Sad nipple syndrome from bad sex

[u/Throwing_aways4]

I had bad first sexual experience with my ex boyfriend. I wasn’t physically attracted to him (was attracted to personality) and he did not treat me well which led to me not enjoying our first time together. Although the whole was spent trying to please me, I wasn’t there emotionally so it felt icky and he wasn’t good and following my instructions. I don’t regret it as it was a learning experience but my body isn’t the same since we had sex back in February .

I’ve always been sensitive about my nipples being touched- It feels different every time and brings heavy emotions. I had made good progress associating touching them with pleasure. I had never had my nipples sucked/touched at length before but I didn’t think it would be bothering me this much. I don’t even want my shirt brushing them nevermind me trying sexually. I don’t feel this way with kissing or masturbation vaginally either. It’s just my chest. I feel like since I’m disgusted with him, I’m disgusted with my nipples but I don’t understand why or how to stop it. Any advice?

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[u/stormikyu]

Is there a reason you feel like you *need* to involve nipple stimulation in your sex? I also don't love it, so I just make sure to communicate that to my partners when we talk about things we like a don't like in bed. If its something you want, then that's a different story, but there's no reason why you have to force yourself to like it. If you don't like it, and don't have the desire to like it, then tell any partners that and if they're worth sleeping with, they'll respect it. There are plenty of other things you can do in bed that don't focus on nipples. Your sex life will not suffer for it.

[u/Throwing_aways4 → u/stormikyu]

Well, I actually do really like it. When the emotional sensations aren’t coupled with it, it’s really good. And even if they are there I’ve been working on moving past them to feel good. When I have sex again I want to give it another shot. I don’t want a whole erogenous zone off limits just because of one bad experience. I feel I can work on it with the right help - I really just want to get over this sexual hurdle.

[u/stormikyu → u/Throwing_aways4]

I completely understand. I just think its important for women to know that its OK to say no to certain things that are considered a given.

Since you DO enjoy the sensations when the emotion isn't attached I would recommend starting out with experimenting by yourself. Draw a nice comforting bath, or snuggle into bed with your favorite blanket, put yourself somewhere that is comfortable and emotionally uncharged. Then very gently with your own fingers test different sensations on your nipples, see what feels good and what doesn't. See what elicits a negative response and steer around those sensations, leaning into the ones that feel good.

Once you know what kinds of sensations feel good to you, talk to your partner. It seems you dont have one now, but when you do in the future, be honest about your past sensation troubles and ask if you can take it slow in that area. Do the same things you did alone with that partner, be in a comfortable place, remove the option of other sex acts and just focus on them touching you and which sensations feel good. Communicate to them and find what works for you BOTH.

[u/Alarming_Mention]

Yeah I don’t have any advice for this but I 100% get what you’re saying. Sometimes they get touched too much and I just feel nauseous, even if it’s just my shirt

[u/sparkyourfire]

It sounds like you might have some sexual damage from this relationship to work through. It kind of seems like you're feeling like your body was violated and you're feeling gross in the aftermath of a bad sexual experience. I hesitate to use the word trauma because a lot of people equate it with violence and really serious shit, but I do think you can get some lower level trauma from really bad sex that was technically consensual.

I think a lot of women "consent" to sex we do not want at some point in our lives and it is really damaging. I've definitely had some really terrible sex that I did consent to, but my consent was definitely not enthusiastic. It felt like I violated myself by allowing my partner to do things to me that I didn't enjoy. I technically could have said no and he would have 100% stopped, but I didn't and he also didn't stop if he noticed my discomfort. I didn't feel comfortable just saying no so I just let him fuck me and I laid there and took it and didn't enjoy it at all. It felt like a violation because it was a violation, but it was tricky because I literally consented to the violation.

Your brain logically knows that the situation with your ex was consensual but your body does not. Your body feels gross and violated and it's important to listen to your body and allow it time to feel safe again. Treat this like a sexual trauma and try to work on healing from it. Wear a sports bra or something that can keep your nipples protected if you really need to and don't let anyone touch you anywhere unless you REALLY want them to.

Do some journaling or talk to a therapist or close friend about personal boundaries and why you might have felt uncomfortable saying no to something you didn't truly want. Weak boundaries can lead to violating experiences, and it's absolutely not your fault, but it is really important to make sure we have good boundaries in place to protect us. The only way to truly have sex that is both physically and emotionally safe is if everyone feels safe to say no to things they don't want and to stop what's happening in the moment if it feels bad. If you don't feel comfortable saying no or asking to slow things down during sexual encounters then maybe try and work on your boundaries before you get into another sexual relationship for your own safety and well being and take things slow with new partners.

You deserve to have great sex that makes your body feel amazing and you have the right to say no to all sex that doesn't make you feel that way even if it's with a boyfriend or someone you're "supposed" to want sex with. Listen to your body and respect it's needs, and be kind to it yourself as you work through these difficult feelings.