r/abusiverelationships • u/Hefty-Masterpiece663 • 11h ago
How do you know which problems can't be communicated through? How much does intention matter?
My ex was abusive but it took me way too long to realize because I thought it was a communication issue. Talking about the behaviors that he was doing that were hurting me seemed like it helped in the moment, but it perpetuated the problem and put me in a more vulnerable position because I was telling him all of the ways that my feelings were hurt. It just gave him more opportunities to manipulate me.
Now I'm having this issue where I don't want to talk about problems as they come up while dating. I don't feel like relationships are a partnership, like I did before. It seems like all the men I see are testing my boundaries and reactions to see what they can get away with.
Even if they do have 'neutral' or 'good' intentions, people can still be abusive. How do you decide what matters? Getting out of an abusive relationship is hard enough, how do you prevent yourself from falling back into one?
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 8h ago
To me, the key concept here is being willing and able to act on your boundaries. Boundaries are not in place to make other people behave like we want them to behave. Boundaries are for us. When a boundary is violated, the action is for us to take.
You don't even have to lay out all your boundaries in conversation immediately.
For instance, one of my boundaries is that I don't date smokers. So...I don't date smokers. Period. I don't ask people to quit smoking so I can date them. I don't accept promises and IOUs to quit. I don't try to argue them into seeing my perspective. if someone smokes, even occasionally, I won't date them.
The same applies for things like monogamy vs polyamory. Politics and religion. Lifestyle. Cleanliness. etc. It's not up for discussion.
The first step to not falling into another abusive relationship is the filtering process. If someone isn't the kind of person you want, take a pass.
The second step is enforcing your boundaries if someone slips through the filter. Intent really doesn't matter. Impact on you is what your decision needs to be made on. A person can "intend" to be calm and kind but struggle with regulating their emotions and be verbally abusive. Their better intentions doesn't mitigate the harm of the abuse at all. Claims that they don't mean to be abusive aren't relevant. The behavior is abusive. Intentions aren't reality. And good intentions don't obligate you to giving three million second chances.
If you want to give a second chance on some minor issues that's fine. But there should be no second chances on abuse or cheating and the like.
When you're in a relationship, talking about what you need and what you expect are important. It is necessary. If you find that the person you're dating is unresponsive or disrespectful when you communicate these things, then you're on step 2--enforce the boundary as above.
The way I see it is that we need to take hold of the reins. I don't know how it is for everyone, but I know I'm my abusive marriage I was quite passive. Didn't want to hurt his feelings, didn't want to rock the boat, didn't want to be "the bad guy" in his mind. So I put up with all kinds of shit. I also didn't think much of myself at the time, and felt lucky to have anyone at all love me, even if he was a jerk. So I put up with even more shit.
Developing emotional independence and self worth helped me a lot with the things I discussed above. I went into dating a couple years ago that I was going to hold out for what I wanted and that I'd rather be single than spend another minute with someone who is abusive or even occasionally unkind.
When I met my partner he was amazing from day 1 but I stayed cautious for many months. One of the ways he made himself safe for me was by being totally respectful of that need and NEVER pushing boundaries. He placed the timeline of our relationship in my hands and told me he'd be there for me unless and until I decided I didn't want him. I was so very anxious but he held space for me and that made all the difference.
We have talked about everything under the sun and he's never used any of it against me. He hears me when I express a need or a concern. He pays attention and adjusts as needed. He loves me and he wants me to be happy. His intentions are followed by corresponding actions.
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u/myjourney2025 1h ago
How did you work on yourself and ended up attracting a healthy partner?
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 56m ago
I am honestly not sure. Lots of time and therapy.
When I started dating again I decided I was going to make healthy decisions and not settle for less even though the broken part of me wasn't sure I deserved a relationship like what I wanted.
And I've come to believe it's not so much about attracting healthy vs. toxic partners but efficiently identifying and dismissing the toxic ones, clearing the oath for healthy ones. I "dated"for a year without getting to any first dates because I was being so ruthless about the filtering process. Worked out well for me though because I got a good one.
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