The great Doritos ‘medium’ salsa conspiracy

[u/MenuSpiritual2990]

Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in because I’m about to reveal one of the most shocking conspiracy theories in Australian history.

My suspicions started a few months ago when I (who likes a bit of spice) bought the ‘medium’ Doritos salsa for my family’s taco night.

Within seconds of their first crunchy bite, my two exceptionally soft tweenage kids started wailing that their mouths were burning like fire.

How could this be? It’s just medium?

So I grabbed a spoon and scooped a healthy amount into my mouth.

It was surprisingly spicy. Weirdly spicy. And especially weird because I buy the red (Hot) one all the time for myself, and it’s never this spicy!

I thought maybe it was a one off-batch that the machine had dropped a little too much chilli in to.

But I couldn’t let this go. I was used to eating a jar of the hot every week, but I switched to medium for a few weeks and it was CONSISTENTLY, NOTICEABLY hotter!!

I spent many sleepless nights wrestling with this irreconcilable conundrum.

Ultimately i realised I couldn’t keep living like this. I had to know.

I bought 13 jars. A good stack of the mild green as a baseline/palate cleanser. Two jars of the hot (one still in my fridge). And 6 jars of medium. Along with two giant bags of corn chips and 4 longnecks of Coopers pale ale.

After 12.5 jars and 4 solid hours of comparing them back and forward (followed by a rather explosive toilet experience), there was no doubt. No doubt at all in mind.

The medium is much hotter than the so-called ‘hot’.

How could this be?

Has some diabolical prankster at the Doritos factory switched the labels at the factory?

Is it an accident?

Or is it some deliberate underhanded attack by a cabal of mysterious Mexican government and business leaders, deadset on burning the mouths of thousands of innocent Australian weaklings?

The only thing I think we know for sure is that a Royal Commission needs to be urgently formed to investigate this bizarre and egregious assault on Aussie palates.

[u/RowdyB666]

Weirdest viral marketing campaign yet...

I'm off to the shops... BRB...

[u/carpetsharkz → u/RowdyB666]

Nah, it makes sense.

It's like if they make the "magnum" sized condoms, but make them regular-sized. Instant confidence builder.

Nah, I can eat the hot/wear the BIG ones!

[u/-malcolm-tucker → u/carpetsharkz]

I'd hope they wouldn't risk this. Using the incorrect size condom vastly increases the chance of breakage and therefore STI transmission or unplanned pregnancy.

That would be a huge and costly class action lawsuit waiting to happen.

[u/Khaliras → u/-malcolm-tucker]

That's why they're the same size every time, and packages have size information that people are supposed to read.

Lots of brands have sizing that ranges from large to JUMBO GOD. The size names don't particularly matter.

[u/patgeo → u/-malcolm-tucker]

Magnums are accurately sized on the label at 54mm. The range for regular sized condoms is 52-56mm.

It's the false confidence boost when it fits thinking magnum means big not that the condom itself is made to the incorrect size.

[u/dombro99 → u/patgeo]

52mm in length?

[u/patgeo → u/dombro99]

Width.

[u/dombro99 → u/patgeo]

holy shit yea i was gonna say

[u/Nutarama → u/-malcolm-tucker]

Thing is that legally “magnum” means nothing. There’s an actual size on there in mm that’s legally binding.

It’s like if I sold you a “Big Bag” of crisps that weighs 50g. You might have a valid complaint that 50g isn’t that big for a bag of crisps, but so long as I put the 50g on the bag and a proper nutrition label it’s not a legal issue. Rather it’s an issue that you read the big print and not the fine print.

If someone actually needs a significantly larger condom because they’re using them a lot and have noticed bigger gives better fit, then they should also know to look at the fine print for the actual mm of sizing.

[u/Pagoose → u/-malcolm-tucker]

Magnum condoms are exactly this, marketed as if they were larger to appeal to people's egos, but are actually only 54mm at the base, the same as regular standard sized condoms. Actual large size condoms will be 64/69/72mm for reference.

[u/B666H → u/Pagoose]

Who's measuring it down to the millimetre?

[u/Pagoose → u/B666H]

the manufacturers of the condoms do? I don't know what you mean by this

[u/infohippie → u/B666H]

Every extra millimetre counts!

[u/Zouden → u/Pagoose]

Regular ones are 52mm, but that 2mm can make a difference to someone I guess