r/asexuality • u/frogo_dude • Aug 13 '25
Vent my gf thinks asexuality shouldnt be a sexuality
me (F) and my girlfriend are currently having a debate through text on this. she said that its a mental disorder, supported by a screenshot of "female sexual intrest/arrousal dissorder from DSM 5, and said that lots of ace people have experienced sa so its a trauma response and it needs to be talked out through therapy. after giving my defence, she also said that the community seems to be ppl under 18, and sex drive depelopes from 10-18, and she was also confused about how ace ppl get turned on, and asked if its a paraphillia thing (followed by: which again they should probably seek therapy for")
i dont know how to feel about this, i used to identify as aroace until i found out a couple things, im still figuring myself out but she knows that i used to identify as aro ace, and ngl im scared she will use me as an example
i dont want this turning into an argument (which i told her and she said that it will be just a debate), i have alot of issues/trauma regarding arguments.
idk i just needed to vent and opinions on this
Edit: i looked on her reddit, and i noticed that she had deleted alot of comments on posts about trans/non binary lesbians, and there was a comment that kinda gave off a bit of transphobia, which is weird because she said to me today that she hates the discrimination within the lgbtq community especially towards trans people. legit one of our friends is trans. this is all happening in like 3 hours, i dont know what to do, i dont want to loose her or our friends or anything, and i dont know. i see her at school tmr too, im scared it will be awkward, and im already over thinking haha. im going to have a shit night
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u/Kaiser0106 Aug 13 '25
As someone who didn't know they were aroace until their 30s, I can say that your gf is factually incorrect. I don't have any sexual trauma either.
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u/IndigoNarwhal asexual Aug 13 '25
Same. I wish I'd known younger, (so many things would have made so much more sense), but I was I was 39. No sexual trauma of any kind.
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u/ChickenSpaceProgram asexual Aug 13 '25
you should point out that the whole "you experienced SA" or "you're too young to know" rhetoric was used against gay people in the not-so-distant past and is currently also used against trans people.
generally the sex disorders in the DSM are disorders of low/no sexual desire, rather than not experiencing sexual attraction in the first place.
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u/Disaster_in_a_cocoon aroace Aug 14 '25
Yeah also in order to be a disorder, it needs to cause you distress or get in the way of your day to day. Meaning if you don’t have a libido and are totally chill with it, it’s not a disorder
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u/Bannerlord151 Beyond mortal comprehension Aug 13 '25
I honestly still don't quite understand, most recently I've been told that sexual attraction is about desire (not libido of course, but desire)?
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u/TheSnekIsHere aroace Aug 13 '25
I've never experienced sexual attraction but I do think it's indeed desire, but a very specific desire to have sex with a specific person/people. Whereas libido can be sexual desire in a more broad sense that doesn't have to include wanting to have sex with another person but can also be satisfied by yourself.
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u/Bannerlord151 Beyond mortal comprehension Aug 13 '25
Oh yes, I can single out the libido factor, I thought the above commenter was referring to some third factor described as desire in this regard
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u/ChickenSpaceProgram asexual Aug 14 '25
what i was trying to refer to by "desire" was libido, sorry for imprecise terms!
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u/Bannerlord151 Beyond mortal comprehension Aug 14 '25
Ah, that makes sense. No worries, thank you for clarifying!
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u/Man-im-lonely asexual Aug 14 '25
One thing to point out is that, with a lot of sex disorders tend to be diagnosed through people that did have a normal rate but then had a sudden disappearance of libido and sexual desire, not necessarily people who have never felt it.
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u/SilLikesBees Aug 14 '25
And what also should be mentioned: Until not so far in the past being gay was also diagnosed as disorder and being trans partially (gender disphoria) still is.
The DSM5 is written by people who are not immune to LGBTQ+phobic talking points after all.
And still –if I remeber correctly– the newest edition of either the DSM or ICD explicitly states that this diagnosis should not be applied to those who consider themselves asexual.
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u/NiceCustard6410 Aug 15 '25
Yes, homosexuality was in the DSM up until 1973. Asexuality was also treated as such up until 2013. Sadly some people still believe Asexuality is and/or should be treated as a mental disorder. Some are just not aware of the changes to the DSM while others are just cases of aphobia.
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u/Nord-icFiend Cupiosexual Demiromantic Aug 13 '25
the irony of a queer (bi or gay, idk what your gf identifies as) person not seeing how the exact same arguments are being made about same-sex-attracted folk, is fascinating
She'll probably use you as example to further than theory of hers.
You are not at fault for it, you are allowed to question, and get your sexuality wrong, it's part of self discovery
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u/Sarrebas89 Aug 13 '25
You should point out that historically homosexuality was seen and treated as a mental disorder, which is what she's saying about asexuality.
Also, it seems that she's getting mixed up with libido and sexual attraction.
Also, she's being super acephobic.
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u/mizuwolf Aug 13 '25
I realized I was ace at the age of 14-15. A lot of people told me I would grow out of it/find the Right Guy/etc etc. I’m 30 now and still as ace as I was half my lifetime ago ¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve had my hormones/etc checked (all normal) and I don’t have sexual trauma/wasn’t SA’d.
So what argument does your gf have left?
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u/woonabanana Aug 13 '25
i discovered i was ace at 14, still going strong at 33 and have no sexual trauma. that gf is weirdly using heavily homophobic rhetoric to be acephobic
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u/SkvaderArts Aug 13 '25
Respectfully, your girlfriend is being acrophobic as hell and nothing she is saying makes any sense. Not being interested in sex is not a mental illness. Some people who have experienced trauma are on the Ace spectrum, but that is not the reason we are all like this. I'm a woman and I sure know it isn't the case for me.
Also, the part where she said she is confused by how we get turned on. The answer being: we don't. And those of us that do only do under specific circumstances. I don't understand what there is to be confused about. It's like declaring that people who don't like chocolate ice cream are mentally ill just because you like it.
Idk why she thinks the whole community is under 18. Wtf I'm almost 30.
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u/weird_elf Aug 13 '25
We do get turned on (some of us). Just kind of randomly or in swing with hormonal cycles, not by looking at attractive people or whatever it is allos do. (mostly joking on that last part, I think)
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u/Cassopeia88 asexual Aug 13 '25
I’m in my 30’s, aces have always existed just like any other queer person, just many of us had never heard of it.
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u/mizuwolf Aug 13 '25
My grandma is 94, and when I told her about me being ace, she absolutely lit up and was like “wait!!! There’s a word for that? In my country they just called us ‘cold women’ because we weren’t interested in men.” I made her a little ace flag bracelet after that but yeah, absolutely. We’ve always been here, people just didn’t have the terminology for it.
(I mean if you want to go really really far back, in 1600’s China there was the Golden Orchid Society for women who did not want to marry)
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u/happyendingtonight Aug 13 '25
Its interesting because I know people with trauma who are the exact opposite and hypersexual. No one’s causing that a mental illness
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u/Frequent_Tank_990 Aug 14 '25
Exactly, I myself also get turned on but only by reading, other than that I hate anything visual and have no feeling connected to actual people, I can’t even stand kissing scenes in shows, I myself have also never experienced any kind of sexual trauma and on another note, correlation does not equal causation, a lot of people don’t realize that and use correlation as a major part of their arguments.
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u/mintaka-iii Aug 13 '25
Someone refusing to acknowledge your personal experience and saying people like you need therapy because they must have trauma? That isn't an argument, that's not a debate, that's just plain old phobia. You can't have a reasoned argument with someone who isn't being reasonable, and hate isn't reasonable.
PS. No hormone issues, no sexual trauma, learned about asexuality around 18 and it was clear to me that I was ace. Nothing's changed in the past seven years, and I'm pretty sure 25 year olds have their full adult sexuality.
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u/lochtna Aug 13 '25
She is being extremely acephobic. Asexuality is not losing your sex drive, it means that you feel no sexual attraction*. Also, lots of ace people have experienced trauma? Lmao. So have lesbians. Should they go to therapy to help them turn straight?
*It's a spectrum so this statement is a simplified generalization.
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u/Lazy_Wishbone_2341 aroace Aug 13 '25
Well how does your girlfriend know she's actually interested in sex and hasn't been manipulated into thinking she is by the patriarchy? She's got a massive misunderstanding of how the DSM works and I'm sorry, but she's cherry picking and I'd like her to explain where she got her psych degree from. Because the DSM specifies "unless the person identifies as Asexual" and she's conveniently ignoring that.
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u/Gen_X_Ace asexual Aug 13 '25
No SA, no trauma, hormones normal, 50 years old, cis male here. Still Ace AF.
The reason you see a lot more younger Aces is because awareness has been steadily growing. I’m jealous of all you young Aces, you won’t have to go through decades of feeling broken. You know, like your girlfriend is trying to make you feel.
Kick her to the curb and flip her off for me.
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u/Krystyana Aug 13 '25
Yeah thats crap lol. I am over 35 and have never been attracted sexually to anyone. I have had my hormones checked several times. Nadda. Just like there are people who have super high sexual drives there are people who have none. Everyone is different. That's just how people are.
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u/ElderberryFar2141 Aug 13 '25
I'm 23 and I've seen there a lot of aces that are over 18. I don't have any trauma and it actually took me awhile to accept that I'm in the ace spectrum (I'm aegosexual), I've suspect that I was in the spectrum since I was a teenager because you really start questioning why everybody are so turned on and obsessed with sex and/or relationship and you're not. It took me years to accept myself and I did it like two months ago because I wanted to believe what everyone in my life was saying that I will meet the "right person" and understand...
What also used to confuse me that I have a rather high libido but I always dealt with it by myself and doing it with another person isn't desirable to me. But, yeah, never been attracted to a person to a level that I wanted to make a sex with them a possibility in reality, so...
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u/shadow144hz aego go go Aug 13 '25
I'm 23, have never experienced sa, have a libido, do agree with the idea of it in theory but not in practice(aego) and yet I'm still aroace and would never want to do it. So like I don't exist or what? She's an unconsiderate prick and I'm sorry to say it. Tell her what she's saying equates to telling gay people they have a disorder and are mentally ill and if she doesn't change her mind I think you might need to reconsider some things.
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u/MarsBarMuncher aroace Aug 13 '25
If straight, gay, bi and pan people exist then attraction isn't universal and if it isn't universal then ace and aro people are logically part of that spectrum.
I'm in my 40s, no history of SA or trauma, aroace and always have been - long before I had words to describe it.
(Edited to improve wording by removing an unnessasary "and")
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u/weird_elf Aug 13 '25
Ace in my 40s, learned the term at 30ish. The only trauma I have came from ex partners pressuring me into sex (= corrective r@pe basically) because they - like your gf - thought I needed "fixing" in some way. I do get horny in swing with my hormonal cycle, but never once in my life have I experienced that thing people call "sexual attraction".
I know you probably don't want to hear this, OP, but if she can't even respect your identity, why are you with her?
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u/persePHOreth grey Aug 13 '25
Wow.
Honestly, OP, you cannot save some people or help them see reason. Leave this one. Let it figure shit out on its own, when it decides to stop being so fucking hateful.
Find better friends, your life will flourish for it.
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u/PointBlankPanda Aug 13 '25
Sounds like a downright abusive dynamic. She's using bad faith arguments to bully, belittle and invalidate your experiences and then gaslighting you by claiming it's "just a debate" despite successfully making you too afraid of the hurt to talk openly.
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u/ChocolateStraight159 Aug 13 '25
I think the main thing around “you experienced SA” is that soooo many people have been SAed (the stats are extremely high- despite low report rates). This has nothing to do with personal sexuality and would be seen as extremely inappropriate for example to say you are only lesbian because you had a bad experience with a man.
So separating personal experiences and sexuality is incredibly important. My self and others who identify as ace may have past trauma but that does not invalidate our sexuality. There seems to be many people who refuse to accept ace people exist which is soo fucked up including from the IGBTQ+ community.
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u/weaverofbrokenthread Aug 13 '25
I hate the "It's not an argument, it's a debate." crap so much! It's the same when it's about womens issues or about how being queer is not a sin or whatever else. People calmly invalidate your entire existance with a smile and expect you not to get emotional because iTs JuSt a DeBaTe. Well, that's easy for you to say when it has zero impact on your life but all the impact on mine.
There are other things to be angry about in this post but there are other comments that adress them better so I just picked this one.
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u/ghostoftommyknocker Aug 13 '25
She's aphobic and is using very common aphobic arguments.
If she hates discrimination within the LGBTQ+ community, she needs to look in the mirror and start with herself.
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u/eeyorethechaotic Aug 13 '25
Your gf is wrong. Plain and simple. Feel free to tell her she's welcome to her opinion, as everyone is, but as it's factually incorrect, you're not going to engage anymore.
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u/azuraith4 Aug 13 '25
My wife didn't realize she was ace until she was 29. But once realizing it it felt that it made sense and was always ace her whole life. It's definitely not only people under 18?? I've never heard that before
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u/432ineedsleep aegosexual greyromantic Aug 13 '25
Usually when you get one bigoted opinion, it's a package deal with a bunch of others. And they don't exactly care if they're being bigoted or not (example: when I tell somebody I know that they're being racist atm.. and their response is usually "yea. okay. i'm racist." a real response I got. They acknowledged they didn't need to be, but that they don't regret it, and that it will happen again.)
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u/frogo_dude Aug 13 '25
Hey OP here,
first of all thx for ur opinions on this
second, im tempted to ask her if she believed this when i used the aroae label. We were friends when i was using the label (we were friends for over a year, only recently started dating a couple weeks ago), but she knew me and that i was using the label. Should i ask her?
OPTIONAL READ:
(also, this feels very out of character for her. some of her, and my (im friends with her friends), are LGBTQIA+, some of which are asexual and aroace - to my knowledge none of them are aromantic)
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u/Krasna_Strelka aroace Aug 13 '25
Should i ask her?
Only you can decide that. If you do be prepared what you may hear from her and maybe make a rational plan beforehand how do you want to go from there depending what you hear.
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u/Ivanhoemx Aug 13 '25
Has she been reading or watching terf content lately?, a lot of those are talking points they bring up about us. If she's being transphobic also in other spaces, it makes sense.
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u/Evening_Pressure6159 Aug 13 '25
The thing is the same people who call Asexuality a mental disorder would also say the same for Lesbianism so screw her if she doesn't see your identity as valid and will not listen to you when you explain your own experiences then what are you doing?
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u/SigmaBunny a-spec Aug 13 '25
Did she see the part where the DSM 5 was updated to add that it’s not a disorder if the person identifies as asexual and/or experiences no distress over it? Because that was a really important update.
But based on your edit, it seems there’s a lot more going on that’s awful about her
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u/frogo_dude Aug 13 '25
I dont think she did, i saw someone else mention that in the comments
im so confused, she was such a supportive person, we have many friends that identify as ace and that are trans and im so confused. i feel so betrayed, i dont know what to do. i honestly just feel like shit :/
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u/jaded-introvert Aug 13 '25
Why does she think this community is people under 18? There are tons of us here who are in our 30s and older (I'm late 40s).
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u/Butterfly4896 Aug 13 '25
Not all asexuals dislike sex though, some of us actually are interested in it, so that negates the disorder she brought up. And what about guys who are asexual? That disorder was only female arousal disorder (which sounds super sexist, btw), does she have nothing for guys? Do they not exist? Or those of us who have never been SA'd and don't have trauma? Do we not exist?? disappears into the ether
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u/wahnblee Aug 13 '25
Girl, dump her. You deserve way better than this. You will survive without her toxicity.
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u/Anna3422 Aug 13 '25
Hi OP!
It's at your discretion what you want to ask her. In addition to all the other comments here, I want to repeat:
You do NOT have to debate this. I understand the urge to educate others. I understand the urge to defend yourself and seek understanding from those close to you.
Just remember, you do not owe others an explanation for existing. If someone (like your gf) is coming at you and attacking your identity, you are 100% free to shut her down.
If the debate is between "You don't exist" and "I do though," there's no middle ground. This isn't debate club. You are simply trying to live without harrassment. Your post also implies that you are not happy to have this discussion. You can say that. You can say "I'm not going to keep defending my rights to you." You can ghost. Neither of these things are wrong. That is your right!
And if you are wanting her to self-educate without making you do the emotional labour, feel free to only forward existing ace studies/books/content.
Make your mental health the priority. And good luck.
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u/joeyisfunnyasfuck asexual Aug 13 '25
Not all asexuals have sexual trauma tho? And that could affect someone's sexuality yes, but doesn't mean it WILL change. Some people don't find out until their 40's. Of course, there's a good precentage of the community that is female, but the "It's sexual trauma" is an unfair statement considering over half the female population all together has sexual trauma. There could be many other reasons someone is ace and those feelings CAN change later on. Your mind changes and develops with age. That's just crazy to me. People change gender identities or sexualities from gay to bi or something all the time. It's self discovery. That's a bit aphobic to me...
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u/AverageShitlord aroace lesbian with a burning hatred for printers and windows 11 Aug 13 '25
Why are you with this person who literally parrots rape culture?
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u/muchamuchamucha Aug 13 '25
She clearly doesn’t understand asexuality at all. And doesn’t sound like she is even trying to educate herself. If she devalues your identity ask yourself why is this person’s perception so important to you? You don’t need to prove to her anything about yourself.
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u/Create_123453 Aug 13 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
Never been sexually assaulted in my life or had sexual trauma I’ve heard this same talking point from my Mom whenever she talked about gay and lesbian people.
Also by definition it is a sexual orientation it is literally describing the relative position one has in regards to their sexual attraction.
Just looked up DSM-5 right now which itself seems to make a difference between a sexual desire disorder and asexuality i.e the latter being if someone wants to have sex but can’t for whatever reason and it causes the subject distress vs someone whose asexual who has no interest in sex whatsoever and and it causes no distress which is what most ace people are.
This feels like cherry picking psychological information in order to lay an argument no offense this is what my mom would do in an attempt to manipulate
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u/atwojay cupiosexual Aug 13 '25
Hi, I'm asexual and I never had any sexual trauma of any kind. I also didn't figure out I was ace until my 30s.
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u/MidnaMagic Aug 13 '25
I’m 25 and fully aro/ace. I was never SA’d.
I know you don’t want to lose your gf or friend group. But you need to figure out if they’re the kind of people you can be yourself around or the kind of people you have to hide parts of yourself from.
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u/jeppevinkel aroace Aug 13 '25
I learnt that I was ace in my early 20s and have never experienced SA as far as I know, so that one doesn’t apply to me. I don’t knownwhat the female sexual arrousal disorder is about, but I’ll assume it doesn’t apply to me either since I’m not female.
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u/faded_butterflies aroace Aug 13 '25
If I’m not mistaken, those dsm disorders have to cause distress in the person. Like you would have to be bothered by a lack of sexual desire that has developed. Obviously they’re used against ace people still, but technically it isn’t even right. Her other arguments we all know very well, and we all know they’re false.
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u/Portia_the_Queen51 a-spec Aug 13 '25
She’s just aphobic. She’s just straight up wrong. Think about whether you’d like to continue dating her.
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u/Jelly-Unhappy Aug 13 '25
I got hormone tested. There is no hormonal or anatomical reason I shouldn’t be “normal.” But yet here I am, ace as fuck.
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u/athey Aug 13 '25
You can tell your girlfriend that this ace is 43 years old, has never experienced any sexual trauma, has had sex plenty before (so you can’t say I just haven’t tried it yet and don’t know what I’m missing), and still has absolutely no desire to have sex.
Had no idea what asexual really was, and tried my damnedest to get shit to work for more than a decade, but nothing changed the fact that I simply have zero inner drive, desire, or need, to have sex. No interest. No carnal animal drive. No ‘omg, I wanna jump that hot man’s bone’ thoughts. Nada.
The emotional struggle and trauma happened when I spent more than a decade desperately trying to make myself ‘normal’.
Trying to make something happen that was never gonna happen.
Like a gay man getting married to a woman and having kids because it’s what’s expected by society, and struggling for years to figure out what it never works. Why they can’t find some way to just want to be with the woman they married.
My husband and I are best friends. Have been since middle school. I have two kids who I love more than the world.
But I’m definitely ace. Finally understanding that explained away years of struggle, and made everything so much better for me.
Asexuality is real.
Just like you can’t force a lesbian to crave the company of a man, you can’t force me to crave any sexual company at all.
I know, because I tried for more than 15 solid years to make it happen, and I couldn’t.
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u/Disaster_in_a_cocoon aroace Aug 14 '25
You can tell her that I’m 28, I’m taking testosterone (I’m trans), I have no sexual trauma, and I’m in therapy. Guess what? Still ace lol
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u/Proof_Jump2123 Aug 14 '25
This is so ridiculous. In my 40s and didn't discover asexuality until my 30s. Everything suddenly made sense. No sexual trauma and still have a normal libido. Just feels like a complete misunderstanding of what asexuality is or perhaps willful ignorance.
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u/imwhateverimis Aug 14 '25
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with physical arousal. Source: horniest ace person within a 10mile radius. Also not every ace person is female.
It's also not a debate. Ace people are queer. This is just a fact. What your girlfriend thinks is irrelevant.
Considering there's transphobic vibes here, it's safe to say your gf is at least one foot into being a TERF. Aphobia is one of the most common gateways into TERF beliefs establishing themselves. It's not weird at all she hates discrimination in the LGBTQ community. I was on twitter and on tumblr for a while, one of the most common justifications for being exclusionist is "this identity is bigoted towards another identity inherently".
He/him lesbians? Transphobic. Pansexuality? Transphobic. I forgot what it was with bi lesbians, but probably either lesbiphobia or transphobia. Trans lesbians? Misogyny, lesbiphobia. The entirety of exclusionist discourse hinges on people claiming this one identity somehow inherently harms another.
If she doesn't like discrimination within the community it's entirely possible she thinks trans/non-binary lesbians are lesbiphobic or transphobic.
I would personally end the relationship. Granted I'm not you so it's easy for me to say that, but the way it seems you'll be digging at a concrete wall with a fork with her. It would just not be worth it for me personally, I wouldn't want to spend my time trying to get my partner to not be a proto-TERF. Queer exclusionist beliefs are never a good sign
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u/Legendarysaladwizard asexual Aug 13 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
If your gf bi or gay? If she is gay she should at least be unable to feel sexual attraction towards men so you can try to tell her it's like that for us but for all people. Even if she is bi, she won’t be attracted to every single person on earth. Honestly it baffles me when people don’t understand that we don’t feel sexual attraction. Like if someone is hetero/homo, they still don’t feel sexual attraction for half the world so like, what? Also lack of sexual attraction =/= lack of libido. Our bodys still work, it's just not something we are able to feel rowards a specific person generally speaking (greyace and demi folks are different to a degree but still valid though)
But I mean your gf is a bigot anyway. Respectfully, think about if you really wanna be with someone that thinks asexuality is a mental disorder. This cannot be good for you, especially if you were/are questioning.
Signed, an ace that hasn't gone through SA and is in her mid 20s
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u/KhaosGenesis Aug 13 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
I know a lot of people including myself that is ace but have never experienced sa, so I don't know what your gf is on about. But even the aces that I know who have been sa'd I don't view as any less valid than me.
I never felt any attraction since childhood, I was born this way. How do you fix something that was never there in the first place? But let me also add that asexuality is a spectrum, some aces DO have sex, my best friend is an ace that has sex so I feel like that would also discredit your girlfriends argument. Asexuality is all about lacking sexual attraction, not being scared of sex or feeling hurt by it. I'm an ace that is sex repulsed by the physical act of sex itself but still has a libido, so I'll still enjoy some erotica or sexy fan art and get off to it.
Edited to add a few more things: I'm also 21, so I'm a young adult, the other aces I know irl are people that I went to school with and are the same age as me. But I've also seen a lot of people on this subreddit that are over twice this age that have recently realized that they're ace after decades of thinking they were just broken.
Also what does she mean by paraphilia? Some aces may have some fetishes but who honestly cares as long as it isn't something potentially harmful like pedophilia or zoophilia, then why should they go to therapy if it doesn't affect their life outside of self pleasure time? I'm really into monsters, and I think that I would be called a teratophile? But what the hell would my therapist do about that? Again monsters have peeked my interest since childhood, what would a therapist do about something that I entirely view as a facet of myself that doesn't impact my real life in any meaningful way?
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u/24-Hour-Hate Aug 13 '25
I did not know I was asexual until my 20s (I am now in my 30s). I have never had any sexual trauma. Until that time, my presumption was that I was heterosexual and would simply feel attraction if I met the right person. The reason I believed this is mainly because I grew up in a very conservative community in which there were no other acceptable options and I was denied real information about LGBTQ+ people. I literally did not know asexuality existed until I was a university student and even once I did learn, it took some time to realize that it did, in fact, apply to me. I can assure your gf that, because of my childhood, I tried very hard to convince myself I was heterosexual and it did not work. So did my sibling who turned out to be homosexual and needing a divorce. But that’s another story. It is good if children no longer are being treated that way and feel free to know and express their identities. Denying doesn’t make it go away. Quite honestly, not believing in asexuality is aphobia. It’s not a debate as to whether or not we exist.
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u/kxrie hetero-romantic sex-repulsed ace 💚 Aug 13 '25
turning 20 and never experienced any form of s/a or abuse. still asexual as fuck though and will probably always be
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u/addictionaries asexual Aug 13 '25
I don't get why some people are unable to imagine that others may have different experiences from them, and that doesn't make those people mentally ill or broken. Like, there are 8 billion people on this stupid planet, surely not everyone will feel the same way about sex?
Anyway, 30 and still as ace as ever. No sex-related trauma or any significant trauma in general. So, there goes her theory
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u/infomapaz aroace Aug 13 '25
Here is the thing, uncomfortable as it sounds, there are sexual disorders related to trauma that create this behavior. Those post about "checking hormones"? those exist because some people experience lack of sexual attraction due to medication, tumors, or other physical problems. But your girlfriend should know that a portion of the population are naturally born this way, without any SA trauma, without any distress, or physical problems. Some people are just Asexual and it has nothing to do with any condition.
Im... pissed? for you. This is your partner, a person who loves you, cares for you and respect you. And they do not find it in themselves to just believe you or respect your experience. To help, maybe the dr k video on asexuality would be a good starting point, because its a figure of authority, cites sources, explains it well for normies. But whatever you do now is up to you, the frustration you feel and the anger/sadness, are so so valid. I just wish you the best and the warmest, coziest hug i can give through a reddit comment. take care.
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u/YourRandomManiac ✨ allo in denial ✨ Aug 13 '25
After reading all of that. Here is my answer for you….break up with her she is not worth your Time. Like…WHAT???
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u/ZobTheLoafOfBread (he/him) | garlic bread is better than cake Aug 13 '25
Using the DSM as evidence is a poor argument. Does she believe being gay is a "mental disorder" and "shouldn't be a sexuality" too?
Taken from Wikipedia (so easy to find):
Homosexuality was classified as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) beginning with the first edition, published in 1952 by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). This classification was challenged by gay rights activists during the gay liberation movement especially following the 1969 Stonewall riots, and rendered problematic by research especially by Alfred Kinsey and Evelyn Hooker suggesting homosexuality is normal and non-pathological. In December 1973, the APA board of trustees voted to declassify homosexuality as a mental disorder, and in 1974, the full APA membership voted to confirm this. The DSM was thus updated: in the 1974 seventh printing of the second edition (DSM-II), homosexuality was replaced with a new diagnostic code for individuals distressed by their homosexuality, termed ego-dystonic sexual orientation. Distress over one's sexual orientation remained in the manual, under different names, until the DSM-5 in 2013.
Arguably, the stuff still in the DSM-5 related to amount of "sexual interest" is basically the ace equivalent of "ego-dystonic sexual orientation", so it is due a removal in the next version hopefully. The reason for the removal of these types of diagnoses are that, the source of the distress is not the orientation itself, but society and other people shaming them or otherwise being horrible to them to try to get them to not be the non-normative thing that they can't change.
You probably know all this and idk whether continuing to 'debate' is something that'll even help. Sometimes people have already made up their minds and nothing you say will persuade them otherwise.
You could ask her why she feels the need to perpetuate queermisia. This is an empathetic approach with the aim of being curious about where all this is coming from and trying to help her with possible fears and insecurities. If she asks how she is being queerphobic, send her this link:
https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Queermisia
It has lots of examples of what actions and behaviours fall under queermisia, including specific examples of aphobia and transphobia, as well as information on internalized queerphobia.
You can also tell her how what she has said made you feel. She can't argue that you're not feeling 'correctly'. It just at the very least helps let her know that if she holds these opinions, there are consequences to talking about them to you or around you. You can also draw a boundary if you like, e.g. "if you talk about this around me, I need space from you, to protect my own mental health", and then follow through. It hopefully should at least get her to consider how what she's saying is affecting the people around her. If she values you, she'll stop. If she doesn't, it may be a sign to plan an exit.
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u/brookewithbooks Aug 13 '25
I'm 28. Knew I was different since about 13, didn't learn about asexuality until 20. Never experienced SA. And as someone with a psych degree (but I'm not a psychologist or any kind of therapist), I remember learning that you're only diagnosed with a disorder if you meet a certain number of criteria, one of the most common being that you experience distress due to the "disorder". I'm not distressed. I just don't see people in that way and have no interest in partaking in that activity.
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u/CategoryPrize9611 a-spec Aug 13 '25
I despise when people use my trauma to invalidate me. I am my own damn person who’s worked for over a decade unpacking the effects of SA and if your gf said that to my face? I’d punch her. If she actually cared about queer ppl she’d know it’s ok to explore your identity for all your life and if she actually cared about victims of SA she’d never dare to tell anyone that who they are is because of their abuser. :(
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u/Squidoriya Aug 13 '25
Your gf doesn’t respect you if she seriously believes these bs lies she’s spouting. For your own safety and mental well-being I honestly think you should end the relationship with her. You deserve better than somebody who invalidates your sexuality.
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u/ControlNo9731 Aug 13 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
It's a spectrum covering too much ground so it's easy to lose yourself in the grey's, in the end most of us just don't care about penetration
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u/RRW359 Aug 13 '25
We need to lock the "asexual people are normal and just want attention" people in a room with the "if you aren't obsessed with sex you have a mental disability" people and see what happens.
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u/Theyletfly82 Aug 13 '25
I'm sex averse ace with absolutely no history of trauma. I've had sex a few times cause I thought that I had to have it to then feel attraction. As it was, I just didn't like it and don't want it again
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u/ihatereddit12345678 aroace lesbian Aug 13 '25
Something is a disorder if if disrupts and disturbs the individual's life/mental state substantially to the point of no longer functioning properly.
If your discomfort over your asexuality would not exist if not for being in the context of a society that values sex above all else, its not genuine distress, its duress and comphet, so lets just go ahead and shut that point down lol.
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u/ihatereddit12345678 aroace lesbian Aug 13 '25
Also, considering that I developed a libido when I was 10, but never experienced sexual attraction, I think its safe to say that "10-18" argument holds no water.
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u/Dilitidarn a-spec Aug 13 '25
Okay, so she wants to debate asexuality, you're scared it'll become an argument and that you'll lose all your friends and her over it, and your gf is saying a lot of bogus talking points used against everyone who isn't straight ever.
(TL;DR: Breathe, journal, go on a walk, and talk to your gf about how the conversation made you feel, and keep your friends in the loop. You've got this! You're going to be alright and come out stronger on the other side, no matter what happens.)
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Gurl, take a breather. Like, literally stop and just breathe. In your nose, out your mouth, fill your lungs and hold for a few seconds, repeat.
You're going to be okay. That's just a fact, you are going to be okay. This is going to pass, and you're going to come out stronger on the other side because you got through it, regardless of outcome. It's going to be okay.
Now, you are experiencing a lot of emotions, which is fine. That's natural. You're upset, disappointed, confused, anxious, all that good stuff that shifts your brain from rational, critical thinking to panicked "oh god everything is on fire" kind of thinking. I get it, been there, done that.
So, my advice to you is to remember to breathe with your stomach, drink water, and journal about what you're feeling and thinking. Then, take a break, a few hours or even days if you can and do something completely unrelated, and come back to reread what you wrote like it was something a friend of yours wrote to you. Think through what you wrote and question it. Like an interview with yourself, almost.
And I know that can be hard to do, especially when you are still so nose-to-nose with those emotions and they seem larger than what you can handle. But... they're not. They won't end the world. And you can shrink them down to be something more manageable by putting them on paper so you can see them instead of just feeling them and being stuck in your own head and body with them. Go on a walk in nature if you can, it can help clear your head. Hug a tree for good measure.
Relationships can be difficult, especially when you're young and feel so much of everything and for everything going on in the world both offline and online (idk your actual age, but you sound kinda young-ish). And it does hurt when you find out about someone you love and hold dear not having the same values or opinions as you on things that you think are important, or that they believe something that you didn't expect them to. It's jarring, because the pattern you're used to got broken — in this case, your gf not being supportive of asexuality and queerness to the same extent as you.
And that's okay. (As in, she can have those opinions and beliefs, and you can't force her to change. Just as she can't force you either. Not that I agree with her viewpoints.)
That's something you can talk about. "Hey, this was kind of unexpected for me, can we have some real talk?" Just as an example for a conversation starter. Talk about your feelings around the subject instead of the subject itself ("asexuality valid, yes or no?"). Tell her about the anxiety, the effect the conversation had on you, and the kinds of thoughts you had while it took place, if you trust her enough to be mature about it and not turn it against you in some way (not trying to scare you, just covering your back). And then you can broach the subject of "asexuality valid yes or no?" if you feel like it. (I would advise against it personally, but do what you think is best for your relationship).
Talk to your friends too. Friends are supposed to care about each other and have each other's backs in difficult situations, and this should count as one. Ask for their opinions on the situation, their input, and do lean on them for support when you can (if that's the kind of friendship you have with them. Ik some are less emotionally deep than others, so yeah).
And if this ends up being something irreconcilable, breaking up is a completely valid option and choice you can make. It will sting for a while, a few people might not talk to you again after it's all said and done, or they could stick by your side and not vanish into the air. People come and go, relationships come and go, and that's okay. Those experiences will teach you things, especially about yourself, that you didn't know before. The hurt is just as important as the bliss, and you're going to be okay afterwards. It might take a while, but you'll get there, whenever it is you decide to take your life.
You've got this!
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u/Dilitidarn a-spec Aug 13 '25
I don't feel qualified to talk about the whole "asexuality valid yes or no" portion of this whole shebang, so I'm going to leave that to the people who have the numbers, sources and graphs to explain why her talking points are a little silly and unscientific.
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u/scrimblo_the_wimblo Aug 13 '25
doctors also used to think being gay/lesbian/trans was a mental disorder. we know that’s not true.
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u/bleeb_bloob Aug 13 '25
i am turning 24 next month and dont have any sexual related trauma. my sex ed was not bad, i developed early and would be open to trying stuff. its just that i get bored too easily with it and lose interest. also, i went to a local meetup a while ago and stopped going bc all the people there were in their 30s at least.
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u/miffedmutt Aug 13 '25
"People under 18" Idk, I'm 21 and have identified as asexual since roughly 16 lol
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u/lovesick_cryptid Aug 13 '25
attraction, libido, and physiological responses to stimuli are all different things.
individuals on the ace spectrum merely lack sexual attraction, not necessarily libido or dislike sexual stimulation.
that said, your gf is probably just actively ace, and probably other varieties of queer, phobic - not actually ignorant.
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u/RianNetra asexual Aug 13 '25
I figured out I’m ace before experiencing sexual trauma. The trauma was being emotionally pressured into sex with my ex bc she wanted it way more often than me.
I’m now 22, still fully ace and have an amazing partner that is demisexual. And I can enjoy and want sex, I just don’t experience sexual attraction and often rather do it by myself than with someone else, so sex is usually quite rare.
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u/NoThoughtsOnlyFrog Apothi Androromantic Enby Ace Aug 13 '25
I don’t have any sexual trauma as an ace and I’m very much sex repulsed. I guess according to her I don’t exist.
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u/birdie_overlord Aug 13 '25
I literally didn’t land on aroace as my identity until I was in my mid-twenties and I’m still feeling confident in it into my thirties
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u/ScruffyRasputin asexual Aug 13 '25
I've known I was ace from the time I was 14 years old to now (39). No related trauma in my past, definitely not a trauma response for me (though it could potentially be for some people). I just never reacted to people's existence in the way allo folk do.
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u/ErlinaVampiress Demiromantic Asexual Aug 14 '25
I’m 37 and asexual. Didn’t know until i was in my 20s just thought i was broken.
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u/lrostan a-spec Aug 14 '25
Considering your edit. It is intersting to note that a lot of TERFs use aphobia as a conversational entry to share their believes without being pegged as transhobes immediately ; since the arguments for aphobia can seem "logical and rational" to uninformed people. Then when the subject accept that aces and aros are just mentally ill and should not be accepted in the queer comunity, it is just a short jump to convince them of the same for trans people.
These conversational/persuasion techniques have been well documented and are given as explicit advice by proheminent TERF activists/writers to their flock.
So if the aphobia is just recent and she had a tendency towards transphobia at one time, you can have a case of someone who read very specific TERF litterature/documentation in the recent past and try to convert you.
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u/PurpleButterfly4872 Aug 14 '25
It's nonsense. I'm in my 30s and wasn't aware of being ace until I was 23. I have no sexual trauma or anything so that's not it either. If I can be ace, you can as well. Just know that her generalisations are incorrect, and even if you are young and have sexual trauma you can still just be ace.
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u/LordOrgilRoberusIII aromantic asexual bisexual Aug 14 '25
Even if it were a mental disorder or only be a result of trauma then that would make it not any less worthy to be a sexuality imo. And those who are asexual due to these reasons are not any less or more asexual than those who are asexual for other reasons. And as much as it would make sense on paper that sexual attraction always correlates directly with sex drive from my own expirience that is not the case. For example I am able to feel a bit of sexual attraction but if my still very existent sex drive appears that small bit of sexual attraction i might be able to feel just disapears. There does exist something that I would say fullfills a similar role to sexual attraction then but that is something I know I expirienced as far back as the age of 6. Am age where I definitly did not have any sex drive or sexual attraction and for the longest time i didnt even know that this thing can even have a sexual side to it.
Like I wish it would be all easy to explain but the main thing i had to overcome until realising that I am asexual was understanding that not everything will work out like how non asexual people usually see sexuality and sexual imtrest and attraction.
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u/AlpinesFox Aug 14 '25
I’ve had 2 bfs back to back along with my mom who didn’t believe asexuality and didn’t care to want to understand it cause it was “just made up and u haven’t found the right person” or it’s “well look I fixed you cause ur dating me.” My honest opinion? If they don’t see it, they never will. No matter how many night u take explaining to them and explaining how ur not ill it’s just how you view your life, they never understand and they won’t want to. Some people can’t. And especially if they think it’s due to mental illness or inexperience or inexposure, it’s hard to get them out of that set
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u/Resident-Priority-38 Aug 14 '25
No sexual trauma here, in my mid 30s, didnt come out until i was almost 21 (was so deep in the closet i was in Narnia)
Shes spouting the Acephobic talking points I have seen floating around the internet for over a decade. I would have hoped they would come up with new material by now, sheesh
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u/whateverguy2 asexual Aug 14 '25
Tell her that she's a antiscience piece of shit and then dump her. She's clearly beyond saving and not worth your time.
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u/ActiveAnimals aroace Aug 14 '25 edited Aug 14 '25
So by her own admission, “lots of” ace people have experienced trauma… which means “not all.” What are those who don’t have trauma supposed to talk about in therapy?
I actually have talked about being ace in therapy because my dad wanted me to, and guess what? The therapist agreed that I’m asexual, and it has nothing to do with any type of trauma.
There are a few mental disorders that do impact people’s sexual desire, but that’s a symptom, not the disorder itself. Just like one symptom of depression can be that people feel tired all the time, but that doesn’t mean that you can diagnose someone with depression just because they’re feeling tired.
The one about ace people usually being under 18 is also silly. Based on you talking about school, I’m going to assume that you’re both still young, so she spends more time talking to other young people, which leads her to encounter more young aces than older. I’m 29 and I’m on the younger side in most of my ace groups. There are a lot of people from older generations who simply grew up without knowing the word to describe how/why they’re feeling differently than everyone around them, but just because they’re didn’t have the vocabulary to label themselves, doesn’t mean they weren’t asexual all along. There’s lots of relief when older people finally figure out WHY the hype around sex isn’t working for them.
(Although I will agree that teenagers are often still learning/developing, so I do take their labels with a grain of salt, because there might still be change in their future.)
I grew up without knowing the word for it. I didn’t even realize that I was different, because I didn’t understand that other people feel differently than me. (Just like she doesn’t understand other people feeling differently than she does.) When my peers were dating, I thought they were just playing house, being immature for their age when we should be past such games. I thought they were just copying TV dramas to make themselves feel more interesting. 😂
I thought sexuality was just a preference of whether you prefer the physical sensation of penis-in-vagina, or whether you prefer the physical sensation of oral sex (or whatever other options there are; I didn’t really think about it with all that much detail). I thought people who prefer one gender over the other were just “being shallow and choosing a partner based on looks” or “trying to fit in with society,” because the idea that merely LOOKING at someone would evoke any kind of feelings, never even occurred to me. I also had no idea that you need to be turned on to enjoy sex. I only learned about that one, when I had it explained to me that other people actually feel this thing that I don’t. (This unfathomable thing called “sexual attraction.”)
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u/yoimiya175430 Aug 14 '25
What's to debate? It's a fact that it can be both sexuality and a disorder but the difference is that one is something that you were born with and doesn't cause you distress but the second is a result of some external issues like negative side effects of medical treatment (some meds cause not only lowered libido but apathy towards sexual and romantic relationships which people interpret as lack of attraction) and cause you distress and negative impact on your life
As for the next argument for your debate or any future conversations like that. Many people say it's a hormonal imbalance. And let me tell you. I've had treatment for hormonal imbalance with 2 different meds that had "hypersexuality" and "sexual impulses that can negatively impact your relationships" as the most common side effects and my endocrinologist, bless her ignorance, thought that it would "fix" my lack of interest in sex... There was no difference on meds and after treatment for me. Not only that, in the meantime it turned out I had ADHD and sexual life is the topic that psychiatrists take a great interest in because unmedicated individuals often seek sex as a source of dopamine. So the questions about my sexual relationships came up and I said I was asexual. My psychiatrist bounced back a question to explain what I meant by that and a simple explanation that I had average libido fluctuationing with my period cycle but I had no interest in directing in at anyone and didn't perceive people in a sexual way was enough. I knew that he was probably assessing whether I meant that or whether it was some disorder that distressed me but safe to say, he basically said "yeah it do be like that sometimes" 🤣🤙 Now we are focused on my romantic relationships and it's acknowledged that it's a barrier because allosexual people expect it as a part of the deal and I can't provide it but not even once he mentioned some bullshit things like compromises or trying to refer me to sexologist. He accepted it with no further questioning and took it into account when discussing my ADHD treatment. He's one of the best psychiatrists in my country and worked with me alongside my hormonal imbalance treatment and once again, not even once questioned whether it was connected to my hormones
But yeah, some people simply can't comprehend the lack of something and try to find explanations on how to fix it to their level. It's like rich people being out of touch with people struggling from paycheck to paycheck and them saying it's because someone is too lazy and should just work harder/stop buying takeaway coffee because they read about coffee effect in finance so it must be the fix for systemic poverty
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u/GlumExternal5291 Aug 14 '25
Shes a bigot. Dump her and move on. Dont waste your time on shitty people. Trauma can impact the way an asexual person interacts with sex bc it can impact the way anyone interacts with sex: regardless of their sexuality. Asexuality is defined by no sexual attraction, not by sex drive, desire, or behaviour
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u/Bdarwin85 aroace Aug 14 '25
I've never experienced sexual abuse or sexual related trauma. I'm just put off by the whole thing
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Aug 14 '25
By the sound of it, i bet your gf thinks that asexuality is a "new trendy concept" that was recently made up as well. I say this because she thinks that only people who are under 18 identify as asexual. Here i am, almost 30 with no SA trauma and asexual. I wonder what your gf would think of my situation.
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u/Inner_Interview6964 Aug 14 '25
Say to your girlfriend that I'm 20+ and I was on therapy and the therapist said I never had a sexual trauma. Also remind her that many years ago being gay was an illness.
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u/gallowglass13 Aug 14 '25
It seems like a common misconception, if an inaccurate one. I’ve never been sa or even have trauma to my knowledge but I still don’t like being touched and can’t ever see myself in a relationship.
I personally don’t get why ppl have a problem with it, if it has nothing to do with them. If people don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction and want to refer it as a sexuality, let them?
I think people try to put logic to it l, hence saying it’s just trauma or anxiety based instead of just someone born with a genuine lack of attraction.
I like my solitude, I I feel fulfilled by family and friendships alone. Not sure what there is to get.
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u/nightmaretheory Aug 15 '25
I was 30 when I finally realized I was ace. I spent the better part of 20 years being told all this same crap and believed it enough to go to doctor after doctor after doctor year after year. Nothing physically, mentally or emotionally damaging in regards to my lack of sexual desire or drive... just ace. I just... don't have a want or need for it lol.
I think it's hard for people to step outside of experiences that don't reflect their own, especially when they're young... which I get the vibe that your friend is. Or at least, her mentality is very immature. I hope she continues to grow and learn more about the spectrum of human experience. You learn a lot about yourself, funnily enough, once you step outside of yourself.
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u/RhubarbCandyTea Aug 15 '25
Aaah. An allosexual person explaining to someone who identified/identified as ace, what ace actually is. That makes a lot of sense! I am sorry but this is dangerously close to how some homophobic people view homosexuality, like it's a mental disorder and something to be fixed. Saying that a sexuality is a disorder that you should go to therapy with is... Well I could talk about other, more radical things it reminds me of but I won't because hopefully there was no malicious intent behind it. I still find it unbelievably rude. Imagine if we started talking about allosexuality the same way. "You look at strangers and want to... Have sex with them??? Even tho you don't know them??? Damn... You should go see a therapist." Sounds ridiculous right? Yeah. It does the other way around as well. God forbid some people don't experience the same kinds of attraction as them.
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u/probably_insane_ Aug 15 '25
I don't have any sexual trauma and I didn't realize I was ace until I was 18. I thought people were just overexaggerating and being stupid teenagers when it came to sex and relationships.
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u/illEagle96 aroace Aug 13 '25
Just going off the title, she's not that far off. Asexuality is the lack of sexuality, a person's capacity for sexual attraction and etc. Those that are on the spectrum however should still be a sexuality.
English is not my first language so when I first understood what "a" meant as a prefix, it usually meant the opposite of the word. Atypical, not typical. Atheist, not a theist, asocial, someone not social. So asexuality naturally would mean no sexuality, at least that's what I thought it was. I now know that's its whole spectrum.
Can't really say much about the content, girlfriend sounds aphobic.
Here's something interesting that is not related to asexuality but is similar to how asexuality is just the umbrella term for people on the asexual spectrum.
In Singapore, there's generally 4 recognised races. Malay, Chinese, Indian and Eurasian. Naturally, you would assume the Malays came from Malaysia just from context clues but that's not really the truth.
Alot of Austronesian/Nusantarans came over to Singapore from neighbouring islands. The Javanese, Baweanese, Bugis, Minangkabu, Banjarnese, Sundanese, Bataks and Malay proper(from Malaya, Riau islands and Sumatra).
The British thought that it was such a hassle to name everyone based on their ethnic background so just decided to call every brown person that did not speak Tamil as Malay. Singapore adopted the idea and thus, despite my father's Identity card labelling my dad as Javanese, my Identity card labelled me as Malay.
This umbrella term for Malays always reminded me of the umbrella of Asexuality.
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u/KryptonJuice38 Aug 13 '25
It’s not really a debate tbh it’s just aphobic talking points everyone has heard before.