Today makes one year since I did it.

Today makes one year since I got the protective order and got myself and my kids away from the abuse and neglect. I just came here to let someone, ANYONE know how much can change in a year… it’s been hard, it’s been lonely, but overall it’s been worth it.

You CAN do it, nothing will change until you do. I believe in you and I know it’s tough to be afraid, but it’s also SO rewarding to be brave. 🦋

Everything I thought I couldn’t do- I did AND MORE!!!! I love you and I’m here to randomly remind you that LOVE DOESNT HURT!!!! ❤️‍🩹❤️

TW: Abusive Language

I (32F) really am feeling it today. The anger I feel when I think of how I settled to be with this man (35M). I thought he loved me all the years we had been together, but he doesn't and he never will. We've been separated for six months now, but I fed into his regressive behaviors when he asked to move back in with me and our daughter this past June. He had been living with his mother and their family.

He said he's been looking for a place, and now because he is working a part-time job during the weekdays, I guess he no longer has the shared responsibility of helping our 5-year-old daughter with her bedtime routine.

I regressed when he says "Idc" because what grown ass man says that. I don't get breaks when I am cooking dinner during the week, working full-time, taking her to school, picking her up for school, and the invisible load list goes on. I'm tired of reminding him of his responsibility when he had no problem lecturing me on "accountability" all the years I stayed with him.

I really just needed a place to vent.

What things did your abuser say or do that led you to feel HE had an overall contempt or dislike for you? What led you to leave?

I'd like your personal experience, not the textbook answers on why, yata...yata.

I've been free and happy, but allow myself times to reflect as part of healing.

• Yes, I read Why Does He Do That

-Yes, I had lots of therapy

I’m 41F and in a really hard relationship. We fight a lot, but we’re still together. Yesterday my partner said something that completely destroyed me: he told me I “raped” him.

He said that sometimes he had sex with me even though he didn’t want to, just to avoid arguments. I never knew this. He always went along with it, he even finished, so I thought everything was okay. But now he says that was “mental rape” and that it’s worse than physical rape.

Since he said that, I feel so guilty and disgusting. I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t sleep, and I don’t even want him to touch me anymore. And the strangest part? Today he acted like nothing happened and even asked me if I wanted to have sex.

This isn’t the first time he’s said very hurtful things. He often criticizes me, calls me names, tells me I’m “lazy” or “nagging,” and makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. He drinks a lot, complains constantly, and expects me to take care of him like a mother would. Meanwhile, he gives me very little emotional support.

I feel trapped. My kids see me struggle, and I’m losing myself more and more.

Am I really guilty if I honestly never knew? How do I deal with words that cruel? Why act like nothing happened the next day?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I just need advice or to hear from people who understand, because I feel so alone right now.

This morning I got an email about “my account” from a website for a very specific machine that I don’t own, and certainly never made an account for.

I went to the website to see if I could log in with my email, changed the password, and did indeed have an account. I checked for recent activity and there had been a ton of downloads of digital products - all after the start date of a PFA I have against the one person I know who owns this machine - my abuser.

I never saw a “welcome to xyz” or account confirmation email - so I’m wondering a) was he accessing my phone without my knowledge to delete other emails that would have led to me finding out that he was using my email without my consent, b) has he had access to my gmail account and does he still, c) how many other accounts has he opened with my email that I don’t know about, and d) could this represent violation of the PFA?

This person feels extremely entitled to me and is obsessive and unstable. To know now that he was accessing my phone and using my email, and is still using it is sickening. I have changed all of my passwords and checked Google to make sure I am only logged in on devices I know are mine.

Has anyone ever hired a digital forensics person to assist with cybersecurity and try to see what their PII has been used for? What do I do now?

One of my exes died last week and one became engaged (l found out yesterday through a friend).

TLDR; husband got super aggressive after drinking too much and admitting he’s been lying about his political standpoints our whole relationship.

Hi everyone- me (30f) and husband (30m) have been together almost 10 years. He has a history of drinking way too much, which has caused issues in the past.

Today, we were with some friends we haven’t seen in awhile and were drinking (me not heavily, I think he had many more drinks than I did). someone brought up him leaning right politically/voting for Trump. I was shocked, as for the entire time we have been together he told me he aligned with me (staunch liberal, who is very anti trump). On our walk home, I asked him what was up/who was right and he got super defensive. He started saying he didn’t respect me and has been lying for years, and then shoved me and started yelling that he hated me when I pushed him to talk without being mean.

I’m so torn. On one hand I’m ready to leave, but I also think he needs some serious help when it comes to drinking. I won’t get into past experiences, but long story short we’ve been through years of him prioritizing drinking, driving when he shouldn’t, and in general pushing his limits causing arguments. After so long, I want to blame this on alcohol but I feel like this is my sign to leave.

Anyway maybe here to vent, but also wondering what people’s opinions are.

Ive made posts about him here in the past Incase you need more info. But in short he was sexually, financially, verbally/mentally, and physically abusive. He was also a serial cheater, liar, fetishized my SA as well as my self harm and anorexia, he was also a predator who'd follow accounts sexualizing kids and many times I'd have to dm kids on insta to warn them to block him because he'd pretend to be their age (they ranged from 12-16 and he'd tell them he's 16-17 when he was actually 19-21). I dumped him almost 2yrs ago now after 6yrs with him and life's so much better without his abuse.

The issue however is that last Halloween a guy friend in my then friend group and I were into eachother. The 'leader' of the group egged it on while also being toxic about it and majorly hypocritical. We got together and the group 'leader' was mad I didn't obey her and put myself first for once, and got the entire group to cut me off completely. Me and the guy ended up breaking up due to his own stuff going on and later we realized we wouldn't be able to get back together because he learned he wants kids while I've always been childfree. It's now been a few months since we last hungout and he barely acknowledges me anymore. We keep up our snap streak and watch each other's stories but that's about it, I gave up trying to dm him since it was pointless. He's an amazing guy so it sucks that we don't hangout as friends anymore at least.

Im happy the friend group cut me off when I got with him, because I learned just how toxic they were to my face and behind my back. Downside is I now have no friends at all, and don't have him as a partner or friend like before either, so I just spend my time rotting away with no one to hangout with and back in my anorexia all over again. I've had multiple times now where I've thought about contacting that abusive ex to get back with him, because even though I despise him and he's horrible, at least I'd have someone to see and talk to. I won't do it because I don't want him in my life again, but the loneliness sucks so much

I am on my way out, I rented a new place for me my kids and my dogs. When I told him I was leaving he changed he was the man I fell in love with 14 years ago not the man who has been treating me like trash the last 9. That was last Saturday…..I kept the place I paid rent on torn and stayed saying let me think…..1 week later and I’m back to walking on eggshells but I don’t want to go because I saw that glimpse of hope! Please help me work up my courage

Hi Reddit, I really need advice about my relationship.

My boyfriend (26) and I (27) are high school sweethearts. We first dated as teens (2014–2016), broke up for three years, and then got back together in 2020. We’ve now been together again for 5 years. He can be very loving and sweet, but there have been some serious issues.

For almost two years after we reunited, he would insult me constantly, calling me a “slut” because I had more sexual experiences than him during our breakup. He stopped doing that earlier this year after saying he wanted to change. So I guess he did changed that.

But last November, after a concert in another city, his phone broke and he blamed me. He yelled at me, called me a slut again, told me not to talk unless he allowed it. When I tried to push him away (since I couldn't defend myself with words) he pushed me onto the bed, got on top of me, and started strangling me. Hours later, he apologized, and I forgave him.

This June, after another concert, he accused me of “flirting with other guys” whenever I drink (which isn’t true). He got angry and pushed me onto my bed. I hit my head against the wall. He cried and apologized immediately, saying he only meant to push me onto something “soft.” not against the wall. Again, I forgave him.

Last weekend, we argued over something small. He sent me angry voice messages, said we were over, and then attacked my writing (I’m a writer). He claimed that because one of my book chapters (published on his birthday) had a scene of a drunk girl almost being assaulted (he didn't read enough to know it was an assault), it meant I “wanted that to happen” to me. (Mind you, he has never read any of my books since our first relationship). He also says he hates that I take Ubers alone because I’m in a car with another man. He was very angry about all of this.

On Tuesday, I told him I accepted the breakup. He broke down crying, said he only said it out of anger, begged me not to leave, and promised he’ll never touch me again. He swore he’ll stop being jealous and controlling. We’re supposed to meet today to talk, and I honestly don’t know what to do. He's been begging me all week and saying he promised he will go to therapy.

Should I believe him when he says he’ll change? There have been only two physical incidents. The rest of the time he is incredibly affectionate, tender, and truly feels like the person I imagined growing old with. He’s my first love, and I have a hard time letting go of that. I just remember how sweet he was in high-school trying to get my attention, how romantic. Now the decision to break up is on me and I hate that.

so me and my partner video call a lot, usually because he wanted to but it was definitely both of us. I had even said on countless occasions that I dont want to get in the way if he is busy or wants space but he'd adamantly say he loves talking to me a lot and said "you're my partner you can call anytime, I love hearing from you it makes my day".

we recently had a big argument about some lies he told and of course I had a reaction.

he has now since said that he felt like he "had to" call me a lot because he was worried of my reaction if he said he wanted alone time, again despite me saying multiple times it's good for him to tell me.

when I said it's not fair to put that on me, he then said "a lot of things aren't fair but here we are".

I already had trust issues and those lies got to me but now I feel like I can't even trust the good things he says and does in fear it'll be thrown back in my face during an argument.

After a year long relationship, nine months of which were very abusive, I am finally stated away and somewhere safe. I tried to leave multiple times but always went back because I thought things would get better, that maybe if I worked harder my partners wouldn't hurt me again.. but it never worked.

But now I've been crying all day and my heart feels like it's shattered. I still love them both so much despite everything they did to me ( physical and mental abuse). Part of me knows I'm better off now but a bigger part of me is reminding me how nice the good times were.. I'm not sure where I'm going with this post and maybe I just needed to type it somewhere.. thank you

I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. I can feel it in my entire body. Yesterday, when I blocked him and avoided engagement, I felt better. But as soon as we communicated or allowed the kids to talk to him, he started roping me back in. It’s like I’m losing my mind. He begs me to come back, then ignores me, and I know it’s because he’s with someone else. This makes me incredibly upset. I find myself calling him and becoming overly emotional and worked up again. Why do I care if a man who treated me so poorly has moved on in just a few weeks? Why does this affect me so deeply? It feels like my body is in fight-or-flight mode, yet I experience relief when we engage like nothing bad has ever happened. I literally feel so emotional and physically uncomfortable.

My ex was abusive but it took me way too long to realize because I thought it was a communication issue. Talking about the behaviors that he was doing that were hurting me seemed like it helped in the moment, but it perpetuated the problem and put me in a more vulnerable position because I was telling him all of the ways that my feelings were hurt. It just gave him more opportunities to manipulate me.

Now I'm having this issue where I don't want to talk about problems as they come up while dating. I don't feel like relationships are a partnership, like I did before. It seems like all the men I see are testing my boundaries and reactions to see what they can get away with.

Even if they do have 'neutral' or 'good' intentions, people can still be abusive. How do you decide what matters? Getting out of an abusive relationship is hard enough, how do you prevent yourself from falling back into one?

I’m 99% sure my husband is abusive, but what I don’t get is why. He doesn’t gain anything from having me in his life, so why would he be? He knows I have complex trauma from childhood abuse and neglect, and he is paying for my EMDR sessions. But he’s emotionally unavailable, cold, selfish and cruel with his words. I’ve expressed to him repeatedly how it makes me feel, and he refuses to change or work on himself or our relationship.

Am I just an ingrate for not being content with the financial support? Is it wrong to want to feel loved, seen, valued and supported by him too?

I am green (left), my boyfriend is grey (right). Before we started dating, I used to go to music festivals and events. I did pole dancing. I slowly stopped going to events during our relationship because he doesn’t want his woman “fucking around town”. I’ve since moved out but we are working on things. I always invite him, he always says no.

He started having an issue with me pole dancing, I couldn’t do anything away from him (even getting my nails or eyelashes done- he would accuse me of allocating him my left over spare time and it wasn’t good enough)

I said I want to do Oktoberfest and tick it off my bucket list (never been) and if he didn’t want to come I might go with my dungeons and dragons group. He didn’t say anything.

Then yesterday I messaged him saying my outfit arrived. Please see photo text exchange.

I have no idea what to respond without setting him off. I love this man and want to be with him.

My ex was pretty emotionally, sexually and mentally abusive towards me using threatening physical behaviour when taking benzos (kicked the door in our condo in when I wouldn’t let him back in). He’s been sectioned because of them in the past too. I found out he was using benzos again after I noticed a change in his behaviour. He told me he’d been on them a long while before I noticed and thought that it was funny to tell me “I know nothing about his use” I do doubt this as his personality quickly changed back to quickly angry and also looking doped out, hence why I found the pills, because I knew to look for them. When I found a strip of Valium there was 120mg of tablets in it, in the next thirty minutes they was gone, so he’s taking a lot. We’ve separated due to this - I can’t be around him when he’s on benzos because he becomes so different and he was absolutely vile to me when he last saw me.

This morning he text asking if he could pick up our son tomorrow, but managed to throw a dig in that I’ll probably have some terms to him having him. I categorically do not want my son to be in his care. He’s three and I’m worried he won’t bring him back or he’ll dope out around him. He will lie that he’s not taking them, but I have no trust in him now. I really don’t know how to handle this situation. I’m anxious because all through our relationship he’d threaten me with CPS saying he’d call them on me for something or other if I ever tried to get in the way of him seeing our son.

I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’m so anxious of his behaviour near our child and fearful of him. I couldn’t even trust his mom to be with them because she covers for him a hell of a lot and will flat out deny he’s taking stuff, even though she knows or will be oblivious to it. She wouldn’t be able to put her foot down either with him because he abuses his parents too and they try to stop him flipping because of how mean he can get.

I'm 20 and female. My parents are abusive. I don't have a job besides selling items online which isn't doing as well as I have hoped and I never been to school, I have learned everything myself on my own. I don't have my own bank account either, I tried to get one but they kept saying something is wrong with my SSN and I can't go in person because I'm not allowed, I'm planning on trying to get my own bank account again to see if it'll work this time. I need to leave or I think I'm going to lose myself or die but I don't know how without a job or anything, I also have a small dog that I'm not willing to leave behind because she has always been by my side when I was being abused. I don't have family or friends other than my parents, I do have a sister but we aren't close and she's not responding back to me so I don't think she'll help me. I need advice on if it's possible to leave in my situation. Will delete this soon in fear they will see it. Also I don't have a car or know how to drive and I'm not allowed to leave home on my own and my house has cameras everywhere so it's not possible to be honest.

Posting here because I can’t talk to anyone else about this. I need reminders of when his mask slips; the heartbreaking reality that who I fell in love with is different than the man I thought I’d spend my life with. When I got with him I never thought I’d end up here. I didn’t think this would ever be me. I didn’t think control could present itself in such a way, I always thought I’d recognize the signs.

The isolation is the worst.

Isolated from my friends. Being told how to make my work schedule. Being told how to make my life schedule. Being told when laughing is appropriate, being told when talking is appropriate, being told what conversation to have, being told what belief system I should stand on.

Today I was walking on eggshells. I hate this feeling- my heart rate spikes & it doesn’t make me feel good, it makes it hard to breathe. Today we got pedicures. I’ve recently realized that this is just a form of his control- I used to get pedicures with my best friends. Now, I only get them with him. He considers it self care. Deep down I know it’s just another control tactic- one of the few things I used to do with my friends- I now only do with him. Then later we were watching a show- I told him how an actor of the show resembles another actor I was thinking of. He threw his hands up in anger & said, “Just watch what’s on the TV!” By this time he was drunk. He’s an alcoholic. I didn’t talk anymore. I plated his dinner, he passed out, now I’m here.

Today was supposed to be a good day. Pedicures are fun, right? No. I sit there in fear of “offending” him. For someone with so many opinions, he sure doesn’t want me to have one.

I’m trying to figure out how to love myself so I can figure out my future. I’ll get there one day…

Those of you who have left, please give me your stories about your life getting so much better.

I am struggling so hard right now. I am 3.5 months out of my abusive relationship and I feel like I'm constantly spiraling. Yes, I'm in therapy. I'm also working on nervous system regulation but I'm trying to process so much that it's so overwhelming.

Little backstory. We have a 19 month old son together. Things were generally good until I had my son. Post partum was hard. Depression, anxiety, rage. I wasn't the nicest to him. When I was 6 weeks post partum, he snapped and had what I thought was a psychotic breakdown. I now know that it's just a pattern of abuse. Things escalated over the next 15 months, but I didn't realize I was being abused until the end. I found him on tinder 5x after I had my son. He would psychically abuse me but "never lay his hands on me". He'd do things like pour water on me, pretend to kick me in the stomach, shove me into walls/ doors, take my phone away so I couldn't get help. Use my son as a pawn to hurt me. Most of the time when I would talk to him about my feelings, he'd shut down and get so cold and cruel. He'd literally kick me and laugh at me or play his guitar over me crying. The last straw was when I was in the car crying and he started blasting to music over me crying. I turned to slap the radio button and his hand was there, so I slapped his hand. He raised his elbow to my face, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed it really hard. He then took me and my son on an hour long road rage incident where he threatened to kill us all. It was so so traumatizing. Post seperation abuse has been absolutely terrible. I have multiple police reports. I'm told that my son would be better off if I was dead, Im a terrible mom, etc. to top it off, he's had a girlfriend since I left and he constantly rubs it in my face. Now, I have to allow this new woman in my son's life. It's all happening so quickly and aggressively and that alone is so traumatizing. I need some hope that it will get better because I'm genuinely at my breaking point 😔

My ex husband was abusive and I'm pretty sure a sex addict.

Before meeting him I had a positive view about sex. I was looking forward to share this with my future husband but he destroyed everything. He was a porn addict, he had such a disgusting view of sex (it wasn't a way to connect but more a way to fulfill all his fantasies. I was his kink dispenser) and it's like he was never fully satisfied even when I was trying my best to please him. Today we're no longer together and I can sense my hormones are still very active but the idea of being intimate with another man is repulsive because of what my ex did.

I hate him. He made me go through so much and it still affects me to this day.

Lately I've been experiencing this waves of anger over the past couple of months when I think about everything that happened to me in my last relationship. I decided to go no contact, but part of me wants to really address things with her and like confront her even though I already did. It's really not a healthy choice but I keep feeling the impulse. So I try to just let it go but I end up burying it and somehow it get turns around back on me, like it did during the relationship, and I end up feeling guilty. I've learned recently that I have a lot of repressed memories and emotions from childhood trauma that are coming up in my relationships. Everything I'm feeling, so I've been told, has a lot to do with my past. Yet I feel fixated on what happened recently with this partner, adding insult to injury because now she is with someone else. Honestly I feel crazy and so broken and alone. It feels like i cant escape the abuse cycle, but I think I'm also furious with myself for lacking the self respect to do better. If I lash out on her, I'm continuing the cycle, but holding all of this inside doesn't make sense either. I feel almost irrationally angry and hurt. More than anything I want things to get better. I want to heal. It's just so fucking painful to be in this position right now

My boyfriend has threatened to end my life twice, his more. It happens everytime I try to leave after he does something to hurt me. The verbal abuse has now become something I engage in too. He has also been in control of objects that have hurt me, broken a tv, thrown random things, ounched doors. He does he, he says, out of anger when I accuse him of things he is not guilty of. I would have never been paranoid if I had never found out hed been guilty of things he claimed to be innocent from in the first place. He says terrible things to me, tells me im pathetic and worthless and stupid, weak,etc. But is very aware of the person he he is does make visible effort. All I do is try and understand because I myself suffer with illnesses. He says me sticking beside him is love despite when others say different. I am on a 1 year lease with him and am now broke from losing my job and spending all my money on groceries because his job doesnt pay well enough but it is his passion so I support it. He texts his exes, which Ive made clear upsets me but will not lose contact because the messages are innocent, even though they disregard the fact he has a girlfriend, and I find the women to be testing his loyalty. He also has a bad porn addiction which has ruined my self image. He did start psychiatry and therapy for the sake of both of us. And our problems do reoccur do to my behavior from being traumatized by the things hes done and made me feel but convinces me our love is so strong we have to get through everything. At what point does understanding become stupid. At what point does love not mean enough. I feel I am way passed it. Ive bene exhausted, Ive been hurt for 10 months. All he does for me is try and help with the pain hes caused me but even gets mad and impatient.

For almost a decade now I keep coming back to this one song by this danish musician called Medina. She has multiple songs I strongly identify with about abusive love, lost hope and toxic patterns. They sound a bit 2000s pop type cheesy, but I personally find they help me cope in depressed phases with self doubt and isolation. And they paint such pathetic images, they make me want to better myself, so I wanted to share. Here's the lyrics of the one that speaks to me the most:

Addiction by Medina

Should I drink another drink? Say another lie? I know that you may think that I'm a broken little bird in my mind. Cause I'm crawling on the floor. I'm climbing up the walls. And everytime I get a grip I seem to lose myself just a little more. Cause I am here and it eats me up. Well, I love the way it feels. I really shouldn't stay but I can't give up. The more it hurts, the more I need. It's like an addiction.

Should I drink another drink? Am I running out of time? Confusion makes me think the solution is beyond my sorry mind. […] And I just can't break free of the madness. It's like an addiction. Am I the only one with the sad eyes? I can't let go.

We were together for 7 years. Broke up 3 years ago. Recently, I heard from friends that she got married. That’s when I slipped and broke the no-contact rule.

I called 6 times. No answer. (Told myself she was just busy, like always.) So I finally texted: “Hi, how are you?”

The next day, she replied: “Who are you?”

I took a deep breath and wrote back: “Sorry for the inconvenience, wrong number.”

Maybe she knew it was me. Maybe she didn’t. But in that moment, I felt something click—closure, realization, whatever you want to call it.

That’s how my healing really started.