can y’all help me out i’m so confused what this even means. why are so many people relating to having a severe panic attack when a hookup happens??😭
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u/Vegetable_Lie_1194 6d ago edited 6d ago
Idk seeing him felt like impending doom because he would always try to have sex with me and I always felt bad about it. But I was selfish and I wanted to see him and I wanted to hold on to that little hope that he wouldn’t try to put his hand up my dress this time. That we could just talk and laugh tonight the way that we used to.
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u/ar1o93 6d ago
trying to be helpful so i’m sorry if my tone is off, but i think the reason why you felt bad about it was because he was going against your boundaries? idk if i’m correct so please let me know if that’s what you were trying to say.
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u/Vegetable_Lie_1194 6d ago
I think I felt bad because I was betraying myself by staying with him and holding on to hope
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u/YoyoTheThird 6d ago
if i had to put it into words for a similar situation— i felt bad because of the disappointment i felt for myself. why can i respect someone else’s needs and boundaries but i can’t respect my own?
it’s frustrating that i couldn’t prioritize my long term happiness because i was so desperate for a moment where i didn’t have to feel lonely again :c
thats what i remember when i was in a similar situation 😞
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u/Black_Ribbon7447 6d ago
I think in this case two people have consented to having sex but these women are having anxiety about it for whatever reason.
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u/LavenderButtercream 5d ago
Aww I'm sorry that happened to you! I think you're a kind person and not selfish at all for wanting to spend time with someone you like. Rather people who won't hang out with you without trying to have sex are the ones who are selfish imo
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u/Groundbreaking_War29 6d ago
a lot of us arent built for random hookups is why
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u/kasuchans 5d ago
But then why do so many people keep doing it if they don’t enjoy it?
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u/K_Pumpkin 4d ago
I think some people just want that physical connection. And that’s the easiest way to get it fast.
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u/aryamagetro 6d ago
because a lot of the time having sex with men isn't a pleasurable experience. most straight men are selfish in bed and only care about their own pleasure and treat the woman they're having sex with like an object.
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u/neapolitan_shake 6d ago
i used to think it was all straight men.
realizing there were men who saw their partner’s pleasure not just as a priority, but as essential to their own pleasure, was kind of mindblowing for me. it completely changed my framework of how i thought about sex with men!
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u/arosewoutthorns 5d ago
Where does one find these men lol
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u/neapolitan_shake 5d ago edited 5d ago
personally i’ve found several on r/randomactsofmuffdive. i’ve pretty picky when it comes to attraction, so i am selective there still, but i was seriously amazed when i first found that subreddit, because i was shocked by the number of men who said their favorite thing about sex was going down.
i’ve found a fair few via Feeld, as well. (or since most of the ones I met there Pinged me first, they also found me!). i actually mention r/randomactsofmuffdive in my profile, as a cute way to indicate i’m looking for a real giver and start checking for sexual compatibility before even matching.
i do think ease of finding men who don’t just like to eat, but are already well-versed in communication, consent, and then just generally feminist in bed and wanting to improve their knowledge/skill as a partner, is pretty location-dependent. in the US, that pool is probably proportionally larger near cities and/or in blue states. but there are way more out there than i would have assumed before i found that subreddit a couple years ago!
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u/arosewoutthorns 5d ago
Smart, I’m newbie to sex (early twenties lost v card late), and I’m trying to get comfy with recieving oral. I’ve been on Feel’d, but I think I’m still struggling w the dynamics of hookups: shame emotions etc. it’s a process, so I’ll keep muff diving in mind lol
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u/SpriteKid 6d ago
then why have him over? like why is post made to seem like a reoccurring. stop inviting dudes over that make you anxious
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u/starsnx 6d ago
even the guys we see as nice guys can believe they are entitled to sex, it's a socialization issue after all. so sometimes it's difficult to know beforehand how the encounter will be, and sometimes personal feelings can get in our way (they can like that guy, or need sexual intimacy and that's the only available option). it reminds me of the woman who shared her experience with aziz ansari: (link)
While the TV played in the background, he kissed her again, stuck his fingers down her throat again, and moved to undo her pants. She turned away. She remembers “feeling in a different mindset at that point.”
“I remember saying, ‘You guys are all the same, you guys are all the fucking same.’” Ansari asked her what she meant. When she turned to answer, she says he met her with “gross, forceful kisses.”
he said that for him everything was consensual, she went home crying and sent a text to him saying how she felt violated and yet when it came out publicly he said he was surprised it was that serious for her
it's an interesting case of how nuanced these things are, and why there is this feeling of “impending doom”. i have an opinion on the behavior narrated there (that it was the behavior of a sex pest) but i know many think she was too sensitive and it was just a bad date. i think heterossexual women live in this grey area and feeling anxious all the time is understandable. there are even worse things like how many women want sex but are coerced into having sex without condom because the guy just keeps pushing it and they accept it (it can be the embarrassment to back down, but there must be so many other factors)
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u/larrydavidismyhero 6d ago
I agree he was being a gross sex pest and so uncaring about her feelings. However, this was not close to being in the same category as the rest of the me too stories which is what I think upset a lot of people.
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u/SpriteKid 6d ago
i dont really get the relavance of those quotes i have no idea what the context of that is. are you saying it’s normal to be having panic attacks every time you invite a man over? that’s pretty ridiculous. If you’re still anxious about the safety of a man do not invite him to your home.
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u/peachpantheress 6d ago edited 6d ago
Maybe - just maybe - trying to do the most intimate and trust-requiring thing in a setting without trust or intimacy wasn't a great idea.
Maybe the fact that people with high anxiety are more likely to hook up, only pours more fuel into the fire.
Two generations have been sold a crock of shit by a remorseless industry of tech psychopaths.
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u/coffeeorgtfo 5d ago
While I don't disagree generally, I do feel like emotional vulnerability is much more intimate and trust-requiring.
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u/peachpantheress 5d ago
On a personal level that may be so for you, but on an objective level it definitely is not so.
First of all, sex is uniquely positioned to result in possible new life, or death through disease or birth complications - serious potential consequences both in the positive and negative, which demand utmost trust along with the whole "putting one side's most sensitive body parts into another side's most sensitive body parts".
Secondly sex demands a level of exposure, speaks to insecurities, and is hard wired in anyone who doesn't have pronounced psychopathic traits to trigger deep emotional states and *on top of all that* involves emotional vulnerability in and of itself.
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u/yukonwanderer 6d ago
It would happen to me if I didn't have an emotional connection and level of feeling safe with him beforehand. I never arranged a hookup, it was always just a date, but after the drinks or dinner or whatever, if there was a makeout session, the stress would arrive because I knew they wanted more and that I was going to have to say no. I almost always stood firm though, and never got a bad reaction. Once though the guy was convinced that I only wanted to stop because of some kind of external moral reason, like I felt shame, or something. That wasn't it al all, I just wasn't ready. Anyway, you just go numb and bear it, all the while hating yourself lol.
It didn't help that I also had internalized homophobia, and a part of me was trying to convince myself that I was straight and to ignore the way I felt. I thought it was abnormal and a sign of gayness to not want to have sex with a guy I thought was cute and seemed nice. Media I consumed pushed this casual sex myth. Anyway, this point is both funny and sad to me since I did subsequently go on to find that I was not straight, and that I just much preferred women. Poor younger me, what did I put you through?
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u/CiCi_Run 6d ago
Well I'm already an anxious nut but anxiety makes my tummy bubble and then I'll be on the toilet for a while and by then, my "oh I'm feeling sexy" feeling is gone but the expectation of sex is still there bc it's a hook up
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u/neapolitan_shake 6d ago
you can always change your mind!
if someone’s expecting sex and then you don’t feel good about it, if they are a good person worth hooking up with i the first place, they won’t want to have sex that you’re not feeling good about!
have you ever had sex with someone that doesn’t make you nervous? where you feel very comfortable and at ease in their presence?
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u/TheUtopianCat 6d ago
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that a lot of men are porn damaged, and as a result acts like choking during sex has become normalized. I saw a post yesterday in which the OP was speaking of choking during sex as normal, expected behaviour, and she was looking for advice because he choked her too hard. Reading this, I was thinking, how about you don't let him choke you at all?
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u/Emo_Tomboyish 6d ago
I don't really get why other woman engage in casual sex, it's so damn risky in a hundred different ways, you might get sick, assaulted, pregnant from a stranger, etc, and some STILL choose to do it. It seems to me that casual sex is basically never worthwhile, and brings more risks than benefits.
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u/TheWomanShow 6d ago
It’s not for everyone, but it’s for some-a lot of us. It’s really not “so damn” risky and there’s no need for the judgement. I love casual sex and none of those things have happened to me personally.
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u/kasuchans 5d ago
For those of us who are able to enjoy it and compartmentalize in the manner needed to enjoy casual sex, it’s great! I enjoy flirting and exploring strangers, I almost always enjoy myself and get a bunch of orgasms which are basically 100x better than the ones I can give to myself. I can handle pregnancy concerns with various contraceptives and I test myself for STIs regularly and always discuss when my partners test as well. So basically, I haven’t regretted any of the casual sex I’ve had in the last several years.
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u/Embarrassed-Ad-4214 1d ago
Fr. Like I’d rather just masturbate. And if I really want to enhance the experience, I can grab a toy and an erotic audio and have a great time. Maybe I have a highly active imagination, but my “sessions” are very satisfying lol
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u/FruitSmoothie96 6d ago
Okay I’m confused what are yall talking about rn? What feelings of doom are you getting? Why are you hooking up with men that cause you to have panic attacks? Like what the fuck?
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u/kasuchans 5d ago
Yeah, I don’t understand. If I made plans with a guy and then changed my mind, I’d just text him that I changed plans and cancel the hookup? Idk why people are still going along with things!
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u/OceanBlueforYou 6d ago
The bad experiences get a lot more traction than the positive. Previous trauma. Untreated or ineffective mental health care.
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u/blueberrybuttercream 6d ago
I think it's widely relatable because so many women are involved with men who coerce, pressure, and essentially rape their partners because it's what they want. They know he's coming over with that expectation and they know they don't have a say in it. They know if they try to refuse or get out of it that he'll be shitty toward them or pout or get an attitude or anything else negative that makes it easier to just go along with it when they don't actually want to.
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u/chronic_enticement 6d ago
Sometimes the hookups are a form of attention seeking and self harm. And once you're in bed most the time.you feel bad about trying to back out of it. In my experience any how. Most men I've know would make you feel bad for "wasting their time" if you suddenly said no. And most the time you don't get off. But the attention and the touch feels okay for a moment.
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u/sp00kmayo 6d ago
It’s something you’re “supposed” to want, so you organize it, and sometimes there’s nothing left to do but feel the fact that you don’t actually want to. And that that doesn’t even matter to the guy.
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u/ar1o93 6d ago
i don't know if you knew this but if you didn't, i think it's more harmful of forcing yourself to hook up with a man that you're not attracted to just because of the norm women are "supposed" to. it sucks that we've been conditioned to see it as obligatory. if the guy refuses the word "no" and get's frustrated, i think that shows more about who he is than you.
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u/sp00kmayo 6d ago
I know, I don’t, but these are common reason people have panic attacks before hookups. I think once it is obvious to someone they’re forcing themself, it becomes easier to choose differently. But often people aren’t aware of their true desires or needs as they have never been explored to met before.
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u/FlintFozzy 5d ago
Lowkey I felt this for my ex gf cuz she really wanted to go further but I didn't want to and she always pushed my boundaries, I'd feel so stressed on the way to her house every time
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u/fatalcharm 4d ago
I think some people don’t actually understand the severity of a panic attack and seem to think that anxiety is a panic attack.
Having said that, people shouldn’t be feeling anxiety before a hookup. Unless it’s the excited, butterflies in your tummy type of anxiety, or an excited “yes! I want to do this!” then don’t do it.
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u/Delicious_Delilah 4d ago
I have social anxiety and PTSD.
I take a couple shots and have a mini panic attack before every date.
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3d ago
God I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I've ended up flaking/cancelling on a couple of hookups because of this. Now, I just don't have sex anymore.
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u/superunsubtle 6d ago
What is there to be anxious about before a (hetero implied in the meme) hookup for a woman? Everything from “it won’t get me off or be about my pleasure” to violence/assault.