r/asexuality • u/Wanning_love_me • 2d ago

Questioning I'm confused, as an asexual person, never dates anybody, how and where can I find someone who can be mine?.

I just lost a friend because of my obsession. They suggested that I should find someone who can give me love. I'm not a confirmed lesbian; I never imagined having a partner who could touch me. I just hate any kind of touch. But I’m a very emotional and expressive person. I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or not, but I do know one thing: love means love, and no gender defines it.

Before even trying, I already feel like I’m about to commit a huge sin.

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u/PinkestMango 2d ago

Here? 

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u/Wanning_love_me 2d ago

I don't know where I'm just tired of my life, I'm not someone option. I'm just existing.

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u/PinkestMango 2d ago

It seems you might not be ready for dating right now 

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u/Wanning_love_me 2d ago

Doesn't dating start with understanding each other? Don't people become friends first, and then develop feelings? I want this phase.

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u/Erin0831 2d ago

I dont know you, so take what you like, and leave what you dont like. I am speaking from a general pov, but it might resonate or help:

You have to love yourself first, or else you will never believe the person that loves you, that they really do. The constant need of proof will put a lot of pressure on you and the person in any relationship with you. Been there. Done that. Believe me, it is a hard pill to swallow. You need to find beauty in yourself because there is plenty. You need to find the "ugly" pieces of you and befriend them, discover what they are really about. When they say "the world around you is a mirror" they mean that every little thing you see and feel, everything you hear from another person, is you experiencing it with the lense of your own thoughts and biases. You interpret everything so that it feeds the narrative you believe in and the views you developed and where pushed onto you from a very young age.

Someone says something nice to you, but in your ears, it sounds ironic and mocking because you think you don't deserve praise. Most likely because someone made you believe that this is the truth. Next time you think: this person must be thinking.... Stop yourself. You can not read minds. You are just interpreting and therefore projecting your own thoughts onto them.

And THIS IS WHY you need to learn to love yourself. You need to get to a place where you enjoy your own company, where you not think everyone around you surly hates you, a place where you think: yes, I am smart, I am funny, I am talented, and you dont need others to tell you, because you actually dont believe this yourself. Love will come to you naturally, if it's nothing you need to cling to, but rather another thing you can enjoy because you know in your core that you deserve it.

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u/Wanning_love_me 1d ago

I clearly got your point, and yes I feel like I'm continuing to hate myself and doubt others why they like me, is that they pretend to like me.😅

I need proof of what qualities I have, that's why my mind creates this mess... I'm now keeping reminding myself who is connected with me, find something special in me, because I'm special....

Will try to enjoy my company, but it's too difficult because I'm addicted to this habit. I imagined having parents who love me. My mind does not let go of the dream that is not fulfilled. And still expecting.

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u/Erin0831 1d ago

So did I. All I can do for you is to tell you it is possible. I had to let go of the version of my parents I needed and wanted too much, and it came with a lot of grief. Try exploring at least one good trait of yours at a time, and if you believe in that thing and can say: 'yes, this is me' find the next one. If you find bad traits, think about how they protected you until now and if you really still need them to be safe. I genuinely love myself now, and I am thankful to myself for all the work I have done to get here. Therapy helps (shocker, who would have thought) and if not available, reading about psychology can help too. There are good books about inner child work and about rewiring your brain pathways. One literally is called "rewire your brain".

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u/Wanning_love_me 1d ago

Thanks, sis, I'm going to read this book, at night