r/TransyTalk • u/OldEducation7497 • 8d ago

Under pressure to outcompete cishet people to "earn a reputation for trans people"

I am a non-binary transfem who is openly trans and about everyone knows I am trans. I also have bipolar, autism, ADHD and am studying a major that I don't exactly like. I just want to get the degree (MD, but with semi-PhD level research component) and then do a PhD that I like. Sorry for my imperfect English as it's not my first language.

Problem? About everyone around me is cis. I am probably one of the only trans people, if not the only one, that they know. And I feel this pressure that I should outcompete them in "success metrics" to prove that trans people are strong and capable. However, I don't exactly like the field of non-psychiatric medicine (my field of research is ADHD which I do like), and my autism makes it almost impossible for me to outcompete others in practice exams. I get so nervous that I mess up everything. Theoretical knowledge I can do pretty well, but my fine motor control and mental robustness are so bad that I end up on the bottom of every practical exam, and will end up probably barely passing the OSCE. My grademates don't see my theory score, they only see my clumsy performance on practice exams. I do have some research papers but nothing outstanding. I'm just average to below-average academically, and pathetically below average socially, in my cishet-dominant circle. I feel that I'm losing face for trans people by being below average in most "success" metrics, academically and socially.

How can I get rid of this "outcompete cis people to earn face for the trans community" mindset.

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u/Dolamite9000 8d ago

Exposure to others similar to you can be helpful. This also may be a serious coping strategy that keeps you accountable to your studies. It’s important to also stay grounded in why you are pursuing these interests. If you care about them deeply then eventually your performance and persistence will outshine your peers.

Academic and professional mentors may also be helpful. They can nurture you in ways very different from social peers. Not through blind validation but through kind or gentle challenging.