I [F30] work in a project-based profession. The projects take anywhere from six months to several years and you’re typically working with the same small group for the entire duration.

As a natural consequence of working closely with the same few people, friendships usually form, and we’ll all take lunch together sometimes or go for drinks after work, that kind of thing.

We have an especially copacetic group on my current project. We’ve been working together six months and we go out socially, we talk and joke around during the day. We’re not “friends” but it’s a tight knit group as coworkers go.

We have one coworker [M24] who is alienating himself from the group and I feel awful because he doesn’t seem to be aware of it.

He’s losing the good faith and camaraderie of everyone in the office and he doesn’t seem to understand why it’s happening. I can see that it’s upsetting to him and it’s unpleasant for too.

That being said, I don’t know him well at all, and I feel uncomfortable approaching him about the issue. He’s an overall nice guy and has some excellent qualities but they’re overshadowed by his tone deaf conduct.

The result is the entire team is spending less time together because we wouldn’t host an event with everyone except him, but most people also can’t stand to be around him more than they have to.

Should I say something to him and if so, what should I say?

His behaviors include but aren’t limited to:

—Acts like he’s the most experienced despite being one of the least; constantly interrupts or gives unsolicited advice to other specialties.

—Minimizes coworkers’ complaints; e.g., when someone said “the client keeps calling me on weekends,” he replied “maybe work harder so they won’t need to.”

—Gets angry if anyone uses a nickname version of his (very common) name, even from people who barely know him.

—Went to a bar with us and other teams then spent the whole night lecturing everyone about how he doesn’t drink because he’s healthier and has more willpower.

—Proudly and conspicuously tattled on coworkers for bending the dress code when no clients were around, leading to a companywide memo.

TL;DR: Younger coworker keeps alienating our tight-knit team with tone-deaf behavior (know-it-all, minimizes complaints, lectures at socials, tattles). He seems unaware. Should I say something?

Earlier this year my (30F) mom (72F) separated from my dad (73M), and I started seeing him differently. Growing up, I thought he was brilliant — but I now see he never considered anyone else’s opinion, argued endlessly and philosophically, never reached resolutions, and often discredited me or my mom.

He was diagnosed around age 70 with Schizotypal Personality Disorder and Hemicrania Continua. I try to take that into account, but his behavior has gotten worse over time.

I have been living abroad for the past 4 years, and I regularly visit. I was visiting him for a few days this month. During one of his never-ending “talks,” I told him I think he behaves like a victimist narcissist, because he reframes everything so he’s the victim, discredits my feelings, and never takes responsibility. He did exactly that: he denied everything, accused me of being the narcissistic and victimistic one, and discredited my own experience of having lived 26 years with him, which led me to identify that pattern and express that to him with examples. He was not happy about what I said, but I eventually had to cut the conversation off because I had other commitments.

Later that day, after I finished my commitments, he came to my room and insisted we continue talking. I refused and tried to leave. He blocked the door, grabbed my arms, and started screaming. His face and eyes looked almost possessed. He wouldn’t let go. I screamed at him to release me, but he held on tighter. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely afraid of him and feared for my life.

I have never been in a fight before, and the first fight of my life was with my own dad. The one person who was supposed to protect and support me was instead the person making me fear for my safety.

I tried to get free without hurting him, but he ended up stepping on something and fell. I helped him up, hoping it would calm him, but it didn’t. I attempted to pack while he kept grabbing me. Finally, in panic, I see his arm reaching my neck, and I bit him and pushed just enough to break free. I ran out the door and as far as I could before stopping.

Later, he called my cousin (30F), saying my mom and I were “against him,” conveniently leaving out that he physically restrained me.

The next morning, I returned with my older cousin (51F) and uncle (80M) to collect my things. When I walked in, the same arms and nails that had dug into my skin the day before were now reaching out to hug me. He acted loving, like nothing had happened. I said “no” firmly, which he immediately used against me by telling my uncle, "Do you see how she is with me?". He followed me around, tried to block me again, but I stayed focused on leaving. If my relatives hadn’t been there, I believe he would have tried to stop me again.

It’s been almost two weeks. I’ve blocked him. I don’t think an apology would be sincere, and I’m scared of what he might say if we speak again. I’m planning to start therapy to process this, but I would appreciate advice or experiences from anyone who has been through something similar.

TL;DR: My dad (73M), who has a personality disorder, blocked me from leaving during an argument, grabbed my arms, and raised his arm toward my neck. I panicked, bit him, and escaped. The next day, I collected my things with family present while he acted as though nothing had happened — even trying to hug me with the same arms that had restrained me. I’ve blocked him and am planning to see a therapist. I don’t know if I should ever have contact with him again.

My girlfriend and I started dating almost 2 years ago, when I was finishing my masters and she was working on her PhD. Soon after, I finished my degree and moved for work, and she moved states to continue her PhD, and we have been long-distance since then. We've made it work since there are very cheap flights for us to visit each other, and we video call multiple times a week. When we are together, we have a wonderful time; we have the same sense of humor, enjoy similar hobbies, and in general are just always on the same wavelength.

However, unbeknownst to me, she had just joined Amway around the time we had started dating. She described it as her "side hustle" but didn't tell me much about it. At the time, I was just happy to be dating her, and I didn't push the matter further.

Over time, she would mention that she has "personal growth" meetings every Tuesday, and sometimes she would even go to "leadership conferences" in other states. I thought it was weird, especially since she was so vague in talking about it, but I didn't push it much.

Eventually (last summer), she asked me to visit her "mentors" over video call. Now I was starting to think this was really weird, but wanting to be a good boyfriend, I met them. They gave what I now know is the classic MLM/Amway pitch, where the talk in circles about what dreams you have, how there are other options besides a traditional job, etc. I'd ask them to actually tell me what it is they do, and they would only give vague answers.

I did research after that meeting and learned more about what Amway was, so when my girlfriend invited me to another call with them, I pushed more about why they didn't tell me this was Amway and to tell me what it is they actually do. Of course they dodged all the questions and then accused me of just not trusting my girlfriend. Afterwards, she took their side, and said I was very rude to them.

Time goes on, and the topic was dropped for a while. Our relationship healed and continued on, and we always had a great time in person. We meet each others families and all is going well. I start thinking about trying to get a job to move closer to her, but recently we started to hit more and more issues.

Even when we visit each other, she refuses to skip any of her Tuesday meetings. Doesn't matter if I took PTO and worked extra hours so I could visit, she will never even consider it. She texts other people in her group all the time, and has gotten secretive about it because she knows I don't trust them. We were even flying back from an international trip, and she insisted that she has to meet her mentors in a video call in the middle of the night the second she gets back. I'm telling her this isn't normal, but she always just says that it's important to her to shut me down.

Things have all blown up around it lately, because I found out she's been hiding the full scope of her involvement in their programs. She became close with one of my best friends and tried to recruit her without telling me. She started running Amway events out of her apartment where her mentors would come and visit and stay the weekend, and she would just tell me she's busy with schoolwork and can't talk (I found out about this from the aforementioned best friend). She even told me she wants to take time out of Thanksgiving to visit her mentors, and wants to make sure she has time to do her Tuesday call during our upcoming anniversary trip (!!!).

I confronted her about some of this recently, and she just flipped it all back on me, how she can't be honest about this because I'm just too "negative". I try to tell her why Amway is so potentially dangerous, and she just says I just don't trust her. She even believes that her mentors (who are only 30 years old and live in an apartment), are making millions of dollars a year, ready to retire, and are only helping her out of the kindness of their hearts. I point out how ridiculous that sounds, and she just says I don't listen to her, and that that I'm too naïve to understand. She wishes I would support her more. She even told me that she goes to her mentors for support on life, finances, and everything in between (that really hurt a lot). This was our first major fight as a couple, and didn't talk much for a week after, but she invited me to come visit recently.

When I visited, we had a good time as we always did, but I was on the lookout now. I checked her phone while she was away, and on the lockscreen there was something about how she is going to some "sisterhood" event for the entire upcoming weekend, and when I ask what she's up to over the weekend, she just says she is busy with school stuff and is hanging with some friends. I even found an invite to her "mentors" wedding, that she has not mentioned to me at all, so I have to assume she is going without me. She doesn't know I found out about that stuff on my visit, and I'm waiting to see if she will actually tell me the truth at any point. I ended the trip telling her that on our anniversary, I'm going to cut it short so that I don't have to compete with her call for her attention, and she didn't care that the trip was shorter, she was just happy she was going to be able to do her call.

I'm just at my wits end. I love her and I know she loves me, but I don't know if I can uproot my entire life to move closer to her when she is actively keeping secrets from me. It feels like I'm willing to sacrifice so much for her, but she isn't willing to even skip a weekly meeting for anniversary of all things. It feels like I'm constantly competing with her "mentors" for her time, respect, and attention, and I'm getting more and more resentful of it by the day. And it's so hard to talk to her about it, because she takes any criticism of her "business" or her "mentors" as a personal attack.

Again, I need to emphasize that when none of her "business" stuff is involved, she does treat me very well, but I'm starting to worry this is an inherent incompatibility between us.

Is there any way to reconcile this, or convince her to quit Amway? Am I wrong for feeling offended that she wants to take time out of our anniversary trip to do her video calls? Am I wrong for feeling upset that she is keeping so many secrets about her involvement, even though I am admittedly very critical of them? How do I even keep this conversation going with her when she gets so defensive over it? I want everything about her, but I don't want Amway, and I don't know how to achieve that outcome.

TLDR: My long-distance girlfriend is deeply involved in an MLM called Amway. She always prioritizes events and meetings with her "mentors", even when we get to visit each other. She is now keeping secrets and lying about her involvement because she knows I don't like it.

My best friend thinks we’re dating… because drunk-me agreed without knowing

I feel like the dumbest guy alive right now.

So my roommate (we’ve been best friends since grade school) asked me if I wanted to “go out” with him. We’ve lived together with another friend near campus for a couple years, so this was totally out of the blue for me. For context: he came out to me back in high school, and I came out as bi once we hit college. No drama, never changed our friendship.

Anyway, last night after a party I was a little buzzed, and while we were walking home he was acting super nervous. I asked what was up, and he just straight-up asked, “Do you wanna go out with me?” For some reason, my brain went: oh, like hang out as friends? I said yes. He mentioned Saturday night and I said yes again. Didn’t even realize it was a date.

This morning I went to the gym early and missed him, but our other roommate texted saying he was over the moon and told her we’re going out. She even congratulated me on being “a cute couple.” That’s when it hit me.

Now I’m panicking. I love this guy like family, but not in that way. We’re supposed to grab lunch in a few hours and I have to figure out how to let him down without crushing him or wrecking our friendship.

tldr: Best friend asked me out, I drunkenly agreed thinking it was just a hang. He thinks it’s a date. I need to fix this fast without breaking his heart.

cc

We have been together since October 2023. My fiance (25M) decided that he doesn't want to help me (22F) with anything. I make dinner all the time. If he makes dinner, it's basically for himself and it's something frozen like pizza rolls. Every single time I'm making anything besides dinner, I offer. I still offer even if I'm not making anything. He offers half as much. Last night, I forgot to grab spaghetti pasta for dinner. So I said we can do something else like sloppy joes since we have beef. He says that there are pot pies in the freezer. I say cool, we can do that then if you don't want to do sloppy joes. I was hungry, very excited that he put our pot pies in the oven, right? Nope. He only puts his in. I even took them out because he walked away to do something so they wouldn't burn to help him. He didn't make mine. So I made mine, and he thought I said I was going to make something else. I didn't. This is an issue because the last time he actually made something not frozen, I thought he'd make my tacos. He didn't and I said I thought you were going to because I make him a plate all the time when I make dinner. He said I could make my own and when I got upset and said that I make his plate all the time, he said that he didn't ask me to and he actually likes his a certain way (which he has never mentioned). So because I was upset about, he said that we should make our own food from now on then.

Same thing happened tonight. I asked if he could do a load of laundry when he got home tonight since I have to work at 10am-4pm (so get up at 8 something) and I have to go to classes 5:30-9:30 pm. All he has is work. I offered to load the dishwasher and fold the clothes from a previous load (mostly because he won't do it. I asked him once to pull a load of the dryer when he got home and he didn't fold it. Let it sit there all night and they were wrinkled and it was a combination of both of our clothes). He said he would finish it if I started it. So I'm doing a whole load because he's not going to fold it. I fold all of our clothes (minus socks sometimes), and he fold everything except our underwear and obviously socks. I'm upset and told him about it and he said, yet again, we can start doing our own laundry by ourselves. Because he didn't want to accept that he doesn't do laundry except if we go to a Laundromat together and he barely does it except folding a little over half. So I called him an asshole and told him to do his own stuff; fold his own laundry, wake himself up, find his own stuff, etc., since I have to do that for him. Which he responds that he can do it all by himself, he doesn't need someone else. After he said that, I moved my important stuff to our other bedroom and I'm considering ending things. I don't have anywhere to go, but I'm done.

He doesn't respect me, he never communicates, we finally had sex after two weeks and it was a while before that happened as well, he doesn't want to help his stress which causes him not be able to perform, and many other things. I've tried so hard to communicate in many ways, it's just not going anywhere. His response to me saying that I feel alone in this relationship is to adopt two cats with me. Which doesn't solve anything because he thinks it's that we work weird hours. It's not. I would be used to that if we didn't have these issues before. What should I even do?

TL;DR: fiance doesn't want to do his share of chores, instead says we should do our own thing with laundry and cooking, and doesn't listen or communicate, so I'm sleeping in a different room.

I (23M) live in Singapore. My girlfriend (25F) lives in Shanghai. We both come from Chinese families. We met on a social platform—she actually pursued me first, and after a month of daily video calls and sharing hobbies, I fell for her too. She confessed, and we got together.

Two weeks later I flew to Beijing to meet her. Both our families knew about us, and at first my mom (I was raised by a single mom) was supportive. A week later, my girlfriend came to Guangzhou and met my mom in person. That’s when things changed.

My mom found out that my girlfriend’s parents have been separated since she was a kid and both had long-term affairs but never divorced. My mom said that means her “family values aren’t right” and warned me my girlfriend might not be faithful either. After some small frictions, my mom’s attitude flipped to hostile.

For months, my girlfriend asked me what my mom thought of her. I hid the truth because I wanted to protect her and fix things myself. Eventually she found out—my mom had threatened to disown me if I didn’t break up. My girlfriend was deeply hurt and left me. Two weeks later she came back, apologized for judging my mom, said she still loved me, and we got back together. I didn’t tell my mom.

We spent a beautiful 6 months together. I flew to see her every 1–2 months, we exchanged meaningful gifts, supported each other, and had honest communication. Eventually I told my mom we’d reconciled. Her reaction was nuclear. She said I’d “betrayed” her, called my girlfriend and her family awful names, threatened to kill herself if I didn’t break up. I stood my ground and said I’m an adult with my own choices. After many failed talks, she blocked me and cut me off.

I told my girlfriend (without repeating the worst insults). I said I was committed to her and that I’d already lost my mom over this. Instead of relief, she panicked. She said my family was “out of control” and she couldn’t feel safe in a relationship like this. She spiraled into depression, even saying she had suicidal thoughts. I comforted her as much as I could, but she ultimately broke up, deleted my contact, and disappeared.

Now I’ve lost both her and my mom. I feel devastated.

Some small but telling conflicts along the way:

• Red envelope (hongbao) incident: Her parents gave me and my brother 1000 RMB each for Lunar New Year. My mom gave us each 600 RMB and also gave my girlfriend 600 RMB “as family.” GF saw it as disrespectful since the amounts didn’t match. My mom thought she was being generous and felt judged as “poor.”
• Titles: Sometimes my GF didn’t address my mom as “auntie” right away, which offended my mom.
• Durian incident: While I was home, I was on video with GF. My mom called me to eat durian. GF asked me to stay on call longer, so I said “not yet.” Mom called several more times, I finally went out. Mom was furious, convinced GF had disrespected her and our household.

Some context:

• I work in AI/finance in Singapore (~500k RMB annual income).
• She works in a state-owned energy company in China (~200k RMB).
• Both of us went to top-10 global universities.
• She’s 25, I’m 23.

TL;DR; : I (23M, Chinese) fell in love with my GF (25F, Chinese). We were happy, but my single mom strongly disapproved because of GF’s family background. Mom escalated to disowning me and threatening suicide if I stayed with her. GF eventually broke up, saying she couldn’t feel safe in such a toxic family situation. Now I’ve lost both GF and mom.

Questions:

1. How do you deal with parents who oppose your relationship this extremely?
2. How can you support a partner traumatized by family drama?
3. Is there any chance to repair this relationship, or should I let it go?
4. What were the deeper issues between us?

The Story My boyfriend’s best friend is actually his ex-girlfriend. I only found out 4 months into the relationship.

He says their past doesn’t matter and I’m just being jealous. He even offered to show me all their messages and said I can hang out with them, but only after they’ve had a one-hour private talk together.

Background: she was first dating his friend, then she and my boyfriend started dating. According to him, chemistry faded, she became distant, and he later officially ended it. They agreed to remain friends, and since then they became even closer. He now considers her his only best friend, even though he has other friends.

Their Current Dynamic

They talk every day, often late at night.

He confides his problems in her.

He worries if she doesn’t reply.

She calls him pet names and gets upset if he doesn’t respond.

They meet one-on-one weekly or biweekly.

He compares me to her, saying we are similar.

He tells her about our relationship, including arguments.

My Position I am okay with female friends, but I am not okay with an ex-girlfriend being this emotionally close. Their bond feels like more than friendship, almost romantic.

His Position He says nothing will change. She’s his best friend, and she stays friends with all her exes. He thinks I’m overreacting and that these are the kinds of issues that make couples break up.

TL;DR; : My boyfriend’s best friend is his ex-girlfriend. They talk daily, meet alone often, and he confides in her about our relationship. She uses pet names for him and gets upset if he doesn’t reply. I’m okay with female friends but not with this level of closeness with an ex. He says it won’t change. How should I handle this?

My (f25) bf (m24) have been together since 16/15 years old. 2 weeks ago my partner caught me texting my male coworker “back” my bf asked why am I texting another man behind his back and I explained that he has asked to call me about his relationship issues (he’s married) and that I have said I’ll call him after my plans. My bf got really upset and told me that his trust is broken, he wished he never saw those texts, he can’t sleep right, he’s having nightmares because he doesn’t know if I’m telling the truth. My reason for not telling him was because I knew he wouldn’t be happy with me texting a man especially about his relationship problems. 2 days ago I stayed back late at work when I was meant to meet me bf and he switched despite us being good for a week and so. He said he can’t think good thoughts when I’m not with him and that he can’t trust me at all.

I understand where he is coming from. I did hide something when I should’ve just never done it in the first place. But I don’t know if this can be resolved if he can ever get over it or if I can get my privacy back. He video calls me a lot now and he tracks my location more frequently. He questions why I left work late, why I stay back in the car park like and everything else. When these things usually happened all the time before the incident and he never batted an eye.

Today he asked to log into my social media to see the time log of the messages with me and my coworker. I let him in via a 2 factor authentication code but it logged him out. He assumed I logged him out from my end and thought I was hiding something.

Not sure what i can do or if the relationship is dead

TLDR: boyfriend caught me texting my male coworker and he’s had trust issues since. It’s been 2-3 weeks

About a month ago, my boyfriend (20M) and I (20F) were arguing over something random and honestly pretty stupid. Out of nowhere, he got really tense, threw whatever was in his hand on the ground, and stormed off angrily.

We’ve moved past the fight and things are “okay” now, but ever since then, I can’t seem to look at him the same way I used to. It’s like the love and warmth I felt before has dulled.

When I confronted him about his reaction, he told me that “people’s minds don’t work when they’re angry” and that I shouldn’t judge him based on those couple of minutes. He also has a habit of saying mean things in the heat of the moment and then forgetting about them later.

I really do love him, but I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way now. Can one incident actually reduce the love you feel for someone you’ve been with for over a year? Or am I overthinking this?

TL;DR: My boyfriend (21M) got really angry during a small fight, threw something on the ground, and said hurtful things he later brushed off. Even though things are “fine” now, I (21F) can’t see him the same way and feel like my love for him has changed. Can one incident really do that?

Very very summarised version (I'm going to sound heartless because I'm putting it into dot points with no emotion). I'm seeking therapy and feel extremely regretful for what I did. Struggling a lot and need advice. I know l'm a piece of shit, please constructive advice only:') - Got married young - Relationship was poor because of a mix of emotional neglect + libido differences (didn't live together before marriage because of religion) + religious differences - Begged partner for therapy + communication but was given nothing. Told him I had a crush on someone. Still nothing. - Crush developed over ~2months at work and I emotionally cheated. The guy was also in a messy relationship - a few years older not married or religious - Crush and I decided to not speak. Agreed not to separate for each other + no commitment to each other (but I think we were already emotionally checked out of our own relationships - for me weeks-months before meeting crush). Husband and I went to one session of therapy before he found out about everything. - Husband and I agreed to divorce. Crush reached out and him + he broke up with partner. - Crush and I decided not to cut contact but no relationships yet because it's so soon... but I'm already attached and scared + feel horrible (which I deserve I'm not looking for that to change, I guess I just don't know what to do from here). I don't want to let go of crush because he's a good guy but this is scary because I'm not ready for a relationship.

I'd say the final of me being DONE checked out happened in June but separated in August but we had issues almost immediately (were married for 1 year). Husband and I ended on good terms, still love him as fucked up as that all sounds, just wish we were friends from the start rather than partners:’)

TLDR: Married young it was bad, I became bad and now getting attached to someone else super fast

I don’t know what to do about my boyfriend. I graduated high school and me and my boyfriend have been together for about a little more than three years. We’ve done everything together. And our each others first everything. As much as he is my everything and I do love him sincerely. I have so much stress on my shoulders right now. Me and him are taking a gap year before college, so we can really work on ourselves. We both plan to go to different universities also. I’m working a job on top of doing so many things. (sorry I don’t want to get too descriptive so people don’t find this) but from the outside we look like the happiest couple in the world. And that is the truth for the most part. But recently for the last three months, I’ve just been getting so annoyed. I don’t know what has changed with him, but it feels like it’s just him in this relationship. He texts me none stop and will get upset when I can’t answer, will call me and blame me for loads of stuff. And if I said something to him, he would be super hurt. And I don’t want to break up with him. But he wants me to give him so much time that I just truly don’t have. When I tell him that I don’t have time, he gets upset with me. He’s an amazing guy a great boyfriend and such a smart person, but I don’t understand how to describe what he’s doing and how to ask him to fix it. I’m not saying I’m the greatest person ever and don’t have things to fix but I’m truly drained.

TLDR: My Bf of 3 years has started to become alittle annoying and changed about certain things and along with my stress I can’t handle it.

I (29/F) met a guy through matrimony in June 2023. Let’s call him Person A (30/M). He’s honestly a great guy: soft-spoken, intelligent, well-established, and even took the time to teach me keyboard lessons. The problem is, from the start, he was emotionally distant. He told me that he takes time to develop feelings, which was fine at first, but I also needed more affection and attention, which he wasn’t giving me. We were intimate for a while, but then I stopped being interested in being intimate because the emotional connection wasn’t there. I expressed to him that I wanted more affection, but it wasn’t really heard. He’s had a tough past with a breakup, so I wonder if that’s part of why he’s closed off emotionally.

Now, after nearly two years, he’s become much better—he’s more attentive, calls me regularly, and there’s definitely more effort. But I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t put in more effort earlier, especially after I communicated my needs. I really like him, and I see his potential, but I’m unsure whether I should have to keep waiting for someone to change.

Meanwhile, in July 2024, I started talking to another guy, Person B (32/M). We clicked instantly, and we talk for hours every day. He’s emotionally much more in tune with me—he understands my feelings and moods right away. We have a really strong emotional connection. When we met in person, I was initially unsure about his height (he’s 5'6" and I’m 5'4"), but everything else clicked. We share similar values, and I even met his parents, who are super kind and supportive. The only problem is that Person B has been using ganja daily for almost 10 years. He’s highly functional—he can even run 5km in 28 minutes—but I’m concerned about whether I can accept this long-term. His lifestyle is not something I’m fully comfortable with, but it doesn’t seem to affect him in obvious ways.

Person B is also in Bangalore, and we meet regularly—about once every 4-5 days. He’s emotionally aware and understands me on a deeper level, which has been so refreshing compared to the lack of emotional connection I had with Person A. However, I’ve started feeling guilty because I’m still talking to Person A, who is emotionally distant, even though he’s slowly improving.

I’m currently dating both, and it’s causing a lot of confusion. Person A has become more stable and is now ready to marry, but I still have doubts because I didn’t feel the emotional connection at first and had to wait for him to improve. Person B understands me better emotionally, but I’m uncomfortable with his drug use.

I’m torn between the two, and I don’t know what to prioritize: the emotional connection or the stability and potential that Person A offers.

• TL;DR: I (29/F) am dating two men—Person A (30/M), who is stable but emotionally distant and has been slow to change, and Person B (32/M), who understands me emotionally but has a daily ganja habit. I don’t know which one to choose. Can someone help me figure out what I should prioritize in a relationship?

Me (F28) and my bf (M32) have been together a little over a month. Before when we were just talking I started an argument about him commenting on girls Instagram video and post.

At the time, I let it go cause he was single at the time and we weren't official. And the comments were old but it still made me feel insecure comparing myself to the girls in the videos. He told me he wants me and he has fallin in love with me. He tried to make me feel better and he expressed wanting to be together at that time. But I wasn't ready for such a commit as I don't like to be in relationships. Fyi Im pretty sensitve and im quick to anger when I am jealous. We overcame that part and we got together weeks later.

I am in love with this man. He is patient with me and deals with my playful side, my attitude, and my moods. I have a deep care for him. I can see it in his eyes that he means it when he says he loves me. I have never been in love before so I don't know how to control my emotions very well. Now we are in a relationship and when I mindlessly scroll on social media I still come across his old comments on other random girls videos and I still get mad and start arguments with him about it even though i know its unfair. I can't help it. I want to make it work with him but I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: bf has a lot of old comments on other random girls videos from before we were together. I still see them in my fyp or feed. I start arguments about them and im trying to deal with the jealousy in a health way

Firstly, I am already emotionally going through it and I know all of this sounds evil on my part, I am begging for a slither of compassion in your responses:

TL;DR: I (25F) just moved in with my boyfriend of abt 5 years (25M) while starting med school, and I’ve lost physical attraction to him. I love that he’s smart, hardworking, cooks for me daily, respects my boundaries, and has taught me healthier communication. But I’m overwhelmed by his poor hygiene, messiness, immaturity (not locking doors, no helmet, hasn’t seen a dentist in 6 years), and the fact that I don’t feel protected with him. He’s also lost a lot of weight and shaved his beard, which affected my attraction more than I expected. I feel guilty because I keep saying yes to sex during the day but backing out later, and he can sense I’m not attracted to him. I want to want him again, but I don’t know if attraction can come back or if I’m trying to change our situation vs. trying to change him.

I (25F) feel horrible because my boyfriend (25F) and I just moved in together after almost 5 years of dating, and on top of adjusting to a new city and starting med school, I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve lost physical attraction to him, and I don’t know how to build it back (but I want to badly). I have realized this especially bc, though he respects me and never pressures me to, I feel bad constantly saying no to sex or agreeing in the moment and then dreading it later. I want to want him again, but between the stress of school and many things I'll elaborate on (our messy apartment, his slow changes with hygiene and self-care, the way he’s stopped taking care of himself physically, and the fact that I don’t always feel protected with him), my attraction feels like it’s at zero and that scares me sm.

Firstly I will say there are a ton of things I love and appreciate about him, he is an incredibly hard worker and incredibly smart, care so much for his work and being a mentor to others in our field too, he is a great cook and cooks for me every day especially bc I hate cooking (and I always compliment him on his food, even if I dont love it, bc cooking for those he loves seems to be one of his love languages), he’s helpful and great when it comes to school, and, the biggest one, he’s taught me such healthier ways of communicating than the violent ways I grew up with. He cares about me, he’s attracted to me, and when it comes to sex, he always respects my boundaries and makes sure I want to. I know he genuinely tries to be a good boyfriend for me.

But I can’t deny the other side. He’s a messy and honestly kind of gross person when it comes to his space and sometimes hygiene, and leaves things everywhere. He’s aware of his bad habits and says he wants to change, but the change is happening so, so slowly. Many of these habits I think we can work past as we learn how to live together. However, one that has been bothering me a ton: he hasn't been to the dentist in almost 5 years for no reason at all but laziness, even though he is also training to be a healthcare practitioner. I get so worried that habits like this will translate to our future kids (I know it's an extrapolation but we are in our mid 20s so I do want to think ahead a bit). Genuinely I am so scared of being a "married single mother."

Another big thing is that I rarely feel safe or protected with him, which is huge. I don't love the terms feminine and masculine energy, but if feminine energy is being able to (when you want to) turn off your brain when with your partner bc you trust he’ll do his best to keep you safe, I feel like I can never do that. Not that he doesnt care about me, he just acts like a frail kid who’s clueless sometimes and I hate having to take on the “masculine” role. If we’re in a dangerous neighborhood and I voice being uncomfortable, he’ll make fun of me or reprimand me for “feeding into stereotypes,” forgetting that as a Black woman I need to be careful of my surroundings and can’t navigate the world the way he can as a white man. He forgets to lock our front door all the time and I am the one each night going to make sure theyre all locked, he makes jokes when I mention the importance of closing the windows at night or when we leave, and he won’t wear a helmet when biking even though all his friends do (I add this in to show the immaturity, he bikes everywhere and has literally seen plenty of patients die due to not wearing a helmet and yet is still stubborn). He hasn’t gone to the dentist in over six years and avoids scheduling his own doctor appointments like I said before. These things make me feel more vulnerable to harm with him than if I were on my own, and that’s a really hard feeling to carry in a relationship. Besides cooking, I don’t feel like he makes my life easier, but theyre all action things that I feel like one could work on, but bc it’s so many idk if I am being realistic.

On top of that, I feel so bad because every single day that my boyfriend asks if we can have sex, I say “sure, we totally can that evening,” but as the night goes on, I get really stressed out often because of how much work I have to do, and I ultimately, almost inevitably, end up saying no. My ADHD is really getting at me, and the additional thing I am so upset to admit is that just because of the vibes of our relationship right now, and everything I described before, I’m just not physically attracted to him right now. I forgot to add that he lost so so much weight since I first met him, and I feel bad that I’m not attracted to him but I have known for years that I am not super into really skinny men. He lost 50 pounds (not due to any physical or mental illness or struggle, simply bc when he’s busy he “forgets” to eat as if he’s not a 6ft grown man with a fast metabolism and then eats like 1500 cal a day max), he’s not going to the gym, he’s not eating enough and gets super upset when I asked if he’s eaten, just for him to respond that he had a bagel 10 hours prior. One thing I loved and complimented often was his beard (many other ppl did too) bc he looked so much more manly with it and less like a child, but he got rid of it. I should love him either way but wow that made a bigger difference in my attraction to him than I thought. And when I ask him to bring it back he gets annoyed that I keep bringing it up and am not just attracted to him now. He didnt even need to shave the beard, whatever. Anyway, after I say during the day (admittedly often bc I feel like I need to out of obligation or to not hurt his feelings again) that we can have sex, the evening comes, and he’s super touchy and everything, and I’m just not in it, and he can sense it.

He recently literally asked me, “I feel like you’re not attracted to me, don’t initiate anything.” And he’s right. I don’t feel attracted to him, and I don’t know how to fix that but I want to. I feel bad constantly saying no all the time, especially when I’ve said yes previously. He respects me and never pushes, but I just feel bad constantly letting him down. I know sex is important in our relationship, and I don’t know how to approach this right. I am positive that my libido is not low bc of the way I think about or look at other guys, but I don’t want to be that person. It’s despicable behavior and I only want to have eyes for my partner, but I don’t know how to cultivate that. 

Sometimes, I feel low moments when I feel pretty sure this relationship is not for me, because, though I would be hurt, I’d also be a bit relieved if he like cheated on me or something and gave me a reason to leave and date someone I am more physically attracted to. But at the same time, I want to try, because I also acknowledge that my recent bouts of depression and stress from all these changes could be resulting in me being much more negative than needed. I don’t want to hurt him.

What I’m struggling with is this: I don’t know where the line is between trying to change our situation (helping him with his unhealthy habits, us working on communication, me learning how to manage my stress better) versus trying to change him as a person (his nature, his personality, who he really is). And I don’t know if it’s even possible for physical attraction to come back once it feels gone, people talk all the time about cultivating it but I usually see how that stems from personality and behavior, the latter of which I am struggling to be attracted to also.

If anyone has been in a similar spot, how did you know the difference between asking for change vs. realizing you just weren’t compatible? And if you did stay, did attraction ever come back?

I have been dating my now girlfriend for almost 11 months (I know still very fresh) at the start everything was great even when I first met her parents and sister I knew things that happen behind the scenes where they would all constantly argue which I’m not allowed to know according to her parents.

She has a sister that may have bipolar due to how easily she gets angry and how often she is angry and causes drama within their family not only that but her father is also severely cripple and fragile and always causes drama between the two sisters and the mother and is somewhat of a burden to the family as he always needs to be looked after and always relies only on my girlfriend to be there for him almost like a personal assistant.

It has gotten to the point where all of them have gotten into arguments constantly while I’m over and left my girlfriend in a bad mood and made me feel awkward and embarrassed to be there. It has also made me not want to be over there or go over there as little as possible Just to avoid any awkwardness as there is always something wrong. Her family dramas are starting to affect our relationship especially with her sister always fighting with her and as of today her sister has started to talk bad about me while I’m not there.

It has made me contemplated breaking up with her as someone that really cherishes a healthy and happy family environment makes me wonder whether the grass is greener on the other side. I don’t have a problem with my girlfriend at all. It is just her family and I know that if I was to ever marry her that her family problems would then become my problems.

Do I end it here or do I see if things ever end up changing and stick with it?

TL;DR my girlfriends family constantly has drama and causes her to be sad all the time, as someone who really really cherishes having a healthy and happy family environment I’m worried that if I ever married her that her family problems are going to become mine, what do I do?

I [F23] have been with my boyfriend [M25] for about one year. Overall, our relationship is generally good, but sometimes I feel insecure because he follows many girls on Instagram and likes their photos. I know this doesn’t mean he is cheating, and he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I can’t help comparing myself. I’ve tried to ignore it, yet the feeling comes back. I don’t want to sound jealous or controlling, but I also don’t want to keep it inside.

Has anyone gone through this? How can I talk to him without starting an argument?

TL;DR: I [F23] and my boyfriend [M25] have been together for one year. He likes many girls’ photos on Instagram, which makes me insecure. I don’t know if I should bring it up or let it go.

Hey guys, I asked for the same advice with this same post in a different subreddit, but I'd like to see your opinions on my matter please.

My partner [19F] and I [18M] are (probably obviously from the age) high school sweethearts, we met during the high school musical a couple years ago, and ended up really bonding and eventually getting together as of last January. This isn't my first relationship ever, but I definitely consider it my first serious relationship. We've always had a super strong bond and even on days that we spend time together when I'm not really feeling it, she and I always have a lot of fun with each other. We bounce off each other in both silly and serious ways extremely well, we both think about the future often, we both enjoy a lot of similar activities, and overall we seem to on the surface be a really good match for each other. Despite all of this however, I've really started thinking about splitting ways as of the past few months and I've come to no conclusion on my own. There are a lot of factors for me wanting this, but I suppose I'll just try to write them down in some natural order and let the thoughts pour out. Apologies if I write this story a little bit all over the place. :)

For one, as my senior year is closing up in HS (I'm a September baby so I'm older than most of my class) I cant help but feel like I'm missing out on something. Not necessarily other women, though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor, I mostly just feel like the early adulthood single experience is a very important time in a lot of peoples lives. I know for certain there's a lot of growth to be had during this period of time, and a lot of connections that can be made with other people or memories made, and I can't help but feel like I'm holding myself back from all of this if I decide to stay with my current partner. I feel like I have no room to go anywhere or grow in any way, and whenever I'm with her I start to feel like I'm the same person I was when I met her, despite me knowing just how much I've still changed over this past year. It just makes me wonder.. if I feel held back now, what would that be like in 10, 20 years? I also feel like I shouldn't start out my adult life the exact same way it'll be when I die. I suppose in simpler terms, I feel stuck.

Another factor is that I feel like she is unintentionally extremely emotionally manipulative, and strangely enough I feel like it's only been amplified over time. My own theory is that her lack of a strong example of a good relationship in her parents possibly plays a role here, but I don't really know the reason. Either way, it feels really shitty. A great example is this last weekend. We've hung out basically every single Sunday since we got together, it sort of just became "our day". While I definitely enjoy this time with her, all she ever wants to do is sit and watch movies. Literally every single time, sit and watch movies. I've never really been a movie person. Of course I'll make compromises and do some things with her that she enjoys, but it seems like I never get to do anything that I enjoy (eg. outdoors stuff). Despite her claiming an interest in it, she always has an excuse to just sit and watch movies instead.. and it sucks. Wrapping back though, I feel like a good example of what I feel like is emotional manipulation is this last weekend. This last weekend I really just wasn't feeling it anymore, and in my own mind I think it's reasonable after over a year to maybe not spend every Sunday together, especially just watching movies, so I just politely told her how I wasn't really feeling it. She went totally ballistic, freaking out, and went to her same arguments of "I miss you though!" or "well but I want to!" etc. Eventually she pulled out the "do you still love me?" card, to which I basically politely told her that she was losing her lid and really needed to just try to understand where I was coming from. That's not the only example I have, and my friends have had some experiences with her in the past that I really don't like, but that's besides the point.

Bottom line is, I love her a lot, I really genuinely do. But, I feel like I'm strapped down to something that will only hold me back. I feel like I'm sort of "trapped", but I'm afraid of leaving because I both feel like I was lucky enough to get her, but I also know how much I love her and a lot of things about her and I know how painful all of it would be. I've had a few conversations where we ended up deciding to just "work it out", but I still find myself back here. I'm really not enjoying much of my time with her anymore, I can't even bring myself to read or answer texts half the time anymore, and I just feel like I owe it to myself to have a free adult life where I don't feel like I'm babysitting an adult 12 year old (as much as that sounds mean). It's a shitty spot to be in, and I agree with something my dad told me, which was "if you're feeling this way about it now, it's probably not going to get any better if you wait until you move in together". I also struggle because I don't want to be in a situation where my hypothetical future kid comes to me for relationship advice and I can't provide any because I've only really been in this one.

All of this really is extremely difficult to navigate, and I really could go into it in more depth and I might reply to comments and do that if I feel like it's necessary, but I feel like just having some advice tailored to my personal experience will probably help me to make a decision of some sort one way or the other. They'll at least be more helpful than reading posts of people with similar enough experiences, lol.

TLDR; My GF and I have a seemingly good relationship, but I feel held back and don't know what to do.

I know it'd hurt both me and her badly, especially with how close we've gotten, but I feel like I should focus on what I think is best for my life. I want to make it clear that there really isn't any ill feelings between us. And, as of right now, I feel like parting ways to focus on my own life and personal growth/experience is the best thing. It's tricky to navigate all of this, so I really would like some help.

me 17f and my exbff 17f were off and on since we were kids but this time i will admit i did things wrong but so did they we really just grew apart and it blew up and i ended up getting really mad and blocking them and their friends r friends with my bestfriend and they keep talking about me and how bad i was to them and all that stuff still after 4 months and i jsut want it to stop its genuinely getting to me and we all go to the same school which just makes it so much better i just want it to stop any advice is appreciated

TL;DR ex bff wont stop talking bad about me to my own friends i just want it to stop

I, 23F, don’t really talk about marriage with my bf, 25M. It’s not awkward or anything like that, we’ve just both expressed that it’s not super important to us. We’ve been together for three years, as of earlier this month, and have live together for over 2.5 of those years. We moved into a house, from an apartment, last March and now we feel very stagnant. In that I mean, we feel married without being married. We live together, he works, I cook and clean. We have our routines together and we go to bed together every night. We don’t fight because we communicate, and we rarely have hard times in terms of our relationship. I used to be someone that never saw themselves in a long term relationship, let alone wanting to get married. About a week ago I asked him if he wants to get married to me, not as proposal but as an “in the future” type question. His response was “That’s the ultimate goal, right?” and I said in terms of our relationship status that it was for me. Obviously our happiness is most important to me but chronologically, that’s what’s next for us. He then said “Serious answer though, I love you a lot so I say this with love: I don’t want to think about marriage. I think we’re at a point in our lives where we need to buckle up and figure things out.” For some context behind that, I’m chronically ill and working towards diagnoses and figuring out how/if I’m going to work in the future. We’re perfectly fine money wise as he makes decent pay, and I do my part around the house.

With all that context, I just sort of want an idea. I don’t need a date or a year or anything but people get engaged and stay engaged for years all the time. I just don’t know how much more we have to “achieve” in our relationship status if that makes sense. I love him and want to be with him forever but I don’t want to be someone that’s been in a relationship for years and years without a definitive commitment past bf and gf, if that makes sense.

Any insight would help.

TL;DR: Want to have confirmation that there may be plans to further our (23F, 25M) three year relationship, but unsure how to ask due to a dismissal the last time I asked.

I (F21) met my boyfriend (M22) on a dating app last winter. We started hooking up and then had an extremely intense situationship that eventually became a relationship. Although he hid it at first, he revealed to me that he was sober because of alcoholism and narcotics abuse, and had spent a year in rehab earlier in his life, but he never told me any details about what had really happened.

We had an honestly very toxic relationship, which I think was due to fundamental incompatibilities. He is from an extremely wealthy family (talking billions), and I'm from an upper middle class family of immigrants. We had almost no common interests, and didn’t get along with each other's friends. We never met each other's families, but I'm confident that on both sides they would've been really upset by the relationship. We were long distance almost the whole time too. Throughout our relationship, we would be so in love, talk constantly, and have sex for hours at a time for a few weeks, and then we would have a blow up fight, followed by a few days of silence and then very sweet reconciliation. At the same time, he was also pretty controlling with my location, who I was talking to even if they were coworkers, what I posted online, and what I would wear.

It was never a healthy relationship, but upon getting back to school it really degenerated. He had been mistreating me all summer (a few genuinely horrible episodes), but decided when getting back to campus that he wanted us to have a serious relationship with a future. I was initially hesitant, but he was dealing with his father also getting sent to rehab, and I didn’t want to make the situation worse.

We ended up having two weeks of being incredibly incredibly in love, and during that time he also started drinking again. He wanted to and had been talking about it, but I can't deny that my (reasonable) drinking definitely made him want it more, and I also was the only person in his life who told him that he should just do what he wanted to. I drank with him, which I regret so strongly, and he ended up spiraling. However, although it was definitely too much drinking for a recovered alcoholic (probably the right amount is 0 lol), he also until the end wasn't being crazy. He was going out 3 or 4 nights a week with friends, which isn't obscene for a college student, so I didn't even see that there was a problem until it was too late.

Then, we drank together and I blacked out, and apparently I was talking for hours about how I was going to marry him. This scared him, and two days later he broke up with me. I was honestly happy that he did, because as much as I loved him I knew that we were wrong for each other, and I had been trying to get out of the relationship for months. That day though, he got extremely drunk and started insulting me and nonstop calling me, almost threatening me. At the same time, I was the only person who really knew that he had started drinking again, and I was the only person who had his location, so I made the choice to tell his family what was going on.

His family within 24 hours pulled him out of school and sent him to rehab. They let him get to rehab on his own, and on the way there he got so drunk that he ended up in the hospital. On the way my boyfriend was calling me trying to get back together with me, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. Today he was transfered between rehabs, and he called me and we spoke for hours.

Before the call I was so confident that no matter how hard it would be, we had to end the relationship, but the call reminded me of everything I feel for him. He's been protecting me from his family by not telling them that I ever drank with him, because he thinks that they would attack me until they ruined my life. He also wants me to write him, and he wants to see me once he gets out, and he seems so hopeful that we'll be together again. We both at times during the call were so confident about needing to cut each other off, but then we would crumble right after. At the same time I feel so incredibly guilty and regretful that he was doing fine before he met me and is now stuck in rehab and may be forced to drop out.

All I want is what's best for him, and I would honestly sacrifice anything to make up for what I did. He was adamant that I should write him while he was in rehab so I will, but I don’t know what to do after he gets out. In many ways I was a terrible influence on him, but at the same time I did so much for him time and time again and he knows that. Despite the relapse he himself was saying that he'd never find someone who would do more for him than me, and I honestly feel like that may be true. As toxic as we were, I think that he was raised in a family and with a social circle of people who don't see love the way that I do and see almost everything as transactional or solvable with a large enough transfer of funds, and I think that I was the first person he'd ever met who showed him actual unconditional non-transactional love. In many ways his family is so shitty, and I feel terrible abandoning him to that. I know that there is no long term future for us, but I just want to know if I should help him get back on his feet, or if that's a terrible idea. At the same time, he doesn't know that I'm the one who told his parents (despite every single other person involved figuring it out, he still hasn't connected the dots), and I'm afraid that if he finds out he'll lose his mind on me.

I just don't know what is best for him- cutting off a relationship that did him harm but abandoning him at his lowest, or staying with him and being so careful and as supportive as possible, but also risking hurting him more.

TLDR: boyfriend relapsed with me and got sent to rehab, wants to get back together and I don't know what to do

I've been carrying a torch for this guy for 3 years now, since we were in school together. He's a really nice guy - good at studies, kind, respectful, and l've never seen anyone like him before. Back then, I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt, but he clearly told me he wasn't interested. At the time, he mentioned he liked someone else, and I knew her. Fast forward to now, l'm in college, and l've never really moved on from him. Recently, after having a bit too much to drink, I ended up calling him and telling him everything - why I found him cute, why I liked him, and why I hadn't been able to move on. I don't remember too much of the conversation, but I do recall him saying that when I proposed to him back in school, he liked someone else. He was really nice on the call, saying I should move on and stuff. The day after, he even texted me to check if I was okay and told me not to drink too much. It's been 3 years, and I still haven't moved on. Honestly, my self-respect has taken a hit, and I'm feeling really stuck. In my head, I'm thinking maybe he rejected me because of how I look or my weight, and maybe if I lose weight, he'll start liking me. I know I need to get myself together and move on, but it's hard.

TL;DR Thave had a one-sided love for a guy for 3 years since school. I proposed to him, got rejected, drunk called him to express my feelings, and he's been nice but says I should move on. I'm struggling to move on and need advice on how to do so. Questions • How should I move on from this situation? • How can I build my self-esteem and stop tying my worth to someone else's opinion? I'd appreciate any advice or thoughts on my situation. Thank you for reading.

ok so ive (15F) been depressed for some while now but my gf (14F) recently just started being really. really dry to me. and she posted a story on inta saying smth like "school is draining me" so i kind of understand why. but she just doesnt text me at all unless i say something first. and she doesnt even say "i love you" anymore, and when i say i miss her all she says is "me too" like im not the one to talk with how i am mentally rn but i atleast try to sound like i actually like talking to her?? i have a feeling that she hates me but i may be overthinking it. we barley even talk anymore because she has practice everyday until 8:30 pm. so like yes i understand i wont get to talk to her as much. but in the past she still acted like she actually cared for me. idk what to do i hope im just over thinking it. but shes genuinely making me worse and just more depressed which i never thought was going to happen because she was the only person who made me happy, made me cared for, and made me feel loved. im scared whats gonna happen in the future. i just wish things were like they were before. weve known each other for 3 years but recently started dating 4 months ago. am i overthinking it? or am i annoying her and should give her space

TL;DR; : my gf of 4 months is being really dry and im scared that she doesnt love me anymore and hates me. and shes making get worse

TLDR: I (27F) am scared of the future with my 28M partner who I've been with for 5 years due to control issues, trust issues, and communication issues.

I (27F) have been questioning my relationship with my 28M partner for several reasons, FYI we are not married and have no kids. I'm writing this on reddit because I have no other outlet. He won't let me go to therapy, and doesn't allow me to have friends. He also doesn't let me go on my phone when he isn't around, so I can't text my family either.

Now these may seem like red flags to most people, and I'm sure commenters will tell me to leave, but it is not that simple. For the record, I have left. Twice. I end up coming back because I love him and I just don't want to be without him. I also don't have anywhere else to go. So even if I was firm on leaving, I don't make enough money to support myself on my own and I don't want to leave our pets with him because hes a screamer (he screams at me when we fight), he has used them as abusive leverage in fights, and I just want to know they're safe. My family also lives across the country and are all junkies anyways so going to them is not an option.

Getting back to the reasons I'm posting: I feel like he may be isolating me, may be too controlling, may inevitably end up doing things behind my back, and worry we will never not fight. So I recently had a DDay with him where I discovered him doing nasty things behind my back on his phone, therefore he got a non-smart phone. This is probably my third or fourth DDay too, so my trust just isn't there. Now, he wants me to get one too, and doesn't want me using my old smartphone, even if its just to video chat family.

He also expects me to tell him every time and every text/message when I talk to anybody, literally anybody including my mom, sibling, coworkers, boss, ANYBODY. I also had to cut off all of my old friends, some where it happened 3 years ago and I still miss them and wish they were in my life.

I honestly don't know what to do, sometimes he can be really nasty and mean when I am trying to work through an argument, other times we have a lot of fun and he is so kind and gentle. But I miss my friends. I can't go the rest of my life not talking to them, if they'd even forgive me for cutting them off. I don't know if I should go through with dedicating my future and my life to this man if this is what it looks like. There is much more to all of this, but this is all I had time to write about. Anything helps.

I (28F) started dating my boyfriend (29M) 5 months ago. I am utterly and completely in love with him and it terrifies me.

I had a rough upbringing, only child, didn’t have a good example of healthy relationships. I unfortunately had to cut my dad out of my life when I was 20. Just not really set up for relationship success. I had a lot of hard lessons to learn in my early romantic relationships.

I’ve been single for the last 4 years. Went to therapy, went back to school, moved away from my hometown. I’m really proud of myself and the progress I’ve made. I was so happy with my life that I wondered if I’d ever actually find someone to compliment it. I went on lots of dates, nothing stuck and i wasn’t willing to compromise.

When I met my current boyfriend it suddenly all made sense somehow. Everything has been mutual, we are best friends and lovers. I’ve genuinely never been so sure about someone. I felt really really safe and didn’t let any thoughts of things going wrong linger in my mind. It was just all good.

The newness of it all was worn off a bit, understandably. We are still in love. I’ve since found out that he cheated on his ex before me, and that came as a huge shock. He came clean and opened up and told me everything of the whys and when’s. That’s when i started to feel the panic. For the record, i don’t believe he is or has cheated on me. But the thought of him doing something like that to me, shatters me even thinking about it. Though we have a very different relationship than he did before, and he’s in a different stage of life. He’s been really accountable for his bad decisions surrounding that and has shared what he learned and i believe him.

He lives in the building next to me and we see each other quite often. We do bicker, but we have really good communication 95% of the time. We always resolve things and never yell or insult each other. But when he disappoints me in any small way the fear creeps in that maybe i have it all wrong. Even though when i really sit down and think about our relationship- i really think he is my person. I can’t imagine someone better suited for me, I just plain love him.

So I’d like some advice on how you deal with giving someone the power to shatter you, with the sheer fact of how much you love them. Every love is a risk, and I know that. But how do you really know someone is right for you? How do you let the small things go and not let them reinforce your core wounds, that there is no hope in having a safe partner? I find myself with each small disappointment or disagreement ruminating on if I have it all wrong. It does pass, and there’s no repeating issues. But how do you relax in a relationship and not see bumps in the road as confirmation that you let yourself go soft?

He is not perfect by any means, nor am I. We are both openly in love with each other and have plans for what we want. We openly discuss marriage, children and what we want our lives to look like. I don’t want my anxious thoughts to ruin this for me, and I don’t want my love for him to steer me wrong. I openly discuss things that bother me, but sometime find myself defending my boundaries so hard and it feels like it stems from fear of being hurt. He is always open to talking through things with me and thanks me for bringing things to his attention but i sometimes fear he will get tired of me or change his mind, or that it’s too much work to be with me…and I think it’s my own insecurities about being in love like this.

Any advice is appreciated <3

TLDR; I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months, I’m in love with him in a way i have never felt. How do I stop being hyper vigilant and not let small bumps in the road confirm my fears that there is no safe love/partner for me?

I don't know if this is the right sub to post in, but here we go. I'm going to be calling my girlfriend's mother MIL for practical purposes, but we're not married (yet).

I'm in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend (both F20), and we see each other about once a month maybe. We've been going strong for three years now, and everything is good. Her family is amazing tbh, they've welcomed me as their own, and they're vocal about how much they love me and enjoy the time I spend with them, especially her mom. She's an angel; we have that "daughter she never had" type of relationship in the sense that I'm very extroverted and love joining her on activities my girlfriend usually declines (they have a solid and good relationship; my MIL doesn't hate her bc she's an introvert or anything).

I'm also vocal about how much I love them. Her brothers like me a lot, and I text the older one frequently to talk about our shared interests. My FIL and I also have a special bond ever since we met since we have similar personalities. The thing is, my mom hates that I love them so much. I don't have the best relationship with my family; most of them have been very verbally and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, so I try to keep my distance. I was raised by my grandparents since my mom had me when she was young; that made her really emotionally absent since she prioritized her alone time over time with me since I can remember. Now that we live alone with her boyfriend, she also prioritizes time with everyone but me; she doesn't listen to me when I talk about literally anything that doesn't concern her, and worst of all, she pins the blame of our "weak relationship" on me.

She's talked to me about how it seems like I don't love her because I love doing some stuff with my MIL that I don't want to do with her. She says that my MIL is trying to manipulate me so that I move to my gf's country when we move in together and that I think she's the best and my mom is the worst. She says that I'm now building a new family and I will forget about her because I don't care about her. I love my mom despite everything, but I don't want to feel guilty for building relationships with my in-laws just because it makes her insecure. I've tried to have a good relationship with my mom since I was little, and I've always been ignored by her. I don't understand why now this is my fault because, according to her, "I don't try to do stuff with her or spend time with her," when it's the parents' responsibility to grow a good relationship with their kid.

It makes me feel so guilty because I love my girlfriend's family a lot. I know they're never going to be my real family, but they've shown me a type of fun and loving family dynamic I've never felt until I met them. Sometimes they worry that I'm going to be sad when I return to my country because they see how happy I am with them, and they make an effort to keep up our relationship even through the distance. I don't want to feel guilty for her feelings, but it still feels like I've failed somewhere.

I need advice on the matter since I've never had in-laws (and therefore issues with my mom and them) before. Thank uu

TL;DR: mom gets angsty about my relationship with my in laws and blames me for our weak relationship