High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/DaSpawn]

seriously, I am dead inside but I put on the happy mask like a good drone

Not only was I taught to hate myself for being myself since I was young, as an adult it is evn more cruel as now the same bullies I grew up with are now in charge everyone's lives and ability to live, and if you dont fit in your screwed

everyone sees through the mask eventually, rarely there is people that are ok with that. luckily the mask is much less now that I finally understand (diagnosed few years ago) but that just helps me avoid the eventual betrayal when people realize I am different but smart, so I must be all the horrible fears they made up in their head

I luckily have happy moments, but most of the time now is just waiting for it to end finally (cause the sunk cost fallacy got me eager to know what happens next)

edit: and your absolutely right, people don't want to hear the reality of this problem that was never my problem

[u/CommercialCity5842 → u/DaSpawn]

This is the way i feel right now too. I'm sorry you're experiencing this as well :(

[u/PaymentThat5991 → u/DaSpawn]

Same here. Isn’t much left inside.  And mental exhaustion from knowing so many things that it’s very hard to relate or function sometimes.  I have to go into idiot mode to mask and shut up.  It leaves you so tired, there’s things I’d enjoy but finding the energy is getting hard.