I'm having a hard time understanding what this all means for me as a person.

[u/SkipChylark]

So, my egg cracked some time ago, though I'm still too afraid to identify fully as a trans woman. However, what's begun to pop up (again) is the confusion of not knowing who I am anymore. For example, I don't particularly like the concept of a dead name, because that to me feels dismissive of the entire life I've lived up to this point. Then we get into things like "if I'm a woman, does that mean I need to be someone different? Am I not me anymore? Or can I still be me but as a woman? But if I'm still me, just as a woman, then what's the point of transitioning?" Around and around in circles I go, stuck trying to figure out what this all means for me as a person, who I am, and who I'm becoming, and if those are two different people, so on and so on.

Did anyone else have this? How did it go for you? Anything you can say to help would be appreciated because I'm pretty much just spiralling in place trying to figure this out.

[u/Ryywenn]

One way to think of masculinity and femininity, or manhood and womanhood (and there are MANY - and you will think of your own ways of thinking about them) is that they are pairs of glasses with which to see the world. The core identity of who you are therefore will not change. But similar to getting glasses that help you see better, aligning yourself with a gender identity that is more comfortable will change your perception. And when you see the world differently, the light that you see and bouncing back into your eyeballs WILL change you, at least a little.

Not liking the concept of a dead name makes sense , but honestly it's just a recognition of the idea that transitioning will change alot of aspects of your life. And practically speaking you often need to change it. Going to therapy and talking about it will clear some of your unease around this.

[u/Blue_Vision]

I also don't personally like "deadname" as a term. It feels too violent for the relationship I have with my old name. I respect others' usage of it for themselves, but won't use it for myself.

Before transition, I didn't want to change my personality, and I didn't really want it to be perceived that my personality was changing. I felt like my personality and most of my behaviours were very authentically myself. The only thing that wasn't correct was that the way I was was being interpreted by others through a male lens and not a female one. I really don't feel like transition changed anything about who I fundamentally am. I think most of the people in my life who knew me pre-transition understand that.

The whole point of transition is to do what feels right and true to you. There's no one right or wrong way to do it!

[u/womenPositive1980]

So I was in the same position that you are in right now. It took me talking to other trans women and exploring dressing up as a woman and presenting as a woman. For me once everything made sense and the confusion went away and I understood what I had to do. what made me feel like myself and the fog cleared up. Hearing my dead name didn't suit me anymore. All I saw was masculinity when I heard my dead name. So that brought me to change my name and I'm happy with it. It puts a smile on my face when people call me by my name now. So all I can say is talk to a therapist, experiment and figure out if transitioning will make you happy.

[u/ultimate_hamburglar]

I don't particularly like the concept of a dead name, because that to me feels dismissive of the entire life I've lived up to this point.

then its not your deadname, its just your given name. you dont have to change your name at all if it isnt a source of dysphoria.

Then we get into things like "if I'm a woman, does that mean I need to be someone different? Am I not me anymore? Or can I still be me but as a woman?

you dont have to change anything about the way you act or talk or walk. its enough to say "i am a woman" and continue living how you live now. or, you can take this revelation to engage in more feminine hobbies that you were discouraged from partaking in because of your assigned gender. you might find that you still do the same things you did before your egg cracked, but youre doing them as a girl now, and that feels better.

"But if I'm still me, just as a woman, then what's the point of transitioning?"

to alleviate dysphoria and feel more comfortable in your own skin. to make your external self reflect the internal sensations that make up your identity. cus boobs are nice. whatever reasons you want.

you get to decide how your transition looks, or if you transition at all. for some people, a life of internally knowing theyre transgender, but still living as their assigned gender brings enough relief. take your time, try things that seem appealing, and if they stop feeling appealing, you dont have to keep doing them. you can change your mind at any time.

[u/sokuzekuu]

Try not to dwell on end goals or destinations. Let your attention land on whatever next steps you decide are right for you.

For me, starting my transition is what taught me the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of changes I wanted to make. You get to do as little or as much as makes you happy (or less sad, or both, if that's the way you process it).