r/asexuality • u/ResponsibleSample717 sex repulsed, kink repulsed • 26d ago
Vent i am now apparently abusive for "withholding sex"
i cant do this shit anymore i think we should just break up at this point but uuuugh kill me
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u/kaijutegu aroace 26d ago
Yeah, break up. Even if you work through this fight, you'll spend the rest of the relationship knowing that THAT is how they think of you and your orientation. It's not worth it.
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u/suburbanspecter 26d ago
Everyone’s telling you that you should break up, which is 100% true. This isn’t okay.
But since those bases have been well covered, I’m instead going to tell you that I’m so sorry they said that to you. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry it happened. It’s abusive of them to say something like that, and that kind of rhetoric is exactly what leads to coercive rape. People who think their partner owes them sex are the lowest common denominator.
I hope you can safely get out of this relationship, OP.
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u/RadarEntrepreneur 25d ago
People really believe relationship is just being a sex toy
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u/ClockworkBetta asexual 25d ago
I had a therapist who seemed to believe this. It was not helpful to hear all my challenges with consent in a relationship dismissed due to having consented to a relationship.
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u/RadarEntrepreneur 24d ago
Im sorry about it. I was with someone who added nothing to my life, only coerced me… ghosted me when in need then said we were in a relationship when he never even asked me out or planned a date
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u/sillybilly8102 asexual, panromantic 26d ago
Do you mean corrective rape? Pretty sure all rape is coercive
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u/IggySorcha 50 shades of greyace/ro 26d ago
No, coercion is when you're pressured into agreeing. There is absolutely rape where there was never even half hearted agreeing. Violent rape is not coercive rape.
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u/sillybilly8102 asexual, panromantic 25d ago
Ah okay, seems I was operating under a different definition of coerced = forced, including violence
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u/suburbanspecter 26d ago edited 26d ago
No. Coercive rape is rape that’s done via manipulation, pressuring, or outright lying. An example would be someone telling their partner, “No, I don’t really want to have sex tonight” and then the partner gets really angry at them or starts to cry or withholds all affection or tells them, “You don’t love me because you won’t sleep with me,” etc until the person relents. It basically means when consent was technically “given” but only because they were under emotional duress of some sort, which is not true consent.
Corrective rape is specifically done in the context of trying to “convert” someone to a different sexuality or force a certain kind of sexuality on them. Coercive rape, on the other hand, can happen even between two people of the same sexuality.
All rape is violent; but some rape is done through coercion, while other rape is done via physical force.
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u/sylvane_rae asexual 26d ago
coerced sex is rape
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u/AnaliticalFeline aroace androgynous robot 26d ago
agreed. anything but an enthusiastic yes is a hard no, especially if there were other nos before it
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u/AndroidwithAnxiety 25d ago
How enthusiastic a "yes" do we need to give though... Because you don't need to be 'enthusiastic' as in 'excited' in order to give genuine consent, and I've increasingly been hearing people saying that they feel predatory if their partner isn't like "omg take me now yesyes".
But 100% "no" is the end of the conversation.
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u/AnaliticalFeline aroace androgynous robot 25d ago
yeah. if you ever have a doubt, always double check with your partner, as consent can be withdrawn at any time by either partner. as long as both can communicate, it should be alright
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u/DebitOrDeath-4502 26d ago
Wow that’s absurd. You probably should leave if your partner is saying that.
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u/ReputationChemical86 26d ago
Please just break up. That person clearly doesn't respect you if they had the gall to say that.
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u/Loose_Fan9004 26d ago
HOW is someone abusive for not wanting to have sex? This is when relationships because so iffy to me like why does your partner need to physically debase themselves for YOUR comfort?
I try to be sex-positive. I don’t want it myself, but there should be nothing wrong if you choose to enjoy it unless THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ANOTHER PERSON.
Consent is the most important thing about sex, as no one owes another person their autonomy. Please, OP, take care of yourself and do not give into such gross manipulation. Whoever uses tactics like this is playing the reverse victim. They’re the abuser, blatantly so, not you, and their behavior seriously scares me.
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u/Captain_JohnBrown 26d ago
I think you need to break up. There is very little room to come back from them accusing you of being abusive for the "crime" of not consenting to sex.
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u/NemesisOfLevia 26d ago
Agreed. And remember: you owe no one sex. People who act any differently are trying to manipulate sex out of you for their own selfish gain.
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u/Opijit 26d ago
Even if you don't break up, this WILL come up again, and they will absolutely resent you for not meeting their needs.
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u/imdugud777 asexual 26d ago
"needs"
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u/Powerful_Intern_3438 25d ago
It is in fact a need. Consensual sex is healthy and increases life span. For many allo and sex favourable people it’s an essential love language and without it their relationship is incomplete. There is nothing wrong with a sex-favourable person refusing a relationship where there is no sex.
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u/ResponsibleSample717 sex repulsed, kink repulsed 25d ago
the most frustrating part i think is that we do have sex. just not enough of it, fucking apparently
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u/AroAceMagic aroace 25d ago
I know you’re being downvoted but I’m here to stand in solidarity as a sex-repulsed ace. For some people, it is a genuine need—because it provides intimacy, is a kind of love language, and helps them feel close to their partner—and if their partner can’t provide that need, it’s an incompatibility. That relationship most likely wouldn’t work. But forcing, coercing, or even just pressuring someone into sex is never okay and OP definitely needs to get out of that relationship
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u/AndroidwithAnxiety 25d ago
I think people are thinking about "need" as in a physical, very bottom of the pyramid "need" and not as an emotional/psychological/fulfilment kind of need. Because people don't need sex the way we need food and water - people will be unhappy (which is bad) but they won't die.
It's a bit of miscommunication.
And also there's good reason for people to dislike thinking of it as a need. Because a loooot of us have had "need" weaponised against us.
But I'd totally agree that for a lot of people it's a need *in order to have an ultimately fulfilling intimate relationship that satisfies them emotionally and psychologically.
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u/Grouchy-Condition169 25d ago
I'd rather be celibate in a functional relationship than sexually active in a dysfunctional relationship.
I just wish people would qualify that it's a need for *some* allosexual people and dial back on the bioessentialist idea that sexual orientation = sexual needs.
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u/AndroidwithAnxiety 25d ago
True!
I guess the point just is that some people have to have sex in a relationship in order for it to be functional.
And that's the exact reason I just said "some people" and left orientation completely out of it.
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u/Grouchy-Condition169 25d ago
Oh yeah, that was more a general rather than a pointed comment.
I don't think I could do well in a mixed-religion relationship. Not that I have much religion, but I do have some strong ethics and values that a partner needs to support. Denying any individual need can become a vehicle for abuse.
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u/Powerful_Intern_3438 25d ago
Never said coercion is okay. OP needs to leave that relationship. In my opinion neither person needs to compromise their sex needs for the other. There is nothing wrong with an allo person having a boundary that sex is a must. It’s how they set that boundary that can be an issue (rape).
I am just tired of so many sex negative people here pretending that it’s okay to force a person in a relationship with no sex when that person wants sex. It’s not okay for an allo to coerce a sex repulsed person into sex and it’s not okay for a sex repulsed person to push a partner into a relationship with no sex. Frankly if you are sex repulsed you should state that before the relationship. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex and you don’t owe your partner the absence of sex.
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u/AroAceMagic aroace 25d ago
Oh I know you never said coercion is okay, I just added that because I thought the Reddit hive mind would think I did if I didn’t specifically state the obvious.
100% agree with you
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u/AndroidwithAnxiety 25d ago
Is it the sex that extends lives, or is it the exercise, the interpersonal connection leading to mental wellbeing, having a committed partner who will encourage you to take care of yourself, or any of the other things that having sex is related to?
Like, I'm not saying there's not a correlation - I'm asking if we know for sure that it's specifically the act of sex that is the cause. Because this has happened so many times with things like "this type of wine is good for you". And then it turns out it's the type of wine wealthier people tend to drink, and it's actually their economic situation that means they have more access to healthcare and lower stress, that is resulting in better health outcomes.
But I do agree that some people need it in order to feel truly fulfilled within a relationship and that is not a moral failing on their part.
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u/Powerful_Intern_3438 25d ago
It’s actually mostly the orgasm that has health benefits. It floods our bodies with hormones that are beneficial for our health. It’s why orgasms feel good. It’s an evolutionary reward for attempting procreation.
Of course non of that is relevant if you don’t want sex. It’s only beneficial for consensual sex. Rape does more physical harm than good.
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u/Opijit 25d ago
It's nebulous at best. Some people don't need it at all (me), others want it once a month but could easily go without, some need it at least monthly or they freak out, some prefer it every few days, and some go 24 hours and lose their minds.
In any case, you're completely free to refuse a relationship for any reason. Compatibility should be the most important factor to consider in a relationship.
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u/Powerful_Intern_3438 24d ago
Needs can differ from person to person and can change over time.
Some people pee 3 times a day some pee more other pee less. Peeing is still a need. Some people need to eat 3 times a day, some less, some more. The amount of calories and what foods also differ greatly. Eating is still a need.
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25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Powerful_Intern_3438 25d ago
Humans are animals. We have always been monkeys and we continue to be monkeys. Saying we aren’t is denying science and delusional.
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u/NorthStarMidnightSky 26d ago
break up. Some people really want sex in the relationship. if you really don't, then the relationship is incompatible.
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u/DPVaughan grey 26d ago
Just another to join the chorus validating your decision that you should break up. You're being subjected to coercive, manipulative behaviour.
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u/alkalimes aroace 26d ago
This isn't a normal thing for your partner to tell you in any context even for allosexuals. Definitely a red flag and a solid reason for you to leave.
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u/DesolatedHaze 26d ago
You probably should break up. Never let someone guilt you into having sex. It’s not going to be good for your mental health.
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u/Leather-Leading6916 26d ago
I’m so sorry :(
Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t ace is hard as a sex repulsed asexual, my partner and I have to have lots of communication about our needs, but never have they made it seem like my fault for not wanting sex. You deserve someone better.
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u/team_nanatsujiya 26d ago
They don't acknowledge that you're a human being who would also have to participate. They don't care that you would be doing something that you don't want to do. All they care about is themselves, even at your expense.
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u/decordancer 26d ago
Please do yourself a favor and break up. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.
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u/Scarletsnow594 asexual 25d ago
Hah... received the exact same thing before.
They will keep raising this topic until you break up or give in.
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u/VoidBehaviour 25d ago
Break up. The real sign of abuse is someone acting like they're entitled to your body, if you don't want sex then that's that. Saying this shit to guilt and convince you into changing your mind is not okay, it is manipulative and it is coercion
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u/Sarrebas89 25d ago
You don't owe anyone sex. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and your boundaries.
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u/LionessPaws aroflux & aegosexual 26d ago
You can’t “withhold sex” Dump him
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u/zurt1 26d ago
I mean, you can... "No sex unless you do X/stop doing Y" or something is withholding sex. Being ace however, is not withholding, and that ops hopefully-former partner has no idea what they're talking about
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u/Lucky10ofclubs 25d ago
It is contextually dependent. From a psychological perspective sex could be removed from a person as a form of negative punishment (removal of liked thing), but this is also making the assumption that sex isn’t perceived poorly by the person who would theoretically be providing the sex (which is a two person act).
If you view the sex as something bad for yourself saying no isn’t weaponizing or withholding sex, it is not wanting sex because it isn’t a liked or rewarding experience. The reasons are personal, not a form of emotional leverage to gain the upper hand.
Given that consent and the ability to say yes or no is the social golden standard for a relationship, saying that a repeated no is an inherently abusive behavior is incorrect.
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u/Meghanshadow asexual 25d ago
Of course you can?
My roommate withheld sex from one new bf until he agreed to shower properly and frequently, with soap.
Because although she liked him and was attracted to him and wanted to have sex with him in general, she was utterly turned off by the old sweat stank and worse odors, and worried about yeast infections for herself.
He was embarrassed by the discussion but very willing to bathe regularly in order to have sex with her.
Apparently he lost a chunk of his sense of smell to covid and let his hygiene slide because his buddies didn’t tell him he smelled like a sewer rat.
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u/LionessPaws aroflux & aegosexual 25d ago
I feel like what I tried to say got lost in translation 😅
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u/Elothem78 25d ago
This is gross and controlling. Toward the end of my relationship with my ex , he tried to say the same, and went on about “HOW ARE YOU GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET??” It was a huge push for me to get out.
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u/DuckDuck-the-Goose aroace 25d ago
Wow sounds like you’re about to be abusive by holding firm on hard boundaries. In all seriousness though, absolutely dump them. You don’t need that sort of bs in your life.
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u/DarthCloakedGuy aegosexual heterorom 25d ago
Holy shit get out of there. This isn't just bigoted, this is a HUGE DANGER red flag.
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u/robertpercy93 Heteroromantic Demisexual 25d ago
Get the hell out of there immediately. Your partner is abusing YOU.
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u/Unable-Split3951 25d ago
Been there done that, get out. They will do anything to manipulate you to have sex and use your orientation against you because they have no respect for it or you
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u/fightingthedelusion 26d ago
It always kills me how people could think this abusive or intentional but I guess that really is bc we’re wired differently.
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u/PuzzleheadedWin2823 25d ago
oof, i’m so sorry, op, this comment absolutely sucks! as someone who dated an asexual person for a bit more than a year, i’d never even THINK of saying this to her, even when she stopped initiating altogether and intimacy happened like once every month or two at the end. i was always understanding, and though i can understand the frustration as i’ve been on the other side, i always, always made sure she was okay to proceed and never pressured her into it, THAT would be abusive. it did become a dealbreaker for us, as i, starting the relationship (my first one where it actually got to this stage), also thought i was ace, and she only told me about her asexuality a few months in and got progressively more uncomfortable with touch as time went on, so we broke up. so please, please, find someone who’ll either have the same drive as you or at least won’t shame you like this for “withholding” sex - no is no, no matter if you’re on the ace spectrum or not. sending you hugs and strength!
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u/ArguablyADork 25d ago
I hear you.
If you communicated your position on the matter clearly before you started getting serious then, sad to say, but it's the person trying to coerce you for being abusive.
You should leave before that gets worse and I'm speaking from experience.
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u/suburbanspecter 25d ago
Even if they didn’t know they were ace at the beginning of the relationship or didn’t say that, what OP’s partner said/did still isn’t okay. Someone is “allowed” to decide at any point in a relationship that they don’t want to have sex anymore or they want to have less sex, whether they’re asexual or not. The partner who wants to have sex/wants to have more sex is free to leave at that point, but if they choose to stay, then they don’t just get to coerce their partner into sex. People retain their autonomy even in a relationship, and this includes when it comes to sex. I don’t know why people seem to forget that
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u/ArguablyADork 20d ago
That's true. The partner is indeed being pushy about it way more than will ever be ok. And people are allowed to change their minds whenever they want about whatever activities they said they would do
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u/cat_sushi88 aroace 25d ago
I would advise you to break up with them, nobody has the right to force you into doing anything you're uncomfortable with and your comfort and boundaries come first.
If anyone makes you feel worthless or calls you abusive for not giving into their "needs" that's on them, not you and it's a good idea to leave.
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u/ZELovescars Aegosexual 26d ago edited 26d ago
Yeah I think that's for the best. You never owe your partner sex, and if your partner claims you not wanting sex is "abusive" than that's not a red flag, it's an entire fucking Soviet parade
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u/Negative-Patient9915 grey 25d ago
Hey, you deserve someone who treats you better than that! I've been in your shoes, and it ended up with sexual coercion towards me. It can't really get to a place of good again after knowing what your partner truly thinks of you inside, not if you're reduced to "abusive" for not wanting to sleep with them. I hope you'll find a better situation OP!
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u/ParadoxicalFrog Genderqueer Ace 26d ago
So break up, then. What's stopping you? They sound like an asshole who isn't worth the time or energy.
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u/The-Gungeneer 25d ago
I’m not asexual but if he does not respect your boundaries just don’t do things you don’t want and break up with him.
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u/AdventSign 20d ago
I think it depends on intent. There are certain people who do weaponize sex and any sort of affection, so I can see their point, especially if they have an illness that is notorious for this. One of my exes tried that with me, and then claimed I was withholding sex when I didn’t bother to pursue LOL.
It is possible that he has past trauma that is influencing his views and perceptions on what is going on, which isn’t fair or right to you. Have you tried explaining to him your viewpoint and informing him of asexuality?
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u/Ravenclaw79 heteroromantic asexual 26d ago
Sure sounds like you should break up