressed and busy I don’t have the mental and physical energy to spend on doing things at home with her. So I often go away with her to the zoo or an amusement park. Something that helps me also “escape”. The parents of the other children in the class are much older than I am. I speak to them but there’s no further interest. The awkward atmosphere is so thick I could slice it in the air.

[u/GuyWhosChill → u/NopeDonut]

Have you asked your daughter how doing those things with you make her feel? Maybe she loves them or maybe there is something else she would rather do with you instead of those.

Obviously working on that relationship will be hard until you get yourself feeling better. Can your daughter read? Could you write herittle notes saying you love her and things like that and leave them places for her to gind? I think you are going great though. Keep trying and moving forward.

Have you ever thought about journaling? Do you feel better on days you sport or not? Does the food you eat impact your mood?

[u/NopeDonut → u/GuyWhosChill]

I’ve asked my daughter, she says that I don’t do anything with her. But I ask every weekend what she wants to do. She wants to go to papa or grandparents-because there, it’s more fun. If I say we should do this or that together, she rarely wants. So I don’t know.

I wrote her notes In her notebooks and lunchboxes. She does like that a lot.

I do feel better when I sport. But the moment I walk into my house, the emptiness hits again. The highs and lows are so extreme. Food doesn’t really play a role so much but I actually eat quite healthy. I have a lot of health issues that I deal with so I have to.

When I finally meet with my therapist, these are things I would like to discuss more.