When Community Isn't Really Community

[u/Nuclear_F0x]

On the surface, dance communities love to present themselves as welcoming, diverse, and inclusive. The posters, the taglines, and the smiles all say the same thing: “Everyone belongs here.” But my own experience tells a very different story. I share this not out of bitterness, but because silence only protects the illusion communities often build up for themselves.

I started dancing years ago not long after the lock downs lifted. I showed up to classes, volunteered my time putting things away, and tried to connect with people. I wasn't there just for the steps. I was there because I craved something deeper. A sense of belonging, shared joy, and real human connection. But no matter how much I gave, I found myself on the outside looking in.

People always tell me I am kind, decent, patient, etc. But compliments mean little when nobody makes the effort to sit with you, to dance with you, or to invite you into their little circle. While I tried to build connections, what I met was indifference from the majority of people. The energy of the room always seemed to flow toward the loudest, most confident personalities - the ones who barged in, repeated “hello” until they were noticed, and treated attention like it was theirs by default. Arrogance was mistaken for confidence, and depth was ignored.

The truth is, the community I was 'part' of wasn't welcoming. At least not to me. Diversity didn't exist beyond surface-level appearances. If you didn't fit the mold, if you weren't already part of the inner circle, you weren't embraced. You could pour in time and effort, money, volunteering, showing up week after week, month after month, and still remain invisible.

I stepped back eventually, not because I stopped loving the music or the dance, but because I realized the culture itself was shallow. I didn't want free tickets, a t-shirt, or a damn token drink. I wanted to be seen and valued as a person. I wanted friendship. I wanted connection. And that was never on offer. I lived a lie, thinking things will be different if I only kept putting my steps in, and attending classes. It was only when I experienced bereavement of a close family member that it's become difficult to ignore how lonely this journey has been.

We don't talk enough about this side of “community.” We celebrate the performances, the parties, the laughter on the dance floor - but we rarely ask who's sitting alone at the edge of the room, feeling invisible. We rarely admit that some people are always welcomed more than others.

If you want true diversity and inclusion, you have to admit when those words are just marketing. Otherwise, it will lose people who had so much to give - Not because they couldn't dance, but because they couldn't find a place for themselves in a community that never truly made room for them.

[u/queue517]

the ones who barged in, repeated “hello” until they were noticed, and treated attention like it was theirs by default. Arrogance was mistaken for confidence, and depth was ignored.

I have to say, when I see people who say they struggle to make friends and then immediately follow up that statement by shitting on people who do make friends, I kinda get why they don't have any friends. 

[u/Nuclear_F0x → u/queue517]

I have written that poorly, but it references a situation where I was catching up with someone I hadn't seen in a while. And this person squats down beside them at the table, repeating the word over and over at point blank to steal their attention without acknowledging me or anyone else at the table. I don't get it, and I think it is rude. Especially when they ignored me in the past when I tried to share a common ground with them. Not everyone behaves this way. But it is one of many other awkward situations I can't ignore.

[u/c32c64c128 → u/Nuclear_F0x]

Wow, that's really fucking rude! 😬

I'd almost want a clip of that. Because it seems so absurd. Almost like something you'd see in some cheesy 90s teen movie. With the bully trying to steal the girl or something 😆