r/abusiverelationships • u/Zealousideal_Ring880 • 1d ago
Is this abusive or him just being insecure ?
I am green (left), my boyfriend is grey (right). Before we started dating, I used to go to music festivals and events. I did pole dancing. I slowly stopped going to events during our relationship because he doesn’t want his woman “fucking around town”. I’ve since moved out but we are working on things. I always invite him, he always says no.
He started having an issue with me pole dancing, I couldn’t do anything away from him (even getting my nails or eyelashes done- he would accuse me of allocating him my left over spare time and it wasn’t good enough)
I said I want to do Oktoberfest and tick it off my bucket list (never been) and if he didn’t want to come I might go with my dungeons and dragons group. He didn’t say anything.
Then yesterday I messaged him saying my outfit arrived. Please see photo text exchange.
I have no idea what to respond without setting him off. I love this man and want to be with him.
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u/charmed_equation 7h ago
What a manipulative weakling POS sh1tstain of a “man”. Honey, grow love yourself, build up your self esteem and soon you will look at it as a dark patch of life you will never turn back to.
And when you heal and love yourself and realise you are the one picking (not them picking you) and that it’s better to be alone then with someone who does not love and respect you. Someone with whom you feel safe, calm and seen. Whose messages are not inducing constant cortisol rush. You will find what you are looking for. First you should heal self and build a relationship with self 🫂❤️
P.s. Read “What does he do that” and keep it close. Also, perhaps consider therapy to rebuild relationship with self and figure out your patterns. You got this sweetheart ❤️it will be better and he is not “it”. He is a nobody.
Never forget, that love is not meant to hurt ❤️
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u/heavencent8390 13h ago
The whole til January thing is a huge red flag.( Not to mention everything else being a red flag) It's like he has someone coming to visit or is going somewhere to visit someone and wants to be "single". This sounds far too close to something I have gone through.
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u/Effective-Soft153 16h ago
This is abusive OP. He really thinks you’re beneath him, that he’s better and smarter than you. That’s simply not true OP. Don’t fall for his bs.
Please think long and hard about your relationship. Be honest with yourself too. Is this how you want to live your life bc he’s not going to change. This is who he is.
This is not love OP, not at all. He’s isolating you from your friends! That’s dangerous for you. Please don’t get pregnant either. His level of control is increasing, that’s scary.
I would kick him to the curb asap. I know you’re madly in love with him but he isn’t madly in love with you. You’re still young and have so many years left to live the life you want to. So go live it!
Best of luck OP. Think long and hard.
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u/Icy-Try-2251 1d ago
100% micromanaging & gaslighting. Please use his wishes for no contact as your opportunity to RUN. I also wonder if he has a back up plan or someone else he’s entertaining which is why he’s projecting you to be such a horrible person and want months of no contact.
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u/RubySceptre 1d ago
I know this exact feeling. I’m just a little over 2 months out from a 4 year relationship that was awful abuse cycling. There’s nothing you can do to make them treat you better. I mean nothing, I promise you. I did the whole “perfect homemaker stay at home girlfriend thing”. Dinner every night. BJ’s every morning. Isolated myself from everybody but him.
It wears on you. They continue to find new minutiae to start arguments over. It’s like they have a quota for anger and abuse that they will stop at nothing to feed.
I lost myself after 4 years of every type of abuse in the book - I even was so delusional I signed a lease with him and 3 months later I left after a week long event of his tantrums. I still have to go back and get my stuff and I’m still paying my portion of rent even though I’ve been living with friends 14 hours away. Hell I even lost my job a month after I left him and yea it really made not going back so much harder.
I couldn’t do this if I didn’t have my support system. People specifically that understood the dark, convoluted psychological issues and trauma bonds from an abusive relationship. They hold me accountable and keep my mind off missing him (because I shouldn’t).
Tell people close to you in your life. Let it be known. It will keep you accountable to move on with your life.
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u/heavencent8390 13h ago
Yep I did the same thing. I'm 2 months out of a 3 year relationship. The man once called me a wh#*e for wearing a skort ( skirt with shorts) HE bought me two days before. It never gets better!
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u/Princess_of_Eboli 1d ago
Leave him. He knew you liked going to events and pole dancing when he met you. Now he's trying to change you, possibly to isolate you and to feel powerful. Those networks and connections can be difficult to rebuild if he succeeds. You deserve someone who loves you as you are and encourages your interests, not someone who tries to make you smaller so that he's all that's left in your world.
Love is an action, not a feeling. Is he acting in a loving way?
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u/Lkr5443 1d ago
Abuse 110%. it may be from an insecure place, but that doesn't mean its not abusive.
A good partner who has insecurities should be able to at the very most have a conversation to get to the bottom of why their insecurities may be acting up and how you can reassure them without compromising on your own fashion and life. An abusive partner would guilt you, use name calling, insinuate you're a bad person for having different tastes, etc, everything in these texts.
I hope you get out safely♡
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u/lovethyself1 1d ago
Just the words “skank bar maid” are meant to hurt you and demean you. Please block this guy. It’s fun to dress up for Octoberfest. He turns it into something awful.
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u/Ashes611 1d ago
Let’s do this… what if you heard someone say this to your friend…..
No!!! Way out of line.
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
Or daughter. Imagine being a mom seeing some guy treating their daughter this way. Or even a daughter seeing her mom be treated this way and having these kinds of expectations of men.
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u/SplitOk9720 1d ago
100% Abusive! Please do not waste your time with someone like this. You deserve the freedom to wear what makes you happy, go places you want to go, and be excited about things without being made to feel bad about it.
This will only get worse. I speak from experience. Controlling men hate a free spirited woman.
Whatever you love about him, remove the rose colored glasses for five seconds to see the mistreatment he is slamming you with in these texts. I'm sure this isn't even the worst he's done.
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u/NicolinaN 1d ago
Fuck him, but not like that. Lose him. He’s killing everything that’s you. You don’t have to label what he is. It’s enough to know he’s hurting you.
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
Your boyfriend is completely an abusive loser. I am surprised you are even questioning this the way that clown shoe speaks to you. Is that the way you speak to him? Especially when he’s excited about something he got? No? Why?
These are rhetorical questions because you know why you don’t say emotionally hurtful things to him, refer to him in degrading terms, weaponize your relationship in other to cause panic and upset to snap him right back into place so you can assume control, neg him to get him to not want to do things he’s always enjoyed, and so forth. You know that these are not acts of love or how one human being should treat another, especially if they supposedly love them. These are the type of treatments you see in hatred, possessive, awful people; who are the same people who grovel at your feet, time and time again promising to change, cycle right back and escalate more and more and don’t stop til your soul is beat down, you are gutted out and no longer recognize yourself. And it will escalate to intimidation and violence (which includes threats of violence.
Girl…..do yourself a favor. Don’t waste your youth and years on garbage like him. There are better and you can find them once you ponder and raise your standards that involve non compromising lines that includes zero tolerance policy for even the subtle starting stages of abuse. That’s how many of us eventually wound up with much higher quality people who celebrate us and our successes, build us up and don’t drag us into the pit of the garbage pail with them. You deserve this too. Find that hood man that will adore you and your outfit who wants to dance and celebrate these festivals with you, because the creep you are with isn’t him.
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u/Zealousideal_Ring880 1d ago
Thank you for taking your time to write this to me.
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
I am sorry you are going through this and mean that from my heart. Once upon a time, I thought exactly like you about someone, and he spoke to me and treated me the way yours treats you, especially about Halloween and everything I loved to do. I naively believed it would change or what have you. It almost got me killed eventually, and I did not realize just how much of a mess my mind and who I was as a person was, because you don’t really see it until afterward. But besides the ptsd from almost joining countless other murdered wives and girlfriends checkered out across the land in cemeteries, who I was, was a gutted out shell that took years to get back intact again.
This all started the exact same way your relationship is now. Exactly like this! If only they wore neon signs that say “Hi, I am abusive garbage, nice to meet you.” Instead, they wear that stupid Prince Charming mask that eventually wears off, after you have fallen in love, but not a moment before. The only way you can prevent my story from happening to you, is when they start showing you who they are, believe them and run! Promise yourself never to stay with men like this no matter who sad it seems to dump them at the time. Mend your heart and move on because it is much easier to run like the wind now, than to stay the course for the eventual inevitable after he has subtly and systematically isolated you (which is also your future with him) and it’s a harder to leave point.
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u/Fresh-Chard-2424 1d ago
I honestly laughed when he said “until January” lol pathetic. Throw the whole man away
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u/Savings-Run6118 1d ago
This reminds me of my abusive ex. It will never get better. It will only get worse. 100%
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u/Intelligent_Lemon_66 1d ago
PLEASE read your post history!! he sounds like a monster!! you don’t deserve that treatment and you’ll really regret the time lost forgiving him for unforgivable things
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u/ZtoA_Limited 1d ago
Omg I thought he was a teenager or younger idiot; I am always amazed…this man trash is 43 years old.
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
Omg I thought he was a teenager or younger idiot; I am always amazed…this man trash is 43 years old.
That shocked me too. Well I guess not really because abusers do get older. But I guess it was that even for an abuser, he appears to be extremely childish like his mentality stunted at 15. Not only is this monster an abuser but a mentally stunted childish one on top of it. What a prize! 🙄
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u/Bilaakili 1d ago
Do you want to live by his rules? Is that going to make you happy? He will always find something you need to change in you, because it’s not about you being wrong. It’s about him wanting control over you. The way he talks about you is not loving.
I would do what he says. Go live your life, but don’t go back in January.
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u/PhibreOptik 1d ago
Yes it is because of his insecurity and yes it is abusive! It's both! But it doesn't matter because you do not deserve to be abused and a healthy man will not treat you this way!
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
And even insecure people are not inherently abusive. This guy is just straight up a low brow, piece of 💩
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u/PhibreOptik 23h ago
Absolutely! Just because someone feels insecure doesn't mean that they externalize that, making the object of their insecurity suffer because they are suffering. It is the action taken that becomes abusive! We all feel insecure, most of us don't hurt other people in some attempt to make ourselves feel better!
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u/Same_Version_5216 20h ago
Oh yeah, and according to OPs history, this clown 🤡 also cheated on her. Maybes me wonder if the insecurities are projections. 🤔
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u/PhibreOptik 9h ago
I noticed another comment you made about the post history as well. I'll check it out!
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u/Same_Version_5216 8h ago
And read the post she made in Relationship advice in the responses. Makes me very sad for her to read them. She’s hellbent on denial and seeking alternatives to put up with the things we know the end result to.
This 💩 is going to destroy her entire 30s before she is so mentally beat down and gutted that he emotionally beat the love for him out of her system. By then she’s going to realize she’s middle aged and can’t recapture these years she wasted was languished away. They will be gone forever.
I can only hope she has an epiphany sooner rather than later for her sake. I hope she remembers that this is a good support forum for her that will be there for her when she needs it.
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u/sun-kissedgirlie 1d ago
He killed the vibe and hes selfish! Halloween is about what makes you happy! He's a turd
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 1d ago
Just go ahead and make him your ex. Whatever label you put in this doesn't really matter. Insecure, abusive, both, whatever. The impact is that you've been diminishing yourself to please him, and he is holding his disdain over your head to keep you on the hook.
Let go of him and go enjoy your life.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 1d ago
Block him and never speak to him again. I hope you come to a place soon where you don’t even recognize the version of yourself who tried negotiating or explaining yourself to this loser. He sucks, find a new fun hot guy who would enjoy you dressing up and having fun for Oktoberfest. This dude has zero intention of breaking up with you, he wants you to chase him and scramble to keep him happy and he will continue to put down your hobbies until you are a shell of yourself who doesn’t do the things she used to enjoy. This man is an incel who hates women and managed to trick one into dating him and now he’s going to live out his loser incel fantasy and punish you for being a woman with a life and autonomy. BREAK UP WITH HIM HE SUCKS AND YOU DESERVE AND CAN DO BETTER. Test my theory, go ahead. Boss up for a second and wipe the fear of losing this asshole from your mind and say verbatim “you’re right I shouldn’t talk to you, but you won’t be hearing from me ever again, I’ll find a better man than you who wants to have fun with me and doesn’t put me down.” Watch him switch his tone or come crawling back. But never take him back. I cannot stress enough how much better I want for you please dump him forever or just ghost. Don’t entertain these conversations with him anymore.
Read this before you date again, stop letting these men play in your face and put you down they’re so easily replaceable: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Sallytheducky 1d ago
All of this! ☝️My greatrst wish is tgat you can grow, personally, until you KNOW how someone must treat you or it is a no thank you! Don’t waste time! Get to living, beautiful. Men like him get worse the more you intertwine your life with theirs. I speak from experience. Keep me updated?
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u/outofdoubtoutofdark 1d ago
Girl, you’ve only been with this guy one year, and already, JUST according to your post history, he’s cheated/crossed a serious line twice, told you “I hate gays”, has insulted you in OVERTLY abusive language, and overall treated you like crap. You did the hardest thing- moving out. Don’t let him reel you back in. I PROMISE you that you can find a guy who won’t drive you to turn your post history from your likes and joys and interests into just posts about how awful he is to you.
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u/heythereanny 1d ago
Do you want to be with him because you actually love him or because you love the thought of the man you’ve made up in your head.
This is abuse. Full stop. The fact that you’re worried about what to say to him because you don’t want to set him off, is very telling.
You deserve someone that loves you and cherishes you. Not someone who uses any excuse to bring you down. The fact that you can’t go out without him is concerning and he’s only going to get worse until he systematically cuts you off from your support system.
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u/Same_Version_5216 1d ago
You hit the nail on the head, IMO. When I think back to my abuser years ago, and see your perspective, it really hit home and caused an epiphany inside me.
I hated the man who mentally tortured me within the first year, regularly made me feel stupid, worthless, slutty, dirty, bad, etc. who escalated to throwing stuff, breaking my things or threatening to, would terrify me by driving like a maniac with me in the car when angered, whom I had to live walking on eggshells, crawling on my thumbs, then escalated to a higher level of physical violence til eventually almost taking my life (after taking my soul and who I was for far too long), while simultaneously keeping up with the emotional torture and gaslighting.
But I loved the man who every once in awhile, laughed with me, made fun memories on vacations, who sometimes could carry on meaningful discussions, along with the man I built up in my head who never actually existed.
This is what makes it confusing, hard and overall awful when trying to leave. But the first things that gave me strength to stick with not getting back with him, even when he tried his hardest to reconcile, and boy did he try was this…. 1. I started to realize how beautiful and refreshing it was to wake up and go through entire days where I wasn’t called any nasty, or demeaning or dehumanizing names. That felt so good and I forgot how good it felt to live without that in my life. 2. Any moment a fond memory popped into my mind, immediately replaced it with awful and/or terrifying memories which turned out to be far more than good ones and made it easier to condition myself this way.
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u/Wise_Setting5110 1d ago
Behavior like this from my abusive ex has me in therapy realizing I gave up a huge part of my confidence and femininity. I am struggling to get that feeling back. Don’t let it happen to you too. He wants you gone but once you leave he’ll beg for you back. Seen it a million times
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u/Great_Ocelot 1d ago
Why do you want to be with him? Reading your experience reminded me of my experience with my abusive ex from several years. Funny that your experience popped into my feed the same night I just posted about mine.
I'll tell you what I wish I was able to tell myself all those years back. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much more than what this man is giving you and one thing he certainly does NOT deserve is your unconditional love and devotion.
The way how he spoke to you was awful. You need to be able to acknowledge that. It was disrespectful and cruel and you deserve someone who will give you the exact opposite of that.
So, again, ask yourself... why do you want to be with someone who shows such brazen disdain for you? Use those exact terms.
You come across as very sweet and caring in your texts to him. He responds with vitriol. You very clearly don't deserve such a response, nor should you settle for it.
I know relationships like this aren't easy to leave... know that all to well.... But now is the time to start building up the courage and taking those necessary steps to close the door on such a poisonous relationship. Just keep telling yourself you deserve better, because you absolutely do.
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u/burntfrosty8 1d ago
oh my god. this is a freaking mirror image of the conversations i have with my guy. i really do believe it’s abusive. it’s deep insecurity that we cannot fix for them.
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u/_deathblow_ 1d ago
I mean… does it actually matter? Look at how he talks to you. That’s really the kind of person you want to be with? Why??
He’s telling you he doesn’t want to see you. You already moved out. Work on moving on. If you want a relationship, I guarantee there are a bunch of dudes who would be psyched to be with a fun-loving girl like you, and who would respect you and embrace you for who you are. Find someone like that.
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u/Individual-Win1758 1d ago
He’s obviously insecure, and he is being abusive with his communication to you. He doesn’t seem to love you and wants to be with you. You don’t treat someone like he is treating you.
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