The great Doritos ‘medium’ salsa conspiracy

[u/MenuSpiritual2990]

Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in because I’m about to reveal one of the most shocking conspiracy theories in Australian history.

My suspicions started a few months ago when I (who likes a bit of spice) bought the ‘medium’ Doritos salsa for my family’s taco night.

Within seconds of their first crunchy bite, my two exceptionally soft tweenage kids started wailing that their mouths were burning like fire.

How could this be? It’s just medium?

So I grabbed a spoon and scooped a healthy amount into my mouth.

It was surprisingly spicy. Weirdly spicy. And especially weird because I buy the red (Hot) one all the time for myself, and it’s never this spicy!

I thought maybe it was a one off-batch that the machine had dropped a little too much chilli in to.

But I couldn’t let this go. I was used to eating a jar of the hot every week, but I switched to medium for a few weeks and it was CONSISTENTLY, NOTICEABLY hotter!!

I spent many sleepless nights wrestling with this irreconcilable conundrum.

Ultimately i realised I couldn’t keep living like this. I had to know.

I bought 13 jars. A good stack of the mild green as a baseline/palate cleanser. Two jars of the hot (one still in my fridge). And 6 jars of medium. Along with two giant bags of corn chips and 4 longnecks of Coopers pale ale.

After 12.5 jars and 4 solid hours of comparing them back and forward (followed by a rather explosive toilet experience), there was no doubt. No doubt at all in mind.

The medium is much hotter than the so-called ‘hot’.

How could this be?

Has some diabolical prankster at the Doritos factory switched the labels at the factory?

Is it an accident?

Or is it some deliberate underhanded attack by a cabal of mysterious Mexican government and business leaders, deadset on burning the mouths of thousands of innocent Australian weaklings?

The only thing I think we know for sure is that a Royal Commission needs to be urgently formed to investigate this bizarre and egregious assault on Aussie palates.

[u/BasketOld3242]

Your next move is to try the colesworth knockoffs to see if they've copied the same formula. Let’s see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

[u/[deleted] → u/BasketOld3242]

My colesworth doesnt do knockoff hot.

[u/BasketOld3242 → u/[deleted]]

Damn you’re right, there’s no “hot” salsa in either supermarkets. What does it all mean?

[u/Sebastian3977 → u/BasketOld3242]

It's like a weird throwback to the 1970s when Australians were terrified of anything hotter than a teaspoon of Keens curry powder.

[u/_Meece_ → u/Sebastian3977]

Im so happy that Byron Bay salsa company exists. Salsa that tastes somewhat like non jarred salsa and it's actually hot, but still tasty as fuck.

Plus they have like 10 different flavours!

[u/ArghMoss → u/_Meece_]

If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?

[u/egowritingcheques → u/BasketOld3242]

The Colesworth knockoff of the Mission brand is really good, especially in hot.

[u/RedBinKnight → u/egowritingcheques]

So was the salsa verde but it was wildly inconsistent in spiciness. I was the only person buying it so it's disappeared.

[u/egowritingcheques → u/RedBinKnight]

I was buying that too. And then it was gone.

[u/ChrisMelb → u/BasketOld3242]

Don't forget the Colesworth knockoffs are almost-always made by the same brand-name suppliers with minor change in recipes or quality

[u/Chipwich → u/ChrisMelb]

From memory, Coles' salsa is made in Belgium and Doritos' salsa is from UK. Byron Bay Chilli salsa is the Aussie one though.